Oh God! Jesse Jackson, what are you doing with those scissors?

And this news story couldn’t happen to a better, more well-meaning, bashful, contrite, selfless person than Jesse Jackson.

What happened? Well, he was caught – on camera (or in this adoring picture) – talking out of both sides of his face… you know, again.

Getting nice with his scrapbooking talents, eh?

Yeah, Jesse. Your political career is officially over, but you couldn’t be happy for another brother? Considering the wide and long trail you have already blazed, why not consider yourself the person whom others follow? Why not think of yourself as a ‘Moses’ anointing, rather than trying to crush Barack on TV for being a ‘Joshua’ (Oh, sorry… that name is copywritten. Next?)

Instead, you walked outside of your house (or the baby mama’s house, whichever) and noticed something horrifying. No spotlight. No cameras. No attention. So, given all the attention Obama is getting for the faith-based talk, you throw your name in the ring. The national media were caught baying at the moon waiting for another voice to speak out… and like clockwork, you show up. This time, they got you sharing insight about Barack Obama, and the gold they mined could score another rush to the hills of California.

Sorry, I’m ranting and your jonesin’ for the link. Go here for the video, and here for some more print.

You see, it’s obvious you are jealous. Granted, you had a real shot at the Oval Office, but the country just wasn’t ready for history. Now they are… and your 15 minutes are almost up. What you have done for civil rights is unmatched by most of the people that have walked this earth, but stick to what you know and correcting rhetoric isn’t it, eh, Mr. Hymietown?

Ladies and gentlemen, the curtain has been thrown wide open and we can now the aged wizard for who he really is today. An old curmudgeon with a storied past who wishes those old sparks could be rekindled. But alas, there’s a new sheriff in town… and no one is talking about deputizing you, brutha.

MEMO to Mr. Burns… eh, Jackson: You have a title and it’s been almost two decades since you used it – REVEREND. You got close with the ‘Jena 6’, but then you went back to the well and that political mojo you had working is like a cheap hair tonic – you get hot, and unless you keep applying the junk, it runs all over your face and you look like a fool.

You aren’t alone to believe Obama is “talking down” to blacks. His message needs to be more inclusive. Look at the drivel he is spoon-feeding Christians. Now, that’s equal opportunity and a cause a former Reverend should fight for. But where are you, Jesse? Quit looking for a caucus and begin reconsidering the power of your pulpit behind a cause. The Church could you use your mouth… er, mind right about now.

Hey Christian Fish: See ya’ in court

Well, I knew it was too good to be true.

You post something that shows true equality for the Body of Christ, and someone gets curt, offended and just saucy.

And here it is… those South Carolina license plates that read, “I believe” may not happen after all because some folk not really appreciate proselytizing doing 75 MPH in a school zone.

They claim the Christian themed license plate — stating “I believe” and bearing a cross and a stained glass window — gives preferential treatment by the government to one faith.

You have to laugh. Some people in this world [COUGH…founding members of the ACLU…COUGH] are so harrowing toward God because of some unfortunate incident in Sunday school that they have made it their life’s mission to ensure no one gets to play Jesus kickball either.

So, I suppose all those “Love your dog” plates I see staring back at me in the HOV lane is because of some PETA-respecting member of Congress?! What about the college fanfare plates? You gonna gripe that the NCAA is taking over the world? Seriously, what’s next people? I never thought I could get road rage sitting down in front of a computer, but it just happened.

Well, South Carolina Christians, in the stoic words of that noted urban philosopher, Chuck D, “Fight the Power!” Plaster your bumpers with ichthuses (or would that be ‘ichthi’), bumper stickers and the phone number of your local church. That’ll fix ’em.

Satanist’s children may have to get some religion

You have to appreciate oxymorons and irony, you know? I have heard some funny ones. My Top 5 are:

1. Why is there braille dots on an ATM
2. Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word, and has no working abbreviation
3. Ever notice a boxing ring is square
4. If it’s a lethal injection, why sterilize the needle
5. Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

Well, here’s another that is causing a legal precedent. Meet Jamie Meyer – a regular guy in a sticky divorce.

Why? Jamie here a couple of years ago decided to see a burnt light bulb instead of the light and become a card-carrying member of the Church of Satan. Maybe, he bought all black clothing and began wearing ‘guy-liner’ and his wife got terse.

Whatever the reason, she is now fighting for obligatory ‘half’, legal custody of the kids (who wouldn’t with this guy) and one interesting amendment – he must be legally forced to allow his daughters to go to a Christian church.

This is worth cracking open a package of Jiffy Pop. Imagine this guy. He’s so bent against God, he does a 180 and leaves dust on his way to the dusty altar of Anton Szandor LaVey. Gets some sinister ink on his leg with an upside-down cross and brags about it to his family. Now, his wife has had enough with his Halloween party act and is going to make him watch Jesus bless his children. Genius. Lady, that’s what I call revenge.

Get this quote though from an authority in that other church:

“Satanism is the world’s first carnal religion,” said Peter Gilmore, high priest of the Manhattan-based organization founded four decades ago. “Satanists are thus atheists—not devil worshipers—and we see Satan as being a symbol of pride, liberty and individualism, not a deity.”

So dude is an atheist; yet, you belong to the Church of Satan. God hates evil, many verses in the Bible discuss a real Mephistopheles; yet, he’s just a symbol. Hey Pete, you may want to check under your collar because Anton sacrilegiously wrote something called “The 9 Satanic Statements.” I’d like to call your attention (and that of James) to #9:

Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as he has kept it in business all these years.

Um, remember that adoration of oxymoronic irony? Enter Exhibit A. How can “he” not exist now? I thought you were an atheist? And if this statement is so true, then why fight it be claiming the prince of the power of the air is just an “idea.” It seems you may not be sure what you are doing in church, but if this Fulton County judge has his way, those girls sure will, and James gets a ringside seat. Maybe that’s a good thing.

I suppose that’s why you never see psychics winning the lottery. They’re probably lying to themselves too.