Whale of a Ride: The Exodus gets another Genesis

Bible Park USA.

Well, well, it sure has been a long saga with plenty of pause in-between. Let’s recap this ironic journey through the desert (in Nashville, but what’s the big deal over geography anyway).

1. Bible Park USA finds a home in the bursting metropolis of Murfreesboro, Tenn., but it seemed there was also a great rainforest to protect there as well. Maybe that was outside the Jack Daniels distillery. News at 11.
2. One of the main investors in this CHRISTIAN THEME PARK was a photographer for Penthouse. Nothing smacks of Jesus like a great testimony. Well, doesn’t it? Anybody?
3. The exodus of God’s people (at least the wannabe staff of BPUSA) splits Murfreesboro en route across some puddle on the highway to the next county of Wilson to the ironic city of Lebanon. Hmmm, maybe they can build a treehouse in a bunch of cedars. You know, endear yourself to the locals.

And now, we have this story from the Christian Post: the $175 million Bible-themed park has a permanent home despite protest, people or even Penthouse. The city known for another god in the Middle East will become the “MECCA” of Christian entertainment. (WOW, Somebody stop me!)

The “edutainment” theme park that boasts a mixed offering of education and entertainment through visual exhibits of Bible stories from both the Old and New Testaments will be located 30 minutes from downtown Nashville.

Some of the featured attractions will include a Bible Land Fly-Through indoor ride, an indoor Exodus Experience featuring the parting of the Red Sea with high-tech standing 25-foot waves and image projection, recording studios for church choirs and a recreation of Noah’s Ark, according to Bible Park USA’s Web site.

Just one thing: That uh, “Exodus Experience“. Let’s just make sure the line to get on the ride doesn’t last 40 days. If so, you may get some nasty reviews and no repeat guests. I’m just sayin’.

MOVE 2008: The WWJD argument gone horribly wrong

“What would Jesus do?”

What began as kitschy marketing has become the ubiquitous age-old question to folk ever caught in a bind and need to know which way blessings cometh. And now, thanks to Patrick J. Mahoney of the Christian Defense Coalition, “WWJD” has reached the end of its effectiveness.

Evidently, Barack Obama had yet another fundraising event of the stars where A PLATE went for the paltry price of $28,500. Puh-lease, when was the last time you had a badly cooked steak for 30 LARGE?! Last week? Yeah, me too.

So while the throngs of Hollywood fill private rooms with angst and douchebaggery headlined by Babs Streisand, according to Rev. Mahoney’s press release (which is actually an unskilled man’s way of writing an editorial who can’t get it into newspapers):

“It is absolutely shameful and disgraceful, that while millions of people are struggling to keep a roof over their heads and thousands in Texas and Louisiana actually have no roofs over their heads, Senator Obama is holding this $28,000 per plate fundraiser in Beverly Hills.  This is a slap in the face to every struggling American during these challenging financial times and shows how out of touch Senator Obama is.“

Well, of course it is. But then again, how much money do you think the McCain-Palin campaign has earned by holding neighborhood tea parties or selling girl scout cookies? Come on with the double standards, brother? Don’t get me wrong. I think these “fund raisers” are absolutely inane, but then again, it’s a necessary evil to get elected.

If people in this country truly cared more about their vote rather than the personality of the presidential candidates (or Veeps), we would know THE ISSUES AND WHERE THEY STAND ON THEM. But since we are so easily swayed by direct mail campaigns, spawning commercials and on-air hate fests, I suppose raising more cash than what you would earn at a garage sale may work once in a while to stay on TV.

MEMO to Rev. Pat: Once Captain Hollywood – or McCain for that matter – gets into office, these top-tier fund raisers will continue, as will your propensity for these er, ‘press releases’. Heck, it’s five years of these smoke-filled rooms of upper crust that has enabled Barack Obama to get this far. But hey, a presidential candidate has got to eat, right? Well, that and pay for commercial ads filled with vitriol.

The Inconvenient Truth, no really.

A while back, former Veep and presidential candidate, Al Gore took the world by storm with his love of the environment (and a slight bit of hatred for the Republican agenda) with his nobel-prize winning movie, “An Inconvenient Truth.”

And as much as the film seemed to be a Gore informercial, it got people thinking. But who knew espousing a hope to rid ourselves from oil dependency and harnessing responsibility for the earth would affect national BIBLE PUBLICATION?!

Well, it did, as seen here in Christian Today.

The Green Bible, produced by Harper Collins publishers, is due for release on 7 October and highlights in green, soy-based ink, more than 1,000 references, verses and passages related to the earth. It features essays from a number of leading theologians, including Bible Society President Bishop Tom Wright. “It highlights unmistakeably that, when it comes to caring for the environment, God got their [sic] first. Sustainable lifestyles and caring for the ecosystem are not just topics that politicians are talking about now. These are issues that God has put on our hearts.”

You get that, Greenpeace? “God got there first.” Despite what the legions of liberals (NOT Democrats) believe, that sentiment is true as seen in the book of Genesis. We are supposed to have “dominion over all the earth.” Right? Question: How’s that working out?

I mean, how many fast food wrappers do you see hurled out of cars featuring an ichthus? What about churches that bash the democratic agenda and “global warming”… er, I guess its called “climate change” now?! I mean, of course they are passionate about little facts and their angst over ANWAR is more over politicians and much less abut policy. I get that. But at least they are vocieferously doing something. What are pastors doing? By and large, asking their congregations to pray for the earth. Meanwhile, there are no recycling bins outside and a whole bunch of bottled water hanging out in greenrooms backstage.

I seem to remember something about “faith without works is” something. Ah, what’s that word again? Hmmm… well, if a “Green Bible” is what it takes, then so be it. Or would that be, “Amen”?! Oh well, it’s all Greek to me.

MOVE 2008: What does Obama and bad preachers have in common?

Talk about a $25,000 question!

So loaded, so varied and so cryptic. So, what’s the answer? They both are committed to making tons of cash off weak-minded, knobby-kneed, caspar milquetoast Christians. Bah-dum-dum!

Don’t believe me? Have you been e-Shopping on his Web site lately? If not, check out the picture and this fun story from a fav-o-link of HiScrivener’s: God’s Politics, and this excerpt from the laudatory e-mail from his campaign:

Great news! We now have faith merchandise available for you to show your support for Barack Obama as a person of faith.

Who needs an ichthus these days? Folk think Obama could be the Messiah anyway, so I suppose a kitschy bumper sticker with some cheeseball, alliterative moniker plastered on it is just as good. What’s wonderfully transparent is the latter sentence in said e-mail:

We’ll soon be rolling out merchandise for other religious groups and denominations, but I wanted to get this out to you without delay.

Now, for those who don’t speak marketing or PR, here’s the translation: We wanted to slam the news with our most effective faith-based advertising, but just in case there are some alienated Muslims, Buddhists, Satanists, Wiccans and Mormons out there waiting to vote for the Second Coming, your sticker is-a-comin’.

Don’t stop there, big guy. You are just getting started with the sellout of America. Let’s see:

• Rockin’ the reefer with Rastafarians
• Hey Scientologists, he hates psychatrists too
• MCC followers, we love change as well. Be it high-heels, drag or make-up.
• Hey McCain, baptize this
• Mennonites get Ob-Amish

Excuse me, all. My phone is ringing. It’s my agent. I have a feeling I’m about to make some “change” (ROCK ME!)

In Houston, faith with works is alive and well

Every so often, there is a story that unites a community and destroy all preconceptions about the Church, if only for a while. This is that story – and would you believe, it features Joel Osteen, who could stand to use some good press.

In case you aren’t a big Weather Channel fan, Houston was pummeled by Hurricane Ike causing MILLIONS of people to lose power, property and a slew of personal faith. Just think about it: They were praying for help and protection, and BAM! Ike slams the city and folk have no light… and some, no hope.

Enter two of the largest churches in the Southwest – Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church and Steve Riggle’s Grace Community Church, who filled parking lots with a supply line of free water, MREs (military pre-packaged food), supplies and a truck load of hope. Say what you want about milquetoast pablum. When you put arms, legs and a face on the Word of God, it works every time.

“Our motto has been put supplies in their car, a smile on their faith and hope in their heart, that’s what we’re trying to do,” said church volunteer Jeffrey Lowery. “Hopefully in a month or so this is going to pass and things will get back to normal and we can do better things in the days ahead,” said Joel Osteen.

It may take longer than a month, but you keep putting the Bible into action, and a semblance of normalcy is just why they have been praying. Good on ya’, Pastors.

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