Victoria’s Secret: Insincere apologies and alligator tears

Posted: August 13, 2008 in Above the Fold, Denominational Fun, Good for a Giggle, Keep it real, On Your Wall, Snap, Crackle and POP Culture, Spin Doctor
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Today’s excerpt from the wife of Joel Osteen and her saga, “As the Temper Burns,” we find the miscreant flight attendant Sharon Brown on the stand for more than six hours being harassed by the Osteen’s attorney with insightful repartee and assumed brow-beating.

The girl whose left boob was battered by Victoria Osteen’s razor sharp elbow admitted she called Lakewood Church a “cult” and described Joel Osteen as “the devil.” However, since she has arrived in court, a change of heart has ensued since last we read about these good times.

“I don’t believe they’re the devil,” Sharon Brown said near the end of her testimony on Tuesday.

Oh, that’s sweet. I suppose it clears your conscience to know this frivolous law suit is against God’s servant than a tool of Satan. Always good on the psyche. But now from the sublime to the ridiculous, enter the chamber Sharon Brown’s attorney, Reginald McKamie:

Outside the courtroom, Brown’s attorney, Reginald McKamie, said the alleged assault happened and that Brown is courageous for telling the truth about it. “Sharon Brown is my hero,” he said.

Sorry, I can’t hear you over the deafening cackling in the Houston courtroom. The jury is probably still choking on their food and passing gas because of uncontrollable laughter. Her? A hero? Because her protruding breast takes an uppercut from a Barbie doll preacher’s wife, she is the equivalent of the soldiers protecting us in the Middle East. Ah, those lawyers are great at hyperbole.

Later on in the heroine’s testimony, we learn Vicky admits she is full of kerfuffle:

After the confrontation, Brown said Osteen came close to her and shook a pair of sunglasses in her face. Brown considered that threatening. “She came up to me and she called me an angel,” Brown said. “She gave me this look up and down and said, ‘I guess you want me to apologize, but it won’t be sincere.‘ “

Stay classy, Vicky. Now that’s how you impersonate a preacher’s wife – show fake compassion, exhibit a fraudulent love for God and maybe make up some biblical references to show you fit the part. And then for your curtain call during the sky-high assault:

Under cross-examination, Brown testified she had been angry that a supervisor spoke with her and Osteen to get their versions of the incident. She said that Osteen lied, spoke in the voice of a “TV evangelistic” and cried fake tears. “I guess that was to close the show,” she said.

So because she didn’t get a “real apology”, Brown is suing the Osteens for a real retirement. Karma. Oh sorry, too Buddhist. Ah well, if you faith is that fake, what’s the difference.

  1. hiscrivener says:

    Thanks for the love and the shout, Mark.

    You know, you bring up a great point. More than 20 years ago, there was a show called “PTL” and that was the beginning of the end. Not only was did it earn that high acclaim because of the trend is began with the plummeting fall of its fetal-positioning leader; but also that began the “country club” appeal to the Church.

    If you are on TV, you are SOMEBODY! Your name is in lights and since “we” have been ostracized in Hollywood (you know, because Scientology already has squatters rights), then we need to invent our own social status.

    The problem is we are called SHEEP! Animals that don’t think, don’t reason, don’t move unless they are led to a trough. There are junkies in the Church that follow some fraudulent “revivalists” across the country [COUGH… BAM!… COUGH] yet neglect the membership of their own church. We need to educate our friends, free our members and renew the minds of the Church to have a relationship with Christ, not one a mad witch hunt for a religious experience.

  2. Wow. If I can forget that these are all real people, this cracks me up. You have a real knack for satire!

    But then I wonder what it would be like to get caught up in all of that.

    I’ve never read an Olsteen book. But I wonder if our churches haven’t created Olsteen and others like him by turning to celebrity culture for a leadership model. I guess it was all a matter of time.

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