Posts Tagged ‘Thomas Weeks’

The Bible tells us “For we have not a high priest which cannot be touched with the feelings of our infirmities” (Hebrews 4:15 KJV).

Fast forward 6,000 years and I presume that means feeling like we haven’t the time to do anything because we are too preoccupied taking up overtime. You know like running to Starbucks, going to a bible group or even taking 15 minutes to pray.

Huzzah! Fear no more. That whole “I feel you” thinking has got your back because God now has an 800 number. Well, kinda.

Dutch artist Johan van der Dong has set up a local telephone number in the Netherlands, where he urges people to leave messages for God on his answering machine. “Like praying, leaving a voicemail message is a way to organize your thoughts,” he said. “It’s a perfect combination for some contemplation.”

Yeah. Even He has one - a great iAm phone.

Yeah. Even He has one - a great iAm phone.

Well, that’s mighty narcissitic of him, isn’t it?

Call God… at his answering machine?!

What, did Robert Tilton decide to create another ministry fleecing the sheep? Oral and Richard Roberts come out of their sabbatical and witness protection to find another small business venture? Did Thomas Weeks come up with a kitschy new idea for a program on TBN?

You know, ratings and all.

Good thing there is Vonage and cell plans with unlimited long distance. Can you imagine the charges for calling heaven?! And then, what happens if his son answers the phone? What would you say, “Um, hey! Is your Daddy home? I’m hungover and I need to promise him… again… that I’ll never do this if he makes this vicious headache go away.”

“SURE,” the bellowing voice says. “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADYYYYYYYY!!!

So, here’s the REAL (no kidding) phone number:

Callers dialing 06-4424-4901 (or +316-4424-4901 if calling from outside the Netherlands) for the message, “Hi, you are speaking to God. I’m not in right now so leave a message after the beep.”

The man set atop of a hill has belonged to the same church for more than 50 years – First Baptist of Dallas.

I KNOW! Billy Graham has always been known for his Tar Heel ties, so who knew his home church was in the Lone Star State. (PR, anyone? IJS.)

Well, all that is about to change according to the Dallas Morning News.

Mr. Graham joined First Baptist Dallas during his first crusade in the city, held at the Cotton Bowl in 1953. First Baptist Dallas was then led by the Rev. W.A. Criswell, and was widely considered the preeminent church in the Southern Baptist Convention. But the globe-trotting evangelist has never lived in Dallas, and visited the church only rarely through the years.

And there you have the ubiquitous rub.

Sure, Dr. Jeffress (Dallas pastor) is sorry to see his most notable member uproot his church ties closer to home. And yes, Rev. Don Wilton (Carolina pastor) is humbled and honored to accept Billy Graham’s church membership in his twilight years.

But the story behind the story is this is a church has claimed a member who never attended for more than five decades!?

prosperity-gospel-for-dummiesNot that I am going to name any names, but you think this is the mystery behind all those outrageous numbers behind megachurches that claim tens of 1000s of members, all in an effort to keep up with the Osteens… er, the Joneses.

The modus operandi of these miniskries is typically, “If someone attends, fills out a card then they are ‘member emeritus’.Seriously?

What’s the shame in havng 9,500 REAL members of your church? But no! It has to be 25,000 because… why again? You expecting a federal grant and have member requirements? I can go for that, maybe. But if this sheep-on-steroids-counting is for the sheer awe of it all and to validate your fake ecumenical title, then I call B.S.

Just because you are among the privileged to have a prosperous megachurch, doesn’t mean the Gospel is spread any more effectively if you blatantly fudge who is warming your pews.

Which proves the moral of this quaint story: Once again, Billy Graham is teaching us the mysteries of the Church. Well done, sir.

It turns out there is a reason why Thomas Weeks and his sorry excuse for a reality show has never really gotten off the ground on the air – fool has no money!

And now we witness how the mighty nasty have fallen, thanks to this story from Atlanta’s WSB TV. It turns out the man who began his 15 minutes by making Juanita Bynum’s face a pinata, has been turned out himself and booted into the street – bow tie and all. Nice.

Sheriff’s deputies carried out the eviction while a church convocation was in progress at Weeks’ Global Destiny Ministries, with congregation members by his side [editor’s license].

“They have been told to leave the property,” said Stacey Bourbonnais, with the Gwinnett County Sheriff’s Office. “We will secure the building, inventory the property, then sell up to the judgment amount.” Documents filed in state court in Gwinnett County showed Weeks and the church owe $511,842 to the owners of the buildings.

I’m sorry. Did you say this dolt owes the state half-a-million dollars?! Meanwhile, he touts fiscal responsibility to God?! But in a particular typical and slimy fashion, Weeks has a spin for this debacle and a source to blame:

We’re not the only church going through this financial situation,” Weeks said. “At one point, it cost $450,000 a month to run the operation. We resized it to about $110,000 monthly,” he said. “We had several pledges coming in the next couple of days and unfortunately they didn’t arrive so we could go ahead and pay the last of what we needed to pay to stop the process,” he said.

I’m sorry. The sounds of this nation sobbing drowning out your pleas of pity. Did you say all of this mess was someone else’s fault and the fact your pledges didn’t come in? Well, that’s uh, sweet.

And if you didn’t get your fill of laughter from this bow-tied twit, we have this masonry on the Wall, and Exhibit B from appreciated blog of HiScrivener’s, “Character Corner“:

Name your PETA metaphor: A snake shedding its skin. A leopard can change its spots. The sun even shines on a dog’s tail once in a while. Whatever it takes, “Bishop” Thomas Weeks just got the tail pinned on his @$$… er, donkey by Tom Joyner online and on-air… and was unceremoniously trotted out in front of America and depanted, goosed and spanked. Ah, couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

If you have nine minutes out of your day, TAKE THEM NOW thanks to a source from Hot-lanta’s own V103. Much love to some hook-ups there for the link here! You will not be sorry, Wall Watchers. Good times and giggles ahead.

Said Biggest Loser Weeks decides his 15 minutes are ticking away, no one is really taking interest in his online pimp cycle, “Who wants to be the next Mrs. Weeks” and so, he calls a national media outlet to keep himself in the spotlight and try to sell more books.

So this fool decides to call up the “Tom Joyner Morning Show” and to humbly “tell his side of the story” with Juanita Bynum.

What Weeks underestimated was that Tom Joyner (full disclosure: someone HiScrivener knows, have worked with on many occasions and respect a good deal) is much, much smarter than he presumed. You see, the MOMENT Joyner sniffs the manure, he called B.S. Right on, brother! Here are some more lowlights of this hilarious interview:

  • The “reality show” is online… in “template form.” In other words, just another way this dude can lie to his “followers”.
  • Weeks mentions his “tell-all” book about five bajillion times
  • The charlatan denies “hitting” or “abusing” Juanita Bynum. Nevermind the three-year probation for the Class A Felony, all he did was “push her”
  • QUOTE: “I would rather push you now than punch you later”. Joyner bites his tongue in laughter until blood comes out his nose.
  • He is still pimpin’ because he has a Range Rover, as he reminds us about six times
  • The TBN-celebrated, much ado about nothing marriage was just love. So sweet. I wonder if the fellas on the down low agreed.
  • He believes in “urban relationships,” a lil’ slap and a push is OK?! Really?! You ask Ike and Tina Turner about that, you jackleg.

Yeah, yeah. You knew HiScrivener couldn’t leave this one alone.

Hey Weeks. The Church is talking to you!

Hey Weeks. The Church is talking to you!

Any story about the sanctimonius schliemiel, “Bishop” Thomas Weeks, and his lustfuler, entrepreneurialI mean, heartfelt exploits to locate Wifey #3 just had to be a “Brickhouse Series.” So, away we go…

Well, “Bishop” Thomas Weeks’ cracked production crew at the ready, scriptures hi-lited ready to twist and a platoon of security guarding the front door in case his formerly battered bride decided to show up to give him the “Juanita Bynum Once-over.”

But Thomas Weeks’ quest for a cover-up and his uh, reality show “Who Wants to be the Next Mrs. Weeks” was for not, as we see in this article from the Atlanta Journal Constitution.

The first full episode of “Who Will Be the Next Mrs. Weeks” was postponed because of incomplete contract negotiations with a reality television producer. Those who logged onto Tuesday saw what seemed like an infomercial about Weeks instead of the lively conversation about dating featured in the reality show’s promo. “The show was modified due to the fact of ongoing talks with network producers and network stations who are ramped up to do the first Christian reality dating program,” Weeks said.

Dude! This is not some act VH1 is taking on the road. This is you pilfering through the personals for the next girl who will catch a beatdown as you “lay on of hands.” All the while, you will work to maintain and offer CPR to your 15 minutes of fame.

So, on we go with the man currently serving three years probation for ADMITTING TO SPOUSAL ABUSE. (Did I mention that yet)? I don’t know what is more hilarious – the fact that he thinks this is a real “reality show”, or that he believes he can use it to preach?!

‘Who will be the Next Mrs. Weeks’ is an open dialogue for us to talk — good, bad or indifferent,” Weeks said. “You know in the church we really don’t talk about hot topic issues, we bury it. We become silent.”

Does he even realize the mockery he is making of marriage, his church, his members, himself… and oh yeah, his GOD!? Of course he does, and has no regard or shame in the matter. This, Wall Watchers, is called a fraud. The only thing this preaches is a means to an end… and infernal one, if he doesn’t watch his step.

“Hot topics”?! I couldn’t have said it better myself.