Archive for September, 2008

Sounds obvious, right? Yeah, you’re so sly. You knew there was a catch.

Once again, this historic election continues its journey down the topsy-turvy of mindmelding worlds of faith and politics. The sheep of the Church have no idea who to believe about issues of faith so they just bah at the first politician who shouts, “God.”

Now, according to this story from the Washington Post, they won’t have far to scurry.

And why? Check the headline and note the strategy: So, every time you turn on your favorite CCM or uber-conservative talk radio station, who would you assume will be talking to you during the commercials? I’ll give you a hint – he’s old, gray and conservative. That’s right… any Republican with an advertising budget running for office.

Well, scratch that… because Dem’ Dems are coming to Nashville – the utopia of Christian radio! Why?

“I think it would be shocking to a lot of people if you interviewed Christian artists, the split would be pretty even” between Republicans and Democrats, says Grant Hubbard, vice president of promotion for EMI Christian Music Group, one of the biggest labels. “The consumer, on the other hand, is about 80-20.”

While this story drones on and on, in an interesting sort of way, it makes one – well, me – think, why not?!

Who is to say you have to be a Christian in order to be a Republican?! Without prattling verbatim about something HiScrivener feels passionately about, check out this post here.

In other words, sports fans, Jesus loved us so much that when he created Adam out of his breath and dirt, he gave him the ability to reason, think and communicate. Otherwise, I may as well be a duck-billed playtpus. That said, why do you vote?

Because a candidate is stereotypically “the only one who supports pro-life”? If that’s the case, Obama ain’t your guy. Or is it because a candidate “visibly supports biblical issues”? And if that is the case, do you really have a clue?

Although this is a polytheistic nation, we serve a singular God. Read the flippin’ Bible and determine what his candidacy would run on, then answer me this, “Do you think Jesus would advertise on Christian radio to get the attention of Christians?”

Yeah, I thought you would agree. Incidentally, the next story in this series will be about John McCain taking out a full-page spread in Ebony. Now that should be good reading.

The only cracked around here is dude's point of view

The only cracked around here is this dude and his point of view

If only I could make this stuff up, wrap it in satire and patent it as “intellectual property,” I would be a star writer on SNL. Ah, the high life.

Back to reality, meet Francis Macnab – a controversial cult leader with a knack for not reading much good religious writ. This dolt decided to “create” a religion the other day that would be “a new faith for the 21st century.”

In order to get his new found, irksome religion off to a good start, he has to make some bold claims including:

  • Abraham is probably a concoction
  • Moses was a mass murderer
  • Jesus Christ was a Jewish peasant who certainly was not God
  • The Ten Commandments was one of the most negative documents ever written

According to Dr. Macnab [psychotherapist and executive minister at the generically entitled, “St. Michael’s Uniting Church”], the new faith is a Dr. Feelgood version of the fluff, the non-convicting and the footloose and fancy free of the biggies – Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism and Judaism. Why?

The old faith is in large sections unbelievable. We want to make the new faith more believable, realistic and helpful in terms of the way people live,” he said.

Hey uh, “Doc”, the next time you are inditing the “new” Ten Commandments and you consider, “Thou Shalt be Lukewarm” to be a big hit for your brainwashed victimser, followers, consider what the “old God” thought about that word…

So, because you are lukewarm – neither hot nor cold – I am about to spit you out of my mouth (Revelation 3:16)

I’m no expert on swimming in saliva, but I would imagine the G.I. Tract of the Almighty is not a great place to be. So, good luck with that, you turd.

Meet “Pastor” Steve Richardson from Royce City, Texas.

This is a twisted degenerate of the highest order who apparently didn’t have a great broadband connection at his own den of iniquity, so he decided to use the church computer (yes, where he was senior pastor) for some JPEG exchanges and vagarious chatting.

He’s a “pastor,” how bad could it be?! How does naked shots of children ages 3 – 10 grab ya’ as sick?

Yeah, that’s this guy.

Richardson was busted after he allegedly sent images to an undercover federal agent, who used another child pornography suspect’s identity, authorities said. Graphic online chats between Richardson and the agent are documented in the criminal complaint.

The court documents report when Richardson, under the user name cowboysspades, asked “Vlad,” the undercover agent, about a child’s age, he stated “even more awesome” when the agent responded four.

Listen, folk I work with know I am saved and have no qualms talking about faith. Candidly, I am dreading going to work on Monday because are going to be asking the ubiquitious question, “Why does God allow this?”

I don’t know, but I tell you, when this tool ends up in jail, I hope his new bunkmate wakes him up early in the morning… time and time and time again.

When the melody sings, “Jesus loves the little children,” it wasn’t meant to mean that way… and that little. This is an atrocity, and I don’t know how “Vlad” felt while pegging this guy in a corner, but I can tell you one thing – I would love to see him “impaled.”

OK, OK, I’ll repent after I applaud. Satisfied?

Experience? Who needs it. Know-how? Who cares. Chutzpah? Who knows.

This election will be the most historic of our generation so why not involve God just a little more. How? Oh, well that’s easy. Ensure the potential Veep is demon-proof and she is protected from witchcraft. No, really.

I mean, when you’re in a pinch against terrorism or any diabolical foreign heads-of-state, a girl has got to get her swerve on against them and the ballyhooed influences that drive them, right?

Check this grainy video for proper documentation of Palin and her superpowers:

Now, while I remove my tongue from its resting place aside my salivary cheek glands, let’s take a stroll down amnesia lane. Remember McCarthyism? The so-called “political witch hunt”? Anyone? Evidently, this 1940s and 1950s metaphorical “witch hunting” is now modern-day reality for the throng of liberal media to feast upon.

You aren’t going to get a member of the media – whether saved or not – who will stand up for this prayer and understand its about metaphysical and spiritual influences, and not physical pitchfork-carrying, red-faced ne’er-do-wells.

But because of the hype surrounding Rev. Thomas Muthee (the witch hunter in question) who brags about chasing away witches and shamans from towns, Sarah Palin gets pulled in this holy hodgepodge and now her intelligence is yanked into the fray for political capabilities. Good times ahead for late night TV.

So, come on media… bring it.

Let’s joke about burning innocent women to the stake in Salem, Massachusetts 300 years ago and how Sarah Palin hates fire. Have some fun about Broom Hilda and ask Sarah Palin to put lipstick on that thing. I can hear the talk shows now putting up images about the medieval days of lore and placing the Palin clan in Druid garb brewing up some human flesh stew over a toasty campfire.

In other words, somewhere… someplace… Barack Obama and Joe Biden are slapping a big high-five and placing Ol’ Rev. Constantine here on their Christmas card list in a couple of months. And John McCain is probably reaching for the Tums.

Ah, elections. Someday, we’ll talk about helping Americans with their livelihoods instead of Hollywood with all these freak movie plots.

A few days ago, we read on the Wall about renowned Christian publication, Gospel Today, getting the heisman from a bunch of good ol’ boys known as the Southern Baptist Convention. What happened?

You can check right here for details, but they – also the owners of Lifeway Christian Bookstores – removed the magazine from its bookshelves nationwide because it had the gall to feature “female pastors” on its cover.

The shame of it all – a Christian magazine thinking to write an editorial story. You know, doing what a magazine is supposed to do?! But after the SBC takes the position of “Big Brother,” Gospel Today publisher Teresa Hairston points a Pentecostal finger at them clamoring in this story from, “1984 this!”

Hairston, who holds a Doctorate in Theology from the Richmond Theological Seminary, sees it as a matter of sexism. It’s an insult to women for this story to be suffocated and treated like pornography. It’s insensitive and unjust,” she gripped, adding that the goal of the gospel is to set the captives free.

Why the porn comment? Oh, if you were interested in purchasing the magazine at the store post-edict, the store reps would have to provide you said magazine from behind the counter, as if patrons of a CHRISTIAN BOOK STORE was looking for a copy of [insert any popular smut rag here].


And if you think the SBC will have the last word, you don’t know Ms. Hairston like I do (and yes, I do).

Further, the owner of Gospel Today points out, it is hypocritical for the SBC to have endorsed the Republican ticket where the Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin could potentially lead the country, but they can’t entrust a woman to lead a local assembly of believers.

Again, nice. Point. And match.