Archive for November 26, 2008

If you have nothing to do today while waiting for the clock to hit 3 – or whenever (and ifever) you get to bolt early today for the Thanksgiving holidays – then I have someting for your viewing pleasure.

Three letters: TBN. Otherwise known as a lot of things, but I have always been fond of “The Good Ol’ Boys Network.”

OK, full objective disclosure: What this network has done for countless of millions around the world is nothing short of remarkable. Many people can’t go to a church. Others won’t. But they all have a remote, and many of those have been saved, healed and delivered because of some various and sundry show captured on the air. Despite the news and appearance, Jesus is being blessed through these airwaves.

That said (yeah, yeah, you knew a detour was coming), it’s incontrovertible proof that God can be used and honored despite the inconceivable actions of his children. There are some jackleg fools on this network, and most of them could give a vile of holy water less about you. The real vociferous ones are usually caught shelling for “Praise-A-Thon,” the network’s cavalcade of pimpser, stars who sop up so much twisted theology that they need a Shamwow to take care of the damage!

Case in point, the title message of this post thanks to some masonry from “Slaughtering the Sheep“:

Rod Parsley. Where was “Jerry Maguire” when you started this message of numerology, eschatology and etymology. Lawd have mercy! Next, thanks to some masonry from another “Another Brick in the Wall” I’m Speaking Truth:

Benny Hinn. Diggin’ the Nehru brother, and that embroidery, suh-wheat! If I want to hear a message on blessings, I may have to consult another, but hey, if I want to hear the sacrosanct version of “Old McDonald had a Blinged Out Farm,” I know who to ask. Ee-I-Ee-I-HO!

Jamal Harrison-Bryant. “Broke with expensive tastes”?! I don’t call that positioned for biblical greatness. I call that megalomaniacal and not that responsible in this economy. But hey, thanks to you Big Pimpin’, folk going to go to bed with some Advil PM and wake up quitting their job. Nice, as long they keep your Web site address, right?

And lastly, thanks to another fave and brick, “Independent Conservative“:

Clarence E. McClendon. A man who divorced his wife via facsimile, staved racism and left his church so he could get his groove back with his assistant in the Bahamas or some such. (True story). And now, The Good Ol’ Boys see it fit that you should be the clarion pimp extraordinaire in this piece. Don’t believe me? See his perm? ‘Nuff said.

Wall Watchers, a question: At what cost to the Body of Christ are these fools permitted allowances to propagate their vitriol and aspersions because they have the cash and the cameras? It’s shameful. Heck, I know many pastors – MANY – without a camera who could run circles ’round some of these guys, and have the sterling reputation to boot.

My prayer is that despite them, the lost can still be found and turned away like a bunch of stray cats. At what cost? Maybe we should ask Paul Crouch after the “Preys-a-Thon” (as another brick in the Wall, MaxDaddy calls it) to determine what cost it takes.

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It turns out there is a reason why Thomas Weeks and his sorry excuse for a reality show has never really gotten off the ground on the air – fool has no money!

And now we witness how the mighty nasty have fallen, thanks to this story from Atlanta’s WSB TV. It turns out the man who began his 15 minutes by making Juanita Bynum’s face a pinata, has been turned out himself and booted into the street – bow tie and all. Nice.

Sheriff’s deputies carried out the eviction while a church convocation was in progress at Weeks’ Global Destiny Ministries, with congregation members by his side [editor’s license].

“They have been told to leave the property,” said Stacey Bourbonnais, with the Gwinnett County Sheriff’s Office. “We will secure the building, inventory the property, then sell up to the judgment amount.” Documents filed in state court in Gwinnett County showed Weeks and the church owe $511,842 to the owners of the buildings.

I’m sorry. Did you say this dolt owes the state half-a-million dollars?! Meanwhile, he touts fiscal responsibility to God?! But in a particular typical and slimy fashion, Weeks has a spin for this debacle and a source to blame:

We’re not the only church going through this financial situation,” Weeks said. “At one point, it cost $450,000 a month to run the operation. We resized it to about $110,000 monthly,” he said. “We had several pledges coming in the next couple of days and unfortunately they didn’t arrive so we could go ahead and pay the last of what we needed to pay to stop the process,” he said.

I’m sorry. The sounds of this nation sobbing drowning out your pleas of pity. Did you say all of this mess was someone else’s fault and the fact your pledges didn’t come in? Well, that’s uh, sweet.

And if you didn’t get your fill of laughter from this bow-tied twit, we have this masonry on the Wall, and Exhibit B from appreciated blog of HiScrivener’s, “Character Corner“:

If you have studied the Bible for any amount of time – or read this dude’s cyber musings –  you know there are a few exotic and striking stories that don’t really speak to devotion of God, but rather “these are the days of their lives.”

But since they are in the Bible, the condemnatory finger of an atheistic and paganistic public gets pointed in our direction. And Christians are left explaining religion through the fodder of sundry tales. Such as:

  • Genesis 30:37-39. Cloning, well in a paint-by-numbers kinda way.
  • Matthew 21:18-20. Jesus using powers for not-so-good. You know, because we all get a little persnickety when we don’t have breakfast.
  • 1 Samuel 18:20-30. Murder via Circumcision. Because when you are trying to get a hot woman’s attention, who the heck needs flowers?!
  • Genesis 38:1-10. Sperm banking and spillage. Masturbation isn’t good, but not using every bit to impregnate one’s sister-in-law is even worse. Good to the last drop, the ad-slogan says.
  • Leviticus 20. Law & Order before TV. Just pick one of the Levitical Laws to bemuse. You die if: you are a female sorcerer (the first fight for women’s suffrage), you get buck wild with a… well, a buck, you marry both a mother and her daughter (as if that wouldn’t be punishment enough), and of course having sex during that “special time of the month” is not good.

terror-textsThere are many not-so-boffo stories in the Bible as well, which is where this disturbing story from Yahoo! News by way of Iowa college takes us.

This place of higher education in Orange City, Iowa has decided a perfunctory role for its students’ path is to take six stories of cannibalism, rape and others heinous acts found elsewhere in the Old Testament and act them out in a play called “Terror Texts“… wait for it… A MUSICAL! What the…

Imagine the theatrics: Actors decked out in Goth attire, a rock band and a mosh pit. Oh, and the Bible.

“We believe we have discovered something that has been lying dormant for many, many centuries,” said Barker, who created and directs Terror Texts… “I was looking for terror text, stories I can say are thematically tied together because they are frightening and mysterious and terrifying,” Barker said. “That’s part of what we’re saying with this whole project that life and God himself are mysteries.

Well, yeah. I guess. But I prefer to believe those “acts” are people being people. If you want a play about God being God, give a Passion Play a try. Or watch “The Passion of the Christ.” Now, that’s entertainment and reality TV all rolled into one – without the ear-bleeding soundtrack.

Remember Chad Hardy?

No? Well, the LDS Church sure does. He was that snarky yet adventrous entrepreneur from Las Vegas with six generations of allegiance stored up for the Mormons; however, he thought it to be a good idea to make a missionary beefcake calendar.

Well, long (and amusing) story short, some of the elders at “Supplement to the Bible Central” considered the calendar promoting a “Few Good Men” sacrilege and proceeded to excommunicate his tail from the church.

mormon-family-crossingAnd to best illustrate the cultic owens of the LDS church, Chad Hardy was attending Brigham Young University (Mormon U.) and now – according to the Salt Lake Tribune – his kick in the pants made him ineligible for graduation.

In a letter sent Friday to the office of Norman Finlinson, executive director of BYU’s Student, Academic and Advisement Services, Salt Lake City attorney Stephen C. Clark demanded the school award the diploma or hold a formal appeals process, which Hardy never had. Failing to give Hardy a fair hearing could prompt legal action, Clark’s letter said.

Ya’ think? But where is that ‘fair hearing’ going to take place? Provo? Hyde Park? Brigham City? Because that freakish school is not going to let Chad be given a fair trial. Why? Because this will be cast in front of a jury of his “peers”.

You know, all of them wearing holy skivvies, reading a fake Bible, believing what “God know is, man can become” and having no clue of the fate that awaits them if they don’t get their craper, theology straight. Yeah, those peers.

Dude has an affinity for time and dates, trying to get a college degree and a bunch of curmudgeons seal his fate because they aren’t fond of Chad’s idea of business development. Ah well, maybe he can transfer to the University of Utah. Now, that’s irony at its finest if you know anything about college football.