Posts Tagged ‘ebay’

So, in case you live in Michael Jackson’s old hyperbaric chamber (I’m sure it’s on eBay), I’m sure you know someone – if not gotten the cooties personally – who has caught H1N1, affectionately known as “Swine Flu.

Flu in the PewsIt’s so bad out there, there’s a new verb about to be included in the global lexicon – purelled.

I mean, I break wind and grab a bottle of that magical salve in case some of those airborne rockets lands on my fingertips.

You’ve seen that green bottle of gold everywhere – college campuses, office lobbies, restrooms and even football stadiums.

However, this next story from the Pennsylvania Patriot-News gives a fresh and sanitized meaning to “Cleanliness is next to godliness” as holy water is being replaced by… you guessed it, hand sanitizer.

“In an effort to minimize exposure to the H1N1 flu and other diseases, we have joined other Catholic churches in temporarily removing the Holy Water from the entrances to the Cathedral,” the St. Patrick Cathedral bulletin informed parishioners on Sunday.

Apparently, the sign of the Cross isn’t good enough for church-going folk. Now, we will place our flu-ridden bodies in the hands of the Red Cross.

“Please remember that when greeting people before and after Mass and during the Sign of Peace, a simple head bow can replace the handshake and be healthier for everyone,” the bulletin said.

No more shaking hands during service. Keep the flu out of the pews, brothers and sisters! Now, it’s just the knowing nod until further notice.

Hopefully this pandemic will end by 2012. That’s election season. What’s a politician to do when they can’t “shake hands and kiss babies”?! Poor things.

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jesus-kitkatAh, what a grand way to kick off the month of May than with a ubiquitous God sighting.

And all the way from the Netherlands, we have some tool who believes the Shroud of Turin has duplicated in his… wait for it… Kit Kat bar!

Dear editor, this morning on my work, I am shocked rot. I took a bite of a chocolate bar and then I saw a face in the bar. Well, there are the recent years many Christ apparitions, and I find that all rather far-fetched . In a pillow or a meteorite I read last. So first I could not believe it, but two of my colleagues agreed that I have seen.

Well, I’m uh, “shocked rot” too. Look at this… chocolate is called the “food of the gods,” so meh? Why not? Of course, if I was a God-fearing dentist, I would swear all day long that the devil made him do it.

Who am I kidding. Gimme’ a break, indeed.

Whether this is a story about an unfortunate typo, a case of someone using big words without knowing the meaning or keeping angst all bottled up, this is yet another story in a series of giggles against the Mormon church.

Thousands of issues of Brigham Young University’s student newspaper were pulled from newsstands because a front-page photo caption misidentified leaders of the Mormon church as apostates instead of apostles.

Whoops!

For those not in the know, like our fun-loving, collegiate, fat-fingered student, an apostate is someone who has forsaken religion… you know, sort of like cult leaders who surreptitiously portray a walk with God while wishing to go to another planet and have heavenly fun babies.

Ironic, the name of the BYU student newspaper is “The Daily Universe.” Nice.

The paper noted in the BYU rag was about the “Quorum of the Twelve Apostles,” which is a governing body in the LDS Wonder World. Evidently – as the legend goes –  she hit F7, spellcheck recommended the unfortunate flub and he accepted.

The typo was an honest mistake, said Carri Jenkins, spokeswoman for church-owned BYU. She said most of the 18,000 copies of the student paper were retrieved Monday morning and replaced with 10,000 corrected copies later in the day. “This is extremely rare,” she said. “The focus today has been how and why the error occurred and what we can do to make sure that this does not happen again.”

spell-check-its-impotentSo, most of the papers were retrieved?! What did the Mormons do? Saddle up in SWAT gear and go from classroom to classroom packing heat looking for the renegade papers?

I’d love to see them throw some of that Prop 8 money on eBay for the rest… because that is definitely where they are going.

And I suppose the IT department of BYU are a united front to rid their precious university of the demonic Microsoft spellchecks. One dusky-hued evening, a bunch of dorks with pocket protectors and sacred Fruit of the Looms scurry to the computer labs and hack into the systems to remove all words that are considered anti-Mormon.

And while the nerd patrol is on a roll, they may want to suit up and visit the Psychology lab and beat the crap out of all those pesk Freudians who perpertrate their superego thinking, which probably doesn’t coincide with the Pearl of Great Price.

Hey, BYU? Big Brother called, and he really wants his computer back. He went to Mac, but the F7 key isn’t working that great.

WOW! January has been a busy month for God Sightings. I suppose Jesus and his mama was jealous from all the headlines this other messiah was getting, so they had to show up spooking people in small towns and trailer parks across the country.

tiles-of-godMeet Antonia Baker of Las Vegas, Nevada.

[A] West Valley woman says she has had the likeness of Jesus in every one of her kitchen tiles for eight years. Antonia Baker saw the image in the floor of her Lakes home for the first time three years ago during the Christmas season while she was recovering from surgery for an eye injury. Doctors said she had to keep her head down to allow her retina to heal. She wasn’t allowed to read or use the computer, so she had to stare at the floor for three weeks.

I suppose when you have to do that, either vertigo sets in or massive hallucinations. Of course, the sanctity of her floor touched her soul, and then she tried to touch her pocketbook by selling some of the tiles and grout on eBay. Keep it classy, woman.

My question is if she is making a PB&J and drops some bread on the floor, and then her dog swoops in to gobble up the scraps… does that bread become the Eucharist, and Fido just took communion? IJS.

Oh, and a hilarious, and highly ironic, side note: the reporter’s surname is “Pope”

I sound like my dear ol’ dad more and more every day. “The world is going to hell in a handbasket,” he would always exclaim as he saw the latest breaking news story, and typically caused an introspective child to think, “Isn’t the world a bit big for one of Mom’s old apple baskets in the garage?”

But I digress, because that is exactly what I thought when I read about the fake-named Natalie Dylan and her quest to pay for college… by selling her virginity to the highest bidder online!

The FBI isn’t interested. The U.S. attorney doesn’t care. Everything is fine by local police, and she isn’t breaking any laws. That’s because Natalie Dylan, a made-up name for a real 22-year-old California college grad, is marketing her maidenhead in Nevada, where prostitution is legal.

Begs the question, "Where was her father?"

Begs the question, "Where was her father?"

Amazing how a girl can be a ho, and still be a complete novice at the same time?

You know, she is either a completely depraved individual who seriously needs to find some Christian zealot that will lead her straight to Jesus, or she is a borderline genius business woman. Why?

She has the moxie to do this dastardly deed… and do it in Nevada where “tricks” have nothing to do with a deck of cards… and it’s highly possible she won’t go through this at all. After all the notoriety she is getting, some schlep in a publisher’s office could get her a book deal, she gets the cash with virginity intact and still gets paid.

So why? At least she’s altruistic – twisted and a harlot – but altruistic because young Natalie wants to continue her college education. You know, the economy and all, but that doesn’t stop the dirty, rank old men trolling for hotties on eBay, does it? 401Ks are being depleted in record fashion.

And her inspiration for this legal rouse? Her sister, so says the UK’s Telegraph (quickly becoming a must-read paper for HiScrivener):

Miss Dylan, from San Diego, California, USA, said she was persuaded to offer herself to the highest bidder after her sister Avia, 23, paid for her own degree after working as a prostitute for three weeks. She said she had had a lot of attention from a wide range of men, including “weirdos”, “those who get really graphically sexual about what they want to do to me” and “lots of polite requests from rich businessmen”.

“Polite requests for rich businessmen”?! Seriously? Of course, they are polite! The Viagra wears off in 45 minutes, and the online bid counter has 25 minutes in the hopper. This is pathetic, so sad and yet another reason why My Fair Lady and I are looking into chastity belts circa 1200 A.D. for a certain lil’ Wall Watcher.

Lord, hear our prayer.