Archive for July 31, 2008

Meet Anthony Hopkins.

No, not this one seen in the most noted mug shot of Hollywood history. This one is the real life version from Mobile, Ala. who is doleful excuse of a man, horrific example of a preacher and just a basic waste of space.

Here’s his story:

A small-time evangelist was arrested during a church service Monday after police found a body in his freezer believed to be his wife, a mother of eight.

What?! Initially, let me applaud FOX News for the slight, a “small time evangelist” is indeed fitting. And now for what he did while cloaked as one of the sheep.

He was a male person who donated sperm to eight children ranging in ages 3 to 19 (because calling him a “father” is too much of a complement). Eight!

He was called “Rev.” because he was usually storing his familyer, the people that lived with him into his minivan. Then a relative who reported years of sexual abuse sparked an investigation that led the cops to a church he was preaching about – wait for it – FORGIVENESS! And then BOOM goes the dynamite!

“They run in, and they had their guns out,” pastor Beverly Jackson told “I didn’t know what was going on. I though it was the alarm system had gone off.”

Dolts like this temerarious schlemiel commit heinous crimes daily. Whether it’s selling enough sniff to a group of middle-school kids to alert the border patrol or your garden variety menace serial killer, just be out in the open about it and wait for the “Law & Order” to stomp a mudhole in you and walk it dry.

Why hide? Oh yeah, because they are born to be cowards.

It’s like that scene in “New Jack City” where Nino Brown holds up a little girl to deflect gunfire. That’s what Mr. Hopkins did here, only he hid behind a cleric outfit and a make-believe calling. During the day, he proselytizing about Jesus, but at night he’s plotting for Satan.

There is a parable about a tree and its fruit that I’m certain Brother “Going to Hell” missed out on, so I’d like to abbreviate before he gets rolled up in prison and will be treated to the extent of the Golden Rule he gave his wife and kids.

Simply put when comparing preachers to trees, Jesus said, “By their fruit you will recognize them.” Wall watchers and those of you just browsing, when someone says, “I love Jesus,” do one thing – wait awhile. When you hang around that person looking for fresh strawberries, and nothing but prickly durian comes out of those seeds, you’ll know.

The scent makes your eyes water, your tongue swells up the size of a bologna stick when you taste what they are driveling and being around them hurts like… well, hell.

If my stomach turns reading this story, I can’t imagine what God must think. Pray for those kids, Wall Watchers. Aside from losing their mother, which is utterly tragic enough, now they have to deal with someone that said they loved Jesus did this. Yeah, there’s a special place in Hades for you, dude. Hope you’re a smoker. If not, you will be.

I once heard a preacher say, “Some things you can’t move away from. Sin is a freeloader, it has no address.”

Well, you wouldn’t think Satan had the small community of Roselle, Ill. on his GPS unit, but evidently he does and that’s where we meet Rev. John Regan of St. Walter’s Parish.

Wait a minute… Peter… Paul… Thomas… Francis of Assisi… but, Walter?! Yeah, he’s got a canon to his credit too. Anywhoo…

Rev. here was placed on the ubiquitous “administrative leave” for allegedly “misappropriating $112,000 in church cash to fund a gambling habit, a spokesman said Wednesday.”

The only way you “misappropriate” that kind of scratch is win your horse didn’t come in, or you just became the proud new owner of a sleek Lamborghini. Regretfully, it was the former that bit him.

“Financial records indicate that a clear majority of the misappropriation is related to gambling, indicating an apparent gambling addiction,” [spokesman for the Catholic Diocese of Joliet] Delaney reported in a statement. “Father Regan has already begun therapy in relation to that addiction.”

It’s unknown what’s going to happen to Father Stickyfingers, but one thing is for certain – he best get his job back considering all of the priests still off the unemployment line (never mind in the jail house) from all their “alleged” altar boy mishaps.

For a guy that just experienced what he has, the man has found some bold and strident ways to get cathartic. First, he preaches in his church the first Sunday back after the devastating news.

And now this introspective editorial, as seen in the Christian Post. It’s worth the read.

My favorite quote:

By questioning God’s goodness and love, I am in essence saying that I know more about it than He does. The fact is, God doesn’t become good because that’s my opinion of Him, or because I happen to personally agree with His actions or His words. Nor does He become good because we vote on it and all agree that is the case.

Man, if I lived anywhere close to this guy’s church, I would burn up a pew… and all that opinion has taken place in the past week. What a vessel of God’s grace. Live on, Greg.