Posts Tagged ‘aliens’

Whether this is a story about an unfortunate typo, a case of someone using big words without knowing the meaning or keeping angst all bottled up, this is yet another story in a series of giggles against the Mormon church.

Thousands of issues of Brigham Young University’s student newspaper were pulled from newsstands because a front-page photo caption misidentified leaders of the Mormon church as apostates instead of apostles.

Whoops!

For those not in the know, like our fun-loving, collegiate, fat-fingered student, an apostate is someone who has forsaken religion… you know, sort of like cult leaders who surreptitiously portray a walk with God while wishing to go to another planet and have heavenly fun babies.

Ironic, the name of the BYU student newspaper is “The Daily Universe.” Nice.

The paper noted in the BYU rag was about the “Quorum of the Twelve Apostles,” which is a governing body in the LDS Wonder World. Evidently – as the legend goes –  she hit F7, spellcheck recommended the unfortunate flub and he accepted.

The typo was an honest mistake, said Carri Jenkins, spokeswoman for church-owned BYU. She said most of the 18,000 copies of the student paper were retrieved Monday morning and replaced with 10,000 corrected copies later in the day. “This is extremely rare,” she said. “The focus today has been how and why the error occurred and what we can do to make sure that this does not happen again.”

spell-check-its-impotentSo, most of the papers were retrieved?! What did the Mormons do? Saddle up in SWAT gear and go from classroom to classroom packing heat looking for the renegade papers?

I’d love to see them throw some of that Prop 8 money on eBay for the rest… because that is definitely where they are going.

And I suppose the IT department of BYU are a united front to rid their precious university of the demonic Microsoft spellchecks. One dusky-hued evening, a bunch of dorks with pocket protectors and sacred Fruit of the Looms scurry to the computer labs and hack into the systems to remove all words that are considered anti-Mormon.

And while the nerd patrol is on a roll, they may want to suit up and visit the Psychology lab and beat the crap out of all those pesk Freudians who perpertrate their superego thinking, which probably doesn’t coincide with the Pearl of Great Price.

Hey, BYU? Big Brother called, and he really wants his computer back. He went to Mac, but the F7 key isn’t working that great.

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Look! Up in the sky. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s… it’s… ah, who knows?!

And that’s largely the problem in Austin, Texas, as seen in this CNN story. On a quiet day, folk going out for a jog and this fireball appears and comes crashing to earth. No, it wasn’t Superman, so what was it?!

Sonic booms and at least one fireball in the sky were reported in Texas on Sunday, less than a week after two satellites collided in space and a day after the Federal Aviation Administration asked U.S. pilots to watch for “falling space debris,” authorities said.

Check the video:

To this day, no debris has been found and no explanations have been made.

I’m not saying E.T. got tired of phoning home and came back looking for El-e-ot. But it did get me thinking about another incident that will be reported someday when the clouds part and the trump sounds.

How will the news react to the rapture? What coverage will take place? And who are the poor reporters who will be left to cover it?

Jesus is coming back. The rapture is real. And the questions will abound when reality slaps them in the face and the sound of Wynton Marsalis blows out their eardrums. Church, we still have work to do.

Well, kind of a survey, according to Yahoo…

Instead of it being a “national poll”, it was 3,000 dorks fresh out of a Sci-Fi convention. Instead of this being a global representation of religion, it was a remote, dank section of Manchester.

alien-jesusBut for what it’s worth, Britain’s Daily Mail cheeky marketing survey to promote the puerile X-Files movie got enough love to go on the Wall. So, good on ya’.

That said, the poll of 3,000 people found that 58 percent believe in the supernatural, including paranormal encounters, while 54 percent believe God exists. Women were more likely than men to believe in the supernatural and were also more likely to visit a medium.

Well, I have an example for the latter: Oprah! Next?

So, what’s the deal with these 3,000 dolts who think E.T. is more viable with faith than J.C.? I just don’t get it. There has never been proof about life on Mars, and century-old debates about life in heaven, yet slimy invertebrates are slightly more realistic?!

Ooooo K. Anyone from the story provide a talking point?

“While it is difficult to know for certain, the tendency to believe in the paranormal appears to be there from the beginning,” said Christopher Bader, a Baylor University sociologist. “What changes is the content of the paranormal. For example, very few people believe in faeries and elves these days. But as belief in faeries faded, other beliefs, such as belief in UFOs, emerged to take their place.

I suppose that makes sense. While most of the Church doesn’t seem to grasp personal evangelism like back in the day, we always have TBN to fall back on, right? Anyone? Is this thing on?

Daylight come and me wanna go home

Daylight come and me wanna go home

Eschatologists and new-age kooks alike, mark your calendars!

According to Mayans everywhere (and this popular brick noted on the Wall), 2012 is going to be a grand year of transition.

It’s not because of another presidential election when radio stations across the country can begin playing “Send in the Clowns.”

No, it’s because of this pictured quarter-man, quarter-wily bird, quarter-slimy snake and quarter-rabid mythological creature Quetzalcoatl.

This “thing” is scheduled to return in four years to slither on his throne during the Winter Solstice.

Someone warn Santa! Well, evidently a bunch of tools on the “naughty list” convened in San Francisco [insert your own joke here] to discuss 12-21-12, the last day of the Mayan calendar and the return of “what’s his name”.

In these times of economic distress, participants shelled out $300 each to attend the sold-out 2012 Conference, where astrologers, UFO fans, shamans and New Age entrepreneurs of every stripe presented their dreams and dreads in two days of lectures, group meditations, documentaries and, of course, self-promotion.

Anyone notice what’s missing from this multi-level marketing scam cloaked in turkey feathers, voodoo dolls, witches’ brew and aliens? Besides the common sense to spend your money on something more worthwhile in this economy, like gas or electricity?! CHRISTIANS!

People are so hungry to get one step closer to a deity – any deity – they are willing to believe anything to get there. Pick your prophet: Cultish frauds, Nostradamus and even wild barnyard animals… well, kinda. And now, just guys are becoming experts on the new dawn of the dead.

Take Jay Weidner, whose firm – Sacred Mysteries – has sponsored four more of these overhyped and eternally damnable events in the next six months. Seriously? You got four years to go before you are shown to be a fraud. Pace yourself. Anywhoo, on with the quote.

“The greatest crisis in human history is unfolding all around us. It’s not the end of this world, but it’s the end of this age,” he likes to say. “To survive the 21st century, we’re going to have to become a sustainable world — people should want to know how to pound a nail, milk a cow and grow their own food.”

Uh, yeah. About that? There’s this religious and philosophical group known for hanging out in New England villages who could probably do a lot better at teaching this tricks of Ye Ole trade than some metrosexual dolt in pressed jeans and a bedazzled button-down shirt teaching about freakish mammals.

Ah well, while I am serving the Lord and worshiping Jesus, I’ll be praying someone in the Bay Area calls Animal Control. It may save folk some money… and sanity.

Adam and SteveSo, the Pope has finally issued his press release about the state of California’s remarkable overturn of its 61% voter-approved gay marriage ban. In it, was a phrase that caught my obscured attention:

“The union of love, based on matrimony between a man and a woman, which makes up the family, represents a good for all society that can not be substituted by, confused with, or compared to other types of unions,” he said.

So far, so good, Pontiff…

The pope also spoke of the inalienable rights of the traditional family, “founded on matrimony between a man and a woman, to be the natural cradle of human life”.

Awww, he had me right until the end. You see, that word “in-alien-able” holds new meaning with Cardinal Ratzinger thanks largely to this post and story… what’s next? An extended family to include E.T., Predator, Alien Mother and maybe the robot from ‘Lost in Space’? Good times at Thanksgiving, that’s for sure.