Posts Tagged ‘Salvation Army’

So, when a guy is leading the rally cry for the Red Kettle, and ring-a-ding-dinging in front of grocery stores all over Wisconsin, a dude needs an outlet. Right?

Meet Captain Johnny Harsh of the Oshkosh Salvation Army branch.


And these guys are still single? Come on!

Unfortunately, Captain Johnny is a widower. He’s lonely in the winter standing in front of barren stores, packed parking lots and greeted by people who are either on the cell phone, in a mysterious 50-yard dash to get inside or just have their pants on fire. Anything, but make eye contact with Johnny wishing you, “Merry Christmas” as he ogles that red kettle in hopes of you dropping a dime.

And then he figures those aren’t phone numbers getting dropped in his kettle, and that red apron is not that fetching for the ladies, so he waxes his board and surfs an online Christian dating site. He met the cryptically named “Cia”, fell in love and now will lose his job if he marries her. Huh?!

Harsh, a widower, is engaged to a woman who isn’t affiliated with the Salvation Army — and that is against Salvation Army rules. Major Robert Thomson, the Salvation Army divisional commander, told Action 2 News by phone, “Captain Harsh, through some decisions of his own he has made that deal with his personal life and personnel, we’re just working through those decisions that he’s making, and because it’s a personnel issue I can’t say more than that.”

Well, good thing human resources got to you before – you know – your conscience did, eh, Major?

Thanks to a follow-up from the Huffington Post, we get more information about this ludicrous cause for a pink slip:

Harsh said the organization’s rules regarding marriage are outdated, unfair and must be changed, but he doesn’t want his personal situation to harm the Salvation Army… “[The rules] are not scriptural. They are man-made,” Harsh said. “God could care less about the uniform or a position. I am doing this so future officers don’t have to go through what I went through.”

What, these antiquitous neanderthals don’t have Salvation Army networking events where Captain Johnny can hook up with those red kettle starlets hanging out on the West Coast? Because if a brother has a hankering for only Salvation Army chics, then why not go after ones that take credit cards? Makes cents to me.

Maybe you heard the story?

In the Washington state capital, we have a heartwarming, puke-laden, P.C. Christmas fresh with boughs of holly, a nativity scene and least to the fold, a sign from the “Freedom from Religion Foundation” that reads – at the feet of baby GPS Jesus no less:

There is only our natural world. Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.

I don’t know about you, but I am all warm and toasty with Yuletide cheer. Let’s go kick over some Salvation Army red kettles, beat up some homeless and flame up some local Angel Trees just to keep the presents. How ’bout it?

Are you kidding me? Well, it turns out I’m not only one with a weed about this story. Meet “Papa Bear” (homage to Colbert) Bill O’Reilly. You may have heard of him? Enjoy!

And to be fair… because you never know when Santa is watching to throw you on a lump of coal. Is Ho-Ho-Ho even necessary any more?! Ah well, there’s always New Years. They can’t ska-roo that up. Can they?

The next generation of NYC homeless - now kick them out in the cold!

The next generation of NYC homeless - now kick them out in the cold!

Wall Watchers, if you know anyone in the Big Apple who may be homeless, please buy them a hotel room.

Otherwise, according to bah-humbug this story on WCBS-TV, if they are out in the cold, they could chafe with freezer burn because they aren’t getting any help. Nada.

City officials have ordered 22 New York churches to stop providing beds to homeless people. With temperatures well below freezing early Saturday, the churches must obey a city rule requiring faith-based shelters to be open at least five days a week — or not at all.

Arnold Cohen, president of the Partnership for the Homeless, a nonprofit that serves as a link with the city, said he had to tell the churches they no longer qualify.

Hrm. So, what’s better? A homeless person in that city knowing there is three hots and a cot waiting them on Sundays and Wednesdays, or just none at all because a small church of 300 just doesn’t have the bandwidth?!

Yeah, that’ll keep them warm in the winter to know the government has got their back… and plenty of newspaper to keep them warm in the winter.

And why? It’s all about curb appeal.

“We really don’t want people sleeping on the streets, on grates, on church steps. We want people sleeping in beds,” said Homeless Commissioner Robert Hess.

Oh, well since you put it that way. Survival of the fittest to the homeless! Let the wind chill sort them out. Ho-ho-ho.

An ad worth considering

An ad worth considering

So, you are walking up to your favorite store and hear the familiar “ching ching” of a bell. If you have half a heart – and a little bit of spare coin – you reach in your pocket past the lint and day-old gum to drop in the red bucket of the Salvation Army.

The ringing may get on your nerves, and walking penniless past those friendly volunteers may plague you with guilt, but they are there for a reason. Well, fret no more. The red kettle club has a solution to rid you the anguish for giving your nickles and dimes away – credit.

This season, five bell-ringers in El Paso County, Colo., will be the first to accept debit and credit cards along with spare change and bills. Salvation Army officials say the kettle tradition needs to be tweaked as consumers increasingly carry only plastic.

Yeah. About that? If some people are so self-entitled during the chaos known as “Xmas shopping” (because that part has nothing to do with Christ) and believe they can’t afford to lose a minute to dip into their pockets to you know… help the homeless, what in the world makes you think they are going to stand there and get the card approved?!

It’s an admirable try, but I just don’t see it working. And good thing because when the IRS shows up at a kettle near you, they may have an inkling to wonder just how much of that mysterious plastic money they get… to er, uh, you know, feed and clothe the homeless IRS agents across America. Poor babies.