God Sighting of the Month: Well, this is different

I suppose seeing the stereotypical Catholic with a last name that ends in “Z” is passe. There is now a new trend in delusional sacrosanct sightings “Insha’Allah.”

So, let’s take a trip across the pond and meet Rubina Sheikh from Helsingborg, Sweden. Yes, sports fans, the Guiness World Book of Records found the only frozen Muslim in existence for this cockamamie story.

“When I sliced the mango in two, ‘Allah’ was written in one half and ‘Muhammad’ in the other. It’s a miracle, a sign from Allah,” said Sheikh to the Metro newspaper.

That’s right. She didn’t see Muhammad in her produce, but saw a personally inscribed love note carved in the fruit fresh from her local Tom Thumb (or whatever they call it in Scandinavian… maybe God Jul or something)?!

Regardless the religion, are folk that desperate to actually hear from God that they are willing to listen to politicians… er, produce. If this is the case, I recommend a serious walk back to the Bible (yeah, yeah, or Qu’ran).

Too bad I didn’t have a clear picture of Muhammad’s penmanship with this story. I’m sure I could have sold that on Craig’s List Chicago to someone.

Ah, well. The spirit of entrepreneurship lives on.

Depoliticizing the Pulpit: Your Pastor Approved This Message

For 54 years, the IRS has been sticking their noses in to some place where dimwitted pastors think they don’t belong – their pulpits. You see, if a pastor says from the pulpit, “Vote for so-and-so,” he is in violation of being non-profit.

Why? Because “faith-based organizations” are supposed to say focused on faith, NOT politics. There’s a concept, eh?

And now, these five long decades later, these dunderheads are fighting back the only way they know how – with their mouths.

The ministers haven’t announced their preferences, although Senator John McCain is expected to be favored. Senator Barack Obama has blurred church-state lines in promising more subsidies for social programs run by religious-based groups. But Mr. McCain has gone much farther, proclaiming America to be “a Christian nation.”

A (tax-exempt) consortium of Christian lawyers that presses conservative causes — the Alliance Defense Fund — has organized the ministers’ protest as Pulpit Freedom Sunday. They argue that the tax code restricts their right to be “talking to their congregations about biblical issues related to candidates and elections.”

MEMO to the Fraudulent Shepherds looking to sheathe the flock: How is telling your sheep who to vote for a “biblical issue”? Unless your indulgent pulpiteering is a shroud for your inept research on political issues, a need to lord over your sheep and your Napoleonic complex finger to the world.

Answer? It’s nowhere close and you are a complete sorry excuse for a pastor. If you really think you are helping God by proselytizing a person on election day, rather than an issue, think again. God needs you to direct people in the ways of the Lord, not in the ways of the political paraphenalia you get in the mail.

So, stand up and speak up, because losing your tax-exempt status is the last thing of which you should be concerned. You could lose your self-respect. And there is no metal detector in the world that will help you locate where that is buried.

Carlton Pearson’s dying wish, “Give me unity”

Roman author of antiquity Publilius Syrus once penned, “Where there is unity, there is always victory.”

I wonder if former “Bishop” Carlton Pearson is raising his arms in celebration now as his once heralded church slammed a padlock on its doors after 27 years of holding them open to Tulsa, Okla. and the rest of the country. The once-regaled church is now a small part of the “All Souls Unitarian Church.”

“I have no regrets for what I did in this town,” he said.

Really? Let’s make a list, shall we?

• He was mentored by Dr. Oral Roberts and ordained in the COGIC church
• In the 1990s, he created Higher Dimensions, the largest church in Tulsa and the birthplace of one of the most famed conferences in Christendom, “Azuza.”
• In 2000, he campaigned for W. and was invited to the White House.
• In 2002, you lose a bid to run for Mayor of Tulsa (um, OK?)
• Then in 2004, he was called a heretic for believing no one went to hell and sin was moot.

Now, where do you think he wants a redo? Four years later, he is shamed, loathed, mocked and now… without a church. Brother, what happened?

I have all your Azuza CDs to jam the old time “precious memories.” You could get Amens shouted at you anywhere in the country. And NO ONE on the planet – save Al Sharpton – could rock the perm like you. Then you go off the deep end without floaties and sink in your own delusions of grandeur.

Thanks to you, the Gospel of Inclusion has a rebirth and now everyone is searching for an… let’s say… an “emerging” Gospel in the “community”. And why not? If I can go conviction-free through life knowing I just have to put on my Sunday best once a week, why not?

MEMO to Carlton Pearson: When you make it to heaven, please be sure to approach Jesus with caution and let him know why so many of your former followers were possibly “included” into hell. That would be because you weren’t doing your job telling them otherwise.

[Bricklaying Shout out to GCM Watch for the shot]

Set Free Soldiers face an ironic ruling in court

Earlier last month, the Wall featured an odd brick that spoke of a Christian biker “gang” and the Hells Angels throwing down in a real life barroom brawl.

A couple of days ago, the uh, Set Free Soldiers’ “leader of the pack” – Phillip Aguilar – could lose his freedom. Ah, irony and richly deserved as well:

The pastor of a Christian motorcycle club pleaded not guilty Thursday to felony weapons and gang charges in a case that hinges on whether he heads a church ministry or an outlaw biker gang.

Phillip Aguilar, 61, pastor of the Anaheim-based Set Free Soldiers, pleaded not guilty to charges of being a felon in possession of a handgun, ammunition and brass knuckles, and of being an active gang participant. Four other members of the group, including his son, Matthew, 29, pleaded not guilty to weapons and gang charges, and another pleaded not guilty to attempted murder.

Is this why Randy Newman clamored, “I love L.A.“?! Seriously? This dude is so great at surreptitious witnessing that it’s possible 12 of his peers will decide if he is rocking a cross around his neck or looking to wrap it around someone’s medulla.

The former convicted child abuser (no kidding) has been rollin’-rollin’-rollin’ (Limp Bizkit, anyone?) for Jesus since 1982. The question apparently is has he rolled over anyone in the past 26 years leaving them for dead.

If you don’t believe me, just ask the Grand Jury:

The court rejected the prosecution’s request to bar Aguilar from associating with members of Set Free outside his immediate family, but did order that members of the group could not possess “dangerous or deadly weapons.“

You know, when I think of most reputable preachers, I usually envision them packing heat or cloaking a shank in between the binding space of Malachi and Matthew. I mean, it’s on the regular, right? Big dudes with leather gear and vicious ink rolling on a hog are typically known for getting picked on by a mean team of roadside atheists who are hurling insults about their mothers and blustering, “Those colors better run… or we’ll kick your butt.”

Yeah, I didn’t think so either. Born to be Wild, eh? Wait until he gets into prison. That fool will change his tune – and then repent.

MOVE 2008: “The Messiah” hits Christian talk radio

Sounds obvious, right? Yeah, you’re so sly. You knew there was a catch.

Once again, this historic election continues its journey down the topsy-turvy of mindmelding worlds of faith and politics. The sheep of the Church have no idea who to believe about issues of faith so they just bah at the first politician who shouts, “God.”

Now, according to this story from the Washington Post, they won’t have far to scurry.

And why? Check the headline and note the strategy: So, every time you turn on your favorite CCM or uber-conservative talk radio station, who would you assume will be talking to you during the commercials? I’ll give you a hint – he’s old, gray and conservative. That’s right… any Republican with an advertising budget running for office.

Well, scratch that… because Dem’ Dems are coming to Nashville – the utopia of Christian radio! Why?

“I think it would be shocking to a lot of people if you interviewed Christian artists, the split would be pretty even” between Republicans and Democrats, says Grant Hubbard, vice president of promotion for EMI Christian Music Group, one of the biggest labels. “The consumer, on the other hand, is about 80-20.”

While this story drones on and on, in an interesting sort of way, it makes one – well, me – think, why not?!

Who is to say you have to be a Christian in order to be a Republican?! Without prattling verbatim about something HiScrivener feels passionately about, check out this post here.

In other words, sports fans, Jesus loved us so much that when he created Adam out of his breath and dirt, he gave him the ability to reason, think and communicate. Otherwise, I may as well be a duck-billed playtpus. That said, why do you vote?

Because a candidate is stereotypically “the only one who supports pro-life”? If that’s the case, Obama ain’t your guy. Or is it because a candidate “visibly supports biblical issues”? And if that is the case, do you really have a clue?

Although this is a polytheistic nation, we serve a singular God. Read the flippin’ Bible and determine what his candidacy would run on, then answer me this, “Do you think Jesus would advertise on Christian radio to get the attention of Christians?”

Yeah, I thought you would agree. Incidentally, the next story in this series will be about John McCain taking out a full-page spread in Ebony. Now that should be good reading.