Posts Tagged ‘polygamy’

I said it once, and now I get to say again… anyone remember excommunicated Mormon Chad Hardy?

Hardy is an entrepreneur from Las Vegas who had an epiphany that, if directed to a niche audience, would cause him a winfall of cash money. The idea was a Missionary Beefcake calendar of all those hottie LDS door-to-door salesmen.

And it worked. So much that he was excommunicated from Utah. Yeah, he was a 6th-generation Mormon. Nice.


Meet Miss May and Cover Girl. I'm sure she's a great cook.

Well, sad for the Mormons, it seems sex really does sell because Hardy is baaaack with something a little Oedipus complex-ish.

TheHot Mormon Muffins: A Taste of Motherhood calendar features 12 mothers who claim membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in vintage pinup picture poses. Each month also has a muffin recipe.

Genius. “Also has a muffin recipe.”

That’s like finding a dirty old man at the magazine rack in a truck stop. Of course, he reads that magazine just for the articles. And by the way, yes, he is just happy to see me.

This “muffin” calendar is the latest in the series of Mormon in print. The problem is that Hardy got the boot from the church, so you know Missus January through December could be next? Was it worth it? It is to Hardy. Just ask him.

“For Mormons, the most holy calling next to missionary work is motherhood,” said Hardy. “But they’re not all the subservient housewives that people think they are.

What? Did someone hurl a Ron Jeremy movie in the DVD player? What’s that mean?

The “Men on a Mission” calendar may have been done with tongue firmly planted in cheek, but this is done with a motive… and a bent. Dude is on a mission to make Mormons look foolish, but this could backfire because how many Atheists will consider flying to Utah just to get a calendar?

The funny thing about this imbroglio is considering the questionable marriage practices in the LDS church, does each month contain the multiple mothers of the same household?

Tami Roberts (seen pictured above) has three girls and is raising them to be devout Mormons.

“I also want them to be open, accepting of other people, know that everybody is not the same and that it’s OK to make your own choices,” said Roberts, who works as a restaurant server and confessed to having a few tattoos, generally considered taboo among Mormons.

Yeah, because having a tramp stamp in the middle of a baptism for some dead guy could be a skosh distracting.

No word from LDS central but something tells me you won’t see Hardy’s calendar on sale in Salt Lake anytime soon at Borders.


Sometimes with fame – or like this infamous obituary we are about to discuss – mothers lose their identity in the persona of the children of whom they gave identity.

Quick… without Wikipedia… name John Lennon’s mum, anyone? Abraham Lincoln’s mama? What about the mother of Martin Luther King, Jr.? Forget it. You can’t, unless you are a history buff, writing an autobiography or are one of those dorks who know the answer for the Sphinx slumming on Jeopardy.

(Somewhere, My Fair Lady is moaning and deleting my copies of Jeopardy off my DVR. Say, baby. BTW, Julia Stanley, Nancy Hanks and Missus Alberta).

david-koresh-timeThat said: Meet Bonnie Clark Haldeman, a once mild-mannered woman now found stabbed to death in a remote Texas town and oh yeah, mother of David Koresh.

We all know how Koresh’s legacy went up in flames… and uh, well never mind. But surely his mama died with some dignity? Right?

The mother of infamous Branch Davidian leader David Koresh was stabbed to death and her sister was in custody Saturday charged with her slaying, authorities said.

Her sister? Really?

Sure, the case is still under investigation but a religious zealot wasn’t the first suspect? Maybe a parent of one of the brainwashed and delusional that his sacrilege fireworks show sent to the grave. But her sister was the first they nabbed?

What’s that adage: You can take the woman away from the cult, but you can’t take the cult away from the woman? Or something like that.

Tom Hanks in a fit of rage, and waxing sentimental about the friends he made – and tragically lost – while making “Philadelphia”, decided to make a political statement… and a complete mockery of himself.

god-loves-gay-people-tooYou remember what is now commonly known as Proposition 8, which made a law in California that made marriage only recognized between a man and a woman. Hrm. Go figure, given the interlude between Adam and Eve and all.

Americans… well, only the rich and pretentious ones, and, oh, those who live in the Hollywood Hills… blame the Mormons for Prop 8 being voted into law (again).

Granted, California isn’t full of the LDS saints; nevertheless, because of some money, the Mormons got blamed for it. Chiefly among them was the aforementioned Tom Hanks who called the entire Mormon nation, “Un-American.

Never mind the fact being American is the very reason they were able to exercise their rights to fiscally bolster Prop 8, but apparently, Hanks think the denizens of Utah were actually illegally transported from Indonesia, Cuba or escaped from Madagascar in a plane of penguins.

Blame the economy, his conscience or the fact that some folk may not go see his great movies (except for “The Money Pit”, Oy!) after that cockamamie comment, Tom Hanks went biblical and performed a mea culpa, according to FOX News.

…”Everyone has a right to vote their conscience; nothing could be more American,” the statement continues. “To say members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints who contributed to Proposition 8 are ‘un-American’ creates more division when the time calls for respectful disagreement. No one should use ‘un- American’ lightly or in haste. I did. I should not have.”

mormon-family-crossingConsidering this is a guy for “Band of Brothers” and “Saving Private Ryan”, you would think he had a slight grasp on the Bill of Rights. But hey, we all reserve the right for a moment of vociferous angst… and an even larger right of delicious irony and unfortunate hypocrisy.

It turns out Hanks is an executive producer of the spoof drama about the Mormons – and their panache for multiple wives – called “Big Love.” Oh, and he spewed his vitriol at the HBO premiere of said production. That sound you heard was Joseph Smith and Brigham Young rolling over in the grave, doubled over in laughter.

Nice to know even though it’s been a while since the pop culture rich “Bosom Buddies,” Tom can still make folks laugh.

How ironic. He looks like another brainwasher for Jesus. Who was that again? Oh, I don't know but I sure am thirsty for some Kool-aid

How ironic. He looks like another brainwasher for Jesus. Man, I could use some Kool-aid

Tony Alamo is either an evangelist with a wide-scaping mission or a corrupt, nefarious fool using yet again God as a cover-up for his sin. Either way, he’s mysterious… until now.

For those that had swayed toward the latter, may I introduce a federal raid on his compounder, ministry and a story from CNN.

The raid is part of a two-year investigation into a compound near Texarkana, Arkansas, owned by Tony Alamo Christian Ministries, said Bill Sadler of the Arkansas State Police. About 100 agents were on the 10- to 15-acre site late Saturday and met with no resistance, he said.

Two years says a lot more than, “Um, let’s flippantly look into that one call.” If it’s a hoax based upon two years of investigation into child abuse and porn, then the FBI has way too much time on their hands. So, further endearing himself to the authorities, Alamo developed a mental case of stigmata.

“Why were they after Jesus?” he asked. “It’s the same reason. Jesus is living within me.”

If I have learned anything in seminary, it’s that any tool claiming an inhabitude proximity to the King of Kings is whacked out of his gord and an utter fraud destined for a more balmy climate (i.e. Koresh, Jones, de Jesus Miranda, well you get the point).

So, let’s run down this perv’s resume and you tell me if this Alamo is indeed worth remembering:

  • He allegedly stole his wife’s body from a mausoleum (owned by his own ministry) just as the feds were looking for it inspecting “church property”
  • He has a second name, legally (born Bernie Lazar Hoffman). This is Jesus – not Hollywood, you twit
  • He spent six years in prison for the ubiquitous “tax evasion,” which he earned for creating a line of “Tony Alamo” sequined denim jackets. Classy.
  • His ‘church’ has officially been dubbed a hate group – not quite the street cred you want claiming to love Jesus and all.
  • He has been recorded a bajillion times calling the Vatican, “a cult” anyone who go to a Catholic church, “heretics” and the man who holds the Papal office, “the super boss of all governmental agencies.” But hey, what’s new, right?
  • You call the goings-on at Capitol Hill, the “anti-Christ government.” I know the U.S. elected officials have been called many things, but never that one… oh wait, there’s this one guy. Ah, nevermind.
  • And lastly, if watchdog groups and cult experts like the great Rick Ross label you in their “Top 10,” odds are… you deserve it.

Tony Alamo, you have been called a polygamist, cult leader, child abuser and criminal. You have been arrested for tax evasion and now for child porn and underage sex. If you were the only Alamo in Texas, I believe I would move to North Dakota, or maybe even North Korea.

Let’s see here (cue harp music):

  • Nut job mormon decides there’s enough of him to go around (wassup ladies)
  • Teaches other dirty old men the same thing, trolling for older chics not that successful so skews a younger demo
  • Not too keen on the Utah vibe so they build a big temple in the Texas plains
  • The feds catch an ill wind blowing, get involved and abducter, rescue all those kids victimized by said dirty old men
  • And blah, blah, blah

Yeah, we have been here before. Looks like we are going back to Petticoat Junction because it seems the state of Texas haven’t given up and want eight of those kids back in custody.

Texas child welfare authorities are asking Texas District Judge Barbara Walther to put eight children, ranging in age from 5 to 17, back in state custody, alleging their mothers have refused to limit contact with men accused of being involved in underage marriages.

Sometimes you just need to let folk be because griping about it just antagonizes them. But here’s an age-old question: If the kids are ages 5 – 17, and the mothers are ALLOWING the MEN (not fathers) to have their way, AND THE STATE OF TEXAS HAS PROOF, what’s stopping Walker Texas Ranger from going in there and opening up a fresh can of whoop @$$ on those pedophiles!?

Stories all over the country about “get the kids” and “let my people go” but not one about “Perverts arrested and hung out to dry from FLDS compound.” Am I missing something?

Oh yeah, my sanity keeping track of this kooky collection of polygamist deviants (and yes, I’m talking about the mothers as well). Calgon, take THEM away… because the state of Texas apparently can’t!