Posts Tagged ‘Christian’

Watch it and that mark may end up on your forehead

The Pew Forum has done it again with their latest in a series of polls that show the dumbification of America.

Just when we think this country is full of Kumbaya singers, universal proselytizers and everyone reading the same page on religion, we discover that people of faith, in essence… can’t friggin’ read!

Or if they can, their rote memory skills need some serious prayer, as seen in USA Today by the great Cathy Lynn Grossman.

The new U.S. Religious Knowledge Survey, released today by the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life, finds that although 86% of us believe in God or a higher power, we don’t know our own traditions or those of neighbors across the street or across the globe.

There lies the rub. The words “God” and “Christian” are about as homogenized as anything on the dairy shelves. Any schmo with a lick of scruples and an inkling of interest in you know, not burning in a liquid furnace of lava, hell flames and demonic drones, says they believe in God.

And that, by proxy, makes them a “Christian.” Unfortunately, it means nothing to more than half of the people with that card in their pockets. More about that in a moment. First, the key findings from the 3,412 dolts surveyed who know nothing about religion:

Doctrines don’t grab us. Only 55% of Catholic respondents knew the core teaching that the bread and wine in the Mass become the body and blood of Christ, and are not merely symbols. Just 19% of Protestants knew the basic tenet that salvation is through faith alone, not actions as well.

Basic Bible eludes us. Just 55% of all respondents knew the Golden Rule isn’t one of the 10 Commandments; 45% could name all four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John).

World religions are a struggle. Fewer than half (47%) knew that the Dalai Lama is a Buddhist; 27% knew most people in Indonesia are Muslims.

This is a problem. You have to study for a drivers license, to pass a spelling test and to learn how to operate any one of your kids’ toys, but anyone can be a “Christian.”

There’s no connection to Christ, no relationship with the Lord and absolutely no personal zeal to tell people about why being a Christian is so important to them. And why? Because they aren’t one.

What would happen if God has a computerAnd that’s why them taking this test is stupid. Where’s the litmus test? Oh yeah, in the answers of this survey.

Moreover, it’s the who in the survey that’s more telling. It seems if you have an angst against this “God” guy everyone loves to follow like some hack on Twitter, you research the most about him to debate his sheep. Example A: Atheists and agnostics did the best on the survey with 20.9 correct.

There’s more than power in the blood of the Lamb, there’s a lot of ignorance too. Example B: Black Protestants only got 13.4 correct, second to last to… wait for it… Hispanic Catholics at 11.6 percent.

But Jesus told him, “No! The Scriptures say, ‘People need more than bread for their life; they must feed on every word of God.'” (Matthew 4:4 NLT)

Sure, it’s nice to go to church and see your friends then go to Luby’s. But there is a world dying out there while some of us are busy taking surveys. What happened to the passion of learning God’s Word? How far have we departed from the Bible and into the country club known as “Church Lite”?

I suppose as long as there are surveys, we will continue to find out. Unfortunately for those of us who mean it when we follow… um, what’s his name again?


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That sound you hear is millions of Christians staring at their Thomas Kinkade tchotchkey-du-jour in their house and hurling a plate of nachos at it. CRASH!

Thomas Kinkade gets his own picture - a mug shot

Looks like that 'light' is shining too brightly into his bloodshot eyes

Yes, it’s true. The great talent. The anointed vessel. The child of God Thomas Kinkade, affectionately known as “The Painter of Light,” evidently had a mind that went dark when he took the wheel while seriously under the sauce, thanks to FOX News:

Police initially pulled over the Mercedes driven by artist Thomas Kinkade in the city of Carmel last weekend because the car didn’t have a front license plate, Sheriff’s Cmdr. Mike Richards told The Herald.

Police then detected the smell of alcohol and conducted a sobriety test during which Kinkade, 52, “displayed signs of impairment to the officer,” California Highway Patrol spokesman Robert Lehman said.

Doh! Seriously? What’s this dude thinking? I’m sorry but he’s a painter. Did he think “Don’t you know who I am” would work, because odds are if you must ask that question, they probably don’t know who you are.

MEMO to the Man in the Mug: You’re Thomas Kinkade, not some frat boy on a two-day binge. What are you doing? Yes, Jesus forgave you the minute you began sipping but there are many holders of your precious, illuminated artwork that may have forced them to forget you.

Toxicology tests are still pending, but take a gander at the beleaguered artist here. Although he appears a few fries short of a happy meal, this guy can throw down on a buffet, and that means he gets thirsty.

Yes, he was hammered. Yes, he will try to fight this. Yes, he will blame medication. And no, many folk won’t believe him.

Thomas Kinkade and a roll of toilet paper. Funny stuff.

Thomas' believes in the rock and his name is on the... what again?

In fact, in a Christian book store in my fare burgh, would you believe his art was “taken to the back for business reasons?” Yes way. Christian folk can be some of the most narrow-minded, yes? Too bad I love them. Many folk think I am a tool as well.

Kinkade’s art has now slid down the value meter and could end up as Exhibit A if he just ignores this ever happened… that is, until we get a nice discount.

God’s people are far from being perfect, but you have to be smarter than that to cover up for your own humanity.

Poor guy. What kind of picture does this paint for “America’s Most Collected Living Artist”? My guess it looks like a Picasso right now.

I have often uttered a phrase of resolution, and typically it is directed at apathetic Christ followers (or those who say they are… but meh?) for their lack of commitment:

Get off your blessed assurance and do something!

Jesus in an orange

Jesus? Orange you glad something is being done?

How can you expect God to work through you if he can’t get to you? (MEMO to all pastors: You may use that free of charge, but uh, source a brother).

Many Christians are faced with the dilemma on a frequent basis.

It’s no secret most folk walk their walk in their pastor’s shoes. Regardless of the size of his feet, at least he is doing the walking… and that is quite okay for those lethargic slugs.

Now, that pandemic is being addressed through the “Orange Movement.” Yeah, the “Orange” movement:

At a time when an estimated two-thirds or more of the younger generation is walking from the Christian faith after high school, churches (yellow for light) and families (red for heart) are realizing the need to become true partners.

Oh, I see. The red… and the yellow… carry the one… get orange… yeah, moving on:

Todd Clark, founding pastor of Discovery Church in Simi Valley, Calif., contends the Orange philosophy combats what he calls “surrogate faith.” Just as a surrogate mother carries a child that is not her own but for someone else, there are many Christians who are carrying a faith that is not their own, Clark explained at The Orange Conference.

Oh, testify my brother! Ain’t that the truth? How many Christ followers end up broke, busted and disgusted because their faith level can’t exceed John 3:16? And that is because they watch a lot of football?

There is something to this color coding of faith. We are to be the light of the world, and we are washed by the blood of the lamb. But what happens when they can’t get through us to see Jesus?

We have to meet them in the middle. And trust me, if you suck as a witness for Christ, then they will blow right by you who should be all orange and miss the scarlet red love of Jesus.

Pastor Clark is on to something, Wall Watchers. Something we should all mind closely.

“They (parents) want us to do baptism to them (children) and not with them; they want us to basically program out the child’s life to where the church is responsible for their faith rather than the parent and that way the parent never has to go to God. They can get everything through their favorite book,” Clark lamented.

However, what happens to that lazy Christian when that lukewarm pablum book is out of reach? How does this person walk on the water when he hasn’t spent time in the Bible long enough to know how to swim? How can a child become a child of God when the only father he knows doesn’t introduce him to the father in heaven he should know?

Evidently, the answer is somewhere between red and yellow.

Jesus. In Orange.

Orange Jesus is watching you.

Home and church are two crucial links to someone’s walk with Christ. And if the homelife is rocky, church isn’t going to be a picnic.

Also, is church folk act like – well, you know – church folk, then meditation with God at home is going to be about as long as Wilt Chamberlain’s… well, his mama’s… pinkie.

Very few things in life are really as they same, but most of can rely on the colors of the rainbow. The prism of which we use to look at life is about as real Jesus wants us to be.

Providing we are not color blind or so completely desensitized from the light of God that all we see is black, then we should understand what it takes to be effective for Christ.

We are far from perfect, so being red is obviously out. And unless you represent the entire body of Christ (and by the way most of you drive… and still have an Ichthus on the ride, you do not), then I would suggest avoid yellow and working out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

Because, quite honestly, as long as you are sitting on the couch praying and wishing for more Christians to do your jober, something, the only thing you will be working is my last nerve.

Lord, hear my orange prayer.

I suppose this would explain why dirty old men want to practice the "laying on of hands"

I couldn’t fight it any longer! Believe me, I tried, Wall Watchers.

At first, I thought I could ignore Carrie Prejean during the Miss USA imbroglio.

You know, when the Donald “trumped” the news and trotted her out before a sweltering dais of paparazzi, flashing cameras and gay rights activists who wanted to know just who in the h-e-double-hockeysticks would tell Perez Hilton what states should do about same-sex marriages.

(And how in the h-e-double-hockeysticks did get to judge Miss USA anyway?!)

“Well I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one way or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And, you know what, in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, no offense to anybody out there. But that’s how I was raised and I believe that it should be between a man and a woman.”

And that started it all.

All the “I think” and “I believe” was fine with me. It’s her opinion, and as a vociferous Bible-tottin’ Christian, who was I to argue?!

That is until she lost her crown, a sex tape popped up (as did Web traffic globally) and launched her whirlwind media tour to deny everything… except that it was just her in said tape (wink wink). Now, porn magnate Vivid has said tapes of her solo affair and wants to make a quick buck.

Yet, I still managed to turn a deaf ear… until now. But. Must. Write. Can’t. Help. Myself. And why? Because we learn Carrie Prejean has Christian boobies. (You read that correctly. Stop laughing and pay attention.)

Thanks to the story in Us, by way of an exclusive with Christianity Today, Carrie is on the public relations trail again. High-HO-Silver (I think that’s an unofficial nickname):

“No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian,” Prejean, 22, says in a new interview with Christianity Today. “I think it’s a personal decision. I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants.

You’re right, Carrie. It’s not in the Bible. I know, I’ve checked. However, since you are so smart, perhaps you could help all of us biblical dunderheads?

  • Abortion isn’t clearly defined either. Cherishing life and “thou shalt not kill” is. Where do you stand on that, Madame Hermeneutics?
  • The Bible tells us to flee from drunkenness, but doesn’t say much about shooting up or freebasing. So, how’s your crack habit these days?
  • Any thoughts on the tens of thousands of Christians who have tattoos? I mean that scripture in Leviticus 19:28 was talking about pagan practices, but meh? I’m sure you got a tramp stamp to justify that one too.

Ah, well. The mysteries of the Bible… and of Carrie Prejean, biblical scholar and excuse-making dimwit. Come to think of it, the Bible isn’t that clear about sex tapes, but who am I to judge.

In this week’s video evangelism, we have a story just in time for Christmas shopping preparations.

Dylan_XmasIt turns out, not every entertainer in Hollywood has done a Yuletide tune. Let’s add Bob Dylan to the mix!

As first reported on the Web site BullyPulpit.com, at least four songs have already been recorded for the album including, “Must Be Santa,” “Here Comes Santa Claus,” “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” and “O Little Town of Bethlehem.”

What’s next? “A hard snow’s gonna fall,” “Snowin’ in the Wind” or “It ain’t me, Santa”? Need we remind you this is Bob Dylan (nee Robert Zimmerman), as in really Jewish… singing CHRISTmas songs! Mazel Tov, Bobby.

Mind you, he seems to have returned to the faith. Dylan went through a “born again” Christian phase from 1979-81, releasing several gospel-style albums including “Slow Train Coming” and “Saved.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan… at least when he was coherent to the point somewhere between barely understandable English and a man with 15 cold sores on his tongue.

But how would this sound to a Zionist on a brisk Christmas Eve [cue harp music]:

“Jeeen-guuuulll B-eeeeeels. Jeeen-guuuulll B-eeeeeels. Jeeen-guuuul All… the Waaaaayy.”

Okay, if that didn’t quite make the reference point to you, try this video clip on for size (told you this was Cross Eyed):