Pastor Ted Haggard shows what’s behind the curtain

Well, it’s been a long time coming and Wall Watchers have waited for a triumphant return. Now, thanks largely to this story from ABC News, we have it.

Everyone, rejoice… here’s the Ron Burgundy picture covering fallen evangelical and pastor Ted Haggard.

Well, the picture and the fact Ted Haggard has broken his silence about his plight into “personal male massage therapists” and meth. Whichever one excites you more: Huzzah!

Now seriously, I encourage you to visit the ABC News link and watch the video. Riveting.

First, Haggard’s dad had a successful business and evidently one of pop’s cohorts thought a business fringe benefit was molesting his son at the age of seven. Horrifying.

Personally, I am glad he didn’t share that tidbit while he was bringing his entire family into the spotlight because it would have seemed like an excuse. Now, it’s just unfortunate insight.

If you study psychology, you know the propensity for an abuse victim to become an abuser is very high. However, as “Another Brick on the Wall” Ima Blogger points out, it still doesn’t explain his habitue for trailer park drugs. I suppose that was just collateral damage.

Anywhoo… so here’s Ted Haggard, a mere shell of the evangelical giant he used to be, ministering in a small Illinois church about what happened, why it happened and how we (the Church) should have responded:

“I believe that he [God] gives us opportunities every couple of years to communicate the gospel worldwide through secular media and we consistently blow it,” he said. “A congressman in trouble, that’s the time. A family member gets himself in horrible trouble, that’s the time. A preacher gets himself in awful trouble, that’s the time.“

Once a preacher, always a preacher. Because despite the message and circumstance, there’s always some truth. In other words, he is right. The Church is inventive, novel and genius at finding new and innovative ways to eat its young, step on the fallen and bury its elderly.

Don’t get me wrong, what Teddy boy did was heinous and he deserved a swift boot out of the pulpit and the NEA. But he got there because there is no accountability in – or out of – the pulpit. Count the yes men that surround the Osteens, the Crouchs or even the sex-loving Youngs and you will see what I mean.

Ted was the man! President of one of the most influential Christian organizations on the planet, pastor of a megachurch, family man and guy with a GREAT grill. Who was going to tell him, “NO!” And that’s how these demagogues like it. No accountability, no refrain, no one to whom they should answer.

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. (Proverbs 16:18 NIV)

Look at the mighty, Wall Watchers: Oral and Richard Roberts. Robert Tilton. Jim Bakker. Pat Robertson. And so, so many more. And time is running out for us to make a difference on a world that already thinks to little of us… and these fools ain’t helping matters much.

These were giants of the Kingdom at one time or another and they all share one thing in common – each had an empire, answered “only to God”, kept their sin buried in the closet and fell flat. They have all made a comeback, and Ted will make his as well. What’s sad is that there are 1000s more like them corraling the sheep and using them to do nothing more than make cashmere sweaters to hang in their closets.

So don’t be surprised when Haggard gets pelted with blue pills, barraged with hate mail and asked if he wants to massage with Crisco. People – saved and lost alike – all have shark mentality in one faction or another. When the smell of blood is in the water, prepare to drown or swim like hell.

Ted Haggard, you now have your floaties. Swim on, soldier. Some of us are praying for you, and giggling a little bit as well.

The Christian Right is about to turn a hard left

Although this is not a “Christian nation”, it is a nation chock full of Christians… most of which were gravely disappointed on Election Day.

Whether their gripe is about the BarackStar’s antipathy for the unborn or how he completely bromanced the Church away from the conservative old man, who knows? What is clear is that the politically uber-active church folk plan to sing Peaches & Herb “Reunited” and traipse the light fantastic until 2012, according to this story from the Christian Post.

“Nothing unites Christian conservatives more than a common enemy, and here the enemy is a radical liberal agenda,” said Rebecca Hagelin of the conservative think tank Heritage Foundation on Christian Broadcasting Network on Monday. “There are a lot of dangerous social agenda items and I think you will see the church rise up to fight these like never before,” she contended.

Get out from under your Bible and DO SOMETHING

Among those ubiquitous issues are the aforementioned abortion, the fairness doctrine (to be discussed next week on the Wall) and global warming. I’m sorry, “global warming”?! Since when does caring about the air we breathe and the land on which we live a liberal, leftist agenda?!

Just because Al Gore, inventor of the Internet, created a movie and won a Nobel Peace Prize, doesn’t mean respect for the environment and recycling is because of “those dern Democrats.” Ludicrous.

Seriously, if you hardcore-can’t-see-a-friggin-thing-worthy-of-spitting-on-those-pesky-liberals-straight-ticket-voting-Jesus-loving-folk think protecting the environment isn’t a Godly issue, may I recommend looking up in your theological lexicons about how God pre-ordained us to live on Mars.

Yeah, about that, you are stuck here so you may as well deal with it. The abortion issue should be bathed in prayer because there is no way to depoliticize murder. The fairness doctrine has nothing fair about it. So, stand strong, reunite, mount up like wings of eagles and all those clarion calls you throw out in your newsletters.

I only ask that you all consider what banner does HiScrivener runs under: That Christianity is the only sect of society where it is perfectly legal, welcomed and even pleasing to disparage and commit hate crimes against.

Where’s your agenda for that one, Christian Right? Because THAT is just plain wrong.

College: Meet the Oxy-Morons

If only they made the Christian version of this classic

OK, here’s two words that don’t belong in the same sentence: “Christian” and “Party”

Uh, yeah.

Campus Life magazine has decided to derail Christian education everywhere and break out the “Best Christian Party Schools” list. And your winner is the infamous Toccoa Falls College! Huzzah!

According to the aforementioned story, here’s why the Georgia faith-based institution makes the buck wyle list:

Obscure Toccoa Falls College has impressed the judges for years with its quirky talent shows, freshman mixers and over-the-top support for their beleaguered sports teams. The school is also known for its Quad Runs, a longtime tradition where hundreds of students spontaneously bolt from their rooms, tag a certain spot on the administration building and run back as if nothing happened.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Granted, they’re kids and it’s much better than all-night stoopers blubbering alcohol and coke lines, but does pubescent angst like this really require a LIST?! Seriously?

What’s next, some Catholic school drones up the memories of fermented wine keggers and funny bread pass arounds? Maybe there is a Mormon college in Salt Lake where they dare to strip out of their holy skivvies, bay at the full moon and actually spend a day going house-to-house NOT dressed alike?

In case you are wondering where to send your child to college, here is the rest of the Top 5:

1. Wheaton College (Wheaton, Ill.)
2. Concordia University (Austin, Texas)
3. Southeastern University (Lakeland, Fla.)
4. Fresno Pacific University (Fresno, Calif.)

Awesome. Simply awesome. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Dallas megachurch pastor wants his flock to sex it up

You know, I was just telling my Fair Lady what this world needs is a 70s revival. Huge concerts, great music, protest mentality… and of course, all that sex!

I mean with the “Free Love Movement” spreading like a flu in New England in the heart of winter, who wouldn’t dig that and feel a “Purple Haze” (or at least scratch the fool out of one in that most special area of yours).

Uh yeah. That, or another reason noted in this story

Well, gasp and swoon, I got the vapors! Thanks to Ed Young, Jr., founder of uber megachurch Fellowship Church in Grapevine, Texas, the 70s are coming back. The pastor, while sitting on a bed in front of his church body, challenged the couples to have a boink-fest all week long.

In these days of financial crisis, rampant divorce and debates over same-sex marriage, it’s time, he says, to turn the “whining” into “whoopee.” More fundamentally, he adds, the embracing of sex is about nurturing and strengthening marriages. “Sex is like Super Glue. It’s a spiritual thing, an emotional thing,” he says.

Man, with one liners like that, no wonder he has written so many books. All of this muddled in a sermon entitled, “Leaving Lust Vegas.” Seriously?! Sage wisdom there, Ed.

Meanwhile, somewhere among the 20,000+ parishoners is a mom and dad sitting in church with their daughter and son-in-law. That had to be some classic conversation at Luby’s Cafeteria… [cue harp music]

So, honey, what did you think of pastor’s message?

I thought it was like, soooo cool. I mean, I have been wanting to get my groove on lately but Jeff has been tied up in legal cases. Dad, what about you?

Well, it’s been about 20 years since your brother and you went to college. So, I guess your mother and I are due for a week-long tryst.

So, break out the leisure suits, perms (for men), mood rings and the 8-track player, Jesus freaks and nymphos alike. Ah, the times they are a’changing indeed.

Oh, and this is rich, his attempt to clear his acne is now considered a “national healthwatch segment”. Well, it does burn the calories and helps the heart.

Bad spelling becomes good church marketing

Typically, in small churches especially, when pastor raises an offering for a big church expense, folk want to see where the money went… their money. Can you blame them? It’s an investment and nothing says commitment to a church like my duckets spent in good form.

So, when pastor Chad Thomas from Joplin, Mizzou. spent two bills on the new church sign, he thought it was a wise investment.

You know, folk could see it from the street, know about his house of worship and delight in the fact there is a “First Baptist C-H-R-U-C-H” in town.

Yeah, about that, fire your secretary. Since she is the one who let that slide BEFORE it went to the marquee manufacturer.

“My secretary was gone that day and I’m not much of a speller — it’s my fault,” he says. “I signed off on the final copy.”

What happened? Some 4th grader fresh from school mentioned during Wednesday night Bible study, “Mommy, I think the pastor needs to pray for spelling.”

And then, from this BAD flub – oh let’s make no mistake, dude is a few fries short of a happy meal – Pastor Chad got jiggy with it. When life gives you lemons, you get hooked on phonics.

The church launched an “RU Ready?” campaign in newspapers and billboards, playing off the misspelled word “Chruch.” The ads read, “RU ready to attend a great church? At First Baptist Chruch you don’t have to be perfect, because neither are we!”

Well, at least he owned that “crummy church sign” (Shout out to a HiScrivener fave). Nice. Good on ya’ Pastor.