Archive for February 19, 2009

Every once in a while, we are privileged (and extremely miffed) to hear a story that makes us thing, “I told ya’ so.”

This story from WOW News’ WND is just that story about the BarackStar and his growing deity.

I know, he’s not really. However, we first were introduced to him during the presidential campaign as the “Messiah“. Next, noted eschatologists took it upon themselves to uh, prove that he wasn’t the Antichrist.

News has been serene about “God-Obama” sightings since he was elected into office.

He didn’t turn water into wine at one of many inaugural balls. No one has fainted during one of his stimulus talk appearances, and he didn’t have to raise them from their innoculated state. And although he is persecuted daily, there’s no rumor of his plight back to the community taking a detour on the Via Dolorosa.

Possible foreshadowing to his presidential library

Possible foreshadowing to his presidential library

But all that tweeting birds, sunshine on my face stops with this oddball sighting at a local library not near you:

A bookstore in Texas has sparked some comments – and criticisms – for having displayed a number of books about Barack and Michelle Obama under a “Religion” sign in the children’s section of its facility.

Me thinks I know the political affiliation of the store manager. Hrm.

Now, I don’t want to drop names of the book store, but let’s just say this story “BORDERS” on the inane. (Too much?)

So, a spokesperson from this anonymous bookstore got some nasty voice mails and issued this statement:

“We are a completely politically neutral organization,” [Ann Roman] said. “As you can imagine we carry every political perspective, authors from both parties. What happened here is those books were for kids and they were put under an overarching sign. Our team did not mean to imply an inappropriate classification.”

Someone may not have meant to imply anything, but here’s a thought. Anyone at Borderer, this bookstore have a house? Would you let an interior decorator even put a friggin’ lamp in the wrong place? Uh, no.

So while your organization didn’t mean to imply this strange obsession with presidential stigmata, someone in this store did mean to make a statement. Where would I file that? Religion or ridiculous?

Car lots are closing. Sales are in the toilet. And the dolts who run the car companies are standing outside Capitol Hill with dark sunglasses and a coffee mug hoping for dimes or quarters to take back to Detroit.

So, it makes complete sense what Jesus did in Tampa Bay recently to inspire the dunderheads at one car lot.

“Sometimes it gets so crazy that faith is all you’ve got left,” said Chip Davis, who runs a paintless dent removal service that services Jarrett. Davis immediately noticed the anomaly and identified it as the central figure of Christianity.

It's bigfoot. It's an oil slick. It's time to get a new door.

It's bigfoot. It's an oil slick. It's time to get a new door.

Yeah, the smudge on the door dude swears is the Shroud of Turin is why this made the news, and kept the God Sighting streak alive and well. Mazel Tov.

However, unlike most sacrosanct sightings where the line is a mile long and just a wide, people are playing musical opinions with this deified door.

It looks a little bit like Sasquatch,” piped up Ruth Johnson from the receptionist desk. James Bauman Jr., who was getting an oil change, described it as “Christ in a Jedi outfit,” then as a “Persian king.” He then said there was probably significance in the stain, just as there is in Barack Obama being president and Israel’s conflict with Hamas.

Sasquatch? Jesus Skywalker? Really?

Oh, dear Lord. If I could make this stuff up, I would be a copywriter for SNL or something. But alas, I sit here in complete anonymity just enjoying this stuff from afar. Joy to the world, indeed.

Meet Gloria Jones, a devout Pentecostal (like UPC Crystal Gayle hair) and an apparent habitue of Gloria Steinem.

You know the type? Burning the bra. Men suck. Refusing to wear deodorant… er, lipstick. Well, it’s all obvious because this UPC She-Ra won won a religious discrimination suit against her employer, the Washington (D.C.) Metropolitan Area Transit Authority. Why? She wanted to rock the denim, floor-length skirt and whistle while she worked.

A Pentecostal woman who refused to wear pants as part of her bus driver uniform has prompted the region’s transit system to implement new policies to accommodate employees’ religious practices. Jones met the qualifications for the position; however, she declined to wear the pants required for the uniform because of her Apostolic Pentecostal faith. She made a verbal request to be allowed to wear a skirt, and Metro terminated her application.

upcNow, the UPC takes legalism to a whole new level. But we’ll get to that in a minute. For her troubles, and this is a bad economy so come on, she got paid:

On Tuesday, the U.S. Department of Justice announced a settlement between Jones and the transit agency, which agreed to pay her more than $47,000, according to the Associated Press. The agency also agreed to pay $2,500 to two others who said Metro didn’t accommodate their beliefs.

47 LARGE?! For what? Because homegirl didn’t get the gig? Maybe this could have been a blessing in disguise. Perhaps modeling was around the corner? Who knows. Whatever the reason, they just didn’t understand you. So, let’s try, shall we?

They have a oneness theology, and if you were baptized in “the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost,” we’ll see you in hell. No really. Among the other legalistic extremes are:

  • If men are mustachioed, they’ll take a hacksaw to his lip
  • If women cut their hair… even the dreaded split ends, ladies… it’s curtains in the Church
  • Neither gender can wear sleeves above the elbows. So, UPC churches aren’t a big player near the equator.
  • TV is not allowed (Note the picture). Not because they are Amish, but rather the tube is a pipeline from hell into the home. Nice.

These are the hallowed “Holiness Standards”. Huzzah!

Ladies, claim all the scriptures and twist them until you make pretzels, but here’s a prophecy: If the barn needs painting, paint the sucker! But hey, you got $47,000. I’m thinking since you aren’t buying make up, designer clothes or you know, a car… maybe you can use all that money, and buy yourself a Bible not all marked up by your “saints”.

You just might learn something about being baptized in the Holy Spirit while still experiencing “liberty in the Spirit.” At least, I have.