Benedict and Bartholomew: The real odd couple

I’ve heard the Sistine Chapel is a place of unity and adoration. Well, it must be to get the Hatfields and the McCoys of Christianity to share the same space under the guise of prayer.

The spiritual leader of the world’s Orthodox Christians [Bartholomew I] prayed with Pope Benedict XVI in the Sistine Chapel on Saturday and urged Catholics and Orthodox to work together to combat fundamentalism and to promote religious tolerance.

Nice! Two old, crusty Christ followers hook up, sing Kumbaya (probably in Latin and in Greek) and begin sounding like politically-correct presidential candidates. Folks, this is 1,000 years plus of angst and solicitude about various and sundry scriptures in the Bible, all of which apply to… well, BOTH OF THEM!

And now, the great-great-great (well, you get the idea) grandkids of these sectarian saints finally decide to bury the hatchet about all that birth control, care for the elderly and legalism hubbub and talk shop:

Bartholomew was invited to address bishops from around the world attending a meeting at the Vatican this month about the importance of the Bible. Cardinals and bishops listened attentively as the patriarch spoke about the potential for common initiatives between the world’s 250 million Orthodox and more than 1 billion Catholics.

Isn’t it funny? These two nimrods are responsible for more than 1/6 of the entire world’s population eternal demise and “the greatest story ever told” turns out to be a tale they haven’t seem to read. Because, you know, if they had, perhaps they would take off their funny hats and remember how Jesus died for us all, accepts folk how they are and desires we love the Lord… nothing else.

Ah well, so much for that “iron sharpening iron” mess. Here’s to hoping and praying one of them doesn’t make a shank with it.

Pastor gets a beat down, and then the boot

Meet Pastor Steve Nixon.

For years, he pastored Calvary Baptist Church in Ellisville, Miss. That reign hula hooping one of the rungs of the Bible Belt ended this week.

Strange. A man leading a small church seems like a cushy gig, right? You get familiar with all your parishioners. You get to know who they are. And you get close to families.

Well, that may be the reason why Pastor Nixon here got his own impeachment. You see, according to the aforementioned story, the reason he took the exit stage left was thanks to former church member Michael Clark.

Apparently, Pastor wanted to get his text messaging on… to Clark’s wife… and Michael grabbed an airhose and proceeded to beat the devil out of his pastor with it. After being bludgeoned with a handy, extraneous car part, he decided “that’s what is best for his family.” Yeah, that… and the fact that the missus is about to get half of that faithful stipend. Good times, dimwit.

So, for Pastor Nixon’s last hurrah message at the church will be, “How to lose badly fighting the good fight of faith.” Believe me, I’m sure it was a doozie!

Hannah Montana is getting out of hand-a

Not your mother's Hannah Montana

A long time ago on a Disney channel not so far away lived a TV character named Hannah Montana. She was spry, bubbly and above all (at least for the merit of this story) prepubescent.

As a matter of fact, the now Miley Cyrus, is definitely amidst juvenility but still very underage. Why is that important? She’s in Hollywood, in love, in church and in jeopardy being part of a felony. You see, if she slips into temptation, her newfound Jesus-lovin’ beau will have committed statuatory rape!

Lemme see… Loves Jesus? Check. Close to having a legal record? Check. Man, sounds like some of those shady televangelists, huh?!

Anywhoo, read this and hear the cute birds chirp and hearts palpatate.

Age is just a number for 15-year-old Miley Cyrus and her 20-year-old beau, Justin Gaston… “He’s a really great Christian guy, which is awesome,” she added about the underwear model.

OK, I’m not great at math, but let me try to add this up. 15… away from 20… carry the one… hold the mayo… and let’s see… uh… that’s it! A federal conviction!

Are you kidding me?! Equally yoked or not, who is the scrambled fool allowing this to happen. Oh yeah, him.

Well, while Billy Ray is dealing with Miley’s own achy breaky heart, will someone please bother to tell Dad here that fame shouldn’t be a line of demarcation against the law.

If this tool was really a “great Christian guy”, he would pay more attention to obeying the laws of this land, and less about the laying of hands. Maybe it’s just because I have a lil’ Wall Watcher who is lovely in her own right or perhaps it’s because most men are pigs, but no algebraic logarithm would make this acceptable in my book.

Then again, what do I know? I’m just some dude and not permitted to enjoy the “Best of Both Worlds.” Ah well, back to reality. HA!

Jesus joins “Rock Band”

Is that goofball game, “Rock Band” worth a Class B misdemeanor?! Maybe.

Is it worth breaking into a church to just jam, like noted here in FOX News? You bet your unsanctified behind. Where’s my lighter? Oh yeah, a pastor told me smoking wasn’t a good idea in church.

Anywhoo. Rock on, King of Kings!

Billy Graham: Not even he could raise this dead thing

Go see my movie!

For a few months on the Wall, we have been fancing another sport HiScrivener fancies – movie watching. Among them has been a weakness of mine, biopics. And of that, another weakness of mine, Billy Graham.

So, some tool is making an unauthorized movie of the great evangelist, and like most inventions without a patent, it has landed flat on its movie reel face.

Billy: The Early Years, directed by former teen-heartthrob actor Robby Benson, grossed an estimated $199,938 from 282 locations, an average of $709 per screen, according to Variety.

700 BUCKS per screen. That’s it. Bubkus! Typically, I would spray WD-40 on my knees and creak upon my soapbox to harangue about the Body of Christ not supporting its own, not promoting its play and not upholding its greatest mouthpiece. BUT… it’s not their fault. It’s the former “Tiger Beat” cover boy!

Name the Jesus flick recently – “Prince of Egypt”, “The Omega Code”, “Passion of the Christ”, “Facing the Giants” and now “Fireproof.” They all had a face, a name and a flippin’ marketing game plan! Just because Billy Graham has the Batphone for God, doesn’t mean the movie was entitled to be a success. As I have noted many times about my dear career, even Billy Graham has a PR man… who happens to dabble a little in movie promotions.

Maybe Robby Benson should have read the want ads in that magazine. He may have come across a phone number for a publicist or two or three. I’m just sayin’.