Archive for August 13, 2008

Just when you thought it was safe to take your 13-year old out of the house to party, they’re baaaaaaaaaack.

We have spent the past couple of months discussing the wiles of this maverick sect from the greater cult hub, and there is still more lent and cookie crumbs stuck in-between the couch pillows of this nasty living room. As noted in the linked story from MSNBC:

Tela Mange, a spokeswoman for the state Department of Public Safety, told NBC the investigation involved about 20 claims of abuse and 50 claims of bigamy involving sect members. She said it was unclear how many cases ultimately would be pursued.

Here’s the question of the day: How come the MEN in this insane asylum escaped scrutiny? I mean, we heard about the women, the children, their whack-job leader and then the most expensive child custody case of the century. Mysteriously, amidst all that perturbation, the men skate out of that compound through the back door without a whiff of camera coverage. How else did tweenagers have babies? The freakin’ stork?! Wake up, people.

Here’s an idea since no one in south Texas has the light bulb sparking. Why not stick all the men from the Texas compound – including its morally-defective, spiritually-degenerative leader Warren Jeffs chained to a certain box that uh, ticks – and gas the whole thing. If these men are all that twisted and perverted to think a prepubescent girl would make an ideal wife, they are beyond help. Maybe if they each got a personal ad from some trannies, that’ll fix ’em. Who knows?

However, probably the most harrowing statement of this entire story is this:

The sect’s doctor was charged with three counts of failing to report child abuse.

Let me get this right. This nut house had a licensed doctor checking on these pistachios. Given the massive amount of child birth in there, I guess he thought it was something in the water. So, he checks on the girls as they become of age (you know, 10 in there) and found “abuse”.

Yet, despite is Hippocratic Oath, he decided to just become a sardonic hypocrite. Are you serious? I have it said it before, but there is a special room heater laced with kerosene in hell for this dude. Too bad. Just when the Mormon Tabernacle Choir thought it was OK to sing again, along comes this report to stifle their voices and get the LDS back to Spin Control.

Stay tuned.

Today’s excerpt from the wife of Joel Osteen and her saga, “As the Temper Burns,” we find the miscreant flight attendant Sharon Brown on the stand for more than six hours being harassed by the Osteen’s attorney with insightful repartee and assumed brow-beating.

The girl whose left boob was battered by Victoria Osteen’s razor sharp elbow admitted she called Lakewood Church a “cult” and described Joel Osteen as “the devil.” However, since she has arrived in court, a change of heart has ensued since last we read about these good times.

“I don’t believe they’re the devil,” Sharon Brown said near the end of her testimony on Tuesday.

Oh, that’s sweet. I suppose it clears your conscience to know this frivolous law suit is against God’s servant than a tool of Satan. Always good on the psyche. But now from the sublime to the ridiculous, enter the chamber Sharon Brown’s attorney, Reginald McKamie:

Outside the courtroom, Brown’s attorney, Reginald McKamie, said the alleged assault happened and that Brown is courageous for telling the truth about it. “Sharon Brown is my hero,” he said.

Sorry, I can’t hear you over the deafening cackling in the Houston courtroom. The jury is probably still choking on their food and passing gas because of uncontrollable laughter. Her? A hero? Because her protruding breast takes an uppercut from a Barbie doll preacher’s wife, she is the equivalent of the soldiers protecting us in the Middle East. Ah, those lawyers are great at hyperbole.

Later on in the heroine’s testimony, we learn Vicky admits she is full of kerfuffle:

After the confrontation, Brown said Osteen came close to her and shook a pair of sunglasses in her face. Brown considered that threatening. “She came up to me and she called me an angel,” Brown said. “She gave me this look up and down and said, ‘I guess you want me to apologize, but it won’t be sincere.‘ “

Stay classy, Vicky. Now that’s how you impersonate a preacher’s wife – show fake compassion, exhibit a fraudulent love for God and maybe make up some biblical references to show you fit the part. And then for your curtain call during the sky-high assault:

Under cross-examination, Brown testified she had been angry that a supervisor spoke with her and Osteen to get their versions of the incident. She said that Osteen lied, spoke in the voice of a “TV evangelistic” and cried fake tears. “I guess that was to close the show,” she said.

So because she didn’t get a “real apology”, Brown is suing the Osteens for a real retirement. Karma. Oh sorry, too Buddhist. Ah well, if you faith is that fake, what’s the difference.

YES, you read that correctly. A human being is created an actual law suit to filed against God Almighty. Think I’m kidding? Not so much according to ABC News.

[Nebraska State Senator] Chambers asked Douglas County District Judge Marlon Polk on Tuesday to let his lawsuit proceed. Chambers said he wants to make the point that everyone should have access to the courts regardless of whether they are poor or have the means of billionaire Warren Buffett of Omaha.

Access? Victoria Osteen being sued for 10 percent of her assets because she can be a biyatch thinks this law suit is out-of-hand. Are you serious, dude?

Listen, just get on your time-traveling chariot, ring the bell and ask St. Peter at the majestic Golden Gates. When you see him, try to appeal to his sense of reason. Oh sure, he was known for being a little hot-headed, but he’ll understand when you tell him by suing the benevolent creator of the universe who did nothing but love this world that seems to loathe him, you are just “making a point”.

Yeah, I think that will go over well as Ol’ Pete pulls the lever, the clouds opens beneath your feet and you flail desperately on your way to a, uh… warmer climate.

Have fun serving that subpoena anyway as it seems the only way to do is suicide.

“Despite my most sincere, zealous efforts, I could not find a location to serve the defendant,” Chambers said.

It’s not a Christian thing to say at all, so I’ll just think it. [Cue harp music… Maybe that suicide thing isn’t a bad idea for this waste of space]. All I know if this tool gets re-elected to office, the citizens of Omaha should have all voting privileges revoked.

If you are die-hard republican (not necessarily a “conservative” but we can get into that later), you have been languishing in a sea of despair with your elephant-tattooed floaties waiting for John McCain to say something, anything about his faith.

He did in a recent exclusive with CBN… well, kinda.

Today his campaign released an excerpt of the senator’s memoir Faith of My Fathers to conservative grassroots groups nationwide.

Hey, McCainiancs. Tap the brakes on the parade route. You don’t see a couple of issues here:

  1. This was NOT an interview with CBN where John McCain proselytizes his faith and proclaims his love for God. It was a few pages of a book he had ghostwritten that he thought sounded imploring.
  2. Did I mention it was from a book? THAT’S CALLED SELF-PROMOTION OF A BOOK DEAL, FOLKS! He is doing nothing but finagling CBN to sell more copies of his book to the Bible Belt.

What’s so funny is the cracked crew at CBN just let him do it. The Bleeding Red Republicans are so hungry for a candidate that stands tall on the Bible, they are willing to do anything to give Ol’ Shorty a boost. Pathetic.

Here’s another riveting snippet from his press releaseer, excerpt:

The senator’s campaign defended the candidate’s silence, saying that although “McCain is a strong Christian, he believes that, in the context of the campaign, his faith is a personal issue.”

MEMO to the bemused team of John McCain: There are no such things as “personal issues” when running for president in today’s media-starved society. Look at John Edwards, and he was just RUMORED for the Veepstakes. He was hanging out at the crib waiting for a phone call from a savior when he was got caught with his…um, hand… in the cookie jar.

No, if you were hoping to shore up the Republican base in this country, you did just the opposite. Nicely done. I guess we know the latest statistics to the rising unemployment numbers, huh?

Quick quiz: What do you get out of frozen holy water? POPESICLES.

Believe it or not, that’s not a feeble attempt at being punny or even an overt try at sacrilege. That seems to be the marketing credo within Christian circles these days. Let’s find a common item that everyone uses and discover a way to tie Jesus into it… then sell it to the masses. Don’t believe me? Here’s a depressing story for those Wall Watchers that want more out of a relationship with Jesus than to see some shyster making a quick buck in the name of ‘witnessing’.

Click here (AND WATCH THE REVEALING NEWS CLIP) on ABC News for “What Would Jesus Buy?”

Is this really what the Church has in mind? Listen, I’m all over good attempts at creating well-done merchandise in hopes of becoming mainstream (NOTE: Pierced and NOTW clothing lines. Very nice indeed), but selling Jesus bobbleheads, mocked board games like “Jesusopoly” and of course everyday logos and brands butchered to become unwittingly accomplices to evangelism.

This is where I draw the proverbial line in the sand with my own creative adroitness. We serve the God of the universe, the maker of all genius and have the ability to call upon the mind of Christ at any time. Well, we can right? Then why is it the best “God can come up with” is this (NOTE the picture)?! You know why the two aforementioned clothing companies are so successful – they are original! The same for a simple acronym that created a trend mainstream marketing still implements – WWJD. Genius.

But, as the Bible keeps thumping along, Chri$tian$ see a tiny leprechaun leading them to other acronyms like F.R.O.G. (Fully Rely on God), G.O.L.F. (God Offers Love & Forgiveness) and P.U.S.H. (Pray Until Something Happens). Yeah, how did that work out? We can do better than this saints. Question: Why don’t we?! Laziness? Apathy? Ineptitude? Underqualified? Maybe those in charge of such numskull marketing epiphanies aren’t saved in the first place?! Who knows? Good Lord. All I know is this stuff is getting carried away… and it’s baaaaaaaaaad.

Does HiScrivener own Christian paraphernalia? You bet, and it is an effective way of witnessing – sometimes. One of the previously cited shirts with its sacrosanct pictographs? A great conversation starter. Wearing a cross around your neck? Not so much – see Madonna for the why. Stealing a logo and putting God’s name in it? In the words of Bob Uecker, “Missed it by that much.”

We can do better. We should do better.