Posts Tagged ‘Robert Tilton’

God is about his word. A relationship with Jesus is about faith. But nowhere in the history of Christendom would the early disciples have imagined the phrase “Word of Faith” have created such vitriol and irascible angst.

But then came Robert Tilton who thought it would be a good idea to transform that moniker into a calling card for interloping and pilfering in the name of the Lord. Nice.

Courtesy DMN Photography

Courtesy DMN Photography

So, where’s he been since he was taken away in cuffs and sent to the pokey?

Miami, of course.

And, according to a clever, well-worth-the-read story by Scott Parks of the Dallas Morning News, we take a look into how Tilton is looking for “Success N’ Life” for a third time around.

An indication of just how far below the radar he flies nowadays came in February when a masked gunman invaded Tilton’s beachfront mansion, and the Miami news media didn’t even bother to report the incident.

Yeah, I told you this was good.

I suppose the Miami media (and authorities, if you need them) figures a man who touts to have the batphone to heaven in his friggin’ shower should have received a hit on his hip from the big man upstairs. Only the big man was some fool packing four bills named “Bubba.”

Turnabout is fair play, I suppose.

Oh, save the sanctimony. God is gracious and he forgives anyone for anything at anytime as long as that person’s heart is contrite, broken and full of remorse… not for being caught, but for being wrong.

But, I ain’t Jesus! (Thank God for that. Collective sighs patter around the globe.)

Has he learned his lesson… even after the attempted robbery and kidnapping (his kids were in the house during the botched break-in)? In two words? [No, not those]. Nuh-unh.

After the home invasion, the Tiltons moved out of their 8,000-square-foot Miami Beach mansion and into a South Beach high-rise with 24-hour security. They put the house on the market for $6.9 million.

Sure, because a brother still needs to get his botox on. And it turns out the silver-tongued…er, haired cat is up to his typical bag of tricks.

Still rocking the “God’ll make you rich” scheme, he has a pirated televangelism empire that looks like it is rocking out of his mama’s basement in the Sunshine State. You know, because the dude can’t get a real job vacuuming high-rise condos or something.

Today, Tilton plies his trade on a Web site called streamingfaith.com. On the daily one-hour program called Robert Tilton Live! he promotes his patented Success N Life gospel, which generally postulates that God will reward donors with blessings that far outstrip the amount of the check they send to pastors such as Tilton.

Hey, if those mindless dolts pay it, he will surely keep coming.

So THAT's who he looks like?!

So THAT's who he looks like?!

I suppose the saving grace is this dude isn’t plastering his twisted theology all over TBN, Daystar or the Inspiration Network during prime time. No, even better. Mr. Mountebank [not a real name] is actually airing his drivel on… wait for it… BET during the bewitching hour.

You know, my Dad used to tell me when attempting to curtail my curfew, “Boy, the only thing open at two in the [expletive] morning are hospitals and legs… and I know you ain’t sick. But you about to be.”

And before I have post-traumatic stress memories of thorough butt kickings, I have to tell you the theme of that story. Nothing good can happen at that hour.

That includes false proselytizing, money grubbing and preying on the innocent, downtrodden and heavenly minded. You know, the fake evangelist Modus Operandi. I think there’s a handbook out there or something.

And to better prove Tilton has absolutely no business in a pulpit, broadcast or any other medium, is this:

In addition to their church work, Tilton also owns a publishing company and several other for-profit businesses. Records filed with the Nevada secretary of state’s office in 2006 list Tilton as president, secretary, treasurer and director of Stella Vita International, a multi-level marketing operation that sells nutritional supplements.

Now, I know plenty of God-fearing people who are in direct sales and selling excellent supplements. So, nothing wrong with that. But, talk about mismanagement of perception. (?!?!)

Everyone on earth considers this nimrod to be a huckster, and now he is running a Ponzi scheme. (Please, there is nothing “nutritional” about Tilton or his products). Keeping it classy with “prosperity opportunities”, eh, Bobo?

“I’m not so sure I see the difference,” Tilton was quoted as saying in a 2006 news release. “Ever since I got rid of religion, I’ve had a party with God! And now we’re all going to have a party with Stella Vita” – a quote that would make his lawyer wince.

Nice.

Well, there is so much more I could say, but suffice to say, God is still omniscient. He sees the matters of the heart, and although Tilton is able to weasel his way in to people’s homes still, he will reap what he sows. He is all about “seeds of faith,” after all.

So, to commemorate what a loving, endearing megalomaniac he is in balmy Miami, let’s get our vile of holy water, vat of oil from Jesus’ brow and kick it old school with some of his most famous clips found on the Internet.

Without further adieu, some miasma moments and gaseous glory:

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I once heard a pastor, whom I greatly admire, say something that made the “Great Commission” make all the sense in the world:

“The number one reason for Atheism in this country is the actions of most people who call themselves Christians.”

Amen! And evidently, a recent survey noted by USA Today suggests that to not only be prolific, but also prognostication.

A new survey of U.S. adults who don’t go to church, even on holidays, finds 72% say “God, a higher or supreme being, actually exists.” But just as many (72%) also say the church is “full of hypocrites.” Indeed, 44% agree with the statement “Christians get on my nerves.”

prayer-2You know, I should write this in ALL CAPS (and in bold) so you could hear my voice reverberating on these walls as I shout and yawp about the need for the whole Church to wake up, stand up and man (or woman) up!

And for the rest of us, we just need to pray like life depended on it! And it does.

There is no greater pool of humanity where the rotten apples spoil the proverbial bunch than Christianity, which is why the zealots, the realists, the devoted and the public need to be the best witnesses possible…

…and the televised, the cults, the sects, the fake, the rich and famous and the uh, “prosperous” need to realize the error of their ways.

Why? This is all your fault!

Huh?!

What does it say that “more than one in five” Americans would rather not go to church and humanistically believe in God than act like some of the fools and charlatans seen on a religious TV broadcast near you?! Don’t get me wrong, I thank God for Christian television – its premise, not what it’s become.

What it needs to be is a beacon of hope, the salt of the earth, a light in the darkness, a city set on a hill. It’s not.

Why? Consider the string of stories seen on TV that best represent God to the common person, the average believer:

Jim Jones, Robert Tilton, Warren Jeffs, Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker, Pat Robertson, Earl Paulk, Paula White, Todd Bentley, Carlton Pearson, David Koresh, Oral & Richard Roberts, Michael Guglielmucci, Mike Murdoch, Paul Crouch, Benny Hinn, Creflo Dollar, Kenneth Copeland, and on… and on… and on… and on… and on.

There’s a lot of faith in that dank room, a lot of influence and notoriety, and a lot of serious issues! However, these are some of the collective misfits folk call to memory when asked, “Who represents the Body of Christ?”

wwjd-for-realRight, wrong or indifferent: it’s always the vocal minority, the swarthy tail that wags the dog all day long. And they are it. To that end, it’s the mission of the real Christians, the living epistles to change those unfortunate and misguided perceptions.

It’s a dubious task, but if you’re up to it, our work could pay big dividends for the persecuted, the passionate and the pronounced in a world of people who really can’t stand us. Sure, we are nice people and folk in the workplace like us, they really like us.

But they watch us like hawks waiting for us to plummet in a whirlwind of sin that would take out a small village in Indonesia. And they would applaud all the while chalking up our names to the growing list of noteworthy evangelists and “other prominent folk who call themselves religious” all in the name to say, “I told you so.”

In other words, their actions aren’t doing us any favors. God is faithful but some of those who pass themselves off as “his people” are not so much.

God blesses us with money and sustenance, but those folk are chock full of greed. God gives us grace, but those nitwits with false humility ball that gift up and hurl it back into our faces. And what we have been attempting to tell the throngs quoted in this pathetic survey: God’s son is the way, the truth and the life but regretfully no one is coming to the Father because of “them.”

Most of the unchurched (86%) say they believe they can have a “good relationship with God without belonging to a church.” And 79% say “Christianity today is more about organized religion than loving God and loving people.”

Pastors and parishioners alike, if you don’t read a forsaken, plotted word I type, please read this: there is a distinct and incontrovertible reason why churches tend to be emptier these days… it’s the nasty church folk running all the good, unsaved folk out the door in the name of “being spiritual.”

Ever hear the adage, “You can be so spiritually minded that you are no earthly good”?

Yeah, neither have the people who have caused the 72 percent exodus of potential believers. Get real, Church. We have a job to do. You up to it? If so, see you in the trenches. Trust me, there will be plenty of room!

Peace.

The Bible tells us “For we have not a high priest which cannot be touched with the feelings of our infirmities” (Hebrews 4:15 KJV).

Fast forward 6,000 years and I presume that means feeling like we haven’t the time to do anything because we are too preoccupied taking up overtime. You know like running to Starbucks, going to a bible group or even taking 15 minutes to pray.

Huzzah! Fear no more. That whole “I feel you” thinking has got your back because God now has an 800 number. Well, kinda.

Dutch artist Johan van der Dong has set up a local telephone number in the Netherlands, where he urges people to leave messages for God on his answering machine. “Like praying, leaving a voicemail message is a way to organize your thoughts,” he said. “It’s a perfect combination for some contemplation.”

Yeah. Even He has one - a great iAm phone.

Yeah. Even He has one - a great iAm phone.

Well, that’s mighty narcissitic of him, isn’t it?

Call God… at his answering machine?!

What, did Robert Tilton decide to create another ministry fleecing the sheep? Oral and Richard Roberts come out of their sabbatical and witness protection to find another small business venture? Did Thomas Weeks come up with a kitschy new idea for a program on TBN?

You know, ratings and all.

Good thing there is Vonage and cell plans with unlimited long distance. Can you imagine the charges for calling heaven?! And then, what happens if his son answers the phone? What would you say, “Um, hey! Is your Daddy home? I’m hungover and I need to promise him… again… that I’ll never do this if he makes this vicious headache go away.”

“SURE,” the bellowing voice says. “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADYYYYYYYY!!!

So, here’s the REAL (no kidding) phone number:

Callers dialing 06-4424-4901 (or +316-4424-4901 if calling from outside the Netherlands) for the message, “Hi, you are speaking to God. I’m not in right now so leave a message after the beep.”

ron-burgundy-talks-haggardWell, it’s been a long time coming and Wall Watchers have waited for a triumphant return. Now, thanks largely to this story from ABC News, we have it.

Everyone, rejoice… here’s the Ron Burgundy picture covering fallen evangelical and pastor Ted Haggard.

Well, the picture and the fact Ted Haggard has broken his silence about his plight into “personal male massage therapists” and meth. Whichever one excites you more: Huzzah!

Now seriously, I encourage you to visit the ABC News link and watch the video. Riveting.

First, Haggard’s dad had a successful business and evidently one of pop’s cohorts thought a business fringe benefit was molesting his son at the age of seven. Horrifying.

Personally, I am glad he didn’t share that tidbit while he was bringing his entire family into the spotlight because it would have seemed like an excuse. Now, it’s just unfortunate insight.

If you study psychology, you know the propensity for an abuse victim to become an abuser is very high. However, as “Another Brick on the Wall” Ima Blogger points out, it still doesn’t explain his habitue for trailer park drugs. I suppose that was just collateral damage.

Anywhoo… so here’s Ted Haggard, a mere shell of the evangelical giant he used to be, ministering in a small Illinois church about what happened, why it happened and how we (the Church) should have responded:

“I believe that he [God] gives us opportunities every couple of years to communicate the gospel worldwide through secular media and we consistently blow it,” he said. “A congressman in trouble, that’s the time. A family member gets himself in horrible trouble, that’s the time. A preacher gets himself in awful trouble, that’s the time.

Once a preacher, always a preacher. Because despite the message and circumstance, there’s always some truth. In other words, he is right. The Church is inventive, novel and genius at finding new and innovative ways to eat its young, step on the fallen and bury its elderly.

Don’t get me wrong, what Teddy boy did was heinous and he deserved a swift boot out of the pulpit and the NEA. But he got there because there is no accountability in – or out of – the pulpit. Count the yes men that surround the Osteens, the Crouchs or even the sex-loving Youngs and you will see what I mean.

Ted was the man! President of one of the most influential Christian organizations on the planet, pastor of a megachurch, family man and guy with a GREAT grill. Who was going to tell him, “NO!” And that’s how these demagogues like it. No accountability, no refrain, no one to whom they should answer.

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. (Proverbs 16:18 NIV)

times-running-outLook at the mighty, Wall Watchers: Oral and Richard Roberts. Robert Tilton. Jim Bakker. Pat Robertson. And so, so many more. And time is running out for us to make a difference on a world that already thinks to little of us… and these fools ain’t helping matters much.

These were giants of the Kingdom at one time or another and they all share one thing in common – each had an empire, answered “only to God”, kept their sin buried in the closet and fell flat. They have all made a comeback, and Ted will make his as well. What’s sad is that there are 1000s more like them corraling the sheep and using them to do nothing more than make cashmere sweaters to hang in their closets.

So don’t be surprised when Haggard gets pelted with blue pills, barraged with hate mail and asked if he wants to massage with Crisco. People – saved and lost alike – all have shark mentality in one faction or another. When the smell of blood is in the water, prepare to drown or swim like hell.

Ted Haggard, you now have your floaties. Swim on, soldier. Some of us are praying for you, and giggling a little bit as well.

A long, long time ago, a snake-oil salesman from Texas began a trend that would take this nation by storm.

No, not the harrowing circle of preachers that would fleece the sheep to litter their own closets with Kashmir sweaters. That’s goes without saying.

No, I mean the lovely, side-splitting “Farting Preacher” craze all over YouTube.

Well, they were until Robert Tilton’s legal beagles stuck their mutt nose in the middle of it. But thanks to some dude with waaaay too much time on his hands, he’s baaaaaaaaaack! Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy and may your olfactory system be filled with the sweet smell of success.

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