Posts Tagged ‘irony’

In this week’s video evangelism, we have a story just in time for Christmas shopping preparations.

Dylan_XmasIt turns out, not every entertainer in Hollywood has done a Yuletide tune. Let’s add Bob Dylan to the mix!

As first reported on the Web site BullyPulpit.com, at least four songs have already been recorded for the album including, “Must Be Santa,” “Here Comes Santa Claus,” “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” and “O Little Town of Bethlehem.”

What’s next? “A hard snow’s gonna fall,” “Snowin’ in the Wind” or “It ain’t me, Santa”? Need we remind you this is Bob Dylan (nee Robert Zimmerman), as in really Jewish… singing CHRISTmas songs! Mazel Tov, Bobby.

Mind you, he seems to have returned to the faith. Dylan went through a “born again” Christian phase from 1979-81, releasing several gospel-style albums including “Slow Train Coming” and “Saved.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan… at least when he was coherent to the point somewhere between barely understandable English and a man with 15 cold sores on his tongue.

But how would this sound to a Zionist on a brisk Christmas Eve [cue harp music]:

“Jeeen-guuuulll B-eeeeeels. Jeeen-guuuulll B-eeeeeels. Jeeen-guuuul All… the Waaaaayy.”

Okay, if that didn’t quite make the reference point to you, try this video clip on for size (told you this was Cross Eyed):

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Ah. Father’s Day.

Times of playing ball, going to the Zoo or having the kids sent off to the grandparents are typically conjured up for dear ol’ Dad. I did all three with my lil’ Wall Watchers. What about you?

Well, while you think about that, consider a different Father’s Day story from Santa Ana, Calif.

It seems this “dad” – 76-year-old Richard Cunningham – thought it be a good idea to take his 52-year-old son to church… and steal $3.1 million from it!

Kinda’ makes the tears just well up, don’t it?

Oh, did I mention both of these dolts were pastors?! Yeah, thought that would add a little pizzazz to the story.

Over five years, prosecutors say the Cunninghams stole from Calvary Baptist Yorba Linda Church and School bank accounts, and used the money to buy time shares in Hawaii and Palm Springs, golf club memberships and a Cadillac.

FathersDay_VaderI suppose being pastors helped, conviction and all, as they have both plead guilty for felony grand theft and fraud charges, as well as paid the total sum in restitution back to the church.

Amazing. In this economy, this dimwitted tandem decides to get nice and keep classy for a pimped-0ut Cadillac and some time shares. Nice.

Funny how it all comes to an end around Father’s Day because these two will be spending much more quality time together with three hots and a cot in the pokey.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the church Web site has been changed. Gotta’ love that technology. It even has a “financial manager.” For the church’s sake, I hope that’s a new hire. If not, homeboy needs to find a new line of work.

Just sayin’. Happy Father’s Day.

Capital vices. Cardinal Sins. Seven deadly sins. What. Ever.

The “Wicked Seven” [not an official pseudonym] are: lust, gluttony, greed, wrath, sloth, envy and pride. Many believe the Catholic Church pulled this list out of thin air, but Solomon may get all lathered up about that.

Call them what you will but these seven eventualities have been at the crux of the early Christian Church up to today, and evidently still giving us fits.

Take this story from the Las Vegas Sun (I know. I know. Insert your totally ironic joke here.) that discusses a study out of Kansas State University.

According to the study, each of the seven sins have certain geographic hubs within the United States. Because even Satan and his minions like to get their vacation on, I guess. Among the findings are:

Um, where do you live?

Um, where do you live?

> Lust, pride and wrath are big players below the Mason Dixon line.

Go figure. Folk got nothing better do while home on the range, so they believe they are cuter than they really are, cheat on their spouse and then end up mangled – or worse – for doing it. Sounds like a typical day at the office, eh?

> Greed is a coastal sin.

Imagine most places where big shipments can be delivered to the states – California and Washington (Pacific Ocean), Florida and New England (Atlantic Ocean) and Texas (Gulf of Mexico). You know, nose candy, hippie lettuce and any other peradventure that can be found on the black market. It’s the economy. Maybe sin just vacations with the upper crust. What do I know typing this from my trailer?

> Only three states really taste and see that the Lord is good.

Let’s see. Texas, the Carolinas and Tennessee. Anyone see a trend? I don’t know about you, but I’m about to buy stock in barbecue. Lawd, have mercy!

“Take a few minutes to give a big ‘God bless ya’ to your neighbors.”

These are some of the most feared words to come from a church pulpit since the Dark Ages when the Papacy would extol, “So, um, indulgences for sale. Anyone a sinner today?”

Men pretend they have to go pee, have a call they immediately have to take for concern of national security or may decide that now is a good time to check on the kids in the nursery. Anything except meet and greet people that may or may not be seen at Luby’s after service.

Maybe it’s an intrusion in private space. Perhaps it’s the swine flu. Or it could just be some fellas aren’t the biggest “people persons.” Whatever this interdenominational plague is, there has always been something to it.

And now, thanks to this story from WOW News’ (and Reuters) Faithworld, we know why:

Men who go to church regularly prefer “proper macho songs” and feel uncomfortable with hugging and sitting in circles discussing their feelings, a survey for Christian men’s magazine “Sorted” has found.

Macho Jesus

I guess this is more of the idea

This UK survey found that men want to worship Jesus as-is: A MAN!

So, uh, what? Right before praise and worship, splash on a little Old Spice to get you in the spirit?

How about before the pastor gets up, all the men count to three and let fly? Sure, that’s macho.

Or possibly – if Christian manly men are slightly more daring – walk up to some dude and ask him to build a confessional on the spot. Now, that’s what real men do, right?

Nearly 60 percent of respondents said they enjoyed singing, but were more motivated by “proclamational” hymns than sentimental-type songs.

Well, it’s not like the band has a Karaoke machine plugged in blaring “Send in the Clowns” or anything by Celine Dion. It’s WORSHIP, you tools.

Men were also uninspired by church discussion groups, with many suggesting that the pub would be a much better place for interacting.

Yeah, because “the pub” is a particularly sweet joint to crush a few Sprites and ensure the smoke in there is actually from the incense you just lit because you invited your priest. Right, macho guy?

Take this virile fellowshipper, who is probably heavily mustachioed and rocking the chest tuft with gold chains:

Jesus recruited a bunch of 12 ordinary blokes before he began his ministry proper. They spent three years together doing stuff,” said Sorted’s publisher and managing editor Steve Legg. “He sat down and ate with them and built relationships,” Legg said, explaining how the church should go about reaching the male congregation.

...Or perhaps this guy?

...Or perhaps this guy?

I guess we should just avoid at all costs those frilly parables about Mary Magdalene, Martha (first to praise a resurrected Jesus), Anna the Prophetess, Priscilla and then there’s that annoying little girl… um, oh yeah, Jesus’ MAMA!

Sigh. I guess I’ll turn in my man card because I see way too many opportunities in the Bible to evangelize that have to deal with those pesky women. Tenets such as faith, virtue, steadfastness, determination and sacrifice.

But who cares as long as I can get my Sunday morning man crush on about Samson, Paul, Solomon (a real ladies man) and Peter (the cutting-ears-off Peter, not the get-thee-behind-me one… big wussy). Good times.

Humor me, Wall Watchers.

I have been waiting a while to post this. I have searched for high and low for this being fraudulent. I have exhausted every opportunity and turned under every rock.

Jesus NEEDS to take the wheel

Jesus NEEDS to take the wheel

Instead, I remember the faction between Jesus and jovial insanity is… the people. And then, I got it. Soooo, here we go:

Meet Bill Henderson of Fort Morgan, Colo.

Billy Boy decides he needs a filler and goes to a revival meeting and get his Holy Spirit on.

On he did, as he drove off from the church gathering and drove on the curb, on the grass, on the median… anything but driving on the road. And so, he gets pegged by the local finest and off to jail he goes.

“He was swerving all over the road, and laughing and staggering around when we got him out of the truck,” says an officer. Henderson could not stand on one leg, nor walk a straight line, and was thrown into the city jail for the night, where he giggled and spoke in tongues.

This has routinely been an obstacle in my own spiritual nourishment. I have attended megachurch revivals that have rocked the house (of God) for more than six weeks. I have sat front row during faith healing crusades and seen God in action (as well as some salty professionals, I might add). I have been to the “old rugged cross” type and seen the “Old Landmark” personally.

Despite the size of the fellowship, God can show up in a majestic fashion and rock your world.

BUT…

While the Spirit of the Lord longs for us to draw near, does he indeed make us act like dorks who have completely lost their God-loving mind?!

I am a loud and proud Acts 2 | Joel 2 child of God, but the day I am so sauced by the Holy Spirit that I can’t drive my car, I’ll find a Satanist (or at least an Atheist) to become my designated driver.

Seriously? And apparently, people who allow that flesh to get in the way and drive out the spirit post-Azuza-esque meetings are a frequent fishing post for local police.

Police perch near revival meetings to hand out tickets to erratic drivers. The city is also considering a law against “spiritual drunkenness among young people” which could land pastors and visiting evangelists in hot water.

Let’s keep it classy out there people. But just in case you’re too scared to have Jesus juice and drive, enjoy the beloved Rev. Cleophus James! Shat-ta! Haa-to-be-the-glory!