Archive for August 27, 2008

No bones about it – HiScrivener is a raging independent.

I vociferously believe most Christians should classify themselves as such as to approach politics with a biblical point of view, as opposed to a heavily convoluted one aligned by partisan paraphernalia.

At least I know Jesus didn’t require the help of others to influence his decisions. Que non?

Make up your own mind and stand on the Bible, not your party’s shoulders! IJS.

Honestly, because if you can’t… then you would completely miss out on the side-splitting humor and utterly asinine thought process of how Barack Obama will flotsam and jetsam from Mount Olympus to earth and bless us – the minions, proletariat, serfs, all that will stand screaming for blood and offering a sacrifice to the DNC gods.

Too melodramatic? Nah, if you are a democrat with a sense of esteem, faith, Americana and um, taste, read this and weep from FOX News (and that’s because you couldn’t dig this story up on CNN… shocking.)

The field where the Denver Broncos play and where Obama will address a crowd of more than 70,000 people is now completely covered by a circular seating arrangement. And in the center, where Obama will be standing, is what appears to be a large structure that resembles the ancient Greek temple of the goddess Athena. Or maybe just the U.S. Capitol.

Remember all those bruits about the “Obamessiah” and the “Antichrist” and “Mr. Hollywood“? What in the name of Zeus to you call this set-up at Invesco Field? Greek columns? Senators wearing togas? Prepping audience chants before TV time? Is this an acceptance of presidential candidancy or the Clash of the Titans?

Seriously, what’s next for this off-off-off-off Broadway production? Etching a new Pantheon of gods for the DNC? Hrm, let’s see:

  • Zeus, the god of the universe – Guess who?
  • Ares, god of war – Joe Biden. He seems to be all they have for foreign relations.
  • Athena, goddess of wisdom – Hillary. Please, anyone see that speech last night? And what’s up with that tangerine pants suit. Anyone call Mr. Blackwell?
  • Apollo, god of prophecy – Bill. Ask any earnest Democrat. They all think he was an oracle.
  • Demeter, goddess of grain and fertility – Nancy Pelosi. No one spreads the “fertilizer” like she does.
  • Hades – Edward Kennedy. Nuff’ said.

Anywhoo… what else could this haughty pomp and circumstance shower, nomination celebration mean? I mean, since Obama has been wooing evangelicals much more than McCain, why not change his name to Constantine, be knighted by Bill Clinton as “Holy American Emperor” and rise to feed the Republicans to the lions. What exciting TV that would be… and even FOX would televise that. See? He’s already bridging the aisles. Nice.

This stunt is lunacy – truly. And anyone on Barack Obama’s team that has not advised him how stupid this is, should be impaled… you know, in the spirit of Rome (once the Visigoths got there). If he goes through with this, he deserves the onslaught of mud ready to be slinged in his direction. MEMO to the Obamaniacs: Your barbaric yawps are all about “CHANGE”. So here’s a news flash. CHANGE THE FRIGGIN’ STAGE!

So, $10 to the first dude at Invesco Field to rock like the great John Blutarsky (pictured) and start the chant “Toga, Toga, Toga!” Or better yet, get a cream pie, hurl it at someone and clamor “Food Fiiiiiiiiiiight!” Come on, it’s $10. That should pay for bail.

And I’ll bet considering the awesome mood John McCain is in after this story, he’ll probably spring for it. Good times!

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I know, I can hear some groans from here. But it’s worth it.

Now we have an answer to the age-old question, “What do Miss America and Mother Teresa have in common?” Anyone? Is it just me?

Well, now we know thanks to the BBC.

It appears some Italian priest wanted to hold the world’s first beauty contest for nuns. Yeah, that’s right, voluptous sisters in a habit shaking their moneymakers for world peace. How uh, sweet. Oh, it was canceled with the quickness, but it’s the thought that most certainly does NOT count.

“My [Antonio Rungi, priest and everyday guy] superiors were not happy. The local bishop was not happy, but they did not understand me either,” Father Rungi told Reuters news agency from the town of Mondragone, near Naples. “It was interpreted as more of a physical thing,” he said. “Now, no one is saying that nuns can’t be beautiful, but I was thinking about something more complete.”

So, Andy, how did you see this Miss Convalescence pageant going down? Lets see [cue harp music and remind Wall Watchers knowledge of patron saints would help make this amusing]:

  1. To kick off the show, these hot sisters would traipse on stage, “Hi, I’m Miss Saint Francis of Assisi and I’m no dog,” followed by “Hey, I’m Miss Saint Christopher of Naples. Come fly with me,” then comes “What’s shakin’? I’m Miss Saint Vitus of Istanbul and I have much, much more than a funny personality,” and perhaps even “Hello. I’m Miss Saint Thomas Aquinas. I’ll be your tutor (wink).”
  2. Next comes the highly contested talent portion of the show. Dog grooming, fine basketweaving, stomping on grapes and singing “Ave Maria” by half the contestants would be big players. The winner would probably be a sacred moment of intercessory prayer… oh, and she did it without breathing. Ta-dah!
  3. The bathing suit competition would be a little rough. I mean, how many times can you rock the cleavage in those get-ups?!
  4. Finally, we have the finalists with their questionnaires of “If you were the Pope…”

Sintillating television. Or actually, delectable Internet viewing – as Fr. Rungi would have it. Stay classy, Padre and keep using your PC for um, “how to get excommunicated” study group.

I think I even have a penchant for the witty. I’ve enjoyed satire from time to time. But even HiScrivener on his best day couldn’t make this crap up. So, I’ll just post the headline.

DATELINE: Ocala, Fla. (Don’t ask me. I don’t know either.)

HEADLINE: Man pulls knife at church for butter

No, he wasn’t being kind at a church buffet because some dear saint had the rolls. No, he didn’t just happen to have the only butter knife for the local get together. He just really had a hankering to lather up his biscuit and when no one cared for his request, dude developed the dreaded disease…

[Cue horror music… suspense implied… eerie winds blowing… sorority chics screaming in the woods]

BUTTER RAGE

The entire story is brief, hilarious AND TRUE, so enjoy! And, if you find yourself getting antsy when you near Country Crock in the grocery store, please seek professional counsel. I hear it’s contagious.

After Dubya’s first term, I knew 2008 would be a historic and unprecedented election.

Already were the musings of “Give ’em Hil 2008” and the possibilities of “Change” were on the horizon. However, there was one other monumental political by-product waiting to be made – evangelical Christians are not a mortal lock in the red states.

Recently, the Wall Street Journal penned an insightful editorial about that very issue: “GOP ties are no longer binding for evangelicals.”

For the first time in at least two presidential election cycles, the Republican Party can’t assume it has a complete lock on the evangelical vote, which makes up about a quarter of the electorate. President George W. Bush received 78% of the bloc in his 2004 re-election campaign. Polls show that about a third of these white Protestants are either undecided or planning to vote Democratic or independent this November.

Why? That’s easy. It has nothing to do with abortion either. It’s about the well-being of people, the caretaking of the impoverished, the disenfranchised, the destitute… you know, the target demo of the Democratic Party.

Jesus said, “Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me” (Matthew 25:45). Archetypically, when you think of a “Republican”, the word “least” is usually not an adjective that comes up in conversation. Ah, there’s the rub.

Evangelicals are missionaries. They are involved deep in their communities. They are aware of the plights of man. And… they see vehement Democrats taking up those issues and Republicans argue about other things. Those social issues penetrate mankind NOW.

Candidates, parties, political hacks and dunce pundits alike, huddle up for the times they are a-changin’.

You have to meet people at the point of their need, and odds are if your need is choosing which furniture would look best in your corner office, you aren’t interested in the least of these. Evangelicals are torn, and are up for grabs. Case in point? Hear it from the voice of the National Association of Evangelicals:

Richard Cizik, vice president of the National Association of Evangelicals, estimates that as many as 40% of evangelicals are “open to being persuaded” to vote for the Democratic Party, in part because of missions. A longtime Republican, he says he voted for Sen. Obama in the Virginia primary. He hasn’t made his decision about November yet.

Whoops.

Listen folks, no one gives a [choose your expletive if you must] about your altruistic 10-year plan. You won’t even be in office in 10 years, so imagine your credibility tanking at the State of the Union. Elections should not be about party, but about the people. If you aren’t for the “least of these” NOW, THIS MOMENT, you may not just lose our approval, you may lose our vote.