Archive for July 14, 2008

Strange.

Every time I see a duo of Stepford boys, matching so swell in that posh black poly blend slacks and tie combo, white short-sleeve button down, polished shoes fresh from a military footbox, hair smeared in Dippity-do – and of course, the tell-all matching mountain bikes and backpacks – I always think, “Man, if I was a girl, I would so get those digits!”

Just me? Anyone? Ladies?

Well, 6th-generation Mormon Chad Hardy did. And he got a size 10 footprint on his khakis to show for it (otherwise known as ‘excommunication’).

”I felt like I spoke my truth,” the 31-year-old entertainment entrepreneur said. ”Bottom-line, they still felt the calendar is inappropriate and not the image that the church wants to have.”

Seriously? It’s not like the Mormon Church couldn’t use the publicity with the settling FLDS (and alarmingly fashion-conscious) imbroglio, but what do I know.

The calendar, aptly titled “Men on a Mission,” have sold 10,000 copies at $15 per. Nice. And to think, he took those shots while avoiding the blanket white holy underwear in the picture. Good on ya’ Chad. I hear there’s a church in New Jersey that needs help with fund raising. Enjoy the job market. It’s a tough one.

So, there’s this guy in Italy on the prowl for some tomfoolery, but instead of harming personal property or causing bodily harm to someone, he has a better idea.

In his warped mind, this idea is genius because it will not only be forgiven by God – but actually be appreciated by him as well.

You see, homeboy here decides to dawn clerical garb, impersonate a priest, go to St. Peter’s Basilica and listen to confessionals.

WHAT?!

Dude! Knock off the liquor store where the Cardinals gets communion wine. Throw hay pennies in the offering plate. Slash the tires in the Popemobile. ANYTHING but this. Although the practice of confessionals is little skewed theologically and adversely affects the reason Jesus went to Calvary in the first place, this is holy ground.

Really. Take your shoes off and tread slowly – that kind of sacred foundation you just tap danced all over. You are inside the Holy See and for grins, you steal that time away from some old lady confessing she stole money from her daughter’s purse.

Oh man. Well, I hope you get very familiar with those 108 beads in your dusty rosary because you will be stroking those for a very long time after you confess this one… to you know, whoever.

$2.5 MILLION, to be exact.

Evidently, Matt Lincoln’s back hasn’t gotten any better and he has decided to put an amount on the non-catch prayer he received in a Tennessee church a few months back.

Shortly after the story came out, we posted it on the Wall and knew this was going to be a rude awakening about order during faith healing services.

Well, ka-ching. Now get this:

He says he was asking God to have “a real experience” while praying. Lincoln says he has fallen from the force of the spirit before but has always been caught by someone. Lawyers for the church say other congregants saw him on the floor laughing after his fall. They say he failed to look out for his own safety.

If you know anything about revival services or faith healing, this completely sounds like a man that was sincere and not one of those quacks that pours bottled water on a grocery store tile floor and uh, ‘slips’. He was “laughing” and looking for “a real experience”. This is not language from a man set out to make a farce of God.

This man wanted a touch from God. Unfortunately, in this litigious society, the other cheek is rarely turned – unless it’s in the direction of a good lawyer’s office. Matt found one and – thanks to the touch he didn’t get – he’s got a case. Churches are prime targets for mishaps and criminal action. We [the Church] have to stay two steps ahead of the enemy, folks. Otherwise, we will just get trampled.

MEMO to faith-healing churches: Get your ‘catchers’ to a minor league baseball park and clinic pronto to teach just that – CATCHING.