Ed Young about to have “fellowship” with the IRS

Just when you thought some megachurch televangelical playas had seen enough of the brethren being shady, sucking their thumb in a fetal position and using hundreds of dollars for tissue – comes Ed Young, Jr.

Eddie is pastor of one of the largest – and most egregious milquetoast – churches in the country, Fellowship Church. He recently made national news (and got to chill with Stephen Colbert) by telling his congregation to have sex for seven days. No mention of differentiation between married couples and those just hooking up, but never mind that now.

Ed has an issue, aside from the fact he rarely mentions Jesus Christ from his production soundstage… er, pulpit, he’s a flawed human who adores what cash can bring him. Yes, his church has five “campuses” – four scattered in North Texas and another in Miami (uh, like that’s not too conspicuous). Yes, he has written a few books. So yes, he deserves to have a salty income – but in this story, it’s $1.24 million. This reeks of pimpdom.

Now, I do understand why some global ministers have private jets… ever seen an actor or an athlete fly coach, much less first class? No, you haven’t because they would get mugged right out of the terminal. People can’t handle fame. They’re dimwits who are attracted to folk who put on their skivvies like anyone else. But because their Fruit of the Looms are scattered on TV and movies, they must be righteous.

Famed preachers are no different. People can’t handle if their favorite global preacher stepped out of Daystar and TBN and off the runway and into their lives, if only for a while. And then there’s this pimp with his starched button down, Zoom-whitened grill and bedazzled jeans. He is no traveling evangelist. He is no global minister. And he apparently is no righteous individual, just flawed like the rest of us.

Only when he flat-out steals millions of dollars, it becomes national news. Enjoy.

more about “Prominent Grapevine pastor linked to …“, posted with vodpod

Elvis and Jesus: Long live the Kings?

Giving at church has been about as flat as, well… attendance in church since the bottom dropped on the national economy. However, when God is alive in your heart, quit is nothing more than a dirty four-letter word.

Just ask Archbishop Dorian Baxter who holds church services in a Royal Canadian Legion Hall as a notable Rock and Roll singer. (Shout out to another brick on the Wall, Bene D the Canuck).

Baxter knew the secret to driving attendance into his hallowed halls – a certified gimmick.

Welcome to Blue Suede Pews (Source: Jim Wilkes | Toronto Star)

And he found one in the most obvious of places – his mirror.

It seems this raven-coiffed, seemingly half-baked son of the 60s shares an obtuse and no-way-close resemblance to a young man named Elvis.

At least that’s what his friends say, but who am I to argue?

I’m sure he gets slammed enough with that shingling he’s rocking around his ears.

Baxter, who also performs as impersonator Elvis Priestley, is quick to point out, the main reason they assemble in the Spartan surroundings of the Royal Canadian Legion hall is to praise God. “We honour Elvis’s commitment to the Lord,” said Baxter, 59… “Like Elvis, the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, we worship Jesus, the King of Kings.”

Church is free and I would pay money to see that tomfoolery.

What’s next? A Christmas message proclaiming when there was no room at the Inn, Mary went to the “Heartbreak Hotel” instead? How about testifying to the omnipresence of God? You’ll never have to cry out “Are You Lonesome Tonight?”

Evidently, the Elvis dedication hour got him in hot holy water with the Bishopric as Baxter was removed from his original parish in 1998. I know what some of you cynical Wall Watchers are thinking, “At least he has a career in Vegas at the local chapel.” Not according to the Anglican parish, he was stripped of his right to perform marriages. How daftly ironic is that?!

Despite the irony and impersonations, Baxter forged ahead glorifying God while sporting his mutton chops and pompadour when he formed the – wait for it – Christ the King, Graceland Independent Anglican Church in 2003.

Obviously, someone is being more than amused by this stage show – it’s more of a blessing. Baxter is exalting God by toasting a peanut butter and banana sammich. Who would have thunk it?

Baxter’s church sponsors a breakfast program, Christmas hampers and 92 orphans. He said he thinks Elvis would have liked that. He’s also made peace with the main body of the Anglican Church, but has rejected offers to rejoin it.

Ah well, God’s word never returns unto him void, we read in Isaiah 55:11. Or would that be “Return to Sender,” I can’t remember.

Jesus turned water into wine, but Arabs are turning it into cash

In case you are new to the Gospel, a couple of things:

1. Welcome! Jesus loves you.
2. Muslims aren’t huge fans of the Jews.

I wouldn't put this past him.

To the latter, I don’t mean as in not carrying a foam finger reading, “There’s only one Savior for me.” It’s more like, “I have hated your guts for 6,000 years. Ishmael is the man and you suck, YHWH dude.”

That is whenever it’s not convenient for a Muslim to become a tour guide for the site of one of Jesus’ most famed miracles. In that case, “Mohammad will show me the money. Praise be to Allah.”

Thanks to the Washington Post, we read about a man who has a truckload of bravery – meet Father Masoud Abu Hatoum.

Yeah, an Arab Christian. You would the circus came to town and he was the elephant jumping through a hoop of fire, but alas, he’s just a man who loves Jesus and business savvy.

In lieu of this economy and what it has done for Holy Land travel, Hatoum has decided to work on some grassroots marketing and keep the young ones from leaving their huts for uptown Nazareth.

After all, that’s where the real sanctimonious action is, right?

Father Masoud Abu Hatoum, nicknamed “the bulldozer” for his enthusiasm, has come up with a few ideas, like re-enacting the New Testament story of Jesus transforming the water for guests at a wedding in the Galilee hamlet of Cana, now this northern Israeli town of Kufr Kana.

What makes Father Bulldozer even more amazing is that the town of Kurf Kana post Arab-Israeli war of 1948 is now populated with 16,000 Muslims and only 4,000 Christians. Yet, there he is – a few credits short of an MBA and it seems, a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

On a recent Sunday, the Roman Catholic service at the stone-and-marble Cana Wedding Church only drew about 20 worshippers, most of them middle-aged. Another couple of dozen turned out at the smoky, dim and ornate Greek Orthodox church nearby in the old village center, where volunteers built a display for stone jars the church says held the water Jesus turned into wine.

That day attracted 40 people. Last summer, he only had 10. Business is booming for this guy. Moreover, this isn’t the only PR stunt up his mocked Nehru sleeves. Check out what he did on Christmas:

For Christmas, Abu Hatoum erected a scaffolding strung with blinking lights around 90 feet (27 eters) high over his church and he billed it the tallest Christmas tree in the Holy Land.

“I would have made it higher,” he said laughing, “but I would have needed a license for that.”

The gimmick was enough to attract an Israeli television crew, and a spot for the priest on local radio, pleasing parishioners who said nobody had expressed interest in their church before.

Will his chicanery be enough to show out the resurrected Christ and show up traffic and people to this dwindling town?

We shall see, but I’ll bet you one thing – as long as he can stand in front of his former cronies singing the praises of Jesus, I would say someone will cross that (bottom) line.

Peace be upon you, Padre.

Cross Eyed: Well, since the Kingdom doth suffer violence…

Our brave men and women need all the inspiration they can muster to fight for us overseas. Some have their family picture in the pocket. Others have voice mails of their loved one on the phone. And even a few believe their selfless act of admiration is being done in the name of God.

Evidently, a company called Trijicon believes that is the case as this one awesome armory that makes hand-crafted guns… with a freshly engraved inscription that is usually a biblical scripture.

Although no one bother to read the serial numbers on semi-automatic machine guns unless they are ne-er-do-wells just out of welding shop looking to wipe off serial numbers, someone complained, according to this story from WOW News’ Religion News Blog.

The Washington-based Council on American-Islamic Relations on Wednesday said the continued use of the sights with the religious references would send a negative message to the Muslim world.

The only message most Americans want sent to THAT Muslim world starts with a Army boot clean in Osama’s behind.

And seriously, how is some dolt from the Taliban going to get that close to one of our guns?! Oh yeah, unless he steals it, which in that case, he deserves to get “delivered.”

I wish I had more to say but the great Stephen Colbert has more… watch both the intro and the following clip. Genius!

more about “Onward Christian Soldiers“, posted with vodpod

Priests on the Internet. Don’t call NBC… yet.

Holy Tweet!

Have you read this story on Yahoo! news? According to the AP, “Pope Benedict XVI has a new commandment for priests struggling to get their message across: ‘Go Forth and Blog.’”

“The spread of multimedia communications and its rich ‘menu of options’ might make us think it sufficient simply to be present on the Web,” but priests are “challenged to proclaim the Gospel by employing the latest generation of audiovisual resources,” he said.

Why the sudden urge to get the penguin nation online? It’s marketing without fear of image. Much less, accountability.

The theme for his annual World Communications Day message, “New Media at the service of the Word,” saluting technology in the service of evangelism, was released Saturday. The event is May 16.

Yoohoo! Someone at the Vatican have a PR team? If not, call a brother because I need to buy a new house, a few cars, some furniture and perhaps have of the West Coast. My papal retainer would be large.

Did anyone within a mile of the Holy See bother to whisper in God’s Bulldog’s ears, “Um, Il Papa. Yes, In nòmine Patris, et Fìlii, et Spìritus Sancti to you too. Listen, we have a problem. I don’t think people are going to take too kindly to you telling priests to troll the Internet. It didn’t go so well last time.”

Some parents warming the pews of your local St. [insert your favorite canonized Catholic dude here] church may not be comfortable with a clarion call for priests to get happy on the IM, create an avatar and type “OMG” with a fiendish grin, as if they said the Lord’s name in vain and can get away with it.

I don’t mind the Pontiff having a YouTube account. I don’t mind the news that Pope B16 wants his homies to get online in droves. He’s serious:

The world of digital communication, with its almost limitless expressive capacity, makes us appreciate all the more Saint Paul’s exclamation: “Woe to me if I do not preach the Gospel.”

That’s a good point. I mean, isn’t that what we are doing online in the first place… or at least one of those places? Elders within the fold see it a wee bit differently:

Monsignor Claudio Maria Celli, who heads the Vatican’s social communications office, said that Benedict’s words aimed to encourage reflection in the church on the positive uses of new media. “That doesn’t mean that (every priest) must open a blog or a Web site. It means that the church and the faithful must engage in this ministry in a digital world,” Celli told reporters. “At some point, a balance will be found.”

“Social communications office.” Who’s this guy think he is? Barack Obama?!

Pope, to quote a noted street prophet, “I ain’t mad at ‘ya.” I only wish you would have considered that same sin God washed away before you assumed everything was squeaky clean.

Kenneth Copeland: The government, the sheep, now the lost

A couple of years ago, Kenneth Copeland made a distinguished list – not the Lamb’s Book of Life, the final 12 on American Idol or even a follower on my Twitter account.

No, after decades of proclaiming faith in that noted southern drawl, he bellowed his way on Sen. Charles Grassley’s list of reprobate televangelists.

Since then, Copeland has nothing but flaunt the hand of God while giving the U.S. Senate’s ranking Republican on the Finance Committee probing into his surreptitious pocketbook the finger. A pentecostal one, nonetheless.

We have heard the litany of ills he has wiped on the face of his followers. We have documented the stories of him fleecing his sheep in order to make the Kashmir sweater “God wanted him to have.”

And now, we have this… he is even stealing from the lost and those who were ravaged by Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. Classy.

According to Rich Vermillion, a former – and scorned, let’s keep it real – minister in Copeland’s fold, we have this national press release, “Kenneth Copeland Accused of Humanitarian Aid Fraud.”

While shilling for his book, Vermillion notes an incident that would even have the nation’s most renowned Pulpit Pimps cashing in their peacock plumb from their silk hats:

The book details the 2005 relief efforts made by Kenneth Copeland Ministries (KCM) in the aftermaths of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, and Copeland’s promises to form a new ongoing aviation humanitarian-relief ministry also called Angel Flight 44 (AF44). However, Rev. Vermillion now says that the aviation ministry was never formed as Copeland pledged: “It is as if Kenneth Copeland had NEVER said such a ministry had ALREADY been formed, nor had repeatedly promised that such an aviation support ministry would be further developed and ready for disasters–such as that which just occurred in Haiti a few days ago.

The release and book discusses Copeland’s oath to raise “several million dollars to build an airplane hangar and buy helicopters, airplanes, food and supplies for Angel Flight 44.” Only one small issue – he never did it.

You think the money came in? Sure it did. Ask Rick Warren how that goes when you pull a lever and look for your congregation to run to the polls.

A better question is you think Copeland gave the truckloads of cash back that was backed up to his hilltop compound? Um, not so much.

In fact, according to Vermillion’s eyewitness account, “the new ministry has not been accounted for [sic].”

I’m quite certain the victims of natural disasters everywhere would like a word with you, little man. Namely considering what the Church – not Pat Robertson’s mousey house is doing – but God’s people are doing for the Haitians.

Home of Santeria, Voodoo and all sorts of diabolical mischief or not, these are people with nothing, children with nowhere to go and families with no food. Yet, here’s Kenneth Copeland flying the friendly skies and cushioning his seat with cash. Your cash.

And we wonder why instead of fellow brothers and sisters lining along the Wall proclaiming the truth of Christ, we have the lost, the hurting and the bitter hurling Molotov Cocktails at these bricks. This mess makes us look terrible, but if “God’s chosen ministers” are full of more crap than a Christmas turkey, who’s to say us Jesus minions aren’t as well?!

MEMO to COPELAND: When the old spiritual sings, “I’ll fly away,” it wasn’t talking …because of guilt or shame. Evidently, you have both while swirling in the clouds. At least you should.

Cross Eyed: Would Jesus Wear a Rolex?

Without hesitation, if you were to ask me, “HiScrivener, what music do you prefer when you need a quick pick-me-up,” I would answer before the first verb came out of your mouth.

Sure, I like some old school hip-hop as much as the next (or even Nu Soul), but that’s not it. I fancy some New Jack Swing to feel good, or even classic soul to get a little chill. I have even been known to throw on “The Eagles Greatest Hits” or anything by Stevie Ray Vaughan when mowing the grass.

However, none of those melodious genres can put a smile on my face and a tap in my step as quickly as Southern Gospel.

Whether it’s something you would hear from the Gaithers or anything when the great Donnie McClurkin is waxing nostalgic on a live CD, praise that name of Jesus and this brother is feeling good.

So, when I visited another brick in the Wall, Wickle, and saw the name “Ray Stevens,” I was so in. Glad I did because although this song is a classic and helped me get my groove on, and the visions in the video are all too familiar, this genius song forces the Church to consider who it is we worship rather than the tools he uses.

(And I meant that as vessels… not dimwits. But eh, a little Freudian slip never hurt anyone.)

Is it robbing God, or just falling on hard times?

Will a man rob God? Yet you have robbed Me! But you say, ‘In what way have we robbed You?’ In tithes and offerings (Malachi 3:8 NKJV).

There isn’t a child of God alive that hasn’t heard this scripture attached to a message on tithing or a capital fundraising campaign. Now, let’s keep the pulpit pimps out of this conversation… this is for the real people doing real stuff for Jesus.

Nonetheless, there seems to be a continued problem with money in today’s churches according to a recent USA Today article.

Citing a national survey by LifeWay research, it seems the Church needs a stimulus package wrapped in swaddling cloths because it ain’t getting it from the people warming the pews:

28% reported raising less money than in 2008.

57% said the poor economy was hurting their church.

70% reported increased requests from people outside their congregation for assistance.

43% budgeted more money to help more needy people.

3% were considering closing down their churches.

Of course, these harrowing statistics don’t include the scheming rallying cries of Rick Warren and Rod Parsley who pleaded for a rapid-fire stimulus package of their own… and got it.

No, these numbers reflect the corner church in your community, the pastor of 40+ years in your neighborhood who loves the Word of God but doesn’t have the benefit of TBN.

In 2009, pleas for cash have rose dramatically while answers for change have decreased at the same rate. Of course, it’s the economy. The question is about the faith side of things though.

“Churches have not yet entered the recovery,” says LifeWay director Ed Stetzer. “Historically, they tend to recover financially when unemployment decreases, usually after the economy as a whole” recovers.

And why is that?

Many, many Christians across the U.S. hear the vitriol of a bill collector on the other side of their phone far more than the comforting, dulcet tones of their pastors. Where do you think their cash goes?

Is that still robbing God or just keeping the lights on?

Full disclosure: I have said before that building this Wall was cathartic for me. I was unemployed for months, with no light at the end of that tunnel. Actually, the only light I could see was a truck speeding toward me to run me over.

Did I tithe? For a few months… and then I bought groceries, paid utilities and made sure my home wasn’t repossessed. Erstwhile was that scripture in Malachi chiming in my head, but I had to believe Jesus knew my heart.

Is it that important to God because I felt guilty?

Crown Financial Ministries says that there are actually about 2,350 verses on finances and possessions in the Bible. That is more verses – more material – than all 13 letters in the New Testament that Paul wrote! God obviously cares about our view of possessions to instruct us that much about it.

So, surely he knows the hearts of all these nameless statistics who want to give, but can’t. Right?

God loves a “cheerful giver,” and how full of glee can you be when your phone is ringing off the hook with ne’er-do-wells looking to collect a check? Not much.

Sure, you may “reap sparingly,” but at least that reaping will come while the heat is still on in the house. Wall Watchers, these numbers got a brother thinking. What are your thoughts?

That insight could be a blessing to many brothers and sisters dealing with this… or are one of those numbers themselves. Peace.

God Sighting of the Month: He was bruised for us, right?

What do aimless drug addicts and senior citizen diabetics have in common? Needles.

Peculiar things really. For the former, they deliver a toxic elixir that bring on delusions of grandeur. Once points pricks the epidermis, the magic carpet ride is swooping in for a take off.

For the latter? It is a necessity that brings life despite what could create death.

It's a bloody miracle (Borrowed from "Metro". Genius.)

Put the examples together and you get Mary Massa of Brandon, Florida, read about in UK’s Metro.

Diabetic Mary Massa… visited her doctor to give two routine blood samples – but was left stunned when she took off her bandage. Mary claims she can see the face of Christ in the bruise left behind by the two needle punctures.

You know, Isaiah 53:5 does read, “He was bruised for our iniquities.“

I suppose this is the best the elderly can do for stigmata? She loses too much of that blood and there goes the day, right?

Mary, now jokingly called “Our Lady of The Hematoma” by her family, brags about shaking hands with the Pope and just couldn’t believe her eyes.

Neither can the rest of us. No worries.

So, that’s why 2012 was such a flop?

Back in 2008, when the marketing machine for the apocalyptic flop, “2012” was in full swing, people were seriously considering the Mayan calendar to be more trustworthy than a Farmer’s Almanac.

Folk circled December 12, 2012 on their calendars as “The End” and planned their early Christmas shopping accordingly.

We spray painted story-after-story on the Wall about it too because of the near-phobic concern some dunderheads began festering in a deified puppy-iguana-really ugly dude named Quetzalcoatl. His “Age of Transition” was nigh upon us, only three years early.

As we know, we are still alive, the Mayans are still yet holding on for three more years and that movie blew. Much.

There will no movie rights for this tool.

And now I understand why… because the world was never meant to end in 2012. It’s 2011, according to this lovely biblical scholar quoted in the San Francisco Chronicle.

[Harold] Camping, 88, has scrutinized the Bible for almost 70 years and says he has developed a mathematical system to interpret prophecies hidden within the Good Book. One night a few years ago, Camping, a civil engineer by trade, crunched the numbers and was stunned at what he’d found: The world will end May 21, 2011.

“Crunched the numbers”?!

Dude, the Bible isn’t the IRS tax code. You can’t take your tattered KJV66 to H&R Block and stress the need for a rapid refund.

Never mind the fact he’s an octogenarian who has his own twisted Da Vinci Code. Ignore the fact he has supposedly been “scruntizing” the Bible for seven decades. And I suppose we can set aside one verse in canon he probably overlooked:

But of that [exact] day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father (Matthew 24:36 AMP).

Why? Because this guy has a formula rooted in numerology (and probably medical marijuana) that would make Ph.Ds in Physics blush:

The number 5, Camping concluded, equals “atonement.” Ten is “completeness.” Seventeen means “heaven.” Camping patiently explained how he reached his conclusion for May 21, 2011.

“Christ hung on the cross April 1, 33 A.D.,” he began. “Now go to April 1 of 2011 A.D., and that’s 1,978 years.”

Camping then multiplied 1,978 by 365.2422 days – the number of days in each solar year, not to be confused with a calendar year.

Next, Camping noted that April 1 to May 21 encompasses 51 days. Add 51 to the sum of previous multiplication total, and it equals 722,500.

Camping realized that (5 x 10 x 17) x (5 x 10 x 17) = 722,500.

Or put into words: (Atonement x Completeness x Heaven), squared.

“Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story,” Camping said. “It’s the story from the time Christ made payment for your sins until you’re completely saved.

Oh, in case you’re wondering, Camping has indeed prophesied Armageddon before. Believe it or not, he was off by just a hair. His date for Doomsday was September 6,1994 and admits he “made a mathematical error.”

Yeah, because Jesus just couldn’t his plan for global destruction through to this guy in algebraic equations on a wet nap.

Nice.

Sharing a cell with a Christian? Bad. Rape? Not so much.

Call me an ascetic Neanderthal who needs to wake up and smell the 21st century. Call me a misanthrope ruffian who needs to learn the word compassion.

Whatever you call me, understand I don’t really care when it comes something called “Prisoners’ Rights.”

For the rare exception of innocent people jailed for crimes they didn’t commit, I pray God weeds every one of those individuals out from their personal bondage and frees them duly in terms of a sizable law suit.

However, for the status quo, these folk lost their rights the moment they took them from someone unaware.

Take this simpleton noted in Great Britain’s The Sun, Barman Steven Relf.

Here’s a nitwit who admittedly raped two women after he probably spiked their drinks in a pub. Admittedly. Ergo, his rights went out of style like parachute pants. Really fast!

There he is, three hots and a cot when suddenly, a man fresh from a jailhouse salvation becomes his bunkmate. His new buddy begins to proselytize about the goodness of God. And that’s when we discover Relf here is an Atheist.

A source said Relf was “furious” at having to share at Manchester Prison with the Christian convict and wanted him to be “evicted”. He said: “He moaned about how the guy wouldn’t shut up about God. He said he wanted to speak to a lawyer about his rights so he could be moved cells.”

And what happens? Relf’s letter made it to the desk of some pencil pusher with the British ACLU and Voila! He’s got a new cell freshly scoured from the remnants of witnessing.

Nice, because convicted rapists deserve all the stylings of a five-star hotel stay. It’s a shame he didn’t keep that cell mate because in prison, he will be crying out to God in some fashion before it’s all over.

That’s not a right. That’s just wrong.

Where were you on New Year’s eve? Jesus was in Vegas.

We’re back. A wheelbarrow full of concrete mix, lots of water and ready to get my masonry game on brick-by-brick on this amazing wall God has allowed us to build over the past year plus.

Although over the HOLY-days, religious news was scanty, I did locate one editorial from AOL’s “Sphere” that tickled my fancy and got my charismatic pants shuckin’ and jivin’.

In case you didn’t take two Tylenol PM on December 31, you may have ventured to a New Years’ Eve party (or two). Perhaps, you heard the hollow-throated Dick Clark on TV (so, so sad)? Either way, if you are an “open-air” street preacher, you would be hard pressed to find more of a bountiful harvest than one of those shindigs, as Steve Friess opines:

Yet these revelers did so both with great amusement and plenty of spite, reactions to a far more incongruous sight for the wildest party Sin City throws each year: A row in the middle of Las Vegas Strip of about 30 evangelical preachers waving gigantic placards warning of eternal damnation for the “porno freaks,” “baby killers,” astrologers, Mormons, Muslims, gays and “so-called Christians” in their midst.

Hell no. You will go. Read my sign. It's about time.

Let’s get this clear: I unequivocally admire street preachers.

I have often exclaimed that anyone can do what a megachurch pastor can do if the spirit is right. You know, the band is playing something smooth, a message has been shared about God’s redemptive power and then out goes the nets.

Trust me, with an atmosphere like that, an Atheist could reel in a fine catch of new souls for the glory of God.

Now, get that blinged out pastor on a dusky-hued street corner mano-y-mano and they become slack jawed troglodytes who can barely stammer their way out of Genesis. If you can win one soul in that situation, you are a pro at this Jesus thing.

That said, here’s my question: Does picketing the lost really do anything but harm to the greater good?

Look at the picture. They are smiling for four reasons:

1. They are completely hammered on boxed wine.
2. They read the signs and think the tools holding them are well… tools.
3. They can’t believe Criss Angel gave them a dollar and made it disappear.
4. Or… all of the above.

Either way, do those signs really plant a seed? I remember the days when I used to roam the streets aimlessly and not one of those signs outside a night club throttled my zeal to go inside and forget they were freezing their blessed assurance outside.

When Jesus finally got my attention, it wasn’t because of those magical seeds planted by Johnny Appleseed barking at me from a turned-over milk crate. I heard Jesus because of a still, small voice that shared love, care and change.

Don’t take my word for it:

Friendly is not a word most would use for the reception the posse of proselytizers received standing shoulder-to-shoulder outside the Mirage Hotel-Casino in a swarm of hundreds of thousands of partiers. The preachers took turns on the bullhorns, with a typical message coming from a fellow named Jeremy from New Mexico who shouted: “You’re on the road to hell right now. Hell is a place of fire and brimstone. Must you all go to hell before you understand that God is not playing around?”

Granted, the message is right. However, is the method? People will hate us completely. It’s in the Bible and we should expect it, but at least, let them hate because we are showing them God’s love.

How many times in the synoptic chapters do we read of Jesus encouraging his 12 eager ragamuffins to dollop some paint on a piece of animal hide and find the town floozie to make her feel bad enough to beg for forgiveness?!

Wall watchers, if there’s anything we need to do in 2010 is get real with God and encourage everyone – the lost and the found – to do the same. Lukewarm only gets you one thing in life and I’m in no mood to become one of God’s lugies!

If I see a transgression, I’m calling it out but I want it to stick. I want it to matter. Does picketing outside gay night clubs with completely inappropriate signs, “God hates fags” matter to anyone other than the dolt who wrote it?

The art of a harvest begins with properly planting a seed. If that seed is thrown on dirt, they’ll only get dusty and blown away. Put that seed in some soil, regardless how damp it is, and that thing has the potential to blossom.

I know we will all remain steadfastly committed to calling out the slack, the false profits, the riff raff and the scam artists. However, if we see anything remotely resembling a picket sign, call it out and teach its author how to make it matter.

Maybe if there are no more picket signs and no more hurling denominational malarkey, we can finally create a unified message of God’s reality and make more of them stick. Maybe then, they will read. Maybe then, it will matter. Maybe.

Guess who else believes the devil is stealing his money?

Answer: Rick Warren.

"Psst. Yo, brother. Can you spare some of that stimulus money?" (Source: AP)

Despite what popular opinion is about the guy’s psychopablum and mushy mandates of the Gospel, I really have never heard of this guy beg for a dime.

What with the books, the appearances (presidential and every other type) and his sizable bank account, I thought at least he was above this.

Perhaps he was inspired. Hmmm… [cue harp music]:

Not too long, we tagged the Wall with the bemoaning of one Rod Parsley who believes Satan is stealing his cash.

Now while I firmly believe Ol’ Slewfoot is fully capable of such a diabolical act, we discovered this $3 million beg was not the case.

Turns out some “teacher” at World Harvest Church’s baby sitting factory for BeBe’s kids… er, daycare pummeled some kid, the parents sued and oh yes, won $3 million from Parsley!

Spare the Rod, spoil the child, I say. State of Ohio – 1. Devil – 0. You twit.

Fast forward to the aforementioned (and linked) story from the New York Times and we find a destitute and dang near poverty-stricken Rick Warren [honestly, I'm surprised].

In an urgent letter posted on the Saddleback Church Web site on Wednesday, Warren says expenses are up because parishioners are out of work and ”the bottom dropped out” when year-end donations dropped dramatically. He asks parishioners to donate $1 million before the new year to keep the Orange County church out of debt.

This is a pill, albeit horse-sized, that’s much easier to swallow. It’s no secret the economy blows and people are praying for God’s understanding and mercy as the tithe stays in the storehouse from it which it resides for now.

The slightly shady part is Warren knows the press monitors his Web site as much as his church members do. And to put that up online, you don’t think somewhere in the recesses of his mind there was a thought, “You know, this could become a national story. Sweet.”

Here’s an idea, mands of Gawd (shout out IST): Exercise the same faith you espouse when praying for the throng of folk who, you know, are near poverty, have no money to tithe because they need to keep on the lights and are believing God for more than just you staying on T.V.

If the Lord is big enough to answer their 911 calls to heaven – and he is – then he “sho’nuff” can answer yours.

However, forgive our Savior if he’s a little preoccupied with those who probably can’t get a loan and doesn’t have the cache reserves that you two have. Happy New Year.

Welcome to the house that Jesus built… well, not him per se.

Christmas is a time to gather with family, eat like a glutton, think about the Christ child… and how he lived. How many Jesus movies did you watch this past week?

Me? 516. At least it felt that way with every church party I visited. I enjoy them wholeheartedly but after the 200th time, maybe its claim to the “Greatest Story Ever Told” wanes a skosh.

Anywhoo, during those wonderful films, I began thinking of all the people who claim they don’t believe in God; yet, they can be heard referring to “Jesus’ day.” How do they really know anyway?!

A Jewish home in the shadows of the Church of the Annunciation. Ironic. (Source: Dan Balilty, AP)

Then, this story from USA Today comes out and I now have a referral point to that ubiquitous time in history.

Archaeologists said Monday that they unearthed remains of the first dwelling in Nazareth that dates to Jesus’ era, a simple structure of two rooms and a courtyard, said Yardenna Alexandre, excavations director at the Israel Antiquities Authority.

I love how the aforementioned folk who don’t believe in Jesus of Nazareth are fascinated by everything else in Nazareth.

While these diligent archaeologists are not claiming it is the house where Jesus lived specifically, a young Jesus may have played around the house with cousins and friends, Alexandre said.

MEMO to the Pulpit Pimps and False ‘Profits’ out there: it’s okay to admit Jesus didn’t come from riches, but rags.

This was a modest community – you know, living in dirt homes, wearing tattered tunics and driving camels. And for many in Christendom, that now visual fact could bring healing to the millions who feel a seed here and keeping up with the Joneses there have done nothing but destroy their credit… and their faith.

Yes, later in life, you can argue the Christ-child wasn’t doing that bad financially.  Spare the doxology and psychobabble, this isn’t that kind of post.

My prayer is we can all take from this discovery and confirm where the Gospel message’s focus should be – it’s about who you are and are destined to be, not what you have and what you are determined to get.

That… or call Hollywood and claim we have the makings of a new movie, “Jewish Boyz in the Hood.” Nice.

Meet a college professor who compares the cross to swastikas

So, I had a fabulous Christmas (and I pray you did as well). Stockings are down. The fridge is replenished. My family is content. And then I read this crap.

According to WOW News’ World Net Daily and Dallas‘ WFAA-TV, Liberty Legal Institute sent a Dec. 15 demand letter on behalf of Joe Mitchell, a retired General Motors employee, Dallas resident and student, to Eastfield College in the Dallas County Community College District.

This is actually a Navy Seal training center in Coronado, Calif. Nice architecture, das dunderheads.

The complaint accuses the school of an “unconstitutional attack on religious expression in the classroom.”

This story is painstakingly lodged itself in my blessed assurance for many reasons, but here’s the once-over.

Mitchell adores to make ceramic crosses as gifts. It’s more than a hobby for the guy; it’s a business in his twilight years. He’s in ceramics class for the third year where he encounters a tool professor named James Watral, chair of the ceramic department at Eastfield College.

Yeah, “CHAIR of CERAMICS!?”

Isn’t that like… well, I just don’t have an apt analogy for this.

“As Mr. Watral was giving students a tour of the pottery department, he took them to a shelving area where ceramics pieces are stored prior to being fired in the kiln,” the complaint states. “Mr. Watral then pointed to a cross and stated in front of the entire class with contempt: ‘I don’t like that.’”

To which, I say, “Big. Deal.” But wait, there’s more.

During the fall 2009 semester, Mitchell said he was constantly asked by his instructor whether he would be creating religious projects. He created a ceramic Israeli Coat of Arms, including a Menorah, to give to a Jewish friend. After the piece had been fired, he said his instructor, Chris Blackburst, asked if she could take a look at it.

“She then proceeded to compare the cross to a swastika,” his complaint states. “She stated that many individuals view the cross as an offensive symbol in the same was that many people are offended by swastikas, and that his crosses would therefore not be fired by the department.”

Ah, there’s the rub. Seriously?! A swastika. I get what our apparent devoid-of-a-heart nitwit is trying to say. The cross is offensive… to anyone with a death wish hating God for no apparent reason other than because of campy Christians they have encountered.

But to compare it with arguably the most recognized symbol in the world for hate, vitriol and bad facial hair is asinine.

What’s more daft is this guy is actually suing the college. Why? Because someone hurt his feelers?

There isn’t a week that goes by where I don’t get offended in some fashion because of some misguided comment, divisive statement or godless misanthrope just trying to get under my skin.

I call B.S. and here’s why: This whole law suit is over the fact dude is no longer allowed to fire his crosses – his merchandise – in the school’s kiln. He’s been doing this for three years and now the school is taking a harsh stance against his crosses – his meal ticket.

What the school said was completely out of line and at the very least, this “chair of ceramics” deserves a nice kick in his jingle bells. However, I’m sure the school said it at the beginning of the year.

Don’t stand in the shadow of the cross crying religious discrimination when you’re just too cheap to buy the cornerstone of the company business.

Dude has had ample time to deal with his grievances but not with his pocketbook. Orders are slow. The economy sucks. And Mr. Mitchell ain’t getting paid as he is accustomed, so he sues. You know, instead of buying his own kiln at the house.

My question is why does it take a lawyer to review the policy when this guy should have done before he took the class? Again?

My angst with anti-Jesus organizations like the ACLU are well-stated and numerous. However, what’s equally as multitudinous is my lack of empathy for folk who make Christians look worse than we already do.

This law suit is exhibit A because the amount of intelligence it takes to see through the paper-thin visage of what’s really behind this legal recourse can be found somewhere in between Tiger Woods’ belief he could ho around in private and one of those crooks in need of a disguise so instead of panty hose grabs a roll of duct tape. (Yeah, really happened.)

The chic who compared the cross with the swastika needs to have her blood stream hurled in the kiln for warmth. As for Mr. Mitchell, he just needs his law suit thrown in there… along with his tuition.

In the words of a few billion people who hate the swastika, “Oy Vey!”