Cross Eyed: Jesus Christ… Bail Bonds

Jesus is known for defeating the enemy, snatching the keys from the grave and rescuing us from hell. Thanks be to God.

For this week in video evangelism, consider the grave to be an eternal jail cell for Christ followers. So, naturally it makes sense that Jesus would endorse a few of his sentinel spirits as bail bondsmen, right?

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil… because I can get out for at least 10%.

Amen.

more about “Cross Eyed: Jesus Christ… Bail Bonds“, posted with vodpod

 

Ted Haggard is back to his old tricks

Courtesy: TallSkinnyKiwi.typepad.com

No, no. I mean starting a new church.

What did you think I meant? You Wall-watching gutter minds. Oy!

Anywhoo, according to the Colorado Springs Gazette, Ted is back with a vengeance and holding a “prayer meeting” on November 12 at… his house.

(Hey, isn’t that how he first got in trouble with his gay-lover-masseuse-meth-dealer-dude in the first place?)

Back to the story:

“We wanted to do something in our house to connect with friends,” said Haggard, whose ties to New Life ended in scandal three years ago with the revelation that he’d been involved with a male prostitute in Denver.

For the record, Haggard began the Colorado megachurch, New Life Church, with 25 people in his basement. The rest is history as he would become a force in ecumenicalism – one of the top pastors in America, voice to the president and leader of the National Association of Evangelicals as his own church surpassed 14,000.

Neither had a comment about Haggard and his new start-up, but suffice to say, I don’t think there is going to be a neighborhood sleep over any time soon.

“For this prayer meeting, I have no goals,” Haggard said. “I have no secret hope that more people will come. I am not driven as I was. Before I focused on the Great Commission. Now I focus on helping other people.”

MEMO to Sweet Teddy: I know you may be a little rusty on the Bible but the “Great Commission” (making disciples and all) is helping other people.

Haggard has been a busy boy since his unceremonious interlude with Mike Jones. He’s been selling insurance, giving “talks” on weekends and, as we posted on the Wall a while back, traipsing his family on national TV to “Divorce Court.”

Still classy after all these months.

And speaking of Mike Jones, the church volunteer Lothario had this to say about Haggard’s interloping with a home church service:

Ted Haggard certainly has the right to do what ever he wants and deserves to be happy in life.  But make no mistake: Ted does nothing by accident. This will be in the press, two months before Gayle’s book is released and then his book to follow.  At this point, publicity is publicity.

 

But to sum it up, if Ted and Gayle were at Disneyland,they would never leave Fantasyland.  But this time they have Oprah as Tinkerbell to spread the fairy dust.

Crazy, not stupid. Of course, this is about public relations. Ted knows how to work the press, just check Google. It hearts Haggard. Dude needs cash, credibility, and above all, cash.

Having a Tupperware party at his house won’t cut it, but get that on national TV and possibly with a TBN cameo, and it’s on like Donkey Kong.

Question to all of us is: Should he be taken seriously?

Suitable, it being tagged on the Wall

Before we answer with a diatribe laced with vitriol and expletives, remember Capernaum anyone?

Peter decided he could quantify forgiveness because of the acts aginst him by some schlep he knew. He thought seven was a good number, seeing how he took that numerology class in Temple a few weeks back.

Jesus threw Peter a curve ball saying, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22 NKJV).

Did Jesus wants to give Peter a pop quiz on his times tables, or was that a metaphorical way to say, “Dude, if I had a dollar for every time you screwed up…”

“No one can possibly keep count of such a high number of offenses,” writes John MacArthur in reference to 490 (the result of “seventy times seven”). “But that is precisely the point! Keeping count has nothing to do with true forgiveness. If an offense is sincerely forgiven, it cannot be held against the offender.” (John MacArthur. The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness. Crossway Books, 2009)

I don’t know about you , but I passed 490 years ago. [Shoot, who am I kidding, months ago.] My check would so bounce past food stamps and into welfare. However, God is bigger than that.

Do I think Haggard should be back in charge of a church now? Certainly not. There has got to be work God still has to do in his heart and his family’s life.

Do I think Haggard is forgiven? If he marched up to the throne of Grace – not before he marched up to his wife who is still with him -  and begged for it, you bet.

Do I think this is a great idea? No way… but I do understand. Albeit, a little.

Apocalypse Watch: NASA thinks the Q Dog should be put to sleep before 2012

Coming Nov. 13, 2009... I mean, 2012.

Later this month, you know in 2009, a blockbuster is going to hit global screens – 2012.

John Cusack is going to save the world from the “Q Dog” (much to the chagrin of my Alpha Phi Alpha, Inc. ties) and the fact that it’s just a cheap marketing ploy three years early shouldn’t matter. I mean, it doesn’t to Hollywood folk.

However, one organization all this apocalyptic kerfuffle is bothering is NASA. Just ask one of their astrophysicists, David Morrison:

“Calendars, whether contemporary or ancient, cannot predict the future of our planet or warn of things to happen on a specific date such as 2012. I note that my desk calendar ends much sooner, on Dec. 31, 2009, but I do not interpret this as a prediction of Armageddon. It is just the beginning of a new year.”

Can we please stop with the end times theories? The Bible declares it; I believe it; and I wish that would settle it:

Our Lord Jesus told us that when he comes, we won’t go up to meet him ahead of his followers who have already died. With a loud command and with the shout of the chief angel and a blast of God’s trumpet, the Lord will return from heaven. Then those who had faith in Christ before they died will be raised to life. Next, all of us who are still alive will be taken up into the clouds together with them to meet the Lord in the sky. From that time on we will all be with the Lord forever. (1 Thessalonians 4:15-17)

I mean, if anyone wishes this mess would stop is the Olympics. After all, in 2012, the Spice Girls are performing! Isn’t that enough of a reason for the half-dog, half-lizard to hold off for a few months?!

Mormon calendar shows off LDS hot cross buns

I said it once, and now I get to say again… anyone remember excommunicated Mormon Chad Hardy?

Hardy is an entrepreneur from Las Vegas who had an epiphany that, if directed to a niche audience, would cause him a winfall of cash money. The idea was a Missionary Beefcake calendar of all those hottie LDS door-to-door salesmen.

And it worked. So much that he was excommunicated from Utah. Yeah, he was a 6th-generation Mormon. Nice.

Meet Miss May and Cover Girl. I'm sure she's a great cook.

Well, sad for the Mormons, it seems sex really does sell because Hardy is baaaack with something a little Oedipus complex-ish.

The “Hot Mormon Muffins: A Taste of Motherhood“ calendar features 12 mothers who claim membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in vintage pinup picture poses. Each month also has a muffin recipe.

Genius. “Also has a muffin recipe.”

That’s like finding a dirty old man at the magazine rack in a truck stop. Of course, he reads that magazine just for the articles. And by the way, yes, he is just happy to see me.

This “muffin” calendar is the latest in the series of Mormon in print. The problem is that Hardy got the boot from the church, so you know Missus January through December could be next? Was it worth it? It is to Hardy. Just ask him.

“For Mormons, the most holy calling next to missionary work is motherhood,” said Hardy. “But they’re not all the subservient housewives that people think they are.“

What? Did someone hurl a Ron Jeremy movie in the DVD player? What’s that mean?

The “Men on a Mission” calendar may have been done with tongue firmly planted in cheek, but this is done with a motive… and a bent. Dude is on a mission to make Mormons look foolish, but this could backfire because how many Atheists will consider flying to Utah just to get a calendar?

The funny thing about this imbroglio is considering the questionable marriage practices in the LDS church, does each month contain the multiple mothers of the same household?

Tami Roberts (seen pictured above) has three girls and is raising them to be devout Mormons.

“I also want them to be open, accepting of other people, know that everybody is not the same and that it’s OK to make your own choices,” said Roberts, who works as a restaurant server and confessed to having a few tattoos, generally considered taboo among Mormons.

Yeah, because having a tramp stamp in the middle of a baptism for some dead guy could be a skosh distracting.

No word from LDS central but something tells me you won’t see Hardy’s calendar on sale in Salt Lake anytime soon at Borders.

 

Cross Eyed for the Holidays: The only Ghost during Halloween

Today… well, scratch that… TONIGHT is when many families gallivant from house to house begging for candy. Others, more paranoid, go to malls or the ubiquitous “Fall Festivals”. Safer, but no more of a beating.

And then there are those fools who use this night to express misguided angst under the cloak of religion. That’s about all it gets credited as… the vandals, the criminal activity, the sacrifices. Oh, did I get your attention now?

The point is this is a real day, one not granted for peace and love. Rather, the rumor mill is a little more of a fact clearinghouse. The witches, the skulls, the dismay – all there, all true.

I have lil’ Wall Watchers, so I give them some fun and not play the legalism blues. However, what they know and what I know are two different things. What do you know? Check the video… a little Cross Eyed evangelism early, if you will.

more about “Halloween and the only Ghost to care …“, posted with vodpod

700 men take oath of allegiance for their odd ball pastor. Swear.

Oaths.

Funny things, aren’t they?

People take an oath when they get married, and how’s that working out for half of this globe? Oaths are performed when swearing someone into office, and that seems to be for show. And then, there are those oaths that a witness takes when they are about to lie their tail off about the plantiff.

You know, it’s a good thing those don’t mean a thing to God; otherwise, he would smoke some fools like Zeus with a lightning bolt.

Those are most of the examples of which I can imagine. That is until Acme Arena member Bene Diction decided to challenge me… er, request I write about this Holy Ghost hullabaloo.

Now I will warn you, this story hails from the New Zealand Herald. You would expect praise heaped upon Kiwis (quite honestly, some of my fave Wall Watchers are Aussies and Kiwis), but this fool is one big pitted-out prune.

Meet Brian Tamaki, leader of one of New Zealand’s largest megachurches, Destiny Church.

Evidently, he liked the view from his pulpit, peering over his serfdom, so he decided it would be a good move to promote himself from pastor to bishop and insist the male members [only them] of the church were his “spiritual sons”. That’s sweet, namely around “Father’s Day.” Good times, uh, Dad?

However, during that same service, the adoption became indoctrination as:

At a special service during the church’s annual conference in Auckland at the weekend, about 700 male members of the church swore a “covenant oath” of loyalty and obedience to Mr Tamaki and were given a “covenant ring” to wear on their right hands.

Look, dude. You call it what you want, but that is a Promise Ring! As in what I gave my 5th grade girlfriend back in the day. (Then, when that relationship didn’t work out, I gave it to what was behind Door #2).

According to the story, these men were former addicts, criminals and all-around bad seeds made nice. So, what a better way to welcome these emotionally challenged boys than make them wear slightly eerie promise rings and signed oaths that read:

“To you Bishop we pledge our allegiance, our faithfulness and loyalty. We pledge to serve the cause that is in your heart and to finish that work. Success to you and success to those who help you – for God is with you.”

That sound you hear was a mighty rushing wind… of me, dashing to the bathroom. Please, I think I have a little throw up in my mouth.

Courtesy: Covertress. Peace.

People, that is not a church service. That is a cult warm-up session.What’s next? A nice, refreshing glass of Kool Aid?

Now, Bene clearly dissects that oath, which is worth the paper it was printed upon, but for grins here are some low-lights:

• How to act toward dear ol’ Dad: The “sons” are told that “Bishop is the tangible expression of God”, so they need to understand how to properly approach their man of God “to protect the anointing and not transgress this special relationship”. They must ensure that Mr. Tamaki and his wife are both honoured, cared for and given appropriate respect. “Bishop is a people person. Often it is better we offend others than him.”

That’s sweet. However, if Dad were to instruct all his Bebe Kids to actually read the Bible, they would discover:

And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you (John 14: 16-17 KJV).

The day some greasy haired toolbox takes the place of my Jesus, I’m checking out of this place with the quickness. Next?!

• How to act around Daddy Dearest: Don’t start talking or gesturing to somebody else while Bishop is speaking. The “sons” must never openly disagree with Mr. Tamaki in front of others and must “be careful not to become familiar (which can lead to contempt)” with him “due to his friendliness and openness”

I love the trend here. Here’s “Dad” demanding to be called “Mr. Tamaki” in a legal-ish contract. What? Are these 700 men the bastard children at your family reunion? Moving on.

• How to act around those not digging Dad’s get-up: They must never tolerate anyone (regardless of who they are) speaking or talking critically of Mr Tamaki and his wife/family or the church. “You are not only to stop them in their tracks but warn them that they criticise you when they criticise Bishop.”

Brother, you have one of your goons touch a serious brother, he’ll show what the “laying on of hands” is all about. And trust me, he will stop that dead in its tracks.

When did Jesus ever demand this of his disciples, much less the rest of throng who followed him? Never. Outside of the Sermon on the Mount, the only oath he made them take was this:

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:36-40 NIV)

Now, that’s telling it like it is. Problem with Tamaki is he can’t love his neighbor like himself because he apparently doesn’t like himself that much. How else would you explain this self-deified regimen? He heard from God this would be a swell idea. I don’t think the Lord’s voice could penetrate all that hair product personally.

The word is out on this cult-figure tool. He knows it, so he decides to send the goon squad over to the local news station for a nice talk.

In a statement today, Destiny Church objected to what it alleged was inaccurate commentary by an “unidentified” individual in the TV3 news item, and the hidden camera footage. The statement said Destiny Church “had always had an open-door policy towards the media and general public and believes this trust has been breached by TV3 in their covert approach in this instance”.

The statement also said “a number of comments made by the individual (in the Campbell Live item) were grossly inaccurate” and questioned the credibility of its source, “which the programme fails to identify”.

It wasn’t like TV3 hired James Bond to go in there cloaked in subterfuge and yank the mystery out from the man. A reporter got a copy of this inane oath and told the world. Tamaki is eating a lot of crow, so he’s a skosh tweaked.

This isn’t biblical, but MEMO to Brian Tamaki: You can only put cologne on without taking a shower so many days in a row. After a while, that stink is going to be detected.

In other words, this story reeks to high heaven and Tamaki’s tail end is at the front of it. This is not of the Lord. Jesus is not pleased with you trying to make involuntary robots out of these people. You should be ashamed of yourself, but that will happen the day we get raptured.

Oh, and the worst part…

Oath takers paid $295 – plus a $5 administration fee – for the ring symbolising their loyalty to Bishop Tamaki. Some were given the option of paying the ring off over time. Members were also asked for $10 to fund the Destiny School building extension, and a gold-coin donation to Destiny Television Ministries.

After reading that, I have another saying… but um, I’ll just keep that to myself.

Paula White makes getting sued into a sideshow sermon. Figures.

Paula White is no stranger to making a mockery of something – whether that be a marriage, a message or now a press conference where she is supposed to be defending the name of her son.

Television cameras descended on Without Walls International Church on Thursday for back-to-back news conferences about a racial discrimination lawsuit filed against the head pastor’s son.

Nice collection of framed press clippings on the wall. But no son?!

Now, let’s get this:

1. “Back-to-back” press conferences?! Why? One for the secular and one of the sacred? Perhaps, one for the mainstream church folk and then one for the poor hacks she ridicules weekly and they don’t have the intelligence to know the difference?!
2. Against her son. Not her. This isn’t about her. This is about he son allegedly being a bigot (and for the record, this lawsuit is complete crap and should be laughed out of court). Paula White should be supporting her son, but meh. Back to the story…

So, there sits Paula, ready to support her son and make this case about how she is fed up and not going to take any more. Right? Take it away hired gun and legal pundit Barry Cohen:

Barry Cohen, the church attorney, who described what he called proof that the suit was a “racial con job.” There were standing ovations. There were shouts of praise. There were threats of more lawsuits.

There was no indication this would end any time soon.

At a press conference. About her son. Much ado about nothing.

Gee, I wonder why the Kool-Aid guzzling folk got all lathered up about legal speak at a presser. You think Brandon White is really that charismatic, or was he encountered with “Girl, Interrupted.”

Brandon White, 26, spoke publicly about the case for the first time. He said he can’t look at people without wondering if they believe the allegations. He said he hasn’t been able to sleep. Then, his mother spoke. Paula White said she started the church to promote racial harmony.

“We’re drawing the line and saying enough is enough,” she said. She turned to Cohen and told him, “Use the legal system as far as you can, as hard as you can and as long as you can.”

Meanwhile, you notice what is missing from this story? Anyone? Take your time… wait for it… Randy!

The kid wasn’t found in Paula’s shotty trailer park. He does have a father, but because he probably lost the cash and his dignity in the divorce, he’s nowhere. Pathetic.

And so, we’re back with the former Without Walls youth worker gone rogue civil rights advocate, Josh Randolph, who has decided to continue with the legal proceedings against Paula White’s son.

If you note the link above, this lawsuit was a modest $4,200. And now, it seems the “N-word” means a whole lot more Ka-ching… er feeling to him.

“Money never crossed my mind,” he said. “Exposure crossed my mind. I wanted Tampa to know these people are racists. I’m not going to make this a media frenzy.” …his discrimination lawsuit in which he now asks for $2 million.

If there is nothing you can believe that comes out of this dudes’ mouth, believe this, he definitely is cut from the same make-up stained, ballyhooed cloth that Paula is because this is some drama for your mama!

Think we’ll be covering this one on the Wall? I would bet a few extra bricks on that one.

Louis Farrakhan thinks Whitey made H1N1 vaccine to kill folk

I admire older people who refuse to quietly into that good night.

You know the type, those curmudgeons who refuse to allow those younger whippersnappers lap them in traffic, talk back to them in the mall and tell them anything about history. We could really learn something from them… that is, unless you are 76-year-old Louis Farrakhan, in which case, “Dude, say when. Please?”

Is this how it all started? With Agent Zero here?

Why? It seems he has chimed in with the CDC, the White House and every other federal organization that says, “Meh” to the H1N1 vaccine.

However, you can count on the Nation of Islam leader for a little bit more colorful commentary (no pun intended… well, maybe a little).

It was a warm day at the Holy Day of Atonement, which was also the 14th anniversary of the Million Man March. He figured it’s been a few years since he had that one zinger to keep him in headlines, so he unloaded a round of fresh ammo on this afternoon:

“The Earth can’t take 6.5 billion people. We just can’t feed that many. So what are you going to do? Kill as many as you can. We have to develop a science that kills them and makes it look as though they died from some disease,” Farrakhan said, adding that many wise people won’t take the vaccine.

Stay classy, Louie.

When my lil’ Wall Watchers got the piggy virus, I thought the same thing: “Man, this is uncool. The only way I can save my children from tyranny and oppression is to give them a vaccine that Whitey made to create genocide upon our young people.”

Thanks for the confirmation.

By the way, while you are condemning every medical worker in the country, Moses called and advised Ancient Egypt wants their Pharaoh back. Seriously, brother minister? Is the CDC really the “Caucasian Destroyer Coalition“?! Back to the story…

“The black community has become toxic and must cleanse and restore peace from within,” Farrakhan said.

True, but how do you suggest they do it unless they heed the advice of radical xenophobes like you and Marcus Garvey and exile themselves to Africa?

I’m not sure you have seen the headlines, but life ain’t peachy in the motherland, brother. Intense famine. Extreme poverty. Sickness beyond measure. And that AIDS thingy just won’t slow down.

But, he’s on to something I guess because there’s not a lot of charity for swine flu in Zimbabwe.

If the black community must restore peace from within, then shouldn’t said black community rid themselves of those who do nothing but stir up pestilence and pain? You know, on the inside?

Just a thought… that I wish would catch on.

Hulk Hogan needs less vitamins, more prayers

Recently, we posted on the Wall the trials, tribulations and tumultuous love gone awry in the life of Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea.

Back then, we read his ex-wife and wanna-be reality starlet, Linda, had gone cougar and began shtupping with one of her incarcerated son’s buddies. Classy.

Since then, the divorce proceedings have reeled this family, no one has a TV show and the only people left dealing with this drama are the family involved.

However, ever-clamoring for the elusive limelight, Hulk Hogan found a way to crawl back into our line of sight.

He’s got a tell-all memoir making national news because he admits he considered suicide after the divorce was final.

In his new book “My Life Outside the Ring,” the former wrestler describes how he hit rock bottom after breaking up with his wife of 23 years, Linda, and coping with his son Nick’s accident in which he lost control of Hogan’s Toyota Supra.

The odd thing is while the lights, camera and action was breaking loose in the Hogan/Bollea household, it was the daughter of another iconic sports figure who saved Hulk’s life – Lalia Ali.

I know… really?!

Hogan said Ali, the daughter of boxing great Muhammad Ali, prevented him from committing suicide after he had downed a cocktail of Xanax and rum. She called after noticing he had been looking distracted at work.

“Work” being a sidekick on the redux of failed sports show, “American Gladiators.” The moment she called, his hand was reportedly on the trigger; thus, the catalyst of his “spiritual awakening.”

According to PopCrunch.com, he continued to forget his Hulkamaniacs and focus on his own despair:

Hulk writes: “There were times when I thought that a whole bottle of pills would go down easy . . . Then I noticed the gun in my hand. I was careless with it . . . I kept my finger pressed right to that trigger . . . and if I moved that finger an inch in the right direction . . . I would have blown my brains out.”

I know when we see people larger than life, it’s difficult to remember these Hollywood types are just people – real feelings, real emotion, really jacked up.

God’s got your attention now, Hulkster. Forget the pythons. Ignore the vitamins. This is about your prayers. What’cha gonna do?

God Sighting of the Month: Holy crap?

This month in the mad dash around the world for the face of God, we find ourselves in Scotland (Shout out to Bene D).

Glascow, to be exact, where God was not only seen… but looking back at his creation in the most vile of acts. Now I realize God is omnipotent and omnipresent, so hiding from the Spirit of God while in the club, at that certain someone’s house or erstwhile gallivanting in sin is ridiculous.

Courtesy: John Gunion, "The Sun"

However, there is one place I wish God didn’t see me (and forgive the candor, but tagging on this Wall is about being real). That’s right, the dreaded Number 2. Amen, somebody?

I mean, while you are blue-knuckling it and playing a nice game of Tetris on your iPhone is not where you want to see the Almighty staring back at you.

Nonetheless, there he is, catching a bathroom glare at the neighborhood IKEA according to WOW News’ The Telegraph (UK).

There is some debate over whether the face truly represents the Son of Man, or whether it is in fact Gandalf out of the Lord of the Rings, or even a member of ABBA.

Okay, that line… genius!

Now whether this mug shot was a wise old warlock, a beatnik 80s roller skate band member or even the Shroud of Turin, the last place I need to see a pictograph within three inches of my face is while I am dropping a deuce.

“I was only heading to the toilet and I found God,” one shopper told the Telegraph . “It’s certainly not what you expect to find in an Ikea store. Mind you, you need a little divine intervention to get out of here sometimes.”

I’ve heard of stranger places to have a sacred experience, but have mercy! Imagine the sales and marketing team of this global chain, “On sale now. The second coming… in a store near you.”

Paula White’s son gets sued for racial discrimination by a Rich Little knock-off

Life does have absolutes, contrary to what most Darwinian scientists, Atheistic sluggards and U.S. politicians believe.

Those would include:

• Jesus is alive
• Oxygen helps us breathe
• Water can make you drown
• The economy sucks and…
• Paula & Randy White are convinced they are one Jheri Curl short of being black

Those absolutes make us comfortable, and the last one makes us laugh… a little.

Well, that last one is about to get blown back to 1609 as the justice system is ready to show how white the “you had best slap your neighbor’s weave” posse really is.

According to the St. Petersburg Times, Brandon White – son of the megachurch pastoral divorced couple – is being sued by a young black man named Joshua Brian Randolph who says he was called the “N-word” in several e-mails.

As proof, Randolph, 24, provided the Times with e-mails sent from Yahoo and Gmail accounts.

Yeah, we all think she's pretty foolish as well.

Now, this is not a theosophical stand-off on Randy and Paula White’s ability to fill a stadium, milk a scripture, offend a brother or sister, mislead the throngs and get a divorce. (What? I say something wrong?)

However, seriously, Joshua?

You don’t think young pubescent Brandon, who I’ll bet you a crisp dollar wears his pants around his knees, can’t put on a baseball cap the right way and slurs his way through a sentence you couldn’t diagram with a GPS unit, wasn’t just taking a little luxury with you?!

This is a kid who grew up hearing “Hey girl” and “That’s my ***ga’” more times than Richard Pryor’s and Eddie Murphy’s kids put together. So, of course, when he befriends an African-American, he probably thought it was a rite of passage to call said African-American every name in the book once considered extremely offensive and fuel to bigotry.

And so, he gets on his Yahoo! and Gmail account and begins to put cocaine pinky nail… er, finger to keyboard and write what he thinks.

Unfortunately, dude was a couple of consonants off from being hip and now he is the target of a lawsuit.

Irony at its best.

But wait, there’s more… if it’s a story about Paula White, you know there’s a catch.

Barry Cohen, the attorney representing the church, said Wednesday he has proof that Randolph has a history of impersonating others via fake e-mail accounts and telephone numbers, beginning with retired NBA player and coach Avery Johnson. Someone claiming to be Johnson told the church that Randolph would travel to Tampa as his representative to help with a youth ministry at Without Walls.

Let’s get this straight – we have a Vanilla Ice wannabe with a silver spoon throttled down his gullet, a youth minister at Without Walls there on furlough who may be a huge, lying sack and arguably said aspiring Caucasian rapper getting carried away with the “He ain’t heavy, he’s my b-r-u-t-h-a”. How do I know?

Randolph says he was at the church for just a few days before having a run-in with Brandon White over use of a church vehicle. He says he heard White make several offensive and racist jokes, and that he later got e-mails using the N-word five times.

Those jokes were probably dude’s way of trying to fit in and get a high-five. What a twit. Anywhoo…

This is one ridiculous lawsuit, and although I’m certain Brandon didn’t help matters thinking he was Nino Brown and all, Randolph is the one who will come out of this looking oh so stupid. He already does.

Here’s how the story ends:

Randolph said he spoke to the president of the local chapter of the NAACP, Carolyn Collins. He said she would be there.

When reached by phone Wednesday, Collins said she was not aware of the lawsuit or any news conference. She said she would have to be notified if anyone representing the NAACP was scheduled to appear.

She had not heard anything.

The White’s have little to no reputation outside of the mute-deaf-dumb circles they run round-and-round in. They are divorced. They lost one of their churches due to debt and not paying the bills. They are considered by some to be fraudulent purveyors in the pulpit. They are pep rally artists, not preachers. And… as if that wasn’t bad enough… they have bad haircuts. (Mix in a trip to Sport Clips or something).

In other words, they are going to bring it despite the inane musings of their son, Paul Mooney Jr., because they have nothing else to lose.

Joshua Randolph, if that really is your name, I’m afraid you yanked on the wrong Jheri Curl because you are one polygraph away having something slap you back.

Christian marketing getting better and “News”-ier

Ah yes. It’s back – Christian marketing.

A while back, Wall Watchers were bemused by a visual onslaught of lovely t-shirts and branding that’s the equivalent of a six-year-old with crayons watching commercials. Today, we find a story that makes the church look a skosh better and a tad more current.

Celebrity endorsements, how novel. But who? Would you believe the Newsboys on a pair of Chuck Taylor Converse All-stars?! I know!

Hey now, you're an all-star... wait, that's not their song!?

The band who almost began “borrowing” something for the secular [Originally, their name was "The News" in the 80s, but Huey Lewis may have had something to say] now dawns the most sacred and regaled kicks on the market.

Nice.

“The opportunity to be associated with Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars is exciting,” says newsboys [sic] manager Wes Campbell. “I have personally worn them for years. newsboys is a great choice to break into this market. We launched the shoes on newsboys’ current The Way We Roll Tour, which kicked off October 1 in Greensboro and will run through mid-November.”

Nice plug for the tour, Wes. Only one small issue, boys.

Before you can “Shine” with these shoes, you may want to sell them on your Web site’s store. Just sayin’.

Billy Joe Daugherty diagnosed with cancer

Typically, we adorn the Wall with a comical panache, but not today.

In today’s age of overblown televangelism and megachurch pastors drawing mega ‘tude, we have an exception being dealt a bad hand.

According to NewsOn6.com in Tulsa and Charisma magazine nationally, we read that the regaled and respected Billy Joe Daugherty of Victory Christian Center has been diagnosed with lymphoma cancer.

In a letter read during worship services, Daugherty, founder of Victory Christian Center in Tulsa, said he was hospitalized last week because of a viral infection in his throat. After running a series of tests, doctors diagnosed him with lymphoma, a cancer that affects the lymphatic system.

This creates the same question in the minds of believers when you see those depressing infomercials shilling for ministries feeding kids in Africa, “Seriously God? Why him?”

Answer: Who knows. What I do know is that you will not hear Pastor Daugherty complain one bit – not in his letter or even on his blog.

“My faith is in God’s ability to give me victory in life and healing from sickness every day,” said Daugherty, who is well-known for his Word-Faith teaching. “Therefore, I am standing on God’s promises of wholeness in every cell.”

I mean this was guy when preaching about thanksgiving and praise for God gets punched in his grill during an altar call. Did he get ticked? No, he bailed this tool out of jail.

Why him? I don’t know but I will tell you his testimony out of this will be a ministry for millions.

Bless you, Pastor Daugherty. The bricks on the Wall got your back in prayer. Peace.

Tom Cruise’s little Thetan goes to a Catholic school

What class would look like in a Scientology Pre-K.

You know you’re in Hollywood when the movie stars stop making headlines for their film reviews and start getting the media’s attention for being stupid, raging against politicians and having convoluted religious beliefs.

And greeting us at the gates to the sexually perplexed and ecumenically devoid would be America’s fabled door attendant, Tom “Captain Scientology” Cruise.

Walking into his fabled kingdom of the criminally insane, we discover his wife Katie Holmes who has been shacked away from the world and tending to the spiritual love child of Dianetics named Suri.

Suri was destined to become yet another immortal soul being who people wanted to hurl off the “Bridge of Total Freedom” because she was so crazed with Thetan thinking, but thanks to young Katie, there may be hope in the form of Papal intervention.

According to the Daily Mail (UK), Katie decided to undergo her own “Mission Impossible” and enroll baby Suri in some fru-fru Catholic school, Catholic Charities Yawkey Centre For Early Education And Learning in Boston, Massachusetts.

“Katie has been listening to her parents who are devout Catholics,” I’m told [the reporter by the ubiquitious, money-grubbing sources]. “She is not convinced by Scientology and has told Tom that she wants Suri to be educated as a Catholic – as she was. They had been having huge problems agreeing on her school. To say they were having arguments is putting it mildly – but Tom came around to the idea in the end.”

The article also mentions that Tom is on a movie shoot. Hrm.

So, is this necessarily of story of brazen faith and coming back to the Church, or just some spineless jellyfish move of a scorned woman taking advantage of her hubby out of town for six months?!

I would say Katie is so emotionally scarred that she is in need of a psychiatrist, but hey… we all know that’s got a snowball’s chance in hell of happening in Tommy’s kingdom, right?

Scientology spin control and bullies e-mailing me with accusations of slander in 3… 2… 1…

Cross Eyed: Toddler gets his preach on!

In our days of church visitation, membership and revivals, I’m sure we have seen our fair share of traveling evangelists.

You know the type:

1. Sweaty Weight Watchers Guy – This is the dude who sounds like he is snoring in his sleep while very much awake. I mean, if he inhaled any deeper the choir loft drapes would be down his gullet.
2. Theological Big Wig Guy – He’s typically a pastor with alphabet soup after his name and delivers that perfect homiletical sermon that will either inspire you quietly or put you to sleep like Sominex.
3. Famous Just Got Saved Guy – Usually an athlete that TBN traipses out on TV like a prized Lipizzaner stallion. All he has to discuss is his testimony (meh) but hey, he’s famous so it’s good for ratings and attendance.
4. And there’s this guy… er, kid. For my entertainment and ecumenical value, I’ll take this toddler any day. He preaches with more fire than I have seen in quite a while. Enjoy.

more about “Cross Eyed: Toddler gets his preach on!“, posted with vodpod