Posts Tagged ‘swine flu’

I admire older people who refuse to quietly into that good night.

You know the type, those curmudgeons who refuse to allow those younger whippersnappers lap them in traffic, talk back to them in the mall and tell them anything about history. We could really learn something from them… that is, unless you are 76-year-old Louis Farrakhan, in which case, “Dude, say when. Please?”

Is this how it all started? With Agent Zero here?

Is this how it all started? With Agent Zero here?

Why? It seems he has chimed in with the CDC, the White House and every other federal organization that says, “Meh” to the H1N1 vaccine.

However, you can count on the Nation of Islam leader for a little bit more colorful commentary (no pun intended… well, maybe a little).

It was a warm day at the Holy Day of Atonement, which was also the 14th anniversary of the Million Man March. He figured it’s been a few years since he had that one zinger to keep him in headlines, so he unloaded a round of fresh ammo on this afternoon:

“The Earth can’t take 6.5 billion people. We just can’t feed that many. So what are you going to do? Kill as many as you can. We have to develop a science that kills them and makes it look as though they died from some disease,” Farrakhan said, adding that many wise people won’t take the vaccine.

Stay classy, Louie.

When my lil’ Wall Watchers got the piggy virus, I thought the same thing: “Man, this is uncool. The only way I can save my children from tyranny and oppression is to give them a vaccine that Whitey made to create genocide upon our young people.”

Thanks for the confirmation.

By the way, while you are condemning every medical worker in the country, Moses called and advised Ancient Egypt wants their Pharaoh back. Seriously, brother minister? Is the CDC really the “Caucasian Destroyer Coalition“?! Back to the story…

The black community has become toxic and must cleanse and restore peace from within,” Farrakhan said.

True, but how do you suggest they do it unless they heed the advice of radical xenophobes like you and Marcus Garvey and exile themselves to Africa?

I’m not sure you have seen the headlines, but life ain’t peachy in the motherland, brother. Intense famine. Extreme poverty. Sickness beyond measure. And that AIDS thingy just won’t slow down.

But, he’s on to something I guess because there’s not a lot of charity for swine flu in Zimbabwe.

If the black community must restore peace from within, then shouldn’t said black community rid themselves of those who do nothing but stir up pestilence and pain? You know, on the inside?

Just a thought… that I wish would catch on.

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So, in case you live in Michael Jackson’s old hyperbaric chamber (I’m sure it’s on eBay), I’m sure you know someone – if not gotten the cooties personally – who has caught H1N1, affectionately known as “Swine Flu.

Flu in the PewsIt’s so bad out there, there’s a new verb about to be included in the global lexicon – purelled.

I mean, I break wind and grab a bottle of that magical salve in case some of those airborne rockets lands on my fingertips.

You’ve seen that green bottle of gold everywhere – college campuses, office lobbies, restrooms and even football stadiums.

However, this next story from the Pennsylvania Patriot-News gives a fresh and sanitized meaning to “Cleanliness is next to godliness” as holy water is being replaced by… you guessed it, hand sanitizer.

“In an effort to minimize exposure to the H1N1 flu and other diseases, we have joined other Catholic churches in temporarily removing the Holy Water from the entrances to the Cathedral,” the St. Patrick Cathedral bulletin informed parishioners on Sunday.

Apparently, the sign of the Cross isn’t good enough for church-going folk. Now, we will place our flu-ridden bodies in the hands of the Red Cross.

“Please remember that when greeting people before and after Mass and during the Sign of Peace, a simple head bow can replace the handshake and be healthier for everyone,” the bulletin said.

No more shaking hands during service. Keep the flu out of the pews, brothers and sisters! Now, it’s just the knowing nod until further notice.

Hopefully this pandemic will end by 2012. That’s election season. What’s a politician to do when they can’t “shake hands and kiss babies”?! Poor things.

The Anglican Church of England, much like the Roman Catholic Church worldwide, like to share. I know, sweet, right?

Aerobic exercises during mass (“Stand,” “sit,””kneel”… “roll over”), pawing out of the same hands for the Eucharist and sipping out of the same cup (or chalice, depending on how shee-shee your particular house of worship wants to be).

Church. For when you really want to take cover.

Church. For when you really want to take cover.

Sound familiar? Well, now we can add communicable disease to the collection, thanks to this story from CNN.

The archbishops of Canterbury and York are recommending that churches stop sharing the chalice at communion over swine flu fears, the Church of England said Thursday. The archbishops wrote a letter to all Church of England bishops with the recommendation. It follows government advice not to share “common vessels” for food or drink so as not to spread the virus.

The “common vessel” in question in typically reminiscent of the mug Indiana Jones went trolling during his Holy Grail excursion, made nice with the Knights Templar, fought a gaggle of Nazis and bumped into James Bond. Not Roger Moore or the current blue-eyed dude. The other guy.

Anywhoo. The same golden chalice is given to the every believer standing in line waiting to take a sip of the wine. Sure, the cleric wipes it every time, but does that single cloth once-over does a lot for some slob with herpes and meningitis?

And, now we need to worry about folk walking around with swine flu. Nice. As if eternal damnation wasn’t enough to worry about, we have the dreaded H1N1.

“The Department of Health have recently advised us that ‘in a pandemic it makes good sense to take precautions to limit the spread of disease by not sharing common vessels for food and drink,'” the archbishops write in the letter.

Yeah, I would say that’s a good call. As if the dude walking up to the Bishop with the surgical mask draped across his grill wasn’t enough warning. So, lather up in Purell folks. Your next communion really could be your last supper.

(A little too dramatic? Man, I need to stop watching the news.)