Bishop Thomas Weeks is “The Biggest Loser”

Uh, yeah! How is that working out anyway?

Due respect to NBC and the weight-watching wunderkin, the headline fits and HiScrivener stands by it. 🙂

Why? Because this sanctimonius schlemiel has decided that although his heralded second marriage to Juanita Bynum didn’t work out too well, “Bishop” Thomas Weeks has decided to live up to his surname once again.

How? Despite all the confirmed wife-beating, rumors of “playing for the other team”, adultery while in the pulpit, going to jail for a parking lot brawl, writing a book about all this tomfoolery, a disgruntled ex airing your dirty laundry on national TV and farce of a relationship, he’s baaaaack.

Mr. Weeks has decided to get back on his bike for a paper route, throw out his resume in hopes of landing another (HIS THIRD) unsuspecting wife to sweep off her feet – via the miracle of a REALITY SHOW“!

Only in America, and ONLY in the world of megachurches, could this happen… and what a nicer guy too.

Weeks will document his effort to open his heart to love again in 10 streaming video “Web Episodes” of his reality show “WHO WILL BE THE NEXT MRS. WEEKS,” which airs at noon Tuesday on his Web site http://www.bishopweeks.com. The idea came after Weeks was flooded with thousands of e-mails and letters from people offering advice about what to look for in his third wife. Some even offered to be his wife.

Are you serious?! This bow-tie wearing, wife-beating, fake press conference-having charlatan didn’t learn enough after he took on his vows with the TBN-televised pseudo-reality wedding with his televangelist bethrothed? Evidently not.

The group [Thomas Weeks’ uh, aides] concludes the woman should be at least 25 years old but “with special exemptions for 21 and up if they are classy,” Weeks said. She also must want to have children with him. “This woman has to be very discerning, and very intimate, and very social and very sensual,” Weeks says, laughing. “And on the ministry side she has to be very diverse. She can’t be ugly. She has to be easy on the eyes.“

Stay classy, you dunderhead.

So, what’s worse? The fact that this fool thinks he can put the televised abusing past behind him and laugh in the face of Christianity or these hapless hos (Come on. Like you weren’t thinking that) will stand in line at a chance to get 15 minutes of fame and 15 whatever of catching a beatdown as the next Mrs. Weeks?!

“What kind of advice would you give me about the new Mrs. Weeks?” he asks on a Web site promo of the episode. “We will probably find in due time who is that perfect woman for me,” Weeks says. “This time I’m not going to limit it just to the local church … It’s a global ministry. We’ve got to have a global search.”

If you mean, “global” as in the entire throng of media (general, viral and social) blowing up typing feverishly in uncontrollable laughter for posts about your next cover up as you enjoy life on the down-low… er, conquest as you keep “lookin’ for love in all the wrong places,” then yes, it’s certainly global!

And don’t expect Juanita Bynum to have a comment. Why would she? The girl is having a hard enough time maintaining her image and rebuilding her once-acclaimed ministry. The last thing she needs is a “global” sound bite about this reality-show fiasco.

Well, now that you are “The Bachelor,” enjoy this “Amazing Race.” Oh sure, you will never be known as an “American Idol” and this hunt will do everything but give your tarnished image an “Extreme Makeover,” but who knows? Maybe, just maybe, the next “Survivor” of your stunt will actually become “The Mole” and your narrow behind will end up on the great progeniator of all reality shows, “COPS”.

Texas High School Mom, “I see death people”

The human senses are a funny thing. Take an object – any object. Put 10 people in a room. All will have a different scent, vision, touch and taste of that thing. Why?! Answer: The senses are all attached to the human mind.

And according to Nadra Arnold-Curry of Fort Worth, Texas; her mind is full of too many horror movies or so much legalism brainwash that I could rinse my dishes in her ears. Get this:

“I’ve started a big stink, evidently, in Granbury,” said Nadra Arnold-Curry, who spoke up at a recent Hood County Commissioners Court meeting to register her disapproval of the black flags distributed by the Touchdown Club football boosters. “I appreciate our teams and coaches, too. But I have to stand up for my biblical convictions.”

The 39-year Granbury resident branded the flags “satanic” and warned that the city could be risking “the wrath of God” by flaunting them.

And why? See the picture? That’s right. There is no ‘Roger’ around this chic getting his ‘jollies’. You see, the name of the high school and respective mascot is the Granbury High School Pirates, so suffice to say, a flag with hearts and white doves wouldn’t strike the same impression for the opposing football team.

So while homegirl is making life VERY DIFFICULT for her son, currently on the JV team, she is still complaining to anyone that will listen about the “flag of death” and using the Bible as her pedestal.

“It’s all fairly comical, in my opinion,” said Don Titus, president of the booster club, which bought about 200 of the fearsome flags to rally community support on game weekends

MEMO to the paranoid woman with three names: I don’t think Don Titus was commenting on your thoughts of the pirate flag and the sardonic mascot. He was probably discussing your faith, and what a great witness that is amounting to right about now. Keep it classy.

Cross Eyed: Jesus Christ, Lizard Man

OK, OK, so this isn’t video evangelism but I found it interesting, thanks to a brief insomniac attack last night and watching the National Geographic channel.

Meet Basiliscus basiliscus, otherwise known as the Basilisk Lizard. Other than being a cute, slimy creature that would look great in my lil’ Wall Watcher’s aquarium, he has a unique talent that provides him with a sacrosanct pseudonym: The Jesus Lizard.

Go to :49 of this video and discover why this is a reptile that should come with its cult.

Gospel Today gets no tomorrow in Christian bookstores

For a religion that is persecuted around the world and forbidden its own freedoms in America, Christianity’s “governing bodies” has a terrible way of keeping an open mind.

Here is an act of malice and arrogance perpetrated against a respected national Christian publication by none other than… the Good Ol’ Boys Club… er, the Southern Baptist Convention, as told by the Atlanta Journal Constitution.

In short, the SBC pulled rank on Lifeway Christian Bookstores and forced its managers to remove this Gospel Today magazine from its shelves. Why? See for yourself. Here’s the cover.

Obviously, this decision tweaked the magazine’s publisher, Teresa Hairston:

“It’s really kind of sad when you have people like [Gov.] Sarah Palin and [Sen.] Hillary Clinton providing encouragement and being role models for women around the world that we have such a divergent opinion about women who are able to be leaders in the church,” Hairston said. “I was pretty shocked.”

What’s shocking is she didn’t see this coming. She is a publisher who signed the contracts that gets her magazine carried in each store. This is not some wayfaring rag. This is a respected publication, so she knew Lifeway is owned by the SBC, an organization known for its vitriol against women in the pulpit. I mean they hate Joyce Meyer too… and that’s heresy to most women I know.

I suppose Teresa Hairston took for granted that whole “Jesus loves all the children” unified body of Christ ballyhoo and published an “emerging trend”. You know, they call that journalism. However, the SBC calls that B.S.

Oh sure, women can go to church, are more than welcome to volunteer with the youth ministry and can even help out with bake sales. But preach?! Kushite, please! The last woman most SBC execs saw in a pulpit were the volunteers dusting it for Sunday service the night before. Regardless of how you feel about a female pastor, or the differences between a woman pastor and a woman evangelist; this story smacks of bigotry. Not the racially-fueled kind, but of the sexist barefoot-and-pregnant kind. Just because a woman writes a story on other women, the “fellas” unite, take a collective puff of their stogies and excommunicate a real story from the newsstands.

You know, if this was a mainstream daily newspaper, a revolt for freedom of the press would ensue so fast, it would make the SBC club remember the days when the wined for mommy. Maybe then, they would all remember the first “preacher” in their lives?! Then again, maybe not.

A Swinging Pittsburgh Church: “It’s Ladies Night!”

I have known many pastors, worked with many more in my day, and I know one irrefutable fact – churches dwindle during the summer months.

Sometimes it’s vacation holiday. Other times it’s flat-out lethargy. Whatever it is, pastors have economic anxiety. In order to combat the summer blues, pastors get every trusted source they can around a table – or a phone – and determine ways to pique interest in the community.

Ideas have been concocted for like advertising ingenue, marketing moxie and grassroots genius. This is NOT one of those times. How can I say this gingerly? Ah, what the hell… here it is verbatim from FOX News.

A Pennsylvania couple is fighting to maintain a church they run from a Huntingdon Township home, which officials say is really a raunchy swingers club where single men have to pay for access but women come for free.

John and Kim Ondrik say they worship nature at the Church for Spiritual Humanism. But midnight mass at the Spiritual Palace is on hold as the Rev. John and his wife fight for a variance to continue practicing their religion in a residential area just outside of Pittsburgh.

And of course by saying they worship nature, they mean getting butt-naked in a pseudo Garden of Eden. That’s close enough to scripture, right?

What twits! And you know if I was a pastor of a uh, church, I would want this kind of uh, member to speak out on my behalf. Take it away, “Dave,” a self-described swinger who paid money to get into this church… er, club:

“You didn’t get in without paying money. If you didn’t pay your money you were going back out the door.” Dave has offered to testify for the township in opposition to Ondrik’s attempt to secure a variance. “At first I was a little amused, but then when I saw him bring in religion and all the lies I saw him conjuring up, it pissed me off,” said Dave.

Hey Dave. You mean to tell me when you heard all that screaming from the back room of “OH GOD,” that wasn’t the first clue a deity could have been mentioned?! You sir, deserve better. Next time you fancy some swinging bacchanalia and free love, get baked and throw in a DVD of Woodstock. However, if you walk into a place that says “CHURCH” on the door, plan on being interrupted with your illegal and immoral activity.

Worst. Church. Ever.