Posts Tagged ‘Ted Haggard’

A couple of things actually, but one chief thing in particular:

  1. Both have been accused of investing time in lousy, pitiful men
  2. Each person’s ministries created the sound of thunderous applause at times, and at others, the sound of one hand clapping
  3. AND NOW, both Juanita Bynum and Ted Haggard will appear on Divorce Court to resurrect their careers

Stay classy, people.

First, Juanita “speaks out” about being abused and now Ted is on there to… well, just to make another stop on his whirlwind tour of “Dummies for Christ.”

Another Ted Haggard "ministry" appearance

Another Ted Haggard "ministry" appearance

So, set your calendars evangelicals, blossoming masseurs and drug dealers… your main advocate will appear nationally on FOX’s hit judge show on April 1. And why?

The show’s presiding judge, Lynn Toler, is interviewing the couple about how their marriage survived in the wake of the 2006 revelation that Haggard, founder and former pastor of New Life Church, was having a sexual relationship with a Denver male escort. The Haggards say their marriage and Christian faith are stronger than ever, and they want people to know that divorce is not the answer.

This should be good. What befuddles me is how remarkably unabashed this tool has been since his peculiar way to unwind has been made public, seen here in the aforementioned story from the Denver Post:

Their “Divorce Court” gig is the latest in a series of public appearances that began in January when Haggard made the rounds to promote an HBO documentary on his exile from Colorado Springs, which was part of an agreement with New Life Church following the 2006 scandal. Haggard appeared on such high-profile talk shows as the “Oprah Winfrey Show” and “Larry King Live.” In the coming months, he’s scheduled to speak at prominent U.S. evangelical churches, and is mulling over public speaking offers from secular organizations, but he said he has no plans to start a church.

OK, first: What. Ever. The second some denominational affiliation opens its arms – and doors – to the scorned jowls of Haggard, he is so in there. I think it’s obvious this fool is jonesin’ to get back in the spotlight, so let’s hear it for humility.

Second, it’s the economy people. Brother is going to get paid for his appearance on the show, and why shouldn’t he? FOX is going to get a rating spike because who isn’t setting the TiVO for this gem? And now, Haggard will capitalize on this by leveraging Divorce Court into a few more paid appearances like a State Fair, a car show, a Mary Kay convention and possibly being the opening act for Vince at one of his many ShamWow stops, given its new found sacred positioning.

Finally, the cracked producers of this adoring show can’t get anyone else to discuss the sanctity of marriage?! Seriously? And you wonder why so many people have issues with Christians?

That sound you hear is one large toilet flushing – hopefully with Haggard’s public appearance fee swirling and his mini-skree flummoxing in the process.

(Thanks to Denver’s Westword for that genius image)

Just when you thought we were done with the Ted Haggard saga, this story gets… well, a little more haggard. Oy!

A day at the Haggard Household

A day at the Haggard Household

As if the media tour and family harangue wasn’t enough for this guy, who is officially a tool, we have this unfortunate story from CNN stating where there is smoke, a brother is bound to get burned.

And so, not to bury the lede…

A megachurch paid a 20-year-old man to keep silent about a sexual relationship he had with disgraced evangelical pastor Ted Haggard, a senior church pastor said.

This tragic story gets seedier by the minute. Boy, when some skeletons come out of the closet, they really can punch you in the mouth with some humerus (get it? Humor, as in this mess is hilarious. Humerus, as in bone… Skeleton? Ah, never mind. Sigh.)

So, thanks to this story, we discover the acolytes at New Life Church “agreed to pay the man in exchange for his pledges” to not rat out the dude who was, you know, the most powerful evangelical on the planet! And so they paid the “man’s” moving expenses, college tuition and just to keep it on the up-and-up, his counseling. Thinking sexual abuse could cause scars, regardless what slug caused them.

Peep the brilliant (uh, not so much) public relations here:

This was compassionate assistance. It was to help him move forward, not a settlement to keep him quiet,” said [Rev. Brady] Boyd, senior pastor at New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

Are you kidding me?! Listen here, bub. Forget the stain your ilk have placed upon that once thriving church in Colorado, the evangelical movement and the Body of Christ as a whole (because, believe me, WE ALL take a beating for this in the workplace). Let’s just focus on one person – this “man”.

Imagine the irrefutable anguish your Keystone Cops approach to sweeping sin under the rug caused him. He may have serious issues reaching salvation, all because your boss was horny and handsy and you didn’t have the temerity to bust him in his grill and say, “Hey, uh, pastor. I know you are the man of Gawd and all, but this mess really isn’t right. Maybe you should have yourself checked.”

ted-haggard-loserBut no, this is a microcosm of most of the megachurches in America – no accountability! These charlatans are permitted to exercise their autocracies as theocracies and do whatever they want to whomever they want. It’s… well, an atrocity! And it’s shameful.

No wonder atheism is so rambit in this country! If I didn’t dearly love Jesus, I would cash in my Christendom for a Ginsu knife collection or something just so people I know wouldn’t come back at me with bewilderment and vexation asking, “Does everyone you know act like the fools on TBN and those in the news?”

Wall Watchers, we need to pray for the countless Christians in megachurches. People need to worship the living God, not some dimwitted man with a bad haircut. People need to serve Jesus, not the “vision” or “mission” of some tool with his eyes set on that gated community in the sky.

You know, Ted. You once called yourself a “loser” and yours truly defended you in several forums. Because say what you will, this man did mighty exploits for God. However, you cashed all that in for a cheap massage, an ugly dude, a movie deal… and this?! No, maybe – just maybe – you were right all along. Loser.

tedhaggardbookFrom a personal masseuse and pushing pills to embarrassing his family and eradicating his ministry, Ted Haggard has been one busy boy.

And now, with a shudder and two snaps in a circle, he fights back with a one-liner that sounds like he pulled out of his crate of homiletics: “[My] sexual identity is complex… and can’t be put into stereotypical boxes.” And then, continues to say the relationship with his wife is stronger than ever.

Uh, I’m sorry?

Lately, Ted has been on a media whirlwind tour, and possibly to lure out some ratings for his tabloid expose on HBO. And so, after speaking about his exile from TV, his church and you know, the public’s conception of a nice guy, he owns it:

“I am guilty. I am responsible,” Haggard, 52, said Friday in a phone interview. “I got off track, and I am deeply sorry and I repent … I’m moving along in a positive direction.”

Good on ya’, Ted. But um, you care to shed some light on that “stereotypical boxes” commentary:

Asked whether he could define his sexual identity, Haggard said: “The stereotypical boxes don’t work for me. My story’s got some gray areas in it. And, of course, I’m sad about that but it’s the reality.

Dude, “gray” isn’t the word, as if it’s some metallic silver as seen through the eyes of an old woman. I mean the murky monochromatic gray of the old woman’s hair… and possibly cuticles.

Hrm, well at least he is looking toward redemption and deliverance while trekking down the highway of regaining his ministry. There, get that out of your frilly closet, brother.

Now back living in Colorado Springs, Haggard said Friday he hopes to build his business selling insurance and debt-reduction software and is considering marketing himself through a speakers bureau to share his story — “if the terms were right. I have to earn a living. If what I have is helpful to other people, then I want to make that available to them,” he said. “If it’s not, then I’m perfectly happy building my business.”

Ah well, there’s always Amway. I hear they sell pills… and so, it all comes full circle.

So, in case you have been buried under a rock somewhere in the middle of the Sahara Desert, under some sand and without a GPS unit, you would have heard Ted Haggard has been in the news.

nancy-pelosiOne day, he is one of the most influential men in Christendom. The next, he is lathered up with baby oil calling some dude name Mike, “Me-chelle, My Belle.”

And while he is out pimping his horrific story to any publisher and TV network with a pulse, he found a new BFF in the world’s least likely place for a Christian – Capitol Hill and its Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, according to WOW News’ and CBN’s David Brody.

Talk about reaching across the aisle! Now here’s an odd pair. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi reached out to fallen pastor Ted Haggard through her daughter. Confused?

Very nice. Keep rocking with that big brain, Dave. Next?

In an interview with me this afternoon, Haggard—a onetime friend and former occasional guest at George W. Bush’s White House—says the support from the Pelosi family is one reason he’s much more favorable about Democrats and their agenda today than before his fall. His change of economic circumstances also played a big role in the process.

[Insert your favorite Scooby Doo “ri-ron’t-ro-Raggy” sound here]. This girl probably has a smoking card fresh with ACLU invisible ink in her purse, but she made time to make an appointment for this guy?! Well, not if you ask her personally… namely if your name is David Brody.

Ah well, at least he can add one person to his Christmas list. Whether the card gets to her door is another story all together, but never mind that right now.

ron-burgundy-talks-haggardMassage? Er… I meant, message. Yeah, that’s it. Sorry, I must have been thinking about something else. OK, maybe not.

Anywhoo, by now, I presume lest the rock you are living under has been flustered with erosion, you have heard about the trials and tribulations of Ted Haggard.

Well, for those of you still enjoying the comforts of your sedimentary abode, here’s your chance to hear about the sex-laden, drug-abusing, gay-massage having rouse of the former president for the National Association of Evangelicals.

No, the autobiography wasn’t enough. Dude is now taking his tale to the airwaves – HBO, no less to get all those family-friendly details.

In an HBO documentary set to air Jan. 29, disgraced evangelical leader Ted Haggard says he never claimed to be heterosexual, as was once reported, and he continues to struggle with same-sex attraction. But he’s committed to living a heterosexual life because he believes it’s better for children to be raised by a mother and a father.

Stay classy, brother.

So, “The Trials of Ted Haggard” covers this once godly and now gasbag father of five post-excommunication from his church and ministry after being caught in the throes of man love. Never mind the fact his kids and wife have to relive this melodrama, but now with HBO’s “no frills” approach to production [if you have seen the Sopranos, you know I am so kidding] the real seedy parts will be put out there… really out there.

Now, although I completely disagree with his Lazarus obsession with this personal drama refusing to let it die, I am completely in his corner about this:

“The reason I kept my personal struggle a secret is because I feared that my friends would reject me, abandon me and kick me out, and the church would exile and excommunicate me. And that happened and more,” he says.

Yep. That’s the Church – welcome to the home of parents who eat their young and bury their dead, while yet living.

Yes, what Ted did was atrocious. Yes, what Ted is doing is even worse. And yes, if he would have opened up to one person about this, he would have been bashed with scrutiny, instead of bridled with God’s love.

He had nowhere to turn. So what’s it say about the Church that the only place a pastor, a stalwart in Christendom had to feel safe and get solace was in the arms of a gay prostitute and a drug dealer?! How’s that for sobering? And you thought I was just going to talk about my Tivo, eh?