Archive for August 8, 2008

We think that's where Missus Osteen was seated

We think that's where Missus Osteen was seated

Today’s episode in “How the Stomach Turns” involves the Stepford wife, Victoria Osteen directly.

The tale of air woe takes to complete reiteration of why we are here (Vicky cracking open a can of sanctified whoop @$$ on a flight attendant) and how bad it allegedly became (Vicky getting the red @$$ because she wasn’t given the red carpet).

After two flight attendants take the stand in civil court claiming abuse, “air rage” and the obvious race card, things got a little personal and very interesting as Ward Cleaver himself, Joel Osteen took the stand today and an oath (on that Bible thingy he seems to skirt around weekly).

The festivities kicked off with a cheese log amount of spin control from the diva in question:

The wife of megachurch evangelist Joel Osteen told jurors Friday she was “dumbfounded” and “shook up” after a Continental Airlines flight attendant accused her of assaulting her over a spill on a first-class seat. “I love people. I’m guilty of that,” Victoria Osteen said.

Oh my. I’m sorry I seem to have something in my eye… sniff sniff. No, not tears just the stench of that poo just flung against the wall. Whew! You know, forget the law suit and let’s gather ’round and sing a chorus of “We are the World.” No? OK, carry on.

According to the Houston Chronicle, Joel Osteen remained “calm on the stand.” Color me astounded at that news flash. If the guy raised his temperature one degree, I think I would have had to race to my television set for the Weather Channel to check if indeed hell had frozen over.

It didn’t because I’m sure the dippity do scurried down his brow during this lovely exchange:

Joel Osteen testified earlier Friday, supporting his wife’s claim and calling the incident “an unfortunate misunderstanding.” Osteen, who was on the same flight, said his wife could never attack somebody. “We would never disrespect authority or disrespect the flight attendant,” Joel Osteen said.

MEMO to the Milquetoast Ministers: You disrespected “authority and the flight attendant” the MOMENT one of you expected and demanded the hired help to wipe a quarter-sized spillage (never mind she has an entire plane to attend) and the other of you just sat there with the knowing nod of highfalutence and elitism. And uh, Vicky, if you are guilty of anything, it’s that.

The Federal Aviation Administration fined Victoria Osteen $3,000 for interfering with a crew member. The Osteens said they did not want to pay the fine but thought it would be the best way to put the incident behind them even though they felt they did nothing wrong.

THIS is why people claim leading a megachurch simply stretches the underwear elastic out of the caste system boxers. No matter how much mess you try to stuff in your boxers, you just too fat for your own britches. Come down to earth shepherds. The fat of your ego is hanging over your belt, and it ain’t pretty.

Joel and Victoria seem to be so absorbed in their own utopia full of pixie dust and Handel’s Messiah sounding whenever they walk in a room, that they believed paying this wouldn’t have the perception of GUILT! And who has three large to throw around like scraps to the family dog anyway? Not 95 percent of the people I know, just the five percent I watch on TV.

And now for the comic relief of the evening, as if watching the Platonic Pollyanna cry like it was a screen test wasn’t god enough for a giggle.

Brown wants an apology and punitive damages amounting to 10 percent of Victoria Osteen’s net worth as part of her lawsuit. Brown claims she suffers from depression and post-traumatic stress disorder because of the incident and that her faith has been affected. She is also suing for counseling expenses.

Seriously?! Post-traumatic stress?! Those who survived Katrina and 9-11 have PTSD. Soldiers defending our country against the wiles of terror have PTSD. Definitely not polyester-clad stewardesses whose contribution to society is, “Peanuts?”

Her faith has been affected because when the shoe dropped, it made a loud thud. Nice witnessing, Vicky. Stay classy. The “counseling” in question is from her ATTORNEY whose advice has almost led her to the pecuniary Promise Land. Overall, the entire suit is nuts indeed.

Um, can I get a coke with this?

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Another kind of writing on the wall... genius!

Another kind of writing on the wall... genius!

Before there was Tom “The Don” Cruise in Scientology extraterrestrial crop circles, there was Jason Beghe. The guy, probably most noted for uh… I linked his IMDB page… um… Melrose Place or Everwood (maybe?), was actually the crown prince of the mental cryptic cult nestled in the Hollywood Hills.

Well, unsure if the spotlight still warmed his tail in the colder months, he threw out a press release and denounced the social gathering with a 501 (c) (3) hoping someone would notice.

They did, and then some.

As a result of the national coverage, Scientologists everywhere flew into a frenzy, except for Tommy Boy who got his promotion to “Head Cashew” in the fancy-schmancy nut house.

Recently, noted Other Brick in the Wall “Idol Chatter” got an interview with the Dianetic defect. And believe me, Beghe rocked the mic and did everything but make fun of L. Ron Hubbard’s mama.

“In my humble opinion, Scientology is not a religion. It’s a dangerous religious cult: a cruel, sadistic business practice. Just because the IRS gave it tax exempt status does not make it a religion. Ninety percent of ex-Scientologists–and there are millions out there–do not consider it a religion.”

Don’t you know John Travolta is fueling up his jet and planning to bomb Beghe’s house right about now? Wait, there’s more:

“All my life I’ve been a very happy guy,” he says. “Until I got into Scientology, I didn’t know what depression was. The last ten years, I was absolutely miserable.”

This is a guy who was an OT V, which is equivalent to a Cardinal in the Vatican in terms of power and stroke. Give him some levity because Beghe has 13 years of brainwash leaking out of his ears and more than a decade of angst to take out on the thugs that did more than took his money, but his sanity.

Let me tell you, anytime you phrase someone who leaving a church of his or her own volition “being gotten out,” it’s NOT A CHURCH. It may as well be the Spanish Inquisition and bind potential SPs in chains, whipping them before meals and twice before devotionals. [FYI – a “suppressive person” is someone that is blacklisted from the castle AND all those swank ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ parties on Hollywood and Highland].

Now, I have searched major news networks and other Christian publications for salvation status. No word on Beghe accepting Jesus Christ, but someone that can be that gung-ho about a MAN… imagine how excited and contagious he could be for a living God? Go get ’em Jason! Give ’em hell… literally.

You remember the play.

Set in Hell’s Kitchen, 1950s when duck butts, leather jackets and having a bent eight were the rage. Hepcats and their smokes rolled up in a sleeve trying to show off for the dollies racing for pinks. Craaa-aaaazy man!

Well, fast forward to today in Anaheim, Calif., only it’s not the “Jets” and the “Sharks” involved in the story. It’s the oldest gangs in history – Christians and lions, heaven and hell, angels and demons… you know, God and Satan. Huh? It’s true, only it was played out in a Costa Mesa bar where three bikers were injured in a brawl.

Meet the Hell’s Angels and the Set Free Soldiers. Nice.

Two biker gangs at polar opposite sides of the theological spectrum were involved in a barroom brawl the other day. (No, I really can’t make this stuff up.) Two Hells Angels were stabbed and a Set Free Soldier was hit on the head with a pool ball. [Let’s see, Satan – 1, God – 2. Well, go God!] And after 150 patrol officers and SWAT members raided the Costa Mesa bar, both sides of this religious kerfuffle were arrested.

The members of the Set Free Soldiers group were arrested for investigation of conspiring to commit murder, Newport Beach police spokesman Sgt. Evan Sailor said. The three Hells Angels were taken into custody for investigation of assault and drug possession.

Seriously?! What’s next? A terse basketball player waits for the circus to come to town so he can fight a midget clown and bill it as a modern-day ‘David and Goliath’. How about a zookeeper that loves his job too much, considers Greystoke to be his hero and then freaks out one day, marches to his bosses’ office and screams, “Let my people go!” Or I know, I know. Let’s get a powerful, notable person – say, a presidential candidate – to call himself a Messiah and half the nation fawns after him causing the other half to call him the “Antichrist.” Oh wait, that story line is already taken.

Ah well, boys will be boys. Only these had a bit more leather, a gallon more sweat and about 500 pounds more of side pork. I just wonder what set this fisticuffs off? Bad witnessing? The classic argument about oneness v. trinitarians flare up? Maybe one swarthy and chunky biker said to the other, “Do you feel pretty?” Yeah, that’ll do it.