Archive for July, 2008

Meet Anthony Hopkins.

No, not this one seen in the most noted mug shot of Hollywood history. This one is the real life version from Mobile, Ala. who is doleful excuse of a man, horrific example of a preacher and just a basic waste of space.

Here’s his story:

A small-time evangelist was arrested during a church service Monday after police found a body in his freezer believed to be his wife, a mother of eight.

What?! Initially, let me applaud FOX News for the slight, a “small time evangelist” is indeed fitting. And now for what he did while cloaked as one of the sheep.

He was a male person who donated sperm to eight children ranging in ages 3 to 19 (because calling him a “father” is too much of a complement). Eight!

He was called “Rev.” because he was usually storing his familyer, the people that lived with him into his minivan. Then a relative who reported years of sexual abuse sparked an investigation that led the cops to a church he was preaching about – wait for it – FORGIVENESS! And then BOOM goes the dynamite!

“They run in, and they had their guns out,” pastor Beverly Jackson told “I didn’t know what was going on. I though it was the alarm system had gone off.”

Dolts like this temerarious schlemiel commit heinous crimes daily. Whether it’s selling enough sniff to a group of middle-school kids to alert the border patrol or your garden variety menace serial killer, just be out in the open about it and wait for the “Law & Order” to stomp a mudhole in you and walk it dry.

Why hide? Oh yeah, because they are born to be cowards.

It’s like that scene in “New Jack City” where Nino Brown holds up a little girl to deflect gunfire. That’s what Mr. Hopkins did here, only he hid behind a cleric outfit and a make-believe calling. During the day, he proselytizing about Jesus, but at night he’s plotting for Satan.

There is a parable about a tree and its fruit that I’m certain Brother “Going to Hell” missed out on, so I’d like to abbreviate before he gets rolled up in prison and will be treated to the extent of the Golden Rule he gave his wife and kids.

Simply put when comparing preachers to trees, Jesus said, “By their fruit you will recognize them.” Wall watchers and those of you just browsing, when someone says, “I love Jesus,” do one thing – wait awhile. When you hang around that person looking for fresh strawberries, and nothing but prickly durian comes out of those seeds, you’ll know.

The scent makes your eyes water, your tongue swells up the size of a bologna stick when you taste what they are driveling and being around them hurts like… well, hell.

If my stomach turns reading this story, I can’t imagine what God must think. Pray for those kids, Wall Watchers. Aside from losing their mother, which is utterly tragic enough, now they have to deal with someone that said they loved Jesus did this. Yeah, there’s a special place in Hades for you, dude. Hope you’re a smoker. If not, you will be.

I once heard a preacher say, “Some things you can’t move away from. Sin is a freeloader, it has no address.”

Well, you wouldn’t think Satan had the small community of Roselle, Ill. on his GPS unit, but evidently he does and that’s where we meet Rev. John Regan of St. Walter’s Parish.

Wait a minute… Peter… Paul… Thomas… Francis of Assisi… but, Walter?! Yeah, he’s got a canon to his credit too. Anywhoo…

Rev. here was placed on the ubiquitous “administrative leave” for allegedly “misappropriating $112,000 in church cash to fund a gambling habit, a spokesman said Wednesday.”

The only way you “misappropriate” that kind of scratch is win your horse didn’t come in, or you just became the proud new owner of a sleek Lamborghini. Regretfully, it was the former that bit him.

“Financial records indicate that a clear majority of the misappropriation is related to gambling, indicating an apparent gambling addiction,” [spokesman for the Catholic Diocese of Joliet] Delaney reported in a statement. “Father Regan has already begun therapy in relation to that addiction.”

It’s unknown what’s going to happen to Father Stickyfingers, but one thing is for certain – he best get his job back considering all of the priests still off the unemployment line (never mind in the jail house) from all their “alleged” altar boy mishaps.

For a guy that just experienced what he has, the man has found some bold and strident ways to get cathartic. First, he preaches in his church the first Sunday back after the devastating news.

And now this introspective editorial, as seen in the Christian Post. It’s worth the read.

My favorite quote:

By questioning God’s goodness and love, I am in essence saying that I know more about it than He does. The fact is, God doesn’t become good because that’s my opinion of Him, or because I happen to personally agree with His actions or His words. Nor does He become good because we vote on it and all agree that is the case.

Man, if I lived anywhere close to this guy’s church, I would burn up a pew… and all that opinion has taken place in the past week. What a vessel of God’s grace. Live on, Greg.

Hillsong Church is in the news.

You know, “Here I am to Worship” and “Shout to the Lord”? Yeah, that Hillsong Church. However, this story is not about some new CD Darlene Zschech has released.

This one is about the church as a whole, and according to this interesting story from the Sydney Morning Herald, they are creating the – wait for it all Mary Kay sales representatives – “Beauty Gospel”.

The program is called “Shine” and it’s described as “practical, life-equipping, values-based course” that evidently has spawned many little impressionable girlser, young women whose lives have been improved by learning about “being a good friend” and “learning about myself”.

What began in its Bible classes has now been implemented in at least 20 public schools throughout Australia.

But serious concerns have been raised by teachers, adolescent developmental experts and parents groups. They say the program is inappropriate for troubled young women, that the under-qualified facilitators are reinforcing gender stereotypes. and that some parents have not been properly informed.

So by teaching girls how to put on make up, have awesome manicures and dress five years past their age is good for self-esteem? Not in my house, mate. At least not for me personally. If my lil’ Wall Watcher decided she wanted to “get her shine on” by learning how to woman up before she’s you know… 40… I would pass out. But call me old fashioned.

The catch with this program (and don’t you know this would be torched in the states) is the schools PAY HILLSONG TO TEACH IT. Take that, America. That’ll get the Bible back in schools… or will it?!

“Over the last two or three years teachers have been coming to us with concerns about Shine,” said the president of the Hills Teachers Association, Sui-Linn White. “It is the gender stereotypes that they are imposing. The focus on skin care, nail care, hair care – it objectifies women … These are things women fought against for centuries – they’ve got no place in a public school.”

Great. Out of all the teachers in Australia, the SMH finds the one that embraces the “I just got out of bed” look along with the olfactory teasing “Toothpaste is for girlie girls” scent. Nice! It seems Hillsong Church is content on teaching these tips to girls in hopes of boosting morale, age requirements and a hypersensitive legion of parents. And maybe also creating a small sect of Stepford Kids.

Man, kinda gives an entirely new definition to the great worship song, “People Just Like Us”. Hmmm.

Consider this one a bonus round, because it’s well worth it.

This month, we have already had some who obviously needs prayer for glaucoma who saw Jesus in the bark of a palm tree. However, I couldn’t hold on to this one until August because it’s that ridiculous.

Saints, get ready and bow at the altar of the hallowed [GULP] “Cheesus”. See his cute lil’ Glamour Shot there?

Kelly Ramey, [a High Ridge, Missouri woman], says, “I think I found Jesus on a Cheeto as funny as that sounds.”

OH NO! What in the world of all things sacred – and edible – makes you say that?! Why would finding the Son of God replicated on a nasty puffed chip make you think that’s a tad strange?

Sounds normal to me. About as typical as God giving you the answer to life’s questions not in the Bible, but in a nice bowl of Alpha Bits!

But what’s worse is this fool gets national headlines! Are the media so hungry for a real experience with God that they would rather give three minutes to the “Cheese of Cheeses” than you know, get their tails in a church and learn about Jesus personally?

So, you ready for Spin Control?

The pastor of Kirkwood United Methodist Church does not see anything theologically special about the Cheeto, but thinks some good could come from it. Pastor David Bennett says, “If people can find Jesus, somehow, in each of us like she’s found in this object, that would be a wonderful thing.”

COUGH! Sorry, that was a little throw up in my mouth. Hey, Rev. You really think this chip will cause her to think, “Thank you God. I was looking for a sign that you were alive, and I found it in my kids sack lunch.” If so, well, I’ll laugh out loud, roll on the floor and repent. However, let’s get real… it’s a CHIP!

What’s next? Tasting the spirit of God in some Salt & Vinegar Lays? Reliving Moses turning his staff into a snake by commanding some beef jerky into that dude in the Slim Jim commercials? Is there an end to this madness?

However, I do have one question. This goes out to the Catholics in Florida who think this kid deserved lethal injection, “Um, would this count as transubstantiation?” IJS!