Posts Tagged ‘marijuana’

Back in 2008, when the marketing machine for the apocalyptic flop, “2012” was in full swing, people were seriously considering the Mayan calendar to be more trustworthy than a Farmer’s Almanac.

Folk circled December 12, 2012 on their calendars as “The End” and planned their early Christmas shopping accordingly.

We spray painted story-after-story on the Wall about it too because of the near-phobic concern some dunderheads began festering in a deified puppy-iguana-really ugly dude named Quetzalcoatl. His “Age of Transition” was nigh upon us, only three years early.

As we know, we are still alive, the Mayans are still yet holding on for three more years and that movie blew. Much.

There will no movie rights for this tool.

And now I understand why… because the world was never meant to end in 2012. It’s 2011, according to this lovely biblical scholar quoted in the San Francisco Chronicle.

[Harold] Camping, 88, has scrutinized the Bible for almost 70 years and says he has developed a mathematical system to interpret prophecies hidden within the Good Book. One night a few years ago, Camping, a civil engineer by trade, crunched the numbers and was stunned at what he’d found: The world will end May 21, 2011.

“Crunched the numbers”?!

Dude, the Bible isn’t the IRS tax code. You can’t take your tattered KJV66 to H&R Block and stress the need for a rapid refund.

Never mind the fact he’s an octogenarian who has his own twisted Da Vinci Code. Ignore the fact he has supposedly been “scruntizing” the Bible for seven decades. And I suppose we can set aside one verse in canon he probably overlooked:

But of that [exact] day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father (Matthew 24:36 AMP).

Why? Because this guy has a formula rooted in numerology (and probably medical marijuana) that would make Ph.Ds in Physics blush:

The number 5, Camping concluded, equals “atonement.” Ten is “completeness.” Seventeen means “heaven.” Camping patiently explained how he reached his conclusion for May 21, 2011.

“Christ hung on the cross April 1, 33 A.D.,” he began. “Now go to April 1 of 2011 A.D., and that’s 1,978 years.”

Camping then multiplied 1,978 by 365.2422 days – the number of days in each solar year, not to be confused with a calendar year.

Next, Camping noted that April 1 to May 21 encompasses 51 days. Add 51 to the sum of previous multiplication total, and it equals 722,500.

Camping realized that (5 x 10 x 17) x (5 x 10 x 17) = 722,500.

Or put into words: (Atonement x Completeness x Heaven), squared.

“Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story,” Camping said. “It’s the story from the time Christ made payment for your sins until you’re completely saved.

Yeah, because Jesus just couldn’t his plan for global destruction through to this guy in algebraic equations on a wet nap.


I once heard a sage pastor, who was a bit of a chauvinistic dinosaur, say when “edifying” the ladies on dating:

I have a prophecy – if the barn needs paint, break out a coat and get busy!

While the gasping and swooning was inaudible, many men were sitting in their seats and biting their lip until blood came out their nose. Ah, church. Ain’t it grand?

Look Ma, no swine. (Courtesy: AFP)

Look Ma, no swine. (Courtesy: AFP)

I was reminded of that rotund pearl of wisdom when I read this atypical story on Yahoo! about “religiously correct” make-up and a possible spiritual conversion.

For Muslim women who feel they are violating Islam’s teachings by using skin creams with alcohol and pig residues, Layla Mandi [pictured] has the answer: religiously-correct “halal” cosmetics. The Canadian makeup artist who converted to Islam is marketing cosmetics called OnePure, which she says have the luxury feel of international brands minus the elements banned under Islamic law.

For those not in the know, Kosher is to Jewish what Halal is to Muslim. It’s more than preference; it’s dogmatic law.

That said, why for, Mandi? (By the way, is it just me, or does this Muslim adherent look like some hottie outside of any beach town in the states?)

“Muslims don’t want to go around and pray five times a day having pork residues on their body,” said Mandi, in her early thirties and swathed in a slim black abaya, or cloak, with wisps of blond hair sticking from under her head scarf. “I came to the Middle East to learn more about people’s needs. Most were pretty shocked when I told them there were pork products in their skin care items so they were very interested.”

I realize it seems like she is saying there are Muslim women bathing in pickled pig’s feet, but to them, it’s the same as some Quranic women who just feel the need to douse a little foundation underneath her Hijab.

Suffice to say, this is big news in the world of marketing to Muslims, and considering the economy, good times for make-up manufacturers and the aforementioned direct sales syndicates. Again, what took so long?

I have been cooking with Morton’s Kosher salt for years, but I don’t think My Fair Lady smells bacon when she dabs on a little lipstick.

Moreover, how long is it going to take all those home-schooling mamas at church peddling Mary Kay and Avon on the side to start adding “We’re little piggy free” to all their make-up baskets?

And then there is the issue of yet another ridiculous, and soon-to-be-waaaaaay-overused PC term. Anyone catch that diabolical moniker? “Religiously Correct.” Oh. God. Help. Me. Please.

You know, let’s not stop there. In the spirit of dare not offending any religious follower, adherent or believer, how about:

  • Bovine-absent hamburgers for your favorite Buddhist. Sure, they call those vegans but let’s not worry about that right now.
  • Tantric-lite sleeping aides for that slumbering Hindu in your family. Let him or her get that Yoga on and feel refreshed once euphoria is reached. Namaste.
  • Something all of us could enjoy for a week or two, the acclaimed demon-free days. That’s right, just live without the temptation to visit ne’er-do-well Web site or charge the emergency credit card into a third-world credit rating.
  • For your friendly neighborhood Rastafarian, try the latest in marijuana-free brownies. Because when you need to cram for the next exam, why just have hippie lettuce rolled up in a fatty when you can tap into your inner Betty Crocker and get your baking on?

And for those of you needing something a little closer to the vest, wait… there’s more:

  • Condemnationally correct Baptists
  • Alcohol-correct Catholics
  • Musically included Church-of-Christs (real word?)
  • Follically and hairstyling correct Pentecostals
  • Financially correct Evangelicals (with a special emphasis on megachurch pastors and televangelists)
  • And for a bonus, just in time for Christmas, Universalism… with limits! Go figure?!

NEWS FLASH: The economy still blows.

And because of that, churches are getting hammered as the plate gets passed from person-to-person-to-person picking up nothing but lent and a few green stamps.

Understanding the trend, and probably being victimized by it, Immanuel Church in Austin, Texas has decided to do some inventive church marketing that could impact the growth of their congregation – Theology on Tap.

What the…

Austinites are drinking up the concept. The Catholic Diocese has a monthly meeting and speaker series that rotates venues. The University Lutheran Church has a weekly gathering at Opal Divine’s Penn Field. Mosaic has a Theology Pub every Tuesday at the Draught House.

“Drinking up the concept.” Look at the Austin American-Statesman getting nice with the 12-step program humor. (Yeah, I’m jealous I didn’t think of it… shhh!)

Jesus BeerAnd the fact the “Catholic Diocese” is involved isn’t surprising. Shoot, they probably hosted a kegger for a baptism… er, christening. Which reminds me, you know the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?

The Catholic will wave at you in the liquor store.

Anywhoo, the story goes on to offer the target audience of this ministry: 20s and 30s. And in other news, oxygen helps you breathe.

Take this quote on for starters:

Ben Philpott, 37, who has attended the church with his wife and two children for the past two years, had rushed to get to the bar, telling a colleague, “I don’t want to be late for drinking with Jesus.”

Nice. Where ya’ headed, Ben? The Last Supper? You big dolt. And with your kids? Well, father does know best.

And what’s next? “Shooting up with the Savior”? What about, “Doing meth with the Messiah”? Pathetic.

I suppose it’s convenient that Immanuel means “God with us.” Because when you are tweaking on greenies, he’s with you a lot and seeing multiple Jesus-es.

Uncanny. Jesus really doesn’t think he gets enough press, because he has been showing his glowing face everywhere this month. And honestly, these stories are too rich to sit on until February.

If that's what it takes... dude.

If that's what it takes... dude.

So, there’s this Aussie who believes he saw a far out vision, man. Like, he witnessed a righteous blaze in his lava lamp of sweet baby Jesus and his mama. Awesome, man. Totally awesome, bud. Let’s party!

“I turned on my brand new lava lamp and watched in awe as the unmistakeable image of the Holy Mary cradling the Baby Jesus appeared.” The image took his breath away. “I immediately turned off the lamp and the lava has remained in this position ever since.”

And you know, like an inspired business man, dude makes a shrine to his deified bong hit… online. No seriously. Click to view the “HolyMaryLamp” Web site. Stay classy, bro.

So what does this prove? Jesus really is the Light of the World.

bong-cum-laudeIt only took six long years, only $45,000 in settlement, hundreds of $1000s in legal fees and several embarrassing punch lines later, but Morse v. Frederick is much ado about nothing, thanks to this story from FOX News.

So what, right?

Well, note the picture and you may remember this frivolous law suit – the “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” banner during the Winter Olympics torch relay through their friendly burgh in Juneau, AK that year.

[Insert your own obscure Sarah Palin reference here]

One of these tools in the Polaroid is Joseph Frederick (hence, the whole Morse v. Frederick legal line), the ringleader of dolts who made this sign, which was proudly displayed.

Once discovered, Frederick was called out, suspended from school and yet another fun-filled fight over the First Amendment was kicked-off. Sigh!

Perhaps what was inane was he was suspended for “violating the drug policy on campus.” (No kidding!) Or maybe it was once Frederick complained, his suspension was beefed up to 10 days. Regardless the spark, the lighter fluid trailed all the way to the Supreme Court. And this was its theorem:

Chief Justice Roberts, writing for the majority, concluded that the school officials did not violate the First Amendment by confiscating the pro-drug banner and suspending the student responsible for it. The opinion first concluded that Frederick’s “Bong Hits” banner was displayed during a school-supervised event, making this a “school speech” case rather than a normal case of speech on a public street. The opinion then concluded that although the banner’s message was “cryptic,” it was undeniably a “reference to illegal drugs” and the principal reasonably concluded that it “advocated the use of illegal drugs.”

Ya’ think? What on earth else would “bong hits” reference? Quasimodo bashing his pretty head against the church brass upstairs to make a sound? Probably not. But then again, for the rest of his shameless life, whenever Frederick hits another pot party, his face will ring a bell.

HA! Get it? Quasi… er… bong… um… bell… oh, nevermind! Disregard. Abort! Abort!