Posts Tagged ‘Santa Claus’

In case you haven’t noticed, I enjoy pictures. Not that I am a closet photographer or anything, but I do believe visuals communicate a lot, despite whatever fetching and fitful phrases I can string together.

Among those pictures that provide HiScrivener with many giggles are celebrity mug shots. For some reason, famous people when confronted by the boys (or girls) in blue think it’s just another photo-op instead of mean muggin’ to garner street cred in the clink.

santa-mugNoteworthy head shots like Nick Nolte, James Brown, Jacko… and even this popular dude are good for a full day of joy in my deranged world.

So, when I found a veritable cornucopia on “The Smoking Gun” of the Jolly Old Fat Man caught on candid camera.

O’ good times indeed. As a mere tyke, I always believed the shopping mall Santas carried that familiar holiday, malodorous scent of cheap liquor, mouthwash and Brylcream.

Now, I have proof. Visit the aformentioned link as my present to you.

Merry Christmas everyone. And to all a great night!

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Ah, the warmth of the holidays.

Hot cocoa by an open-lit fire. Presents under the tree. Nat King Cole crooning “The Christmas Song”. And a condom handed to you by Santa Claus himself. Yep, it truly is the most wonderful time of the year…er…you say one of those things don’t belong?!

santacondoms2Makes sense to most Canadians who live in Toronto, as Santa was personally invested in who was naughty or nice as the Durex condom company paid perverted St. Nicks to hand out provolactics to passers-by. Stay Classy, Father Rated X-mas.

A press release from the company explained that costumed representatives, dressed as Santa Claus, would be handing out the condoms beginning on Tuesday, December 16. “This holiday season, Durex(R) wants lovers to really feel the Love,” says the release. “Helping Canadians get in the mood to wrap their packages, Durex and Santa will start celebrating the holidays by handing out Love condoms this Tuesday, December 16, 2008 in downtown Toronto. Giving never felt so good!”

Eartha Kitt would be puuuurfectly ashamed, as this gives a completely new and debauched meaning to “Santa Baby.”

It’s bad enough these tools at Durex think this is a kitschy enough idea to do during Christmas, paying no attention to the whole Jesus over tones, but does anyone at that worthless company understand who Saint Nicholas was in the first place?

Despite the ironic fact he looks an awful lot like Charles Darwin, he is a patron saint… as in revered Catholicism… and they may as well be doing this on the campus of Notre Dame for a bigger offense to that group of God-fearing folk. I guess the twisted street team could hae dressed up as priests, but they may have looked too conspicuous, eh?

So, Roman Catholics and all Greek and Eastern Orthodox believers alike, here is my present to you: Durex’s contact information.Forget the raincoat, USE THAT LINK to make a difference! Speech may be free, but I sincerely hope it costs Durex a lot. Hey, we all spend money this time of year. Let’s pray they spend more than most.

John Lennon said something stupid in 1966, and Christians have publicly protested The Beatles ever since. [NOTE: I know many Jesus folk that consider “White Album” to be among the holy grails in their collection, but that opinion is never shared publicly.] He said to the London Evening Standard

“Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue with that; I’m right and I will be proved right. We’re more popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first – rock ‘n’ roll or Christianity. Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.”

Hey, at least he was forgiven for it… eh, last month. So, I wonder how long the stain from this story will last?

cowellxmasPopularity is something you extol – in a dumb, shortsighted type of way. Fame, on the other hand, is something that is heaped upon you. And like turds in a shovel being hurled into the trash, some people let that fame collect on their shoulders like dandruff.

And to continue with the analogy, Simon Cowell needs to see a dermatologist with the quickness after the results of a recent survey came out from hundreds of prepubescent kids in Great Britain.

In a sample of 1,600 under-10s, the TV personality was the top answer to the question: “Who is the most famous person in all the world?” God and the Queen ran a close second and third.

You would think Christmas would up the anty there, and God would have skewed a little higher, but then again if that were true, Simon would be more famous than Santa Claus. And how would you like that tool delivering your presents? There would be such a shortage of coal in this county, Greenpeace would throw a party!

I wonder if God would hold a Karaoke night in heaven? That may increase his awareness on YouTube at least. It worked for Sanjaya and William Hung. “He-bangs”, anyone?

funny-reindeer

May as well throw employment in there too

What the heck is going with the Anglican Church in Jolly Ol’ England? Extreme Makeover: Christmas Edition?!

When I think of Christmas, I envision three wise dudes bearing gifts, angels with clarion messages and sweet baby Jesus. However, some priests in the Anglican Church have decided to create a new Christmas story, one more to their sardonic liking:

But now Hindu snowmen, a Chinese dragon and a Jewish temple are also to be included in an attempt to make the celebrations more inclusive of Britain’s diverse communities. Westminster Abbey will unveil life-size snowmen that Anglican clergy hope will help to improve relations and dialogue between other faiths. Dressed in turbans, with bindi dots on their foreheads, they are intended to demonstrate that Christmas should not be exclusively for Christians.

The Rev Jane Hedges, a canon at the abbey, said that it was important to encourage people from other faiths to join in the celebrations. “We’ve done this as it creates a good opportunity for Christians to meet and hear about the stories of people of other faiths,” she said. “Christmas is an opportunity for everyone to stop and think and is a great opportunity for the different faiths to talk to one another. “Wherever you’re coming from there should be something to celebrate at Christmas.”

Christmas is the most beautiful time of the year… namely for CHRISTIANS! Why is that so difficult to decipher?!

People don’t buy Hindu trees, Muslim presents or a Buddha ornament for said twig and garland. Now there is that thing about Santa Claus being an anagram for Satan… well, Claus, but I don’t hear that being brought up in “Universalism 101 Bible Study”

MEMO to Rev. Jane of the Apes here: Any day is a good opportunity for different faiths to talk to one another, it’s called work. However, if you are so consumed with homily that you can detect the right time to actually live one out, then there is a lot more you should be doing to discuss Christ than a stupid celebration round the old oak tree.

However the smarmy side of me wonders what Easter would be like at this dumb chic’s church? What, a rabbit being lifted out of the earth, with a halo taped to its ears and then every Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu and Atheist can take turns in punditry debating the bunny’s existence.

Good times.


The Middle East really hasn’t been a tourist haven of bliss lately given the wars and terroristic bombing sprees, but the times they are a ‘changin’, as noted in the USA Today.

After eight bleak years, Jesus’ birthplace finally has a Christmas season to cheer about. Hotels are booked solid through January, Manger Square is bustling with tourists, and Israeli and Palestinian forces are working to make things go smoothly.

happy_birthday_jesusApparently, there is a big tourism business – and Christian emigration – blossoming in Bethlehem… again. Nice to know the Christian pilgrims want to check out the “Disciples in the Hood.” So, obviously the local business owners are experiencing a little heaven on earth:

Bethlehem’s 19 hotels are fully booked through January, said Mayor Victor Batarseh. He said he expects 30,000 visitors on Christmas Eve alone, compared with 22,000 last year, with about 5,000 more expected during Orthodox rites in January.

To what can we attribute the recent buzz in Baby Jesus in the Holy Land? Brilliant marketing slogans like, “Wal-Mart has nothing on the lights we have for the holidays,” “Santa Claus Blows: Visit the real North Pole” or if the West Bank tourism board felt a little spunky, “Bethlehem: We are the bomb!” Too much?

Just imagine all the tchotchkeys they can sell from the Nativity story?!  ‘Going Kosher for the Holidays’ cookbooks, ‘I found Jesus’ t-shirts, birthday cake sales, quench your thirst with ‘Jesus Juice’ from the Jordan river…and all those “babe in a manger” onesies. Nice.

“Calm and an increase in tourism will create more job opportunities and encourage families to stay in the city,” said Batarseh, who is Christian. Officials say 40% of the town’s 32,000 residents are Christian, down from 90% in the 1950s. The rest are Muslim.

Yeah, the economy and um, Christian persecution, will have an affect on the housing market, eh?  But one thing I didn’t find in the story is does anyone know what Jesus would put on his “Me-mas tree”. Wait a while, it’ll take.