Posts Tagged ‘communion’

Marriage has been considered sacrosanct among Christ followers, cardinal among people of faith. So why can’t more Christians stay married?!

Come on, people. Yous gots some ‘splainin’ to do, according to this recent article by WOW News’ The Voice.

According to the article, marriage goes deeper than the ubiquitous 50 percent end in divorce. We get that, but on a quest to find love and catch lightning in a bottle, a few people in the Church are shattering that bottle not only once, but twice with 67 percent of second marriages and 73 percent of third marriages not making the cut.

In the words of a stoic and much-maligned street poet, “Why can’t we all just get along?”

Laura Baker, founder of Prasso Ministries, says that people who divorce once are likely to do it again because they are searching for identity in another person’s love instead of the love of their Heavenly Father…

“It’s easy to think that the answer is in a new relationship, but if the person is looking for their identity in the love of another person, the relationship is likely to fail,” Baker says. “Our identity can only successfully be found in the love of our Heavenly Father and in the identity He provides. Once that is settled, new relationships have a chance to flourish.”

Here. Here.

Divorce is so common in the church that seeing a “Divorce Care” group plastered on the marquee doesn’t even make the pastor flinch. This is a pandemic issue that makes the Swine Flu seem like the common cold.

Shoot, some good-intending folk in the Church have even created kitschy terms to cover divorce, like calling people “Re-single.” Cute, and would spouses then become “pre-used”?

Although some marriages in the Church last about as long as a test drive, it seems many consider marriage as a leased relationship – if you get tired of it, hand in the keys for a new one.

Why are Christians so quick to give up? I’m not talking the women in an abusive relationship or people that get married to one person who is a polar opposite of the shrew they became. I mean the “irreconcilable differences” crowd. That just means you two can’t get along and are sick and tired of being sick and tired, so its kaputz for all that “for better or worse” crap.

Does My Fair Lady get on my nerves? You bet. And trust me, the feeling can be mutual but we meant business when we got married. She is all that, and that’s as good as it gets for me. We will not separate because God said that we should not separate. If he wants that, he will back it up with his blessing, right?

“Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?” So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:4-6 NIV).

While I applaud people for trying to find love and working to find a passion that was lost, look in your own marriage first not in the butterflies of some hottie batting eyelashes at you. Temptation – whether it’s the chocolate in the checkout lane or the seductress checking your groceries – is from the devil. And why would God bless any union devised on those roots?

Dearly departed, avowed atheist and genius comic George Carlin once quoted:

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

Only if you mean it, brother. Just saying.

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NEWS FLASH: The economy still blows.

And because of that, churches are getting hammered as the plate gets passed from person-to-person-to-person picking up nothing but lent and a few green stamps.

Understanding the trend, and probably being victimized by it, Immanuel Church in Austin, Texas has decided to do some inventive church marketing that could impact the growth of their congregation – Theology on Tap.

What the…

Austinites are drinking up the concept. The Catholic Diocese has a monthly meeting and speaker series that rotates venues. The University Lutheran Church has a weekly gathering at Opal Divine’s Penn Field. Mosaic has a Theology Pub every Tuesday at the Draught House.

“Drinking up the concept.” Look at the Austin American-Statesman getting nice with the 12-step program humor. (Yeah, I’m jealous I didn’t think of it… shhh!)

Jesus BeerAnd the fact the “Catholic Diocese” is involved isn’t surprising. Shoot, they probably hosted a kegger for a baptism… er, christening. Which reminds me, you know the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?

The Catholic will wave at you in the liquor store.

Anywhoo, the story goes on to offer the target audience of this ministry: 20s and 30s. And in other news, oxygen helps you breathe.

Take this quote on for starters:

Ben Philpott, 37, who has attended the church with his wife and two children for the past two years, had rushed to get to the bar, telling a colleague, “I don’t want to be late for drinking with Jesus.”

Nice. Where ya’ headed, Ben? The Last Supper? You big dolt. And with your kids? Well, father does know best.

And what’s next? “Shooting up with the Savior”? What about, “Doing meth with the Messiah”? Pathetic.

I suppose it’s convenient that Immanuel means “God with us.” Because when you are tweaking on greenies, he’s with you a lot and seeing multiple Jesus-es.

The Anglican Church of England, much like the Roman Catholic Church worldwide, like to share. I know, sweet, right?

Aerobic exercises during mass (“Stand,” “sit,””kneel”… “roll over”), pawing out of the same hands for the Eucharist and sipping out of the same cup (or chalice, depending on how shee-shee your particular house of worship wants to be).

Church. For when you really want to take cover.

Church. For when you really want to take cover.

Sound familiar? Well, now we can add communicable disease to the collection, thanks to this story from CNN.

The archbishops of Canterbury and York are recommending that churches stop sharing the chalice at communion over swine flu fears, the Church of England said Thursday. The archbishops wrote a letter to all Church of England bishops with the recommendation. It follows government advice not to share “common vessels” for food or drink so as not to spread the virus.

The “common vessel” in question in typically reminiscent of the mug Indiana Jones went trolling during his Holy Grail excursion, made nice with the Knights Templar, fought a gaggle of Nazis and bumped into James Bond. Not Roger Moore or the current blue-eyed dude. The other guy.

Anywhoo. The same golden chalice is given to the every believer standing in line waiting to take a sip of the wine. Sure, the cleric wipes it every time, but does that single cloth once-over does a lot for some slob with herpes and meningitis?

And, now we need to worry about folk walking around with swine flu. Nice. As if eternal damnation wasn’t enough to worry about, we have the dreaded H1N1.

“The Department of Health have recently advised us that ‘in a pandemic it makes good sense to take precautions to limit the spread of disease by not sharing common vessels for food and drink,'” the archbishops write in the letter.

Yeah, I would say that’s a good call. As if the dude walking up to the Bishop with the surgical mask draped across his grill wasn’t enough warning. So, lather up in Purell folks. Your next communion really could be your last supper.

(A little too dramatic? Man, I need to stop watching the news.)

Turn your head, vegan aficionados. We are about to talk hamburger, religion and the faith it takes to crush two all-beef grilled patties.

Nummmmm-y!

Shiva? Well done.

Shiva? Well done.

It seems Burger King, home of the Whopper, committed a big one in the world of advertising recently.

So much so that the global monarch of beef had to apologize to its Hindu customers all across Spain, as seen in WOW News’ Faith Central.

It seems like an oxymoron, I know. We have Hindus who arguably adores those bovine beauties more than the PETA folks and somehow know about an advertisement at a burger joint? Stranger things have happened.

Someone is not so committed to his or her Dharma, just sayin’.

“Burger King’s judgment in associating a burger with a Hindu goddess is absolutely baffling,” commented Suhag Shukla, director and legal counsel of the Hindu American Foundation.

The Brahma bedlam incensed the Hindu nation because that cute, quad-appendaged babe in the window is actually Lakshmi – the Hindu goddess of wealth, fertility and wisdom.

Whoops.

If that lack of theological research wasn’t bad enough, there’s that catchy headline in the ad:

“La Merienda es Sagrada,” which loosely means “Tea-time is Sacred”

Some believe that literally means “snack,” but eh. And in Hindu, snack literally means “hearty lettuce and turnips with ketchup.”

So, in an effort to redefine advertising jargon”for a limited time only,” as soon as that lovely photoshopped gem went up in windows, it came down like a luscious patty slabbed on a hot and steamy grill.

Well, that’s too bad. But it is a little surprising.

Looks like Jack is a Christian. Bad King, bad!

Looks like Jack is a Christian. Bad King, bad!

Hinduism is about the most polytheistic religion in the world, so how in the world did the Hindu nation keep up with this savvy burger babe?

How many Yogis show up jonesin’ for a triple stacker? Ever seen someone with an Avatar show up for a BK Value Meal? Well, that’s Hindu?!

I don’t know if Gandhi ever made it to Barcelona but good to know reincarnation makes it way to tropical climates.

It’s just a shame because this was Lakshmi’s chance at fame. And now, because of some meddlesome, tantric lacto veg-head, she has to go back in the life of some knobby-kneed five-year old in Tibet. Poor lady.

At least she did prove another BK advertising campaign, “It takes two hands to hold a Whopper.” Not so much. Thanks, Lakshmi!

Namaste.

The Bible tells us “For we have not a high priest which cannot be touched with the feelings of our infirmities” (Hebrews 4:15 KJV).

Fast forward 6,000 years and I presume that means feeling like we haven’t the time to do anything because we are too preoccupied taking up overtime. You know like running to Starbucks, going to a bible group or even taking 15 minutes to pray.

Huzzah! Fear no more. That whole “I feel you” thinking has got your back because God now has an 800 number. Well, kinda.

Dutch artist Johan van der Dong has set up a local telephone number in the Netherlands, where he urges people to leave messages for God on his answering machine. “Like praying, leaving a voicemail message is a way to organize your thoughts,” he said. “It’s a perfect combination for some contemplation.”

Yeah. Even He has one - a great iAm phone.

Yeah. Even He has one - a great iAm phone.

Well, that’s mighty narcissitic of him, isn’t it?

Call God… at his answering machine?!

What, did Robert Tilton decide to create another ministry fleecing the sheep? Oral and Richard Roberts come out of their sabbatical and witness protection to find another small business venture? Did Thomas Weeks come up with a kitschy new idea for a program on TBN?

You know, ratings and all.

Good thing there is Vonage and cell plans with unlimited long distance. Can you imagine the charges for calling heaven?! And then, what happens if his son answers the phone? What would you say, “Um, hey! Is your Daddy home? I’m hungover and I need to promise him… again… that I’ll never do this if he makes this vicious headache go away.”

“SURE,” the bellowing voice says. “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADYYYYYYYY!!!

So, here’s the REAL (no kidding) phone number:

Callers dialing 06-4424-4901 (or +316-4424-4901 if calling from outside the Netherlands) for the message, “Hi, you are speaking to God. I’m not in right now so leave a message after the beep.”