Archive for August 11, 2008

For the past few days, we have been tracking the histrionic in Houston known as Victoria Osteen getting sued for being a primadonnaer, having a bad day aboard a plane and forced to sit in the comforts of a pleather reclining chair with enough liquid on it to get a small tick mouse damp.

Being a pastor’s wife, you would expect her to make a heartfelt and gratuitous statement in front of the seeker-sensitive horde at Lakewood Church, get all flustered with emotion, blubber on-stage with thankfulness and discuss the faithfulness of God bringing them through this ordeal (and muttering under breath, “Dear God, strike that stewardess down and fry her like hot wings!”)

Well, sure enough that happened this Sunday… only FROM JOEL!

Meanwhile – and it’s on tape – a conservative Stepford wife stood stoically and frigid poised with folded fingers and fastened lips personifying the strength and compassion of a… well, a bitter old betty whose retirement benefits have just been cut in-half. There’s nothing on her face that says, “Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for being here. Thank you for appreciating the work of our ministry.” No, she’s been exposed and now on her Barbie frumpy forehead we see lines of anguish that would fill a book (and yes, you know her publisher already has a call on his voice mail).

Here are some highlights in the 5.5 minute video below:

  1. “We usually don’t talk about our personal lives.” True, but what’s that adage, “Pictures are worth a thousand words.” Have you seen the Portfolio piece yet and the museum-slash-arboretum they call ‘home’?! Those pictures are throwing more words at me than Noah Webster on crack.
  2. “All things work out for good for those that love the Lord.” OK, who didn’t expect that one? Anyone? Bueller? And don’t fret Joel. You won’t lose ten percent of her assets (so, so ridiculous and transparent). But this melodrama called “news” was warranted by your bride. Come down, Rapunzel. Let down that golden fleeceer, hair.
  3. “He sustains us through any trial… ANY TEMPTATION.” Uh, Vicky… that would be for you as you stare down anyone in the audience that looks like hired help of an airline. Temptation? You remember? The ability to act like Linda Blair on the set of “The Exorcist” while still being a card-carrying member of the “I’m better than you because I’m higher up on the God food chain” club. Nicely done, Joel. Now THAT’S your Daddy talking.

Then we are treated to more of the same, only no one is in the passenger seat. So, we know Joel likes the Gospel without the calories, the fat, the processed materials, and uh, oh yeah, most of the scriptures. After he directly mentions the law suit (well, as close as he can get on camera), he takes an abrupt U-turn and continues his weekly jaunt down Suppositious Street. “Blah, blah… God loves you… blah, blah… and so do we… blah, blah… you look good today… blah, blah… and so do we…”

During this excursion, watch Vicky carefully.

No clapping, no smiling, no moving, no thing. It’s as if she has her ‘X’ on stage and must remain poised. Only she’s a pastor’s WIFE and should reflect the love of God, not of her spurned ex-boyfriends in law school. Is that the portrait of faith and happiness in Jesus we are supposed to portray in the face of adversity, or is she a little terse at the entire imbroglio in which she’s involved (and she should be)?

OR is it maybe these is her true colors all along? Red with anger. White with transparency. Yellow with cowardice. Blue while she holds her breath of any praise. And green with cash in your eyeser, envy.

And even though Sharon Brown is full of more fluff than your book about her post-traumatic stress, Vicky, perhaps her description wasn’t as embellished as you want us to think. Your hubby was master of the Lakewood TV ministry for awhile. Ask him to play back the tape.

Maybe – just maybe – you will see what we see, notify your face that you are saved and come down to the earth where the weather is warmer, the people are kinder and everyone is A LOT smarter than you give them credit for being.

Now, on with the show:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

No, this isn’t some obscure cult in the coal mines of West Virginia. I mean real folk with real driver licenses, albeit a small portion of them belonging to select “religious group”, but never mind that right now.

Meet Phil Hudok. We’ll call him “the leader of the pack.”

Now while this story seems fueled by eschatology (end times) naysayers, Hudok and his gang of religious misfits have bucked the system and gave their pentecostal finger to the man.

Together, they told the West Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles they will not be marked, photographed or given a one-way ticket to hell, thank you very much. Um, what?

State Division of Motor Vehicles Commissioner Joseph Cicchirillo said the group of about 50 or 60 Christians, who are not affiliated with a particular church, contacted the agency two or three years ago to object to their pictures “being on a database that can be exchanged throughout the world or hacked into.”

Hudok and other members of his group have said bar codes and digital storage of photos are a way of numbering people, which they liken to a warning in the Bible’s book of Revelation about a “mark of the beast” indicating the arrival of the Antichrist.

Evidently, this isn’t the first time Hudok has pulled the “no bar coding me in the name of religion” stunt. In 1999, the preacher-in-training was fired as a Randolph County school teacher for refusing to require his students to wear bar-coded identification badges. That’s it, brother. Badges! We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!

MEMO to the Pied Piper of Deliverance: I have another “revelation” for you, this ain’t that mark. We have all read Revelations 13:

‘And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads. And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name’

Sane believers and religious whack jobs have been saying so many things is that mark which cannot be erased. Anything from RFID tags, UPC codes to satellite TV. I even know a small-minded numerologist (well, he’s just some dude I met at a church once) that refuses to buy hot dogs and soft drinks because they come in SIX-packs! (No, really!)

So is the story of Hudok who has been on his own religious crusade against the West Virginia Antichrist as he began writing the DMV more than 10 years ago because – wait for it – the Holy Spirit “told him to do so.”

And as legalistic as that sounds (and is), Hudok rallied the troops and won this battle.

He and his sanctimonious motley crew get state IDs without the picture. I suppose this rallies another band of demented brothers in the Hillbillyer, Mountain State. No, not a jug-sippin’, washboard-playin’ trio with a collective amount of six teeth. No, I was thinking more like identity thieves. To them, it’s heaven. I know it I was one, I would be packing the U-haul en route to Charleston with the quickness.

Good thinking, West Virginia! Despite this, the Hillbillies did give one piece of genius folklore… enjoy! But don’t listen while driving, eerie things could happen.