Archive for November 13, 2008

You know, I was just telling my Fair Lady what this world needs is a 70s revival. Huge concerts, great music, protest mentality… and of course, all that sex!

I mean with the “Free Love Movement” spreading like a flu in New England in the heart of winter, who wouldn’t dig that and feel a “Purple Haze” (or at least scratch the fool out of one in that most special area of yours).

Uh yeah. That, or some other reason noted in this story

Uh yeah. That, or another reason noted in this story

Well, gasp and swoon, I got the vapors! Thanks to Ed Young, Jr., founder of uber megachurch Fellowship Church in Grapevine, Texas, the 70s are coming back. The pastor, while sitting on a bed in front of his church body, challenged the couples to have a boink-fest all week long.

In these days of financial crisis, rampant divorce and debates over same-sex marriage, it’s time, he says, to turn the “whining” into “whoopee.” More fundamentally, he adds, the embracing of sex is about nurturing and strengthening marriages. “Sex is like Super Glue. It’s a spiritual thing, an emotional thing,” he says.

Man, with one liners like that, no wonder he has written so many books. All of this muddled in a sermon entitled, “Leaving Lust Vegas.” Seriously?! Sage wisdom there, Ed.

Meanwhile, somewhere among the 20,000+ parishoners is a mom and dad sitting in church with their daughter and son-in-law. That had to be some classic conversation at Luby’s Cafeteria… [cue harp music]

So, honey, what did you think of pastor’s message?

I thought it was like, soooo cool. I mean, I have been wanting to get my groove on lately but Jeff has been tied up in legal cases. Dad, what about you?

Well, it’s been about 20 years since your brother and you went to college. So, I guess your mother and I are due for a week-long tryst.

So, break out the leisure suits, perms (for men), mood rings and the 8-track player, Jesus freaks and nymphos alike. Ah, the times they are a’changing indeed.

Oh, and this is rich, his attempt to clear his acne is now considered a “national healthwatch segment”. Well, it does burn the calories and helps the heart.

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Typically, in small churches especially, when pastor raises an offering for a big church expense, folk want to see where the money went… their money. Can you blame them? It’s an investment and nothing says commitment to a church like my duckets spent in good form.

what-not-to-do-in-churchSo, when pastor Chad Thomas from Joplin, Mizzou. spent two bills on the new church sign, he thought it was a wise investment.

You know, folk could see it from the street, know about his house of worship and delight in the fact there is a “First Baptist C-H-R-U-C-H” in town.

Yeah, about that, fire your secretary. Since she is the one who let that slide BEFORE it went to the marquee manufacturer.

“My secretary was gone that day and I’m not much of a speller — it’s my fault,” he says. “I signed off on the final copy.”

What happened? Some 4th grader fresh from school mentioned during Wednesday night Bible study, “Mommy, I think the pastor needs to pray for spelling.”

And then, from this BAD flub – oh let’s make no mistake, dude is a few fries short of a happy meal – Pastor Chad got jiggy with it. When life gives you lemons, you get hooked on phonics.

The church launched an “RU Ready?” campaign in newspapers and billboards, playing off the misspelled word “Chruch.” The ads read, “RU ready to attend a great church? At First Baptist Chruch you don’t have to be perfect, because neither are we!”

Well, at least he owned that “crummy church sign” (Shout out to a HiScrivener fave). Nice. Good on ya’ Pastor.

jesus-toastYou know, it’s the middle of the month and payday is here.

Which is a good thing because I need to go grocery shopping and – thanks to this story from Pompano Beach, Fla. – I can get my Willy Wonka on, find some Wonder bread and search for that “golden loaf.”

Call me inspired, but what else do you expect when this surf boy, Troy Eckonen, masticates his breakfast and discovers JESUS IN HIS FRENCH TOAST!

And his last piece, no less.

Good thing Troy stopped to belch up all that syrup because we would have been cheated out of a sighting this month, Wall Watchers. And that would been a travesty, but then again, next month is December so you know we will check out Jesus hanging out in the mall, winter parks and Christmas tree displays.

The ironic thing is that ‘Toast Jesus’ is missing his abdomen because Troy just about devoured the syrup-covered Savior. Somewhere, the Pope, those crashing at the Vatican and uber-devout Roman Catholics are complaining about transubstantiation – and we know how sticky that argument can get.

Good times this coming Sunday at mass.