Latest victim of the energy crisis, God?

Whew! It is hot out here.

Yeah, poor dear sweet Almighty.

Evidently, times are tough and air conditioning bills are so exorbidant that God got a little looney, appeared in a New Jersey high school and got butt naked.

Don’t believe me? Welcome to the now hallowed Ewing High School in Mercer County.

As the story goes, some delusional tool named Jovan [as in musk] Ramos walked into the school shortly after lunch, ran into the gymnasium and rocked it like a hurricane. And oh yeah, he called himself, “God.”

Stay classy, bro.

“He proceeded to rip his shirt off and then take his pants off,” [Ramos’ classmate, Jordan] Washington explained. “At that point, this bizarre behavior — him ripping his shirt off — he was making comment of a religious nature, the teachers knew that the situation was not good,” Detective Anthony Messina of the Ewing Township Police Department said. “Comments like he was Jehovah and that this was his house.”

In a lovely story like this, I would be remiss not to find the best quote, which hails from the aforementioned Detective Messina:

“There was no type of weapon that was ever mentioned, shown or seen,” Det. Messina said.

Quick hit, Wall Watchers. He was naked and I’ll bet the A/C was on. That’s all I’m saying. Just sad commentary for the young creator that could. He best hope his next girlfriend doesn’t know what Google is.

Carlos Santana’s faith: Oye Como Va

Full disclosure: HiScrivener loves him some tunage, good music back before wailing and screaming sold iTunes. Among those bluesy winsome selections of mine, some of Carlos Santana’s are a Top 100 all-time.

So, who cares? We are here to discuss faith, religion and mainstream news. Easy now. I’m getting there…

However, his personal faith has had more past-life experiences than Shirley MacLaine. In the 70s, he was heavy into meditation (TM). In the 80s, he got more in touch with those Catholic roots of his. In the 90s, well… Santana got “Supernatural” and reignited his illustrious career.

So now? Well, according to this story in Rolling Stone, Santana wants to throw down the guitar, pick up a crucifix and become a priest. Well, kinda.

“I’m going to stop playing when I’m 67 and work on what I really want to do, which is to be a minister, like Little Richard,” he says. “I’m not sick of what I do, but I find that God gave me the gift of communication even without my guitar and with the ability to get people unstuck with certain sections of the Bible having to do with guilt, shame, judgment and fear.”

Commendable, and completely surprising, right? Hold that thought…

“It’s like my manager Bill Graham once said to me: ‘Carlos, you have to accept that your music is very sensual and stop apologizing for it. People want to have sex to your music, and that’s just the way that it is.’ And once I accepted that, I wasn’t so much in conflict with my Catholic upbringing and thinking it was dirty or against God to have an erection.“

He had me in his pulpit right until the very end.

Some people are called to do certain things, and I’m afraid pulpiteering may not be for this smooth Gibson-playing, Mesa boogie-amplifying virtuoso. Sure, he can “minister” to anyone, but stay outside the church, hermano.

MEMO to the man of the Wah Wah: If you fancy a journey of faith, take it personally. Do not assume just because you have achieved a sense of enlightenment through music, that you can minister that mess to other impressionable folk. Eh-hem…ready?

Those are “Evil Ways”. You can’t throw out an “Open Invitation” to any “Black Magic Woman” and presume you will be “Winning” her soul. To be a sentinel for Christ, it takes “No One to Depend On” but God for faith, inspiration and fortitude. Because, trust me, if your words are not grounded in the Word of God, you’ll find that “She’s Not There” and you just committed a “Soul Sacrifice.” So, “Se a Cabo,” Carnal.

For those who appreciate his music, that was talent, my friends! Wheeee!

Vatican to create milk cartons with God’s picture

Now, that’s a collector’s item. And you think the cost of milk is ridiculous now, just wait until you get a Polaroid of the Almighty on the side of it.

Too catachrestic for ya’? Just listen to Pope Benedict XVI who advises the millions of people who think God is missing and can’t be found.

Speaking at the Basilica of St Paul Outside the Walls in Rome, the Pope said: “Today, nations once rich in faith and vocations are losing their own identity under the harmful and destructive influence of a certain modern culture. There are those who, after deciding that ‘God is dead’, declare themselves to be ‘god’ and the artisan of their own destiny, the absolute master of the world.”

What’s sad about that comment from the Pontiff is the truth in it. People watch TV and see natural disaster, genocide, famine and economic turmoil, stand in the middle of their living room, stare at the ceiling and shout, “Yo! Where are you, God?!”

Matthew 24:6-8 reads:

You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places.

Even though things have to happen, it doesn’t mean it’s easier to swallow nor comprehend. Although God is ever-present and diligent to secure us, faith is dwindling in everything you can imagine – the government, the Church, the fellow man. Shouldn’t it be simple to deduce that God would be next on that unfortunate list?

A person may be God’s gift, but people stink, you know? Everyone is out for number one before they step in number two. (Yes, that’s a HiScrivener original, but hey, you can use it. Just send some love to the Wall.) But it’s real. And so sad.

So what do we do? Christians can try to begin acting like the children of God they were destined, but you have a lot of bad examples to overcome. Good-hearted people can try “random acts of kindness,” but many folk have issues with trust these days. Preachers can try to do something in the community, because no believes most of you do anything in the church any longer.

Or we can all take a lesson for an old-crumudgeon Jedi, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” Let’s get real about God folks. People may realize he is a lot closer than they think if they see examples in person instead of waiting for angels unaware.

Dogs: God’s best friend

First, there were car washes. Next, bake sales. Then, witnessing at the mall. Now, in a long, humdrum line of failed church marketing tactics comes this story from Boston that’s sure to warm the heart and stink up the Church.

Beginning this week, the Pilgrim Congregational Church in North Weymouth, Mass. will offer its exclusive “Woof & Worship” services.

“The idea came to me as I was sitting reading the Bible with my two dogs at my feet,” said the Rev. Rachel Bickford. “Psalm 150 says, ‘Praise the Lord, let everything that breathes, praise the Lord.’ And Psalm 148 reads, ‘Let all wild animals, creeping things and flying birds give God praise.’ “So I thought wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing to let all things praise God together and have families bring their dogs to church.”

While that makes me all warm and fuzzy… oh wait, that’s what I just stepped in on my way to the altar for prayer! Listen, I love my puppy too but seriously?! I have a hard enough time getting her to shut up when my parents come over. Now imagine the poor thing clamoring for prayer. Or better yet, what if she gets baptized in the Holy Ghost? She’ll never shut up!

“This was something I had prayed about and thought about,” Bickford said of opening services to dogs. “Dogs bring such hope in a world where we’re surrounded by such hopelessness. As I’ve gone through my ministry, I’ve noticed how dogs change people’s lives. Studies show they can lower blood pressure. . . . And I thought it would be just so much fun.“

And the first act of holiness and outreach in Rev’s youth group: turning on the DVD and playing “All Dogs go to Heaven.”

Oh save the moans… I could have said, “Lassie, come home.” Oh! Better yet, the next time the church mother in that church catches a blessing, dub her “Old Yeller.” And then, of course, there is the animated portion of the weekly message: some poor deacon lets loose a cat in service to personify the temptation of sin. Quick, someone call PETA!

Amy Winehouse recruited by the Scientology house in the hills

Yeah, uh, good luck with that one

Just another reason to determine that Hollywood’s favorite “religion” is actually a man-made cult that extols the power of a mind over any semblance of faith is this vagarious story from OK! magazine.

I know, I know. Not really a citadel for printed righteousness. Just work with me here…

The UK’s Sunday Mirror says that the singer told friends she was called by a member of the Church of Scientology’s celebrity center in L.A., offering to work with her to get her life together.

If you are saved, the Holy Spirit led you to his presence through peace, his word and the grace of knowing your sins are forgiven. Scientology on the other hand? Ron Hubbard may have written the tasking himself because you have a staff flunkie who spends all day trolling these rags looking for the next voluble celebrity on the verge of a breakdown.

Well, good on ya’ Witling Wonder Boy. You found a doozie here – one so high that going to her concert makes you gain 15 pounds thanks to the munchies and an adoring hubby who has a lovely chateau in prison for popping pills like I do Starburst on an evening binge.

She’s in need of a blessing and a saving all right. However, that deliverance equates more humanism and getting transported into warp speed for Theology 101 is not how she will get it. Stick around. You’ll see. Next up, Kabbalah. And you have seen how well that did for Madonna, eh?