Archive for August 22, 2008

According to this story from OneNewsNow.com and famed eschatologist and acclaimed augury author (nice, huh) Tim LaHaye, “possibly”.

“Today, we have some subtle teachers who have gone to secular colleges and have been brainwashed into secular humanism,” said LaHaye. “And because they have these degrees and they are Christians, many individuals are brought into seminaries and Bible schools. “[A]nd [sic] in the process they give the secular idea that we ought to allegorize prophecy, or we ought to spiritualize it,” he adds.

I get that. In Daniel, we read that life consists in 70 weeks of somesuch. In Matthew, wars and rumors of wars are discussed. And who hasn’t heard about the “Four Horsemen”… no, NOT THEM. As in “…of the Apocalypse.” Silly rasslin’ fans. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Eh-hem. [COUGH]. Sorry.

Anywhoo, with theories ranging from pre- to post-millennialism, the Tribulation to Armageddon, it’s easy to understand how some of those can get a little milquetoast. Damp, at the very least?!

The Bible’s truth is inerrant, yet so many “experts” have varied pontifications and diverse ruminations. Personally? A HiScrivener Hot Spiritual Opinion would be people are may getting slightly scared.

As much as charismatic folk can get “rapture happy,” we still have a life to live here – with marriages to enjoy, children to raise and destinies to fulfill. Every TRUE Christian loves Jesus but wants to experience him here before the rapture.

It’s obvious Jesus is thinking about saddling up on his steed. Look at the news – people are nowhere near afraid of repercussion from God (hence the reason of this lovely weblog). A glimmer of those prophecies seem to be coming true, but then again, people have been saying, “Jesus is coming back” since… well, he came back the first time.

Without a shred of doubt, heaven is going to be without superlatives. You can’t describe how amazing it will be, but some people actually believe they can experience the blessings and the Zoe life of God here on earth, if even for a while.

So, MEMO to Drs. LaHaye and Jenkins: I understand your lives are set because of the prophecies of a few, but think for a minute that some people may want a taste of what you already have… and they don’t have a book to write, but a life to live.

Wall Watchers, read the story. I would love to hear what you think.

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You may not know – or be able to pronounce – the name Michael Guglielmucci. No takers? Well, if you are a fan of Hillsongs and Vineyard Worship, you should be familiar with the song, “Healer”.

Shoot, I sang that with tears welling up in church a few weeks ago. That song is great. It’s anointed. It’s blessed. It’s so full of passion. IT’S SOOOOOOOOOOO FAKE, according to this story in Australia’s Adelaide Now.

For a refresher, the video is below. For more evidence about what kind of a tool Guglielmucci really is – and it’s important to the integrity of this story – pay close attention to :31 on the time bar. G’head, I’ll wait…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

You see, this majestic and sacrosanct song was written out of the anguish of a cancer victim. Yeah, Guglielmucci. Well, for two years, HE FAKED IT! See the oxygen tube in his face? He performed this with bible in-hand, worship in-mind and deception in-heart. Amazing.

Does no one have fear of the Lord anymore?! You realize if it weren’t for Jesus, this [enter your own expletive here if you must] would be fertilizing daffodils with the quickness? That’s some dangerous holy ground he wanted to trod, and apparently he did it alone.

Edge Church International’s executive pastor Jonathan Fontanarosa said Mr Guglielmucci had “made it clear that he is not sick”… “But we’re waiting on further investigation to find out the full truth,” he said. “The church is in shock, we were totally unaware of the situation … It also said Mr Guglielmucci’s wife and family were unaware of the deception.”

Giving new meaning to 'Up your nose with a rubber hose'

Giving a sad, new meaning to UP YOUR NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE

Oh yeah, his own family founded the church where he sang this. Um, a regretful MEMO to this fraud’s family: If someone you love has “an aggressive form of cancer” and you don’t see any major problems other than the supposed whooping cough, take some time out and go to the friggin’ doctor with him!

So, as the PK, Guglielmucci had an instant audience to tell about his unfortunate ‘ailment’. And boy did he, as the prayers… and the cash… began to pour in. The story doesn’t say what led to him admitting the whole thing was a sham, but I would like to think God finally said, “When.”

Now the local police are investigating the church’s assets to see what cars, women and drugs he boughter, how he spent the money he was given by believers around the world that was touched by his story and this song.

Man, there is a special, balmy place in hell for this dude. Michael Guglielmucci, I hope you truly believe the words to that anthem you penned because only Jesus can ‘heal’ this mess before the deceiver comes to collect his rewards. Next time, just pray. It worked for my mother who actually had cancer, you twit!

If this sounds like a personal problem, it is… with this tool’s soul.

Meet Donald Clyde, pastor of a Round Rock (bustling suburb of Austin, Texas) and all-around fraudulent, sanctimonious D-bag.

Since 1992, he has been helping himself to the bounty of the Lord. That’s right, he takes a tithe from the church for himself to the tune of stealing more than $700,000 in those 15 years. Hence, the picture… that’s how a pastor’s hands should be, completely transparent. But not this cat.

He was so stealthy too. He made sure he absolute power, swarthy with the entourage but no one knew all his steps and he was the only one with a skeleton key (he probably needed it to bury those bones in his closet… thanks, I’m here all week.)

Good thing a trusty church accountant wasn’t in on the rouse. She noticed something awry with the donations and took that to the board, which proceeded to kick his faux-pastor’s tail to the curb and call the cops.

Clyde pleaded guilty to two counts of felony theft, both of which carry a penalty of up to life in prison. But prosecutors and Clyde’s defense attorney, Marc Ranc, asked that Clyde receive five years in prison for the first charge and 10 years probation for the second charge, and that the sentences run concurrently.

Evidently, Marc Ranc – attorney at slime – took a few classes in PR during his law school keggers. Get this quote:

“From the beginning, Mr. Clyde took responsibility and cooperated with the district attorney’s office,” Ranc said. “The church is the most important thing to him.”

MEMO to Marky Mark: OF COURSE, the church [NOTE: little ‘c’] is the most important thing to him! How else could he buy those cars, clothes and condos?! His monthly stipend? Puh-lease. A brotha’ gotta eat you know?

Meet Anti-Church Mom of the Year: Christy Roper from New Britain, Conn.

You see, she has an interesting nightlife. While churchgoers are tucked away in their beds praying to the sweet baby Jesus, Roper is off breaking into their churches stealing from poor and making them poorer.

Oh yeah, WITH HER THREE-YEAR OLD SON IN-TOW!

I guess with child-care costs as they are, she has a clear conscience. Good thing, because when she is in prison and he is robbing banks, she’ll have these special “mother-son” filed trips to think about and keep her warm at night. Well, that is, if the flames of hell don’t take care of that job already.

Good thing some churches believe in candid camera. Say cheese, Heifer! (The video is on the link).