Posts Tagged ‘end times’

I suppose that’s the new rage – religions become self-sufficient and exclusive. Since we have been seeing wars and hearing rumors of wars (a.k.a. the “last days” are nigh upon us, folks), it’s time to stop evangelizing and start existing…

cathoogleAt least, the Catholic Church seems to be headed in that direction, thanks to this story from WOW News’ the great Cathy Lynn Grossman of USA Today.

A new web site, “Catholic Google” launched recently with a claim to offer “a safer way” to surf the net for “good Catholics” and anyone else who want to learn the Catholic Church’s official views on a topic without crawling through umpteen links.

Hrm. So besides Pope Benedict screensavers, Hooked on Latin Phonics and transubstantiation no-nos, what else different can we expect? And who is next is for religion 2.0?

“Hindoogle”, which forbids recipes of hamburger and has a Gandhi tribute page for every search. “Jewoogle,” which would not only feature great pages on Zionism, Judaic law, but also some sweet Facebook pages on lawyers, accountants and surgeons. And then there are those pesky atheists who is still trying to buck the system by reserving, “WeDontBelieveInTheInternetEither.com.”

I love what Cathy did to beta-test this new-fangled contraption:

I searched Catholic Google for “birth control.” The first listing on my search had text that spelled out the Church’s opposition to artificial contraception — immediately next to an ad for pills sold by a Canadian mail-order pharmacy.

Nice. If there are still some privacy and SEO concerns with “Cathoogle”, I would hate to search for “Altar Boys.” [So. Hard. Not. To. Trying. Shaking. Must. Turn. PC. Off.]

fountain-of-youth-in-churchIt seems people aren’t scared of Jesus any longer. And because of that, pastors are dreaming of different ways to get folk in the house of Gawd.

Let’s see… not going to heaven doesn’t seem to get people walking into church these days, so what about this novel marketing tactic: “Go to church every week. Live until you’re 130! No… really.”

Going to church every week can help you live longer, say scientists. In fact, attend two services a week and you can cut your chances of dying by 20 per cent.

Quick! Someone bring back tent revivals, Rodney Howard Browne six-week extended church services, Billy Sunday and Jonathon Edwards preaching for hours on end on street corners. Something? Anything?

Who needs fantasy movies like “Highlander” and whatever dimwitted vampire movie is Feng Shui now? You got church!

What does it say about a religion that extols a God who invites his followers to come into his assemblage, worship at his feet and gets to live much, much longer with him.

Hrm… wait a second… that’s sounds like something I read once. Maybe this is a church marketing scheme that doesn’t suck after all. Ah well, all I know is that I will make it a point to sit on the front row now. Just in case a chorus of “Who Wants to Live Forever” breaks out.

I’m so glad to be a Christian. You know, worshiping a living God, following biblical tenets and not serving cows and dolled-up three-year old girls!

Meet Matani Shakya, newly “appointed” kumari, or living goddess.

Nepal Living GoddessAin’t she cute? All that divinity and still digs Dora the Explorer.

Hey, at least she is creating some semblance of religious universalism because Hindu and Buddhists priests hooked up and determined she passed the “God” test and dubbed her a living goddess. (Granted it happened in October, but hey, news doesn’t travel fast from Nepal).

OK, I’m game. Let’s say my career doesn’t work out. What do I have to do to be considered a deity? [And I may have some ruminations in here as well].

A panel of judges conducted a series of ancient ceremonies to select the goddess from several 2- to 4-year-old girls who are all members of the impoverished Shakya goldsmith caste. [Ah, rich girls gone wild. Nice.]

The judges read the candidates’ horoscopes and check each one for physical imperfections. The living goddess must have perfect hair, eyes, teeth and skin with no scars, and should not be afraid of the dark. [Yeah, because when you are sitting alone on a mountaintop, you don’t want to be caught screaming out to yourself for protection. Folk may have to sedate a goddess.]

As a final test, the living goddess must spend a night alone in a room among the heads of ritually slaughtered goats and buffaloes without showing fear. [Because if the fear doesn’t kill you being thrown into a bad scene from “Pet Cemetery”, the rabies might.]

Having passed all the tests, the child will stay in almost complete isolation at the temple, and will be allowed to return to her family only at the onset of menstruation when a new goddess will be named to replace her. [No comment necessary, is there?]

But hey, after she goes through her Bugs Bunny, Toon Disney and Hannah Montana phases, she flies the coop and ready to filter through the line of eligible suitors. I mean, who wouldn’t want to hook up with a deified feminista?

Nepalese folklore holds that men who marry a former kumari will die young, and so many girls remain unmarried and face a life of hardship.

Ah well, she will always have a loka. And if not, reincarnate into a cow. Good times, unless of course you are slated for hamburger.

Daylight come and me wanna go home

Daylight come and me wanna go home

Eschatologists and new-age kooks alike, mark your calendars!

According to Mayans everywhere (and this popular brick noted on the Wall), 2012 is going to be a grand year of transition.

It’s not because of another presidential election when radio stations across the country can begin playing “Send in the Clowns.”

No, it’s because of this pictured quarter-man, quarter-wily bird, quarter-slimy snake and quarter-rabid mythological creature Quetzalcoatl.

This “thing” is scheduled to return in four years to slither on his throne during the Winter Solstice.

Someone warn Santa! Well, evidently a bunch of tools on the “naughty list” convened in San Francisco [insert your own joke here] to discuss 12-21-12, the last day of the Mayan calendar and the return of “what’s his name”.

In these times of economic distress, participants shelled out $300 each to attend the sold-out 2012 Conference, where astrologers, UFO fans, shamans and New Age entrepreneurs of every stripe presented their dreams and dreads in two days of lectures, group meditations, documentaries and, of course, self-promotion.

Anyone notice what’s missing from this multi-level marketing scam cloaked in turkey feathers, voodoo dolls, witches’ brew and aliens? Besides the common sense to spend your money on something more worthwhile in this economy, like gas or electricity?! CHRISTIANS!

People are so hungry to get one step closer to a deity – any deity – they are willing to believe anything to get there. Pick your prophet: Cultish frauds, Nostradamus and even wild barnyard animals… well, kinda. And now, just guys are becoming experts on the new dawn of the dead.

Take Jay Weidner, whose firm – Sacred Mysteries – has sponsored four more of these overhyped and eternally damnable events in the next six months. Seriously? You got four years to go before you are shown to be a fraud. Pace yourself. Anywhoo, on with the quote.

“The greatest crisis in human history is unfolding all around us. It’s not the end of this world, but it’s the end of this age,” he likes to say. “To survive the 21st century, we’re going to have to become a sustainable world — people should want to know how to pound a nail, milk a cow and grow their own food.”

Uh, yeah. About that? There’s this religious and philosophical group known for hanging out in New England villages who could probably do a lot better at teaching this tricks of Ye Ole trade than some metrosexual dolt in pressed jeans and a bedazzled button-down shirt teaching about freakish mammals.

Ah well, while I am serving the Lord and worshiping Jesus, I’ll be praying someone in the Bay Area calls Animal Control. It may save folk some money… and sanity.

Now, that’s a collector’s item. And you think the cost of milk is ridiculous now, just wait until you get a Polaroid of the Almighty on the side of it.

Too catachrestic for ya’? Just listen to Pope Benedict XVI who advises the millions of people who think God is missing and can’t be found.

Speaking at the Basilica of St Paul Outside the Walls in Rome, the Pope said: “Today, nations once rich in faith and vocations are losing their own identity under the harmful and destructive influence of a certain modern culture. There are those who, after deciding that ‘God is dead’, declare themselves to be ‘god’ and the artisan of their own destiny, the absolute master of the world.”

What’s sad about that comment from the Pontiff is the truth in it. People watch TV and see natural disaster, genocide, famine and economic turmoil, stand in the middle of their living room, stare at the ceiling and shout, “Yo! Where are you, God?!”

Matthew 24:6-8 reads:

You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places.

Even though things have to happen, it doesn’t mean it’s easier to swallow nor comprehend. Although God is ever-present and diligent to secure us, faith is dwindling in everything you can imagine – the government, the Church, the fellow man. Shouldn’t it be simple to deduce that God would be next on that unfortunate list?

A person may be God’s gift, but people stink, you know? Everyone is out for number one before they step in number two. (Yes, that’s a HiScrivener original, but hey, you can use it. Just send some love to the Wall.) But it’s real. And so sad.

So what do we do? Christians can try to begin acting like the children of God they were destined, but you have a lot of bad examples to overcome. Good-hearted people can try “random acts of kindness,” but many folk have issues with trust these days. Preachers can try to do something in the community, because no believes most of you do anything in the church any longer.

Or we can all take a lesson for an old-crumudgeon Jedi, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” Let’s get real about God folks. People may realize he is a lot closer than they think if they see examples in person instead of waiting for angels unaware.