Wanna leave Scientology? Tom Cruise would like to beat you now.

Cult [kuhlt] – noun – an instance of great veneration of a person, ideal, or thing, esp. as manifested by a body of admirers: the physical fitness cult; a religion or sect considered to be false, unorthodox, or extremist, with members often living outside of conventional society under the direction of a charismatic leader.

Often, this is the magic word reserved some of the most dastardly organizations and diabolical people to come in contact with the Body of Christ. Often, this is the word reserved for L. Ron Hubbard’s concoction, Scientology.

And for its most wide-mouthed, dimwitted focal point, Tom Cruise? He gets the booby prize for stirring the pitchers of Kool Aid. No one hearts Thetans like this dude, and according to this story by the N.Y. Daily News, he is willing to abuse the living @#$%… er, fight you for it.

A former high-ranking Scientologist official says he “documented” that church leader David Miscavige once asserted that Cruise would lend his “Top Gun” muscle to do just that. Marty Rathbun, once one of Miscavige’s most trusted lieutenants, tells us he has a witness who can corroborate his account of a bloody beating at the church’s 500-acre compound in Hemet, Calif. Furthermore, he’s brought it to the attention of Cruise’s attorney, Bert Fields.

In a previous – what appears to be prophetic – tag on the Wall, we noted Cruise was “America’s favorite couch-jumpin’, no-Prozac-takin’, psychiatrist-hatin’, vertically-challenged havin’ basket case, Tom Cruise, is now the “Godfather” of Scientology.”

Guess what? If you got something to say about this whacked-out humanistic drivel, all five-foot-nothing of Maverick will spike a volleyball down your gullet (that is, if poor guy can find a net low enough).

Apparently, for those dolts who have forgotten their way across the “Bridge to Total Freedom” (and their credit card), the kooks in the Hollywood Hills have something called “The Hole,” a prison of sorts in the national headquarters. And it’s there where Cruise learned to act the part of his movie, “Valkyrie.”

Miscavige said that Tom … had vowed to come to the Hole and personally ‘beat the living [bleep]’ out of Yager, Leserve and Mithoff [three insubordinate officials who are a skosh too lenient about folk thinking L. Ron Hubbard was a tool] if the managers failed to do so themselves.

Well, that’s one way to witness. Demented and sad, but it’ll do.

It amazes me the mind-melding these D-bags in Hollywood undergo to be so blindly devoted to a man who simply wanted to make a quick buck [note picture]. Hubbard writes a book to bash modern psychology and then, he gets an epiphany.

“If I make this a non-profit organization, I may get a tax break on these simpletons who buy my book. Brilliant!” And so, Scientology was born and Hubbard gets rich.

The guy has been dead a few years, but that doesn’t stop his drivel playing the tunes of the Pied Piper. And evidently, Tom Cruise blows it the hardest. And it’s not like Scientology is some “offer folk can’t refuse.” This is nothing more than a Ponzi scheme on crack.

The only truth you get out of Scientology is the truth you put into it. If you want to see what you end up worshiping, that would be that collagen-filled, botox-riddled muttonhead staring back at you in the mirror. And just because your mirror is gold-encrusted and bedazzled and I got mine from Wal-Mart doesn’t mean the image is any worse than you.

We are all flawed humans in need of a Savior. We are all twisted people in need of divine truth. We are all damned for hell in need of Jesus.

So, whether it takes an isolated biblical verse or someone draping his MMA gloves, one day we will all accept one religion or another. Which one is totally up to you, but anything called “The Hole” is definitely a place I know I won’t find my religion.

However, when I heard about Tom and his panache for a Napoleon syndrome, I thought of another verse:

There are people in this world who go about demanding to be killed. You must have noticed them. They quarrel in gambling games. They jump out of their automobiles in a rage. They humiliate and bully people whose capabilities they do not know. These are people who wander through the world shouting, kill me. And there’s always someone ready to oblige to them. (Vito Corleone, “The Godfather”)

Man, these two things really are mirror images of each other, aren’t they?

Tom Cruise’s little Thetan goes to a Catholic school

What class would look like in a Scientology Pre-K.

You know you’re in Hollywood when the movie stars stop making headlines for their film reviews and start getting the media’s attention for being stupid, raging against politicians and having convoluted religious beliefs.

And greeting us at the gates to the sexually perplexed and ecumenically devoid would be America’s fabled door attendant, Tom “Captain Scientology” Cruise.

Walking into his fabled kingdom of the criminally insane, we discover his wife Katie Holmes who has been shacked away from the world and tending to the spiritual love child of Dianetics named Suri.

Suri was destined to become yet another immortal soul being who people wanted to hurl off the “Bridge of Total Freedom” because she was so crazed with Thetan thinking, but thanks to young Katie, there may be hope in the form of Papal intervention.

According to the Daily Mail (UK), Katie decided to undergo her own “Mission Impossible” and enroll baby Suri in some fru-fru Catholic school, Catholic Charities Yawkey Centre For Early Education And Learning in Boston, Massachusetts.

“Katie has been listening to her parents who are devout Catholics,” I’m told [the reporter by the ubiquitious, money-grubbing sources]. “She is not convinced by Scientology and has told Tom that she wants Suri to be educated as a Catholic – as she was. They had been having huge problems agreeing on her school. To say they were having arguments is putting it mildly – but Tom came around to the idea in the end.”

The article also mentions that Tom is on a movie shoot. Hrm.

So, is this necessarily of story of brazen faith and coming back to the Church, or just some spineless jellyfish move of a scorned woman taking advantage of her hubby out of town for six months?!

I would say Katie is so emotionally scarred that she is in need of a psychiatrist, but hey… we all know that’s got a snowball’s chance in hell of happening in Tommy’s kingdom, right?

Scientology spin control and bullies e-mailing me with accusations of slander in 3… 2… 1…

L. Ron Hubbub online

Although Hollywood darlings like Tom Cruise and John Travolta have much clout, money and enough nuts in their shop to make a mechanic envious, it seems they can’t shove Wikipedia around.

According to the Los Angeles Times, although Wikipedia is edited by John Q. Public, they have clamped down the “bridge to total freedom” to the purveyors of public knowledge known as the Church of Scientology.

Look! It's "Attack of the Beautiful People"

It seems the gaggle of Thetans who while on course to take over the planet and find their alien God wants to edit the Internet Encyclopedia to have a “pro-Scientology” stance. You know, as if there wasn’t enough persuasive mudslinging out there on the Web.

So, come on… let’s put a hand over our hearts and bring up the Constitution. In 3…2…1…

The decision made last week has generated an outcry among some bloggers who worry that Wikipedia, the eighth-most-popular site on the Web, is stifling free speech. But the process is routine. Wikipedia may pride itself as a beacon of online egalitarianism, but it bans hundreds of users each day.

Put to be fair, it seems the acclaimed Web site has been giving the Wiki-Heisman to many more groups of social consciousness, like uh, politicians.

In 2006, Wikipedia temporarily blocked certain Capitol Hill Web addresses when it was revealed that congressional aides had been deleting references to unmet campaign promises. This year, bloggers alleged that the site blocked computers at the Justice Department for removing references to certain terrorist groups.

Just spreading around the love, I suppose, but the Church of Scientology have not been following its own “way to happiness” through stress tests because this cyber shut down has irked them quite a bit as they have been at this for quite a while, thanks to Wired.com:

The case, which began in December, centers on more than 400 articles about the ultra-secretive Church and its members. Those pages have hosted long-running, fierce edit wars that pitted organized Church of Scientology editors — using multiple accounts — against critics of Scientology who fought those changes by citing their own or one another’s self-published material. In fact, this is the fourth Wikipedia arbitration case concerning Scientology in as many years.

So, while the loons… er, religious aficiandos at Dianetics, Inc. are busy trooling the Net for some fish to catch, they are also exercising their muscles to get people fired, specifically entertainment journalist on FOXNews.com, Roger Friedman.

Last August, Friedman went to Memphis for the funeral of his friend and R&B legend Isaac Hayes, who was a Scientologist. Preston was also in town for the funeral. Friedman tells us [NY Daily News] that when Preston saw him at the Peabody Hotel, Mrs. John Travolta loudly blasted him for his columns criticizing Scientology. “She called me a ‘religious bigot,’  ” Friedman recalls.

According to “Mrs. Travolta” (nice), Friedman has been on a campaign the recent string of flops created by Mr. “Jerry Maguire” (note lovely demotivational poster). And, according to Friedman, Rupert Murdoch canned him under false pretenses. Naturally, Preston says he’s more than a bigot, but a liar too.

That’s nice. Looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner in the Hollywood Hills… at least those who can afford the cover charge.

Now, for a dose of rich irony for all the L. Ron Hullabaloos: Did you know in1901, Allen Upward coined “Scientology” “as a disparaging term to indicate a blind, unthinking acceptance of scientific doctrine” according to the Internet Sacred Text Archive as quoted in the preface to Forgotten Books’ recent edition of Upward’s book, The New Word: On the meaning of the word Idealist.

What’s the source? Wikipedia. Keep it classy, beautiful people.

Bart Simpson and Tom Cruise are BFFs. Doh!

This story from Religion News Blog is not only whimiscally written but unbelievable to read.

It seems there is a big networking, glad-handing soiree called the “Scientology Flag World Tour,” which of course will be held in the nestling bosom of the Hollywood Hills.

Anyone remember being a Cub Scout and then an uncomfortably named, “Webelos”? Before you are ready to become a Boy Scout, you perform a ceremony where you receive the “Arrow of Light”, cross a bridge (supposedly into manhood) and ta-dah, dawn the khakis.

OK, now that you have the visual…

The Scientologists took on that ceremony – only a bit more cultish, a lot more secretive and just flat-out weird. Evidently, the “Flag Tour” is nothing more than a membership drive for those who are just enamored by the Hollywood celebs acting like they go to church, and allows them to get really baked and brainwashed.

So, they need a recruiter. Someone to spark an interest in the feeble-minded. A notable celebrity, but who… [cue harp music and click play]

Yeppers. That’s Nancy Cartwright, voice of Bart and all-around dunderhead shilling for Scientology over the phone and online.

When the message leaked out on the internet yesterday, Ms Cartwright’s bosses at The Simpsons had — as Bart might say — a cow. Although the details of the actor’s contract are not known, it is thought that the copyright of Bart’s voice is owned by Twentieth Century Fox, part of News Corporation, parent company of The Times, and therefore cannot be used without permission.

She is trying to get folk on the Dianetic mailing list interest in going through the study and ritual of becoming an Operating Thetan VII (which she, Tomcat and Travolta is), and can “operate independently of her body.” Yeah, Dianetics. It really is science… FICTION!

Tom Cruise: Scientology helps you stop believing in Dog

Jumping on couches. Arguing about Zoloft. Making his betrothed vanish like a fart in the wind. Laughing because Katie Holmes face is on milk cartons. All this is a day in the life for Scientology’s Superman, Tom Cruise.

Brought to you by the Church of Scientology

And now we have this bizarre claim seen on WOW News Times Online in the UK:

He [Tom Cruise] told a Spanish magazine that the teachings of Ron L Hubbard, the founder of Scientology, helped him overcome reading difficulties deriving from dyslexia.

Ain’t that sweet. But the issue is seeing how this cultish tomfoolery is based on humanism, there is absolutely no room for divine intervention… so where was the healing? Did Ronnie boy invent Hooked on Scientology Phonics? What? He sat down with you on his lap and taught you to read See Pug Run?

When I graduated from high school in 1980 I was functionally illiterate,” he said. “Nobody gave me a solution and I wanted to know why the system had failed. Finally, as an adult I learned to read perfectly through the method of (Scientology’s late founder) L. Ron Hubbard,” Cruise confesses.

This may be a little deep, but how fun would it be to give a young “Risky Business” Tom Cruise, battling with a little reading disorder and some twit hands him a page full of palindromes. You know, hand him a fictional script reading something like this in italics:

It’s 8:02 p.m., February 20, 2002 (20:02, 02/20 2002), and I see Bob on radar driving a Honda Civic. He brakes shouting, “Was it a rat I saw?” WHEW! “I shall step on no pets,” he thinks while singing Yoko Ono and whistling about a redivider. You see, he was stressed about desserts. Then someone shouted, “Yo! Banana Boy!” Bob turned, apologized and shouted an S.O.S., “Was it a car or a cat I saw?” Who cares. “Red rum sir is murder.”

Man! I read perfectly and that confused the heck out of me. Good times, Hubbard. Decipher that – words and phrases. Enjoy.