Posts Tagged ‘irony’

I know. I know. I never thought the economy would get so bad that this headline would ever be necessary. I always Jesus rocked the finest of tunics and got his hair groomed by celebrity stylists but it’s true according CNN’s Belief Blog:

George Horn allegedly broke into the St. John the Baptist Catholic Church on the night of June 26. Fort Lauderdale police say the 48-year-old suspect broke a window to enter the church, took a crucifix from the church’s altar and then used it to pry open a donation box.

What kind of sick and deranged fool do you have to be to use a crucifix to steal… from a church! Let’s find out:

That's a theft in progress. And yes, that's a crucifix in his hands.

Courtesy: Fort Lauderdale PD

There’s a theft in progress. That’s candid camera. And yes, that’s the Son of God in his clammy hands.

This guy is jonesin’ to go to hell. He has to be. Why else would you take that as your “Crowbar of record”?! Sure, this guy must have been a crackhead, but I can stumble across a homeless man, say the name of Jesus and get a civil response.

Not Rosemary’s Baby here. Oh no. He’s got life all figured out.

According to WPLC 10 in Fort Lauderdale, the guy was prying his way into a losing situation (Thanks, I’m here all week):

“It’s almost an act of desperation,” the Rev. James Daly, a visiting priest, told Local 10’s Janine Stanwood… Daly said the man first went for the two donation boxes located at each end of the church. Daly said people leave what they can in those boxes for the poor. They are locked and not always checked on a regular basis.

Daly said the burglar then walked toward a prayer area where candles are lined above.”Then he came up here where the bigger money would be. But there’s no bigger money because there’s nobody here in the summertime,” he said.

Here’s the ironic thing of the whole CSI case: The suspect, who was caught on surveillance video, cut himself at some point, leaving a large amount of blood behind, police said.

Anyone see the divine sense of humor in that?

Giving at church has been about as flat as, well… attendance in church since the bottom dropped on the national economy. However, when God is alive in your heart, quit is nothing more than a dirty four-letter word.

Just ask Archbishop Dorian Baxter who holds church services in a Royal Canadian Legion Hall as a notable Rock and Roll singer. (Shout out to another brick on the Wall, Bene D the Canuck).

Baxter knew the secret to driving attendance into his hallowed halls – a certified gimmick.

Welcome to Blue Suede Pews (Source: Jim Wilkes | Toronto Star)

And he found one in the most obvious of places – his mirror.

It seems this raven-coiffed, seemingly half-baked son of the 60s shares an obtuse and no-way-close resemblance to a young man named Elvis.

At least that’s what his friends say, but who am I to argue?

I’m sure he gets slammed enough with that shingling he’s rocking around his ears.

Baxter, who also performs as impersonator Elvis Priestley, is quick to point out, the main reason they assemble in the Spartan surroundings of the Royal Canadian Legion hall is to praise God. “We honour Elvis’s commitment to the Lord,” said Baxter, 59… “Like Elvis, the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, we worship Jesus, the King of Kings.”

Church is free and I would pay money to see that tomfoolery.

What’s next? A Christmas message proclaiming when there was no room at the Inn, Mary went to the “Heartbreak Hotel” instead? How about testifying to the omnipresence of God? You’ll never have to cry out “Are You Lonesome Tonight?”

Evidently, the Elvis dedication hour got him in hot holy water with the Bishopric as Baxter was removed from his original parish in 1998. I know what some of you cynical Wall Watchers are thinking, “At least he has a career in Vegas at the local chapel.” Not according to the Anglican parish, he was stripped of his right to perform marriages. How daftly ironic is that?!

Despite the irony and impersonations, Baxter forged ahead glorifying God while sporting his mutton chops and pompadour when he formed the – wait for it – Christ the King, Graceland Independent Anglican Church in 2003.

Obviously, someone is being more than amused by this stage show – it’s more of a blessing. Baxter is exalting God by toasting a peanut butter and banana sammich. Who would have thunk it?

Baxter’s church sponsors a breakfast program, Christmas hampers and 92 orphans. He said he thinks Elvis would have liked that. He’s also made peace with the main body of the Anglican Church, but has rejected offers to rejoin it.

Ah well, God’s word never returns unto him void, we read in Isaiah 55:11. Or would that be “Return to Sender,” I can’t remember.

Life does have absolutes, contrary to what most Darwinian scientists, Atheistic sluggards and U.S. politicians believe.

Those would include:

  • Jesus is alive
  • Oxygen helps us breathe
  • Water can make you drown
  • The economy sucks and…
  • Paula & Randy White are convinced they are one Jheri Curl short of being black

Those absolutes make us comfortable, and the last one makes us laugh… a little.

Well, that last one is about to get blown back to 1609 as the justice system is ready to show how white the “you had best slap your neighbor’s weave” posse really is.

According to the St. Petersburg Times, Brandon White – son of the megachurch pastoral divorced couple – is being sued by a young black man named Joshua Brian Randolph who says he was called the “N-word” in several e-mails.

As proof, Randolph, 24, provided the Times with e-mails sent from Yahoo and Gmail accounts.

Yeah, we all think she's pretty foolish as well.

Yeah, we all think she's pretty foolish as well.

Now, this is not a theosophical stand-off on Randy and Paula White’s ability to fill a stadium, milk a scripture, offend a brother or sister, mislead the throngs and get a divorce. (What? I say something wrong?)

However, seriously, Joshua?

You don’t think young pubescent Brandon, who I’ll bet you a crisp dollar wears his pants around his knees, can’t put on a baseball cap the right way and slurs his way through a sentence you couldn’t diagram with a GPS unit, wasn’t just taking a little luxury with you?!

This is a kid who grew up hearing “Hey girl” and “That’s my ***ga'” more times than Richard Pryor’s and Eddie Murphy’s kids put together. So, of course, when he befriends an African-American, he probably thought it was a rite of passage to call said African-American every name in the book once considered extremely offensive and fuel to bigotry.

And so, he gets on his Yahoo! and Gmail account and begins to put cocaine pinky nail… er, finger to keyboard and write what he thinks.

Unfortunately, dude was a couple of consonants off from being hip and now he is the target of a lawsuit.

Irony at its best.

But wait, there’s more… if it’s a story about Paula White, you know there’s a catch.

Barry Cohen, the attorney representing the church, said Wednesday he has proof that Randolph has a history of impersonating others via fake e-mail accounts and telephone numbers, beginning with retired NBA player and coach Avery Johnson. Someone claiming to be Johnson told the church that Randolph would travel to Tampa as his representative to help with a youth ministry at Without Walls.

Let’s get this straight – we have a Vanilla Ice wannabe with a silver spoon throttled down his gullet, a youth minister at Without Walls there on furlough who may be a huge, lying sack and arguably said aspiring Caucasian rapper getting carried away with the “He ain’t heavy, he’s my b-r-u-t-h-a”. How do I know?

Randolph says he was at the church for just a few days before having a run-in with Brandon White over use of a church vehicle. He says he heard White make several offensive and racist jokes, and that he later got e-mails using the N-word five times.

Those jokes were probably dude’s way of trying to fit in and get a high-five. What a twit. Anywhoo…

This is one ridiculous lawsuit, and although I’m certain Brandon didn’t help matters thinking he was Nino Brown and all, Randolph is the one who will come out of this looking oh so stupid. He already does.

Here’s how the story ends:

Randolph said he spoke to the president of the local chapter of the NAACP, Carolyn Collins. He said she would be there.

When reached by phone Wednesday, Collins said she was not aware of the lawsuit or any news conference. She said she would have to be notified if anyone representing the NAACP was scheduled to appear.

She had not heard anything.

The White’s have little to no reputation outside of the mute-deaf-dumb circles they run round-and-round in. They are divorced. They lost one of their churches due to debt and not paying the bills. They are considered by some to be fraudulent purveyors in the pulpit. They are pep rally artists, not preachers. And… as if that wasn’t bad enough… they have bad haircuts. (Mix in a trip to Sport Clips or something).

In other words, they are going to bring it despite the inane musings of their son, Paul Mooney Jr., because they have nothing else to lose.

Joshua Randolph, if that really is your name, I’m afraid you yanked on the wrong Jheri Curl because you are one polygraph away having something slap you back.

Thanks to WOW News’ Dan Gilgoff of U.S. News’ “God & Country” fame, we have an interesting Gallup poll result that shows the most supportive and non-supportive religious groups of the BarackStar.

As much as the election cycle hit COGIC churches causing many pastors of the community to drool feverishly like Cujo, you would Protestants would skyrocket to the top of list. Nope.

Evidently, all this ballyhoo about socializeder, universal health care and offering every banking institution in this country a golden parachuteer, part of the stimulus package, it seems Jews heart the president.

Gallup Jews love the president

You do understand the irony here? Right?

President Obama isn’t the most “pro-Israeli” commander-in-chief. No, nothing about the whole “Hussein” thing; it’s his policy. Recently, in his United Nations’ speech, he declared, “Israel has been occupying the Palestinian State since 1967.”

While his ratings were glowing on Al-Jazzera TV, I’m sure there were a few Jews in this country – and their country – that weren’t too entirely thrilled to hear that mess.

Lots of American Jews, according to pollsters, tend to vote Democratic as seen in Florida and Pennsylvania last year. Notwithstanding that, this number has plummeted from 83 percent in January.

It seems all that shmoozing for Iranian favor has a few Jews… well, calling bupkes.

The moral of this poll? Anyone can fake it for a few months but after a while, even those you lie with begin to demand an explanation.

Imagine you are warming a pew, the band was on this particular Sunday and you are expecting a nice message from the “Mand of Gawd.”

And then it happens – a moment to make you forget you were in a church and back in the club. No, not that saint in the choir you have been watching too closely. It was something the pastor said:

“We hate (the n-word),” joked [Rev. Jim] Lee while using the actual racial slur. “I would say I don’t eat them either.”

n-wordAccording to this story in the Detroit News, Rev. Jim Lee of Renaissance Unity church decided to rock one of the most offensive words ever more than 30 times in a recent message.

The topic of said sermonette? “Love thy neighbor.”

Yeah, because I want to love on my neighbor in the name of the Lord, I crush terms of endearment from the Civil War era.

Why not, for sake of an illustrated message you dimwit, call your elders the “house Ns” and the lay persons “field Ns.”

“It was design…I knew it would get a reaction,” Lee told the Detroit News.

Well, he’s getting alright and most of those visceral rants have been from fellow brothers.

“He’s using the wrong format. The pulpit is the wrong format to use hate words and that is a hate word,” said Jim Netter, a western Wayne County resident who is African-American. “I’m disappointed.”

To wit, I completely agree.

Use the pulpit to make a point, drive a topic and create an issue for discussion, but “brother”, this is Motown, the same place where the NAACP “buried” the very word you are promulgating like it’s a handout at a local charity.

I don’t know, maybe this just rubbed me wrong but what the hell is this guy thinking?

“Love thy neighbor”? And he delivers one of those words that creates memories from centuries past of doing exactly the opposite.

I don’t have a whimsical ending for this story, but suffice to say, I have another “N-word” for this guy. And I can use it in a message title as well.

“Just say NO.”