Apocalypse Watch: The Q Dog is raking in the dividends

Daylight come and me wanna go home

Eschatologists and new-age kooks alike, mark your calendars!

According to Mayans everywhere (and this popular brick noted on the Wall), 2012 is going to be a grand year of transition.

It’s not because of another presidential election when radio stations across the country can begin playing “Send in the Clowns.”

No, it’s because of this pictured quarter-man, quarter-wily bird, quarter-slimy snake and quarter-rabid mythological creature Quetzalcoatl.

This “thing” is scheduled to return in four years to slither on his throne during the Winter Solstice.

Someone warn Santa! Well, evidently a bunch of tools on the “naughty list” convened in San Francisco [insert your own joke here] to discuss 12-21-12, the last day of the Mayan calendar and the return of “what’s his name”.

In these times of economic distress, participants shelled out $300 each to attend the sold-out 2012 Conference, where astrologers, UFO fans, shamans and New Age entrepreneurs of every stripe presented their dreams and dreads in two days of lectures, group meditations, documentaries and, of course, self-promotion.

Anyone notice what’s missing from this multi-level marketing scam cloaked in turkey feathers, voodoo dolls, witches’ brew and aliens? Besides the common sense to spend your money on something more worthwhile in this economy, like gas or electricity?! CHRISTIANS!

People are so hungry to get one step closer to a deity – any deity – they are willing to believe anything to get there. Pick your prophet: Cultish frauds, Nostradamus and even wild barnyard animals… well, kinda. And now, just guys are becoming experts on the new dawn of the dead.

Take Jay Weidner, whose firm – Sacred Mysteries – has sponsored four more of these overhyped and eternally damnable events in the next six months. Seriously? You got four years to go before you are shown to be a fraud. Pace yourself. Anywhoo, on with the quote.

“The greatest crisis in human history is unfolding all around us. It’s not the end of this world, but it’s the end of this age,” he likes to say. “To survive the 21st century, we’re going to have to become a sustainable world — people should want to know how to pound a nail, milk a cow and grow their own food.”

Uh, yeah. About that? There’s this religious and philosophical group known for hanging out in New England villages who could probably do a lot better at teaching this tricks of Ye Ole trade than some metrosexual dolt in pressed jeans and a bedazzled button-down shirt teaching about freakish mammals.

Ah well, while I am serving the Lord and worshiping Jesus, I’ll be praying someone in the Bay Area calls Animal Control. It may save folk some money… and sanity.

Flames of hell put out by Canadian firefighter

Meet Jim Brayshaw, a lifelong Canuck, firefighter, apparent universalist and now budding theologian and novelist?!

Evidently, when you are surrounded by snow 24/7 in Saskatoon, Canada, there’s not much fire to fight so a guy has got to find something to do with his free time. Some cook, others grow vegetables.

Not Jim. Nooooo. He has written a 500-page diatribe that expresses, well… here:

The idea of a fallen angel who rules an afterworld in hell is a manmade construct, Brayshaw argues in his book, Satan: Christianity’s Other God Vol. I: Legend, Myth, Lore or Lie.

This loose-fitting ideology would be different if it was a five-page pamphlet, but this is a manifesto!

Dude has much angst against the fire and brimstone proselytizing. What’s funny is he sounds like he is convinced about his new found faith. I wonder if there is a local Vicar who could slap some demonology his way:

“Satan was invented so man had someone other than God or himself to blame evil on,” he said recently. “I was ambivalent at the outset when I considered writing this book. I realized I can’t write it as a diatribe against Christianity because I know and love a lot of Christian people and have learned so much from the Christianity I was involved in my whole life.

But?! 500 pages later, we have the newest theological rant proving the liquidation of Christianity thanks to the abhorrent lack of conviction and sin awareness in today’s pulpits.

That sound you hear is Carlton Pearson giggling and singing, “I’ve got a feeling…” Um, fellas, wait until rapture. Things may not be alright.