Posts Tagged ‘sex’

NEWS FLASH: His statement cometh.

“Categorically Deny.” Two words in issued while submerged in hot water scream another two words louder in the human vernacular than any other, “I’m guilty.”

Of course, that’s what Bishop Eddie Long‘s lawyers had to say late yesterday as he posted a well-crafted and certainly sincere statement to his website.

All I ask is for your patience as we continue to categorically deny each and every one of these ugly charges.

Eddie Long sans cleric outfit

Maybe it's a P90X before and after shot?

Well, that’s reassuring. Granted, this media feeding frenzy of him boinking armor bearers (my assumption on the armor bearers can be read here) and sending pictures of the Bishop all swolled in spandex (more on that in a moment) has the Christian nation in quite a kerfuffle. One famed and scarred preacher in particular (again, keep reading for that gem).

However, as a pastor, I suppose Bishop Long is only used to showing out on Sundays, so he will wait until then to visibly “categorically deny” these heinous charges:

I am anxious to respond directly to these false allegations and I will do so. However, my lawyers have counseled patience at this time.

Again, that’s nice. I mean, if I was a member of his church, I would certainly feel fine about him waiting almost a full week to tell me he’s not guilty.

Before we throttle that crisis communications strategy, let’s review. Better yet, let’s allow ABC News to do that:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I’ve been around the Church for years. Decades even. And nowhere in my experience with consulting pastors do I see a passage of scripture that suggests rocking the UnderArmour to impress your sheep. Does that help them graze more effectively? Do you get more well-shewn Kashmir sweaters if the flock is exposed to the “gun show”?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Back to the statement.

Bishop Eddie Long is hemorrhaging over this alleged incident, and yet, he allows his attorneys to make public statements for him… and that’s supposed to make it all right?!

It’s bad enough he doesn’t care enough to immediately respond to this mess, he is having a gaggle of white folk talk noise to his highly not-so-white congregation. Yeah, that’ll do it. You dolt.

It is completely obvious why he “feels the Lord” telling him to wait until the Sabbath to respond? In all his years of impromptu preaching, even the verbose Eddie Long will need a ghostwriter for this message. It will caked with legalese and PR speak… you know, like any good Congressional representative busted for the same thing. (What? Too soon?)

There will nothing genuine about this retort because it didn’t come from him. The only that clearly did come from the Bishop are those pictures and the aggressive needs delivered by now four men.

However, he pleads for mercy and understanding… and patience… has earned Eddie Long one fan: Meet Ted Haggard.

The man who hand-led his family through a harangue of male prostitution, drugs and oh yeah, “categorically denying” it every step of the way has decided that what Eddie Long needs is his valuable endorsement:

Good times, Bishop Long. Good times. The more things change, the more they stay the same, no? But hey, we still have this:

Finally, as I have done for thousands of others over my decades of preaching, I ask for your prayers for me, my family and our church. On Sunday, at New Birth, I will respond to my congregation.

And the world brother. Because believe me, we will all be listening. You know, just the way your lawyers planned it.

(Oh, how I wish I had more time in my day to blog about breaking news like this…)

For years in the “Chitlin’ Circuit”, wayfaring Christian soldiers have heard the eerie whispers of Bishop Eddie Long’s desire to create his own army that marched under a different flag – a rainbow one that wisped gently in the wind.

Yesterday, FOX News in Atlanta broke the news and the mothership ran with the information.

Masonry Shout Out to Pastor Foster at GCM Watch

The prominent pastor of a 25,000-member megachurch [New Birth Missionary Baptist Church] near Atlanta denies allegations in a lawsuit that he coerced three young men from the congregation into a sexual relationship, his attorney said.

Lawyers for two of the men, now 20 and 21, filed the lawsuit Tuesday in DeKalb County Court against Bishop Eddie Long. The third lawsuit was filed Wednesday. The Associated Press generally does not identify people who say they were victims of sexual impropriety.

Although church vernacular is not pointed out in this story, I have $10 that says these men were young, impressionable “armor bearers.” They wanted to be the apple of Bishop Long’s muscle shirt and would do anything to be that way. Evidently, and allegedly, they did.

Go to any black church and you will find an uber-zealous gentleman dressed in a pinstriped 10-button suit with square-toed gators bought from a swap meet and jewelry that crawls up the sleeve when faced with water. You’ve seen them? Yeah, these are “Armor Bearers”.

MEMO to those pastors instituting this “biblically based” model of discipleship: It doesn’t exist. In fact, after David’s reign in 1 Kings, the word doesn’t exist.

Back then, some tool carried the literal armor of a king. Now, a better dressed tool carries the “sword” of the pastor and doubles as the pastor’s bodyguard. Assistants are important. Pastors who answer to the “Executive” and “Senior” pastor are necessary for order in the house of God.

Ironic how he is rumored to act like a shady Catholic priest

However, getting a kid who is susceptible to brainwashing because of a Daddy complex to serve the “Mand of Gawd” (shout out to my man, IST) is nothing but abuse.

And so, we have this story about Bishop Eddie Long (this is CNN’s version).

A spokesman for Long told CNN on Wednesday that the allegations are “a case of retaliation and a shakedown for money by men with some serious credibility issues.” Long “categorically and adamantly denies these allegations,” said spokesman Art Franklin.

“Defendant Long has a pattern and practice of singling out a select group of young male church members and using his authority as Bishop over them to ultimately bring them to a point of engaging in a sexual relationship,” the suits allege.

Rumors of trips to foreign lands, open access bedrooms at the church and ample in flagrante delicto are also alleged. And at what cost? Another preacher bites the dust.

You know, it’s getting to the point the only people you can believe discussing and ministering the Bible are folk outside of a pulpit.

Hey wait. I think we’re on to something… Hmmm…

And before you ask, yes, this is legit sans photoshop.

That is a Playboy magazine cover with what looks like a silly choir boy depicting Jesus Christ holding hands with a half butt-naked, Portuguese model. And although this is completely blasphemous, you think anyone is raising a kerfuffle about this?

What’s that? Haven’t heard this story on CNN? Didn’t catch wind of this through ABC? Was even a mystery on TBN and Daystar, for God’s sake?

Yeppers.

Why did they do something so heinous, so sardonic and so blatant. ‘Cause they can.

Once again, my theory rings true: Christianity is the world’s only legal prejudice – without reprocussion, without fear.

And add to the list the publisher of Playboy Portugal. Well, former publisher as it seems even porno, viagra should-be spokesman Hugh Hefner has scruples, according to MSNBC.

Theresa Hennessy, who is vice president of public relations at Playboy, told the newspaper, “We did not see or approve the cover and pictorial in the July issue of Playboy Portugal,” adding that “it is a shocking breach of our standards and we would have not allowed it to be published if we had seen it in advance.”

“We are in the process of terminating our agreement with the Portuguese publisher,” Hennessy said.

Ya’ think?! Yes, it would be lovely if Christians everywhere united and got off their blessed assurance to call the publication and demand more than just a slight “termination” (because you know the executives will be given jobs at Playboy Ukraine or something like that). But I enjoy living so I don’t think I will hold my breath.

What I will do is this: groan, kick and scream at anyone who bothers to spread the crap a skosh too thin with the half-baked “It’s freedom of press and speech” argument. Can you imagine if that was Muhammad on the cover? Hell, Louis Farrakhan even?

Hef’s brothel would be carpetbombed within the hour! Yet, here we go, back to church on Sunday, “Gurl… can you believe that cover. Child, please. You know God don’t like ugly.”

“Come on HiScrivener. They are cancelling the publication. What more do you want?”

Yeah, not so fast. Here’s the real reason:

The magazine’s Portuguese subsidiary, Frestacom-Lisbon Media Publishing, reportedly neglected to show the cover to Playboy before publication, thereby breaching the licensing agreement between the two companies.

Ah well. So much for scruples.

Go straight to jail

There is no go for them to pass

Ofttimes in the world of law enforcement, the bad guys get away. Then, with some due diligence, the bad guys gets caught and are thrown in the pokey.

And then there are cases like this one that make you scratch your head, scream out loud and wonder, “If I was God, I would so hurl a lighting rod straight up his blessed assurance.”

Don’t believe me?

Dateline: Concord, N.H. where we are introduced to a girl who loves Jesus, goes to church and is active in her youth group. That is until she was raped by a jackleg perverted fool more than twice her age who went to church with her.

Then…

After being raped and impregnated by a fellow churchgoer more than twice her age, a 15-year-old Concord girl was forced by Trinity Baptist Church leaders to stand before the congregation to apologize before they helped whisk her out of state, according to the police.

It’s not like she was the town hussie and wore a scarlet letter embroidered on her ‘Hello Kitty’ shirt. This was a girl victimized and assaulted by some guy that if “vengeance was mine” would be looking at a gang of convicts on death row. Daily.

According to the story, this girl was sent to another church member’s home in Colorado, home-schooled and “not allowed to have contact with others her age.” Because when you are scarred in every way, that’s great love resembling Christ.

It wasn’t until this past February that Tina Anderson, who is now 28, decided to come forward after reading about other similar cases, “realizing for the first time it wasn’t her fault that she had been raped,” she told the police.

Psychology aside, don’t you think the so-called Christians she was forced to live with had a little… well, a whole heaping lot to do with her believing what that twisted and sardonic troglodyte did to her was her fault? Moving on…

Ernest Willis should have been caught 13 years ago.

Public Enemy #1... for now. (Courtesy: AP)

The silver lining? Meet Ernest Willis, 51, the man who did it and someone I hope learns how balmy the climate of the underworld really feels like.

However, there is a little stain to that cloud. It seems, according to an AP report, the girl’s former pastor Chuck Phelps may have been responsible for throwing her in a U-Haul halfway across the country.

Evidently, the “leaders” of that “church” had a ringleader (who is no longer “pastor” at said church).

Police have said their 1997 investigation was shelved because they could not locate the victim, and they are now investigating how much church leaders knew about the allegations.

Phelps said Anderson’s mother made the decision to move her to Colorado, while his role consisted of helping to find a family for her to live with. And of course, if you are buying that, then I happen to be in the market for some sweet real estate in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Call me?

You know, I know what this world is coming to. My only prayer is that I will be going much sooner than this mess will be coming. Thank you Lord Jesus, and please place your anointed Holy Spirit around that woman today.

More happy stuff next time, Wall Watchers. Peace.

By the looks of national TV ratings, not many people have been watching the “Miss USA” pageant for the past… decade.

And with the exception of Carrie Prejean and her Christian eh, purchased endowments, no one on earth could name the last nine Miss USAs, save Donald Trump. And he could only do it with his wife’s help.

Enter newly crowned Miss USA 2010 Rima Fakih. Come on down! You’re the contestant on “Something is just not right.”

Sure, she's cute... but look behind her mosque.

According to ABC News (and the aforementioned link… with video), the triumphant walk for the new Miss USA took her straight into controversy as a Muslim woman who flaunts her beauty, and who once flaunted it so well she won a stripper contest.

Shortly after the release of pictures showing Fakih cradling a dozen roses across her strapless white dress while balancing a shimmering tiara on her head, came photos of Fakih in red short shorts, a tiny tank top and towering stilettos while balancing against a pole.

Fakih won the “Stripper 101” contest which was sponsored by a Detroit radio show Mojo in the Morning in 2007.

Well, good times. Had this mess came out about Prejean before the gay marriage hullabaloo, she would have been lampooned. But then again, her mouth and insatiable appetite deserved that ire anyway.

But here is this nice little Muslim girl, and because we can’t hate on any other religion sans those associated Jesus Christ, this ‘private dancer’ gets a pass for earning a quick buck.

Keep it classy, America.

However, since Christians aren’t allowed to espouse any views against this flashdance, then what about her homies in Hezbollah? According to FOX News, meh?

In an interview Tuesday with Lebanese television, Hezbollah official Hassan Fadlallah reportedly had few glowing words to describe Fakih, who became the first Muslim American on Sunday to secure the crown. “The criteria through which we evaluate women are different from those of the west,” Fadlallah told the television station, AFP reported.

In other words, “We haven’t seen the tape yet, but when we do, her USO tour will be interesting.”

Of course, even comparing her with Hezbollah, the hub for terrorism is a farce… and a conservative one at that. Thanks CNN:

“Absolutely not,” Fakih told CNN’s Octavia Nasr. “That is a stereotype and a prejudiced statement made by only one reporter who had made that title before I was crowned Miss USA.” The blogger’s accusation “was completely made up out of her own prejudiced mind,” she said.

So, back to the stripping.

Anyone outraged by this? Not so much because only the people who work for Donald Trump and the families of contestants seem to watch this mess any longer.

However, it is alarming how many people aren’t talking about this. Typically, that number directly reflects the many people who were lighting their torches and arming themselves with pitchforks over what we believed was a kind-hearted Christian speaking her mind and faith.

Can anyone say, “Double standard.”

What Fakih is no more worse than half the women who begin as drunken troglodytes during Spring Break and end up as fodder for “Girls Gone Wild” or something they will surely regret when they reach… sobriety.

Heck, she was wearing more clothes in the video than on stage during the swim suit competition. The premise is the flagrant double standard.

The winners of this competition used to be positioned for role model-hood. Entertaining the masses while showing girls around the world how to be a dignified woman with purpose and passion.

Instead, with the inclusion of silicon valley (no, not the tech place in California) and scruples so elastic, I could slingshot a canoe with them, the Miss USA contest is no more than a contest for 15 minutes and an opportunity to get lots of swag in the name of yourself.

Is that the Arab-American way? Nah, but she’s a step in the right direction. Unfortunately.