Posts Tagged ‘mark of the beast’

Coming to earth - in a theatre near you

Coming to earth - in a theatre near you

Last year, you may remember the fair warning to have your pets spayed or neutered in commemoration of the Mayan triune barnyard animal, Quetzalcoatl, who is a third snake, third bird and with some man parts sprinkled in there somewhere.

Brief history lesson: The Mayans had this quirky calendar back in 10 B.C. that ends December 21, 2012. I don’t know why?!

Maybe someone back then knew the economy would blow, the GOP couldn’t filibuster in Congress and “America’s Got Talent” would be on for another season. Woof!

Anywhoo, it seems 2012 is so far away, so the Q-Dog (and please know, being a member of Alpha Phi Alpha, Inc., that pains me to write :)) has decided to make a special guest appearance to our fare burgh.

And darn nice of him too considering he is going to kill us all in a few years for his “Age of Transition.”

In case you haven’t been to the movies lately, it seems Quetzalcoatl’s transition will slither a few years early, just in time to come to a theater near you. So, starring as bird-snake-guy would be John Cusack?!

Okay, a few issues with that thrilling score and fireball-laden preview:

1. Mankind’s earliest civilization was indeed not the Mayans, which neared due north of Anno Domini line. That distinction has historically gone to the Sumer, which hailed from the Fertile Cresent near that Garden of Eden thingy. Oh, and that more than 9,000 years before for those doing the math at home.

2. The preview – I presume the Q Dog’s warning to us all – speaks of this year. And of course, O Cristo Rendentor (the noted Jesus statue in Brazil) is the first sacrosanct thing to get pummeled in the wake of the Mayan bird-snake-guy. Figures.

3. The Vatican is second on the dog doo list. Classy. Haven’t seen a synagogue or a mosque yet, but eh, I’m sure that’s just a co-winky-dink.

4. A large isthmus is hurled in the ocean. Yeah, I think hydroelectricity may save California’s energy crisis too. [Idea credited to Al Gore or somesuch. Carry on.]

5. We are asked to “find out the truth.” Well, unless I see 2012 in my Bible somewhere, I don’t think I’m going to find it helping your Web traffic and marketing efforts. Oh, sorry, that’s what you wanted me to do… drat.

Lastly, I would like to opine about this teaser that has been airing in theatres for about a year-and-a-half, which means the Q Dog is really trying to us non-Mayans’ attention.

So, we have this monk running for the hills to ring a bell. Who will hear that tribal gong? Well, don’t worry about that right now.

What’s important is there is a flood a’coming. Question is, says who? Anyone in production… er, ancient Maya heard of Noah?

I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life (Genesis 9:14 NIV)

If this is the case, then why is that monsoon hanging ten over the Himalayas?!

Answer: That’s Hollywood.

However, it also preying on the lost and the scared. People are apocalyptic by nature. Those who have no hope stored up for heaven think hell is just a rain drop away. And they will look anywhere for a sign of impending doom, from eerie books of faith to ancient civilization to astrologers’ conferences discussing the coming of “what’s his name”.

It’s called faith, and we need to use it – not only to believe Jesus is coming back when he wants, but also to use and tell others of that glorious day.

Regardless if you are Dispensationalist Premillennialists, A-mills, Post-mills or even Historic Mills… it doesn’t erase the Bible… and I don’t need a movie for this headline:

Our Lord Jesus told us that when he comes, we won’t go up to meet him ahead of his followers who have already died. With a loud command and with the shout of the chief angel and a blast of God’s trumpet, the Lord will return from heaven. Then those who had faith in Christ before they died will be raised to life. Next, all of us who are still alive will be taken up into the clouds together with them to meet the Lord in the sky. From that time on we will all be with the Lord forever. (1 Thessalonians 4:15-17)

It’s going to happen, and whether you believe in Jesus or not, one thing I can tell you is there is no bird-snake-dude named Quetzalcotal coming to “transition” you into anything but a movie ticket, a bag of popcorn and about two hours of sweet thrills.

No one can say 2012 is doomsday or the Apocalypse, but I would rather wait upon the sound of a trump as validated through more than 2,000 of proven history than a mythological being that no one has ever documented in reality.

Anyone care to search for that truth? Just read a Bible… or I’m sure you can go to Blockbuster. I think there should be some copies of that Mel Gibson flick to rent. You know, if you like that sort of thing.

Capital vices. Cardinal Sins. Seven deadly sins. What. Ever.

The “Wicked Seven” [not an official pseudonym] are: lust, gluttony, greed, wrath, sloth, envy and pride. Many believe the Catholic Church pulled this list out of thin air, but Solomon may get all lathered up about that.

Call them what you will but these seven eventualities have been at the crux of the early Christian Church up to today, and evidently still giving us fits.

Take this story from the Las Vegas Sun (I know. I know. Insert your totally ironic joke here.) that discusses a study out of Kansas State University.

According to the study, each of the seven sins have certain geographic hubs within the United States. Because even Satan and his minions like to get their vacation on, I guess. Among the findings are:

Um, where do you live?

Um, where do you live?

> Lust, pride and wrath are big players below the Mason Dixon line.

Go figure. Folk got nothing better do while home on the range, so they believe they are cuter than they really are, cheat on their spouse and then end up mangled – or worse – for doing it. Sounds like a typical day at the office, eh?

> Greed is a coastal sin.

Imagine most places where big shipments can be delivered to the states – California and Washington (Pacific Ocean), Florida and New England (Atlantic Ocean) and Texas (Gulf of Mexico). You know, nose candy, hippie lettuce and any other peradventure that can be found on the black market. It’s the economy. Maybe sin just vacations with the upper crust. What do I know typing this from my trailer?

> Only three states really taste and see that the Lord is good.

Let’s see. Texas, the Carolinas and Tennessee. Anyone see a trend? I don’t know about you, but I’m about to buy stock in barbecue. Lawd, have mercy!

Something weird happened on the way to the Vatican the other day… the Pope has decided to become a PR professional and a film critic.

If anyone remembers, Il Papa despised Ron Howard’s first foray into the Dan Brown fictional chronicles of Catholicism known as “The Da Vinci Code”. I mean, especially since it almost cost the Vatican billions thanks to a ridiculous law suit over branding rights.

But evidently, after a Rome premiere, B16 has mad love for Tom Hanks, his acting ability and considers the movie… wait for it… archangels singing from on high… “harmless.” Huh?!

I know! The Pope was illuminated by the Illuminati. Who’da thunk it?

L’Osservatore Romano ran a review and an editorial in Wednesday’s edition, critiquing the movie based on the Dan Brown best-selling novel of the same name. The newspaper wrote that the movie was “a gigantic and smart commercial operation” filled with “stereotyped characters.” The paper suggested moviegoers could make a game out of finding the many historical inaccuracies in the plot.

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So that’s a complement, right? Underhanded and convoluted. But a complement, nonetheless.

One question though, Holy Father: What happened to the paternal vitriol extolled about the first movie? You did hate it, so what gives?

“The theme is always the same in both novels: a sect versus the church, even though the parts of the good and the bad are distributed differently,” L’Osservatore wrote Wednesday. “This time, with ‘Angels & Demons,’ the church is on the side of the good guys.”

Who knows. Maybe Ron Howard’s PR campaign worked? Talk about a total turnaround. At first, Rome was caught up in a tornadic storm of anger, whizz and vinegar. And now, they are strolling down the Yellow Brick Road of ration and reason?

Man, what a difference a summer blockbuster makes. Angels and demons and Catholics… oh my!

So, the economy is in a recession and alternative modes of selling has gone rococo – pawn shops, garage sales and layaway has even made a strong comeback.

I can imagine people are looking under the bed and in-between couch cushions for extra change, so naturally, this bizarre story would be the next progression of things from the Independent in England.

A musician fed up with his life was today barred from selling his soul to the highest bidder. Dante Knoxx, 24, offered the “used” item for a starting bid of £25,000.50 or a buy it now price of £700,000 on the internet auction site eBay. But eBay pulled the listing today with about two hours to go and no bids because it breached one of the firm’s policies.

unemploymentEvidently, you can’t sell items that are not “physical” on America’s fun loving home office Web site.

Despite the obvious concerns about theology, evangelism and salvation, this dude seriously needs to get his tail into Church!

Here is a guy who has no care for what exists a spiritual battle thundering in the skies above all in an interest for a quick buck to make his rent and keep his Star Wars DVD collection in tact. Huh?

“Unfortunately where I live there are hardly any jobs to keep a creative person like myself employed in anything other than boring, mundane office jobs.” Mr Knoxx was planning to use the money to get his experimental music group, Paradigm, which he created with his friend Zakk Altair, up and running. He quit his “shoddy job” as a laptop repair technician and said: “I leave it to you, the denizens of Earth, to purchase my actual soul and in return allow me to acquire some tasty capital.”

So, this fool has a hankering to not make a decent living in an effort to get the band back together? Seriously? Man, give up the Fender strat and pick up the classifieds. Maybe your soul is worth a little more if you have a career plan. Just a thought.

No, this isn’t some obscure cult in the coal mines of West Virginia. I mean real folk with real driver licenses, albeit a small portion of them belonging to select “religious group”, but never mind that right now.

Meet Phil Hudok. We’ll call him “the leader of the pack.”

Now while this story seems fueled by eschatology (end times) naysayers, Hudok and his gang of religious misfits have bucked the system and gave their pentecostal finger to the man.

Together, they told the West Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles they will not be marked, photographed or given a one-way ticket to hell, thank you very much. Um, what?

State Division of Motor Vehicles Commissioner Joseph Cicchirillo said the group of about 50 or 60 Christians, who are not affiliated with a particular church, contacted the agency two or three years ago to object to their pictures “being on a database that can be exchanged throughout the world or hacked into.”

Hudok and other members of his group have said bar codes and digital storage of photos are a way of numbering people, which they liken to a warning in the Bible’s book of Revelation about a “mark of the beast” indicating the arrival of the Antichrist.

Evidently, this isn’t the first time Hudok has pulled the “no bar coding me in the name of religion” stunt. In 1999, the preacher-in-training was fired as a Randolph County school teacher for refusing to require his students to wear bar-coded identification badges. That’s it, brother. Badges! We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!

MEMO to the Pied Piper of Deliverance: I have another “revelation” for you, this ain’t that mark. We have all read Revelations 13:

‘And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads. And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name’

Sane believers and religious whack jobs have been saying so many things is that mark which cannot be erased. Anything from RFID tags, UPC codes to satellite TV. I even know a small-minded numerologist (well, he’s just some dude I met at a church once) that refuses to buy hot dogs and soft drinks because they come in SIX-packs! (No, really!)

So is the story of Hudok who has been on his own religious crusade against the West Virginia Antichrist as he began writing the DMV more than 10 years ago because – wait for it – the Holy Spirit “told him to do so.”

And as legalistic as that sounds (and is), Hudok rallied the troops and won this battle.

He and his sanctimonious motley crew get state IDs without the picture. I suppose this rallies another band of demented brothers in the Hillbillyer, Mountain State. No, not a jug-sippin’, washboard-playin’ trio with a collective amount of six teeth. No, I was thinking more like identity thieves. To them, it’s heaven. I know it I was one, I would be packing the U-haul en route to Charleston with the quickness.

Good thinking, West Virginia! Despite this, the Hillbillies did give one piece of genius folklore… enjoy! But don’t listen while driving, eerie things could happen.