Posts Tagged ‘smoking’

“Take a few minutes to give a big ‘God bless ya’ to your neighbors.”

These are some of the most feared words to come from a church pulpit since the Dark Ages when the Papacy would extol, “So, um, indulgences for sale. Anyone a sinner today?”

Men pretend they have to go pee, have a call they immediately have to take for concern of national security or may decide that now is a good time to check on the kids in the nursery. Anything except meet and greet people that may or may not be seen at Luby’s after service.

Maybe it’s an intrusion in private space. Perhaps it’s the swine flu. Or it could just be some fellas aren’t the biggest “people persons.” Whatever this interdenominational plague is, there has always been something to it.

And now, thanks to this story from WOW News’ (and Reuters) Faithworld, we know why:

Men who go to church regularly prefer “proper macho songs” and feel uncomfortable with hugging and sitting in circles discussing their feelings, a survey for Christian men’s magazine “Sorted” has found.

Macho Jesus

I guess this is more of the idea

This UK survey found that men want to worship Jesus as-is: A MAN!

So, uh, what? Right before praise and worship, splash on a little Old Spice to get you in the spirit?

How about before the pastor gets up, all the men count to three and let fly? Sure, that’s macho.

Or possibly – if Christian manly men are slightly more daring – walk up to some dude and ask him to build a confessional on the spot. Now, that’s what real men do, right?

Nearly 60 percent of respondents said they enjoyed singing, but were more motivated by “proclamational” hymns than sentimental-type songs.

Well, it’s not like the band has a Karaoke machine plugged in blaring “Send in the Clowns” or anything by Celine Dion. It’s WORSHIP, you tools.

Men were also uninspired by church discussion groups, with many suggesting that the pub would be a much better place for interacting.

Yeah, because “the pub” is a particularly sweet joint to crush a few Sprites and ensure the smoke in there is actually from the incense you just lit because you invited your priest. Right, macho guy?

Take this virile fellowshipper, who is probably heavily mustachioed and rocking the chest tuft with gold chains:

Jesus recruited a bunch of 12 ordinary blokes before he began his ministry proper. They spent three years together doing stuff,” said Sorted’s publisher and managing editor Steve Legg. “He sat down and ate with them and built relationships,” Legg said, explaining how the church should go about reaching the male congregation.

...Or perhaps this guy?

...Or perhaps this guy?

I guess we should just avoid at all costs those frilly parables about Mary Magdalene, Martha (first to praise a resurrected Jesus), Anna the Prophetess, Priscilla and then there’s that annoying little girl… um, oh yeah, Jesus’ MAMA!

Sigh. I guess I’ll turn in my man card because I see way too many opportunities in the Bible to evangelize that have to deal with those pesky women. Tenets such as faith, virtue, steadfastness, determination and sacrifice.

But who cares as long as I can get my Sunday morning man crush on about Samson, Paul, Solomon (a real ladies man) and Peter (the cutting-ears-off Peter, not the get-thee-behind-me one… big wussy). Good times.

Airports can be chaotic and frentic this time of the year.

If I was in public relations (you know, like I am now), I would think it to be a shrewd idea to create fanfare and frivolity in the terminals to spread the Christmas love among the already freaked-0ut travelers.

Airport KaraokeSo, I would hang up decor, dawn volunteers and staff with elf hats, spray fake snow all over the ticket checkout counters and pipe in Christmas carols ad-nauseum over the public address system. However, if I were in Houston’s Bush Intercontinental Airport, I would go one qualmish step further – karaoke!

There it is, just past the security checkpoint, set atop a small stage: a karaoke machine adorned with Christmas lights and stockings shaped like cowboy boots. There’s even a team of Christmas elves _ airport employees the rest of the year. “A little holiday karaoke while you wait? It’s fun and it’s free,” cooed Ashley Thompson. “You could be a star.”

Lady, it’s an airport. This ain’t American Idol, and I don’t think one of those polyester-clad ticket agents have Simon Cowell on the speed dial in case you do not make the stray cats outside jump in front of airport buses. But good on ya’ for grasping the spirit of marketinger, the holidays.

So, lounge lizards everywhere, get ready. Your 15 minutes start now and you are one leg warmer-wearing tweenager with a hyperactive cell phone away from becoming a YouTube sensation. Dust off the crushed velvet tuxedo and ruffled undershirt, grab your throat lozenges, pack of Kools and prepare to howl at the top of your coach-class lungs.

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-COUGH-la.

Meet Rev. Michael Dowd.

This is an ordained, licensed minister. One who evidently – by default, no less – believes Jesus Christ rose from the dead and sits at the right hand of the Father. You know, all that “saved and sanctified Christian” mumbo-jumbo.

So, odd that THIS GUY is the same tool who believes – and I quote: one who believes that spreading the word of Darwin is vital to the health of Christianity.

Sorry? How? Is this like that same demented sense of surreality the Church of Satan uses when it claims, “Satan is the best friend the Church has ever had because he has kept it in business all these years.” Let’s see if he is really that kind of a dolt. Mikey?

“God didn’t stop revealing truths vital to human well-being back when people believed the world was flat and religious insights were recorded on animal skin,” Dowd said. “God is still revealing today through the worldwide, self-correcting scientific process.

an-unbiblical-truth“Self-correcting”?! You mean, as in that whole biblical declaration of the secret Christians motley crew known as an ichthus actually becoming a real, gill-breathing fish that eventually walks on land, then upright, then grows the ability to reason and have kids? Like that? Noting your cheeky book cover, I would say that’s correct.

So, come on. What’s the real reason for this compromise of theology, chronology and marine biology?

“As long as people think they can praise God and trash the environment or treat others in a disrespectful way, they’re out of touch with reality.”

Ah, there’s the rub. So, Rev. Is your next message going to be at Greenpeace? Al Gore’s next hubbub?

Listen, I get it. The environment’s stability and well-being is crucial to our own, you know, stability and well-being. In six days, God created this thingy we call Earth, and he gave us dominion over it. I know, but there’s a catch: mankind no longer feels the need to carry out that dominion. I guess it’s been watching “The Lion King” and hearing “The Circle of Life” humming in their ears too long. Regardless the cause, its effect is littering, burning toxins and treating our atmosphere like some used bedsheet at a sleazy motel.

But no matter how egregious that gets and how swooned you are by all the “inconvenient truths” in the world, you cannot sell out your incontrovertible truth in the Lord just because you don’t breathe as well in NYC as you would in Billings, Montana.

It’s bad enough we ar so uber-PC, we have an eco-Bible on the market. But hey, maybe there’s a reason they call the mountains “God’s Country.” Either way and either location, your tail needs to get back in church.

At least that’s what delusional “parishioners” will be saying in the Netherlands’ newest church, “The One and Universal Smokers Church of God.”

Yes, way! Check out the story here.

Like everywhere else it seems, smoking is being banned. But instead of going outside to bomb their car during a smoke break, these tools have decided to revolt against the public smoking ban by forming a church!

‘We stand firmly behind the church’s teachings and that is smoking,’ Cor Busch, owner of the former Lindeboom café in Alkmaar told the paper. ‘Smokers are being discriminated against… but a beer and a cigarette belong together.’

And, as if that wasn’t good enough for a one-way trip to hell, there’s this:

People who join the church get a membership card entitling them to smoke inside the building. Worshippers believe in the trinity of smoke, fire and ash and honour their god by smoking.

You realize this dimwitted excuse of a political statement will open the floodgates for impious advertising and the like. I mean, how do you market this eh, church? The Marlboro man with a halo and a pack of reds rolled up in his toga? Creating the 10 Commandments of ‘rolling your own,’ including “Thou Shalt Not Smoke Unfiltered Looseys”?

Or how about prayer time? Someone runs up to the altar looking for lung cancer, because you know, without it the follower of this church just doesn’t seem committed enough?! Amazing. You folk deserve each other, and the overwhelming stench that accompanies you AFTER you leave the room.

He calls it the buzz that healsEvery once in a while, wall watchers need a refresher as to what God may be warning us about these days. What he is unhappy about and how he is a little terse of things being represented as “churchy”.

Meet Shawn Fluewelling.

Sorry, that’s “Rev.” Fluewelling, who believes his civil and religious liberties have been violated. You see, Rev here is an advocate of smoking tree, getting baked and calling it religion.

Rev. Toker faces one felony count of possession with the intent to deliver and a misdemeanor count of possessing paraphernalia after police found nine grams of pot in plastic baggies inside his Meridian [Idaho] home.

That’s some sacrament.

Oh yeah, the name of his “church” is “The Hawai’i Cannabis Ministries”. Ain’t that cute, even dazed and confused, Mr. Hippie Lettuce here can make a funny. T-H-C Ministries? Hello? Anyone smell brownies?

Well, after you watch the news report from KIVI-TV on the link, brownies may not be the only thing you should smell from this wannabe ganja head Rastafarian.