Archive for the ‘Good for a Giggle’ Category

It’s been said, “There aren’t words large enough to describe Jesus.” Well, let’s make that real estate as well.

While Jesus sits at the right hand of the Father, we have known our Savior also has a summer cottage in Rio de Janeiro. There he stands, high atop a mountain in a tropical climate becoming the centerpiece of postcards everywhere.

Giant Jesus in Poland

Jesus. Truly Above All Else!

Now, with real estate prices tanking, the time is ripe for the Lord to secure a winter home as well. And he found some prime real estate according to this story in USA Today.

Rev. Sylwester Zawadzki, the 78-year-old priest who created the statue said it rises 108 feet, or 33 meters — one meter for every year that Jesus lived. Other members of the construction team, however, gave differing figures. One said it rises 167 feet if you include a mound it sits on and the crown on the head. By comparison, the statue in Brazil’s Rio is 125 feet tall.

There’s some creative license, which is nice. Chiefly, Giant Jesus has a gold King’s crown fitting for a risen Savior versus the Crown of Thorns noted in every Catholic church across… well, Poland.

Apparently, the locals think Jesus making a home will be good for the local economy too:

They believe it will put their town of 22,000 on the map for tourists and Roman Catholic pilgrims and bring in needed money to renovate the historic buildings in the tiny town center.

“I am extremely proud,” said Danuta Gordzelewska, a 60-year-old who watched as the statue’s head was lowered into place.

Gordzelewska has donated money to the statue, which was funded by contributions from as far away as Canada. “It’s special to watch something being built that later generations will have.”

Yeah! Stimulate that, Congress. What! (Not a direct quote from the statue. Just sayin’.)

So, there he is.

In the humble Polish town of Swiebodzin stands the only begotten Son of God with arms open wide and becoming the bane of existence for all planes as the Lord refuses to leave the flight path for anyone.

Yes, Ghost Rider, the pattern is so righteous and full.

In this month’s ubiquitous and divine hallucinogenic moment in time, we have  our Savior dying for another cause – the cost of terrestrial phone usage.

I know there are much bigger fish to fry, such as the price of gas and just what is “The Event”, it seems people have been praying to the heavenlies about their landlines and cell phones.

As most of us know, the Bible declares in Isaiah 65:24, “Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.”

He gave his all for 500 free minutes of salvation

Evidently, people did call… literally. And the Lord heard. So much so, that he decided to show himself in full glory, and in full support of Thomas Alva Edison, according to the Telegraph (UK).

Rickey Navarre [who testified to someone at Louisiana’s KPLC-TV] did a double take of the pole while driving along Highway 26, and said he sees what appears to be Jesus Christ hanging on the cross.

“It just caught my eye. I said to myself, that sure looks like an image of Jesus hanging from the telephone pole,” said Navarre.

You know, I figure this makes a load of sense because when I am driving along the highway and an unfamiliar road hazard is alongside the road, I usually yawp, “JESUS!”

Don’t you? No? Just me?

I know. I know. I never thought the economy would get so bad that this headline would ever be necessary. I always Jesus rocked the finest of tunics and got his hair groomed by celebrity stylists but it’s true according CNN’s Belief Blog:

George Horn allegedly broke into the St. John the Baptist Catholic Church on the night of June 26. Fort Lauderdale police say the 48-year-old suspect broke a window to enter the church, took a crucifix from the church’s altar and then used it to pry open a donation box.

What kind of sick and deranged fool do you have to be to use a crucifix to steal… from a church! Let’s find out:

That's a theft in progress. And yes, that's a crucifix in his hands.

Courtesy: Fort Lauderdale PD

There’s a theft in progress. That’s candid camera. And yes, that’s the Son of God in his clammy hands.

This guy is jonesin’ to go to hell. He has to be. Why else would you take that as your “Crowbar of record”?! Sure, this guy must have been a crackhead, but I can stumble across a homeless man, say the name of Jesus and get a civil response.

Not Rosemary’s Baby here. Oh no. He’s got life all figured out.

According to WPLC 10 in Fort Lauderdale, the guy was prying his way into a losing situation (Thanks, I’m here all week):

“It’s almost an act of desperation,” the Rev. James Daly, a visiting priest, told Local 10’s Janine Stanwood… Daly said the man first went for the two donation boxes located at each end of the church. Daly said people leave what they can in those boxes for the poor. They are locked and not always checked on a regular basis.

Daly said the burglar then walked toward a prayer area where candles are lined above.”Then he came up here where the bigger money would be. But there’s no bigger money because there’s nobody here in the summertime,” he said.

Here’s the ironic thing of the whole CSI case: The suspect, who was caught on surveillance video, cut himself at some point, leaving a large amount of blood behind, police said.

Anyone see the divine sense of humor in that?

I'm too sexy for my Clerics

Am I the only fop that hasn’t seen this about a once-famous girl idol gone swiftly into a realm where no Episcopalian has ever gone before?

Meet Barbie – only she found Jesus… or perhaps raided Madonna’s reject collection. Check out the threads.

Our fashion model is rocking the latest in Episcopal Vicar wear today. Fresh from her spa appointment, the heifers munching on their Funyuns were saying, “Faw-faw-faw-faw-faw.”

And if there mouths weren’t pushing maximum density, I’m certain that would sound like, “Girl, when I get with Jesus, that’s exactly how I’m going to church.”

From WOW News’ Religion News Service:

The 11.5-inch-tall fictional graduate of Church Divinity School of the Pacific in Berkeley, Calif., has donned a cassock and surplice and is rector at St. Barbara’s-by-the-Sea in (where else?) Malibu, Calif.

She arrived at the church fully accessorized, as is Barbie’s custom. Her impeccably tailored ecclesiastical vestments include various colored chasubles (the sleeveless vestments worn at Mass) for every liturgical season, black clergy shirt with white collar, neat skirt and heels, a laptop with prepared sermon and a miniature, genuine Bible.

I doubt this is an evangelism tool from Mattel, so why in heaven do this? Do the dolts running this age-old brand really believe they will up their market share with this – Episco-Barbie?!

Turns out our evangelical babe isn’t from Mattel at all. It’s a gift from Rev. Julie Blake Fisher, an Episcopal priest in Kent, Ohio to her friend, fellow female priest, Rev. Dena Cleaver-Bartholomew, rector of Christ (Episcopal) Church, in Manlius, N.Y., near Syracuse.

“I got a phone call from my husband who said a large package had arrived; Julie had told me that she was making something for me. She used to be a dressmaker and she makes gorgeous stoles, so I thought she was making me a stole,” said Cleaver-Bartholomew. “When I came home and there was this enormous box, I knew it wasn’t just a stole!”

Fisher had made Episcopal Priest Barbie and a few vestments two years ago for the children in her parish to dress. And now, homely girls everywhere are asking Santa Jesus for this doll. (Incense not included).

You know, this is actually a smart move because as all divas know, black works with everything.

For the Jesus aficionados searching for the latest trinket for your little princess, I wonder what’s next [cue harp music]:

  1. Pentecostal Barbie – She can have the same raggedy hair and little girls will save money as they make her clothes too.
  2. Baptist Barbie – As the women serve in various outreaches, now they know they can look smart and work those pumps.
  3. Jehovah’s Witness Barbie – Good thing it’s only a doll because – like the real-life version – this one won’t talk in church either.
  4. Megachurch Barbie – Accessorize for the Lawd! And, when anorexia hits, rock the clerics and hide those stretch marks, girls.
  5. Mormon Barbie – She will work the Vicar look head-to-toe, only hers will be in 100% polyester. (Pair of Missionary Kens definitely not included).
Stealing an offering; Receiving a beating

Perhaps they would not have been caught if they saw CSI?

Just when you thought we were all done with Easter stories and could go back to a shameful televangelist, an abusive priest or even someone actually living for God and for real, we come across two dimwitted broads who evidently didn’t get enough from the Easter Bunny and decided to hop in to holiday yore with their latest stunt.

According to the Sacramento Bee, two women took advantage of being “just a visitor” at the Church of the Nazarene on Arden Way and decided to make their way out the door of the church office with “between $10,000 and $25,000 in cash and checks” before anyone could verify who they were. Classy.

The women – described as African Americans in their 20s – left in a faded black ’80s sedan, Jones said. One was wearing a purple shirt, the other a black shirt, Jones said. No arrests have been made. Church members who made an offering with a check during the early service have been advised to stop payment.

Yes, please stop payment unless you would like your Easter offering to go Ray’s Pawn Shop on the south side for some cheap fur coat, a used Nintendo DS and possibly a pack of Lucky Strikes.

How fast do you have to want to get to hell when you steal from a church on Easter Sunday? I’m sure these women weren’t after money for the rent – they staked the joint and got sticky fingered when no one was looking.

Perhaps the synopsis of this dastardly deed was best summarized by “longtime parishioner and former state Assemblyman Larry Bowler,” whose subjective point of view should be a DVD extra on “Cops” or something:

To steal from anyone is an outrage. To steal from a church is a double outrage and to steal from a church on Easter Sunday – that is beyond outrage,” Bowler said.