Apocalypse Watch: It’s gonna be a “bang-up” time in Arkansas churches

A couple of weeks ago, we ruminated about some fresh paint on the Wall surrounding a possibility of Arkansas law makers permitting pastors and parishioners to pack heat in church. Well, what was just a story has now been upgraded to DEFCON 4 and placed on “Apocalypse Watch.”

Why? The law actually passed the Arkansas House. Good times in Redneck Nation!

House Bill 1237, the church-guns bill, won approval on a 57-42 vote. The bill by Rep. Beverly Pyle, R-Cedarville, would amend state law to remove churches and other places of worship from the list of places where people with permits are not allowed to carry guns. “Due to many shootings that have happened in our churches across our nation, it is time we changed our concealed handgun law to allow law-abiding citizens of the state of Arkansas the right to defend themselves and others should a situation happen in one of our churches,” Pyle told House members.

Pastor, get the parking lot mini-skree. We have a problem.

Not to mention, the other non-law-abiding citizens who think crashing a praise party while smoking caps everywhere is a good idea.

I said it once, but I suppose my larynx hasn’t been abused enough for the Arkansas State Congress to hear me, so here goes: “Is this ever a good idea?” Believe me, whatever side of the political fence you are on, having a carry and conceal license is always a good idea… but in a church?!

Let’s see what some flag-waving, eagle-flying-overhead representative from the home of Wal-Mart has to pontificate:

“Having guns in church will not stop some lunatic from coming into your building and shooting somebody,” Breedlove said. “Ronald Reagan was completely surrounded by armed guards, but he was still shot. That is why we must put our faith in God and not in something else.”

Well, not that some scorned ex-boyfriend will need a sniper scope to pop his former squeeze sitting in the choir loft, but thanks for the patriotic analogy nonetheless.

I get it, “Faith without works is dead.” You can’t just sit on your blessed assurance if you are unemployed and expect God’s provision to drop a six-figure gig in your lap. Ed McMahon doesn’t travel house-to-house with that sweepstakes any more. You have put your faith in action.

Similarly, you can’t walk into a gun fight with a set of nunchakus because you think you got Bruce Lee’s game. It’s not a fair fight. BAM! You’re pushing up daisies. But how will this law help anything?

Can you imagine a revival service and the Holy Spirit shows up? [Cue harp music]

Folk start running the aisles, pastor gets an anointing for the people. Suddenly, one of the catchers trips leaving the pastor with the bad back to catch “Big Mama.” He tries, breaks a hip and off goes his 9 MM resting in the bosom of his pocket, without the safety.

Puh-lease. You don’t think this will be an episode on TBN? Wait until a live church service and see what happens.

The Bible and the Presidents who use them

WOW News and the UK’s Times Online Madame Bess Twiston Davies pens routine enshrined epiphanies on the Bible and sanctimonious satire that often makes you think and smirk all at the same time.

But this one inspired from the BarackStar’s inaugural oath made my history pants go crazy. This is grandiose, and quite useless, information.

So, if you are half the antiquity dork that I am, enjoy these facts to be heard extolled from the great Alex Trebek on a TV near you soon. Thanks for this transcript, Bess. Who knew?

1. The Bible used by George Washington was printed in London in 1767, bound in maroon Morrocan leather and finished with silver clasps. It was later used by Warren G Harding (Baptist), in 1921, Dwight D. Eisenhower in 1953 and in 1989 by George W. Bush (an Episcopalian).

2. Lyndon Baines Johnson took the oath of office on November 22, 1963 on board an Air Force One airplane using the Catholic missal found in the desk of the just-assassinated John F. Kennedy. At his 1965 inauguration Johnson’s wife held the Bible as her husband took the oath, the first time a first lady had done so.

3. Two-handers: Some presidents have used two Bibles to take the oath of Office: Richard Nixon (in office 1969-1974); Dwight G. Eisenhower (1953-1961) George Bush Snr (1989-1993).

4. Harry Truman (1945 – 1953) was the last president to kiss the Bible after taking the oath of office.

5. Family affair: Ronald Reagan (1981-1989) used his mother Nelle’s Bible. Bill Clinton (1993-2001) used the Bible which had belonged to Edith Cassidy, his maternal grandmother.

6. John Quincy Adams (1825-9) refused to use a Bible to take the oath of office in 1825. He thought it too sacred for use in politics, so instead swore the oath with his hand upon a law book containing America’s Constitution. Theodore Roosevelt, a member of the Dutch Reformed Church, also shunned the Bible when taking in 1901 his first Oath of Office. But he did use it on starting his second term as president in 1905.

7. William McKinley (1897-1901) used a Bible given him by the congregation at his Methodist Church to take his oath in 1897.

8. Franklin Pierce (1853-57) an Episcopalian did use a Bible to take office in 1853, but rather than swearing an oath he made a statement of affirmation.

9. Closed book: Presidents Truman, Kennedy, and Bush Jnr kept the Bible firmly shut during their swearing in to office. It is customary for the incoming president to select a favourite verse, usually a psalm of proverb.

Pope vows not to be outdone by the President

Barack Obama is certainly the president of the 21st century with his mastery – well, actually the computer dorks he hired working in their mama’s garage – of the Internet, specifically social media.

From blogs to YouTube, if you were online, you got pinged about the BarackStar’s whirlwind tour about the man who would be king… I mean, the Antichrist… er, Diety… um, president. Whew!

Since he has been elected, he hasn’t missed a beat. Dude has given the White House Web site a much needed face lift, chin tuck and ear flap. And, he is still rocking his hand held video camera too.

Some presidents have all the luck, and the pontiffs just get the raw end of the scepter. Well, not Pope Benedict XVI! He dawns his red shoes from the Wizard of Oz and humming, “Whatever he can, I can do better” as he commissions his own band of brothers to develop the Papal Channel on YouTube. Take that, Mr. President!

The Vatican launched a video channel on YouTube that will feature news coverage of Pope Benedict XVI and major Vatican events. It marked the start of the Vatican strategic vision of working “to be present wherever people are,” said Archbishop Claudio Celli, head of the Pontifical Council for Social Communications.

You know, I heard you already had one up on the man once dubbed “Obamessiah“. Pope B16, if you are serious about “being present wherever people are,” you may want to direct the bajillion members of the Roman Catholic Church about the Holy Spirit!

You remember that guy? Third member of the Trinity? Big player with the omnipresence?

Just because more than 80 percent of the folk to whom you offer a Eucharist base their priest searches on last rites and house calls doesn’t mean they can’t operate a video player online. So kudos to ya for that one.

Now, that you need something to do, the Pope gets to star in his own film, minus the “Bow-chica-wow-wow” music.  And guess what, Catholic sports fans? He even “is aware” he’s on candid camera.

By creating its own channel on YouTube, which boasts 70 million viewers a month, the Vatican is seeking to give people the opportunity to access information about the Pope and the Vatican from a regular and trustworthy source, said Father Lombardi. He said Pope Benedict “was personally informed about the project and sees it as a positive step” forward for the Church.

Let’s see… the man rolls out of bed and gets some fresh air daily hanging out of St. Peter’s Basilica, has to scratch his toukas in front of the world and some tourist clips that righteous itch on his iPhone and all the world wonders if Il Papa needs some Preparation H.

Forget the evangelism. Ignore the universalism. Spare me the altruism. That was your inspiration for keeping up with the Joneses… er, the Obamas.

New Poll: Blacks have more fun in church. Ya’ think?

So, there’s this new poll the Pew Forum developed that is about as soothsaying as a press release advising Christians that the Pope is Catholic, Billy Graham is really Baptist and those funny looking hats Rabbis wear really aren’t frisbees, coasters or pasties.

The grandiose discovery? Black people are more religious than the rest of the U.S. population.

“While the U.S. is generally considered a highly religious nation, African-Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole, including level of affiliation with a religion, attendance at religious services, frequency of prayer and religion’s importance in life,” the report says.

“Oh please, HiScrivener. White folks are uber-sanctimonious. And have been to a Catholic church in the barrio lately?” Listen, I get that, but I double-dog dare you to do this…

Walk up to any crackhead. I’m not talking potentially homeless and panhandling. I’m talking crusty lips, ashy-mouthed, looking to borrow a TV to sell for a dimebag of rock crackhead. Then… talk about Jesus, and watch what happens.

They sit up and instantaneously – as if prodded by a TV camera at some pulpit pimp’s megachurch that I won’t waste space discussing here… at least now – and begin extolling the praises of God.

Now I could get into a long sociological and ontological discussion as to why religion seems to stick to blacks more, as opposed to any other race… and I really could… but I won’t.

Suffice to say, while white folk were um, burning up the town, there were other folk who had nothing but Jesus. Including, you know, freedom. Anywhoo… here are some highlights:

• 79 percent of blacks say religion is important. No let’s get this straight. “Say” is the operative word because some of those same “I love the Lawd” folk will also cuss you out in a minute and drink you under the table. Amazing how conviction works, eh?
• While 39 percent of all other folk attend church weekly, 53 percent say the same. Heck, some people I know go to “ch-uuch” three or four times a week.
• 2/3 of blacks oppose gay marriage, while less than 50 percent of whites agree. And in other news, 93 percent of blacks voted for Obama and chucked the whole “gay marriage” thingy out the window despite those pesky convictions.

I have another highlight not found in the poll, and it shouldn’t be a surprising statistic in the slightest:

• 100 percent of Republicans will buy this poll in its entirety to figure some novel strategies for outreach, growth and scrapbook parties in say, four years. I’m just saying.

GOBAMA: Meet the kid running the White House Faith-Based Office

A good ol’ dunderhead. Sitting on his blessed assurance during 9-11. Katrina and FEMA. WMDs. The lowest presidential approval rating since… well, no one.

George W. Bush has some atramentous tarnishing on his resume, but among the few lustrous offerings is the Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives, which he created in 2001.

Talk about a real cross-roads

He is a man of faith, and despite persnickety folk complaining about their unalienable rights being infringed because they are some rigid transexual who vows allegiance to Satan but complained to the ACLU they didn’t get a job at some megachurch they really wanted (What. Ever.), this was a mark of greatness.

It’s main focus was to increase and make available funding to religious groups that offer social services of all kinds – job training, after school, prisoner re-entry, drug treatment – and was fairly successful at doing that.

Now, enters the BarackStar. And fresh off his bajillion promises to maintain a sense of dogma and sanctity in the White House, he kept this important office, kinda.

1. Now, it’s named the Office of Faith-Based & Neighborhood Partnerships. Semantics?
2. In order to tackle the church/state hullabaloo, Obama’s troupe is arranging a government/neighborhood alliance. Yeah, unlike the general political environment we enjoy called “Democracy” (even though this is a Republic).
3. And – here’s the story – he hired a nubile 26-year old Pentecostal preacher from Massachusetts named Joshua DuBois to oversee the whole kit and kaboodle.

DuBois’s appointment to run the White House Office of Faith Based and Neighborhood Partnerships — first reported by the New York Times — is the first sign of a new direction for the office, which partners with faith groups on social service issues and helps advise them on applying for federal funding.

And there’s the rub.

He’s not having – nor is his boss – the aforementioned transexual being unemployed, namely if it’s because that church he… um, she… uh, it wanted to “really contribute to” and didn’t offer up a gig. So, the qualms of the unrighteous and apathetic instantly become the voices of evangelicals everywhere.

Here’s to praying they make the right decisions. But, if you’re interested in a hint, note the official listing of “Federal Agencies and Commissions” on the new, improved and quite swank White House Web site.

“Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships”? Nowhere on the page. Stay classy, Rev. DuBois. Make us all proud.