Archive for July 12, 2008

This, dear Wall watchers, is a prime example of the debate, “What’s the difference between religion and relationship as it pertains to Jesus.”

Meet Senator Webster Cook. (Um, Senator is not his first name, it’s a political distinction on campus. Odd, huh?)

He’s a student at the University of Central Florida, minding his own business, going to his local campus Catholic church when he was apparently accosted for not consuming communion.

Yeah, that’s what I thought as well. Instead of doing what you normally do during this sacramental act, he meanders up to the altar and wants to take the wafer back to his seat for show and tell. So, what’s the problem?

“When I received the Eucharist, my intention was to bring it back to my seat to show [my friend],” Cook said. “I took about three steps from the woman distributing the Eucharist and someone grabbed the inside of my elbow and blocked the path in front of me. At that point I put it in my mouth so they’d leave me alone and I went back to my seat and I removed it from my mouth.”

A church leader was watching, confronted Cook and tried to recover the sacred bread. Cook said she crossed the line and that’s why he brought it home with him.”She came up behind me, grabbed my wrist with her right hand, with her left hand grabbed my fingers and was trying to pry them open to get the Eucharist out of my hand,” Cook said, adding she wouldn’t immediately take her hands off him despite several requests.

Over a thin, flimsy wafer received during communion? Did you know this stuff comes with its own police force?! Well, here’s why:

Devout and orthodox followers of the Catholic Church believe communion is close to godliness. It is sacred, and an act not to be taken lightly (so shame on this dude for that… but that’s it). Nonetheless, they believe STRONGLY in a figment of the Papacy’s imagination [well, literally of Ignatius of Antioch, ironically, a student of the Apostle Paul] called “Transubstantiation,” which basically means the Eucharist wafer placed in your hand or on your tongue literally changes into the body and blood of Christ when consumed.

Hence, the headline of the story. Catchy, huh?

So, because this immature dude would rather keep the Eucharist in a plastic bag rather than eat it, the elders of this Catholic church doesn’t feel the need to teach him about a relationship with Christ, how to live with God and be led of the Holy Spirit. Instead, they want to bust him upside the back of head until he turns it over, much like cops would during a real kidnapping. Don’t believe me? Listen to the priest of the Orlando church:

“It is hurtful,” said Father Migeul Gonzalez with the Diocese. “Imagine if they kidnapped somebody and you make a plea for that individual to please return that loved one to the family.”

ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Is there any wonder why this country is so spiritually inept? This has nothing to do with the atoning work of the cross and redemption of Jesus. This is about a ritualistic brainwash tactic that creates Gestapo units out of priests and the night of the living dead out of Catholic patrons over a millimeter thin piece of bread!

No wonder folk can’t stand organized religion. There’s no organization. This is O.C.D.!

AND to add to the fun, Cook has received DEATH THREATS for holding this innocent piece of bread hostage. His life over a life that was apparently already given so this conversation could be had in the first place? Hmmm…

Carol Brinati with the Diocese of Orlando said the Catholic community was “concerned about the possible desecration of the Eucharist,” and pleaded for its safe return.

OK, Sister Melodrama. Why not call SWAT and beg for a tactical unit to storm his 400 square-foot dorm room in search for the ziploc bag? Don’t stop there. Call the Coast Guard because you never know, Florida does have a lot of water and he could have flushed it. And even if he did, the bread could probably swim to safety anyway.

One last thing, MEMO to the misguided souls in this church: JESUS SAID, “Do this in remembrance of me.” What part of this inane story do you believe was done while thinking of who Jesus is?! Jesus, people! It’s about Jesus not the doo-dads and novelties surrounding a church service. Go to church, yes. But most of those pew warmers need to go to God first!

A ‘Homo’-what? Look here, HiScrivener, is that some new cellular technology debuted at a Gay Pride Parade or something? Now, now, don’t get your pink feathered boa all twisted. This isn’t a Ted Haggard story or anything.

Meet Neulan Midkiff, founder and destroyer of the Shiloh Family Church in Forest Lake, Minn.

You see, when his church members kept calling him “Prophet”, he took it seriously. The problem is this tool was hooked on phonics, thought they were speaking “PROFIT” on his life and proceeded to fleece his own sheep to the tune of $30 MILLION!

[FYI – Homophone [homuh-fohn, hoh-muh] n. – a word pronounced the same as another but differing in meaning, whether spelled the same way or not, as heir and air.]

OOOOOOOH. I know. I know. Back to the news…

So, there’s this incredulous excuse of a man, who wants to stand in line for the ‘Hell Express’, thought it would be easy money to tell the dense folk in his church about some shrewd investments. Turns out Midkiff was a drug mule of sorts – well, more like the chief @$$ – in that he would get his people, family and friends in one of the nation’s largest pyramid scams unwittingly.

Oh, he knew it, and that’s why he was the king of bling:

Midkiff used his gains to buy a $1.3 million home, a Lincoln Navigator, a Mercedes Benz, a boat and a motorhome, Rank said. Much of that property, including the church, has been frozen by the Securities Exchange Commission.

Yet, not one person in his inner circle team or even members asked questions. And now:

Midkiff is charged with 16 counts of wire and mail fraud, money laundering and for failing to file or pay taxes on more than $3 million earned in the scam, which lasted from April 2004 to December 2005.

Throughout this entire Jesus charade this tool was playing, perhaps the most telling aspect of why people in the Church are called ‘sheep’ (seriously, one of the dumbest animals on the planet… but also one of the most loyal in need of a leader, which is the example Jesus was aiming for) is this:

Donna Midkiff [wife of Neuland, the crook in the story] held the title of “Prophetess of the Feast” at the church.

Ain’t that the truth. What a feast they had as the couple chewed on the savings of hundreds. Well, enjoy prison. Both of you will make great girlfriends.