Schuller: Show me the money! Please?

Last month, we spray painted the story on Elder Schuller “officially” filing bankruptcy.

It was like the quartet on the Titanic finally admitting to each other, “You know, with all these people frantically screaming and cursing the iceberg, I think we have a problem.” Nevertheless, he filed and no one was stunned.

Courtesy: Ana Venegas, Associated Press

Well, except him.

It seems this 84-year-old captain refuses to go down with the ship, according to the USA Today. That, or just wants one last cash grab for retirement.

“I need more help from you,” Schuller said, according to the Orange County Register. “If you are a tither, become a double-tither. If you are not a tither, become a tither. This ministry has earned your trust. This ministry has earned your help.”

Yeah, in this tough economy, we call that begging.

Let me get this straight: the Crystal Cathedral is $43 million in debt, is full of namby-pamby folk who “appreciate” positive thinking… and God, and has become the laughing stock of ecumenism.

Yet, the place where believers go to retire is going to become “double-tithers.” Keep it classy, Pops.

Despite the fact the media can’t get a single quote from Junior Schuller who was unceremoniously shown the door for first, a revolving door of positive thinkers and then finally, Sister Schuller. Let’s see how she did:

She assured church members Sunday that using “Biblical” money management the church would get out of bankruptcy. The congregation gave a standing ovation near the end of his daughter’s remarks.

That’s nice, but is it practical? This church is hemorrhaging and is home to thousands of believers.

And now they are being held hostage to an infomercial of inspiration in an effort to corral millions of dollars. Oh sure, blame the recession (he did), don’t pay your bills (he didn’t) and then hoard the cash.

Why do pastors with any notoriety fall in love with the fruit from the believers more than the believers themselves? We hope that guy will be the exception, but then stories like this keep coming up.

Does anyone have any sense?

“Sheila is really trying hard and she is a good person,” said Jean Hess, a member for 30 years and a greeter at the church’s doors. “But, I think, to get back to where it was, the church needs to look outside of the family to find a true leader.”

Yeah, that’s very logical but like anyone is going to pay to hear preach. Ah well, our heart will go on. God willing.

God Sighting of the Month: Jesus as the Bread of Life

It’s that time of the month again when we scour the Wall for some delusional stigmata enthusiast and post another “God Sighting of the Month.”

Only, it’s been hot this summer and everyone’s hallucinogens are causing different moments of grandeur, like the water tower melting and the refreshing tidal wave is coming toward your house. Anyone? Just me?

Lord Jesus! That's some good toast.

So we had to find a concocted vision, but this took some daft skill as seen in the UK’s Grimsy Telegraph:

“Give us this day our daily bread” – so says the Lord’s Prayer – but in Great Limber, it’s toasted! This stunning depiction of Christ’s Crucifixion may look like it has been painted on tiles, but is in fact made up of 153 pieces of carefully charred toast.

This “artist” is a 33-year-old bloke named Adam Sheldon who felt his calling was to make a sacred illumination of the most hallowed event in history out of something we place sandwich spread upon. And probably with the crusts cut off.

How in the world do you manipulate your toaster to do this with such precision?!

I mean, I put two slices in mine, walk away to go to the bathroom and you would think I put them in the microwave. They eject with the velocity of the space shuttle, completely burnt to a crisp.

And this guy comes off like Da Vinci with the same apparatus? Man, I need to go back to school.

My only theological question about this artistic rendition (and make no mistake, that’s art) hanging in his local church is this: Does this create an entirely new definition for the term “Burnt Offerings“?

Burger King learns how sacred the cow is to Hindus

Turn your head, vegan aficionados. We are about to talk hamburger, religion and the faith it takes to crush two all-beef grilled patties.

Nummmmm-y!

Shiva? Well done.

It seems Burger King, home of the Whopper, committed a big one in the world of advertising recently.

So much so that the global monarch of beef had to apologize to its Hindu customers all across Spain, as seen in WOW News’ Faith Central.

It seems like an oxymoron, I know. We have Hindus who arguably adores those bovine beauties more than the PETA folks and somehow know about an advertisement at a burger joint? Stranger things have happened.

Someone is not so committed to his or her Dharma, just sayin’.

“Burger King’s judgment in associating a burger with a Hindu goddess is absolutely baffling,” commented Suhag Shukla, director and legal counsel of the Hindu American Foundation.

The Brahma bedlam incensed the Hindu nation because that cute, quad-appendaged babe in the window is actually Lakshmi – the Hindu goddess of wealth, fertility and wisdom.

Whoops.

If that lack of theological research wasn’t bad enough, there’s that catchy headline in the ad:

“La Merienda es Sagrada,” which loosely means “Tea-time is Sacred”

Some believe that literally means “snack,” but eh. And in Hindu, snack literally means “hearty lettuce and turnips with ketchup.”

So, in an effort to redefine advertising jargon”for a limited time only,” as soon as that lovely photoshopped gem went up in windows, it came down like a luscious patty slabbed on a hot and steamy grill.

Well, that’s too bad. But it is a little surprising.

Looks like Jack is a Christian. Bad King, bad!

Hinduism is about the most polytheistic religion in the world, so how in the world did the Hindu nation keep up with this savvy burger babe?

How many Yogis show up jonesin’ for a triple stacker? Ever seen someone with an Avatar show up for a BK Value Meal? Well, that’s Hindu?!

I don’t know if Gandhi ever made it to Barcelona but good to know reincarnation makes it way to tropical climates.

It’s just a shame because this was Lakshmi’s chance at fame. And now, because of some meddlesome, tantric lacto veg-head, she has to go back in the life of some knobby-kneed five-year old in Tibet. Poor lady.

At least she did prove another BK advertising campaign, “It takes two hands to hold a Whopper.” Not so much. Thanks, Lakshmi!

Namaste.

Orlando Atheist looking to cash in as postal worker when left behind

Times are tough. People are getting two jobs to make ends meet. Some are changing careers for signing bonuses. But there are the few who dare to invest in the future.

Meet this tool: Joshua Witter, avowed Atheist and Orlando financial madcap.

You see, he’s got this cracked idea to scam Christians out of these cash in lieu of the rapture. Uh yeah, as in cashing in on being left behind.

About 70 people have paid the Orlando man about $5 a piece to get their messages to those doomed to face the plagues, pestilence and darkness of Armageddon.

No one knows the time or the hour, but hey, give this dolt your money to tell Mom an’dem your dancing in the heavenlies while they are wondering how they ended up on the movie set of “I Am Legend.”

Witter, who has professed “he’s screwed anyway,” has guaranteed these people who are so heavenly minded that he’ll deliver fond good byes to loved ones who will be no earthly good.

Here’s a thought: While these God-fearing people are busy digging under their pillow in the “Apocalypse Travel Fund” for this dude, anyone thought of possibly witnessing to the guy?!

I’m pretty sure we can all presume he’s on a one-way ticket to hell, so um, how about being a real Christian and try to derail his train ride to the pit?

While these buffoons are missing the mark, Witter is stretching his entrepreneurial wiles and marking a big fat “X” with his Web site, postrapturepost.com. Admittedly, it began as a joke but what’s that Mr. P.T. Barnum? More than every minute?

Since 2005, Witter said he has sold more than 200 items, most of them T-shirts and coffee mugs, and many of those (he admits) to friends and fellow atheists. Among the best sellers are the line of I-Told-You-So cards, which sell for $8. Some of those who ordered the cards — Witter suspects they are not true Christians — are willing to pay extra to have them sent early as Christmas cards.

What’s that? When you care enough to send the very least?

Witter has read all the “Left Behind” books, is convinced he ain’t going anywhere when Jesus comes to get all of us and is already planning on dealing with locusts in his Wheaties, bumping into walls because he can’t see a thing and trying not to sit with all the boils on his butt.

So, why not? Get paid while you are still here, right? At least, the dude’s got a brand promise:

“Your hope lies with me. I am your mailman,” he vows. “I’ll do my best come Hell or high water to deliver those letters.”

And I guess if Jesus doesn’t return while he is alive, all that money will act as a love offering. Ah, nice how things come full circle, eh?

Can’t sell your soul even if you wanted, at least not on eBay

So, the economy is in a recession and alternative modes of selling has gone rococo – pawn shops, garage sales and layaway has even made a strong comeback.

I can imagine people are looking under the bed and in-between couch cushions for extra change, so naturally, this bizarre story would be the next progression of things from the Independent in England.

A musician fed up with his life was today barred from selling his soul to the highest bidder. Dante Knoxx, 24, offered the “used” item for a starting bid of £25,000.50 or a buy it now price of £700,000 on the internet auction site eBay. But eBay pulled the listing today with about two hours to go and no bids because it breached one of the firm’s policies.

Evidently, you can’t sell items that are not “physical” on America’s fun loving home office Web site.

Despite the obvious concerns about theology, evangelism and salvation, this dude seriously needs to get his tail into Church!

Here is a guy who has no care for what exists a spiritual battle thundering in the skies above all in an interest for a quick buck to make his rent and keep his Star Wars DVD collection in tact. Huh?

“Unfortunately where I live there are hardly any jobs to keep a creative person like myself employed in anything other than boring, mundane office jobs.” Mr Knoxx was planning to use the money to get his experimental music group, Paradigm, which he created with his friend Zakk Altair, up and running. He quit his “shoddy job” as a laptop repair technician and said: “I leave it to you, the denizens of Earth, to purchase my actual soul and in return allow me to acquire some tasty capital.”

So, this fool has a hankering to not make a decent living in an effort to get the band back together? Seriously? Man, give up the Fender strat and pick up the classifieds. Maybe your soul is worth a little more if you have a career plan. Just a thought.