Archive for August 7, 2008

So, the televangelist court saga of 2008 is underway as Missus Tiara Victoria Osteen (seen in the picture fresh off the plane) is taken to task for breaking out her best MMA impression on an unwitting flight attendant who didn’t tend to some spillage in her cushy pleather-clad seat in first class.

After the neutered jury was claimed, the case is now underway in Houston for what has to be a complete misuse of our justice system in that Sharon Brown [the untoward stewardess in question] wants an apology and punitive damages amounting to 10 percent of Victoria Osteen’s net worth as part of her suit.

Again, all this over a spill on an armrest the size of a half-dollar. And I still can’t get the city to call me back about some deferred adjudication. Bums.

MEMO to Vicky: They’re called HANDI WIPES, woman! And now, because you have to be like REM and “lose your religion” by trying to actually break into the cockpit (despite all those ignored 9-11 prods in the news) and bust out a kimora on the hired help, we are here languishing thousands of dollars in legal fees making attorneys the only ones that come out looking good in this whole fiasco.

Ah, ain’t life grand. Back to the new details…

“She was demanding that attention be given to her immediately,” Johnson said. She added that Victoria Osteen kept saying: “This is ridiculous. I’m a first-class passenger.”

Nice. If you bring that same sense of self-aggrandizement in your carry-ons, I wonder how you treat your freakin’ lawn care workers. Do you insist on speaking “Hab-lay-Es-pain-ol-lay” because you just know that can’t understand English?

Well, it’s obvious you have mastered the Queen’s tongue. I’ve seen your book – one Victoria Osteen certainly attempts to personify daily. It’s called “Love your life.” Well, we can’t all be like you.

You know, pretentious, elitist and difficult to understand speaking because of that silver spoon crammed in your throat. No… well, yeah, that’s what I meant actually.

However, your attorney was understood and correct:

“This is nothing more than an attempted extortion,” [Rusty] Hardin told jurors during opening statements in the trial in which he said his client did nothing wrong. While questioning Johnson, Hardin suggested that she and Brown might have overreacted or that Johnson might not have remembered the confrontation correctly.

Yeah, yeah. Hey Rusty. Now that you’re done with Roger Clemens (how did that work out for ya’ anyway), I need to remind you of something. Remember that constitution you ingested while trying to pass the bar? Well, in case you haven’t noticed, it can be folded up like a paper airplane and flown across a courtroom any day of the week. And the end of this case may be Ms. Brown’s day, so fasten your seat belts. But if you want to gamble on the outcome, I believe this sham of a legal procession is missing a card. No, not the joker. The ubiquitous race card:

Just before her testimony concluded, [another Continental flight attendant, Maria] Johnson suggested race might have played a role because of remarks Victoria Osteen made about wanting to deal only with Johnson, who is white, and not with Brown or another flight attendant on the plane, who are black.

Would you look at that? We have a rich diva of privilege (who always as a group get the favor of the justice system), a smarmy lawyer, a well-known pastor and now in a fit of desperation for that paydayer, writ of justice, the race card. No wonder they call it “Texas Hold ‘Em”. Stay tuned.

I teach with a lot of charisma, that's all.

I teach with a lot of charisma, that's all.

With rock star status and an entourage in-tow, Wall of Famer John Freshwater returned to Mount Vernon, Ohio to plead his case. And quite a fan club was in attendance at the local middle school library:

Most [of the 500 people in attendance] stood clapping and cheering when John Freshwater walked to the lectern and tearfully defended his teaching record.

You see, for 24 years, this man has come to work, taught science and loved God daily. All the while, his trusty KJV was by his side and no one was the wiser. Suddenly – and apparently without provocation – he is suspended for having a Bible on his desk.

I throw up the prototypical HiScrivener “calls it likes I sees it” post and call B.S. against the ruling and await the ACLU to bait their breath. IMHO, this was a witch hunt against a Christian in a public school. No more, no less. Then, months later, we discover Freshwater has an affinity for branding his students like cattle. (Of course, I had a little editorial frivolity there, but never mind that right now).

To which, John Freshwater replies:

Freshwater denied ever branding a cross into a student’s arm, and he said he never taught creationism to his students. “I never taught anything in the classroom that was prohibited.”

Although pictures have flooded Flickr, Twitter, Google and any Ohio publication out there, Freshwater still maintains his innocence about the hot irons and proselytizing despite what’s on the school agenda.

Freshwater pointed out last night that his personnel file is solid and that he has a good record as a teacher. “In my personnel file — all 240 pages of it — I have no reprimands. It’s clean, it’s absolutely clean,” he said.

Hence, the mind trick. Get them thinking twice about what should have been considered once – is the rumor mill spinning aided by the ill winds of spite or the familiar ones of sanctimony. Who knows except, ironically, Freshwater and God.

Well, August 26 is coming, and so will the verdict of his suspension. On that day, this man will either be vindicated in a glorious fashion or what happens to this poor schlep aboard the Death Star could be the fate of John Freshwater: Young Jedi as he chokes on all that crow he has been flying for the past couple of months. We are praying, John. For what? I haven’t figured that one out yet:

I hope that spade gets stuck somewhere on ol' Neulan

Newly crowned Wall of Famer and surreptitious snake of the pulpit, Neulan Midkiff, gambled against that whole “reaping what you sow” business and hit the magic number – 21!

Good for you, Mr. Hoax Ordained Guy. [Yeah, we’ll just call him a HOG from now on]. 21 was indeed your number as a U.S. district court jury in Minneapolis, Minn. just found you GUILTY on all 21 counts of mail and wire fraud and tax evasion.

Kinda give you a new definition to “Judgment Day“, eh? Here’s why:

[The HOG] Midkiff, 66, got many of his friends and neighbors involved in an Atlanta company called Horizon Enterprise, which promised high returns on an overseas banking deal but was actually a pyramid scheme that took in as much as $390 million.

Offerings were scarce at his Shiloh Church in Forest Lake, so he decides to bleed his parishioners dry with a MLM scheme that positions Midkiff to be the new “Lord of the Rings”, as church members, staffers and EVEN FAMILY jumped through his rings of fire causing them to deplete college and life savings at the chance of a get rich quick scheme.

Now calmer heads prevailed as this charlatan was hauled into to court to face his accusers. One of them was Norman Tetrault, who gave Midkiff $45,000 of his own life savings.

“Well, he got what he deserved,” Tetrault said after learning of the verdict. “[He was] like Satan, playing tricks on people. But is he going to give all the money back? Someone has it.”

October 1 is sentencing day for this wolf in shepherd’s clothing, and quite honestly, I hope the court strips him buck naked of every shred of evidence he was ever a pastor. The solace to all those he swindled is that his judgment will far exceed that of the district court. Lest you not forget there’s a Great White Throne in his future. Maybe then he will learn what “homophonic” means.