Posts Tagged ‘apocalypse’

Typically, I’ll pontificate, ruminate or even gesticulate (although you can’t see that part) prior to sharing the headline.

Not this time.

I mean, I can’t. There’s nothing to say other than using the old, not-so-biblical axiom, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”

This story from LoHud.com (NYC’s Lower Hudson Valley) has the makings of a scene from a Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer film. [Cue harp music]

He sure did in this case

He sure did in this case

There’s this cab driver in Mount Vernon, New York getting the saliva choked clean out of him by his fare.

The poor driver loses control, probably from unconsciousness, and plows clean through… wait for it… the River Jordan Holy Tabernacle Church.

What happens after he careens into the choir loft and dunks his Crown Victoria in the baptismal is nothing short of post-apocalyptic.

While investigating the incident, police discovered four adults and a 3-year-old girl inside the locked church. “What scares us about this is that the church was all locked down from the outside, so there was no means of getting out of the church for these four adults and the child,” [Police Commissioner David] Chong said.

So, why were these folk having a church lock-in – by themselves?!

According to yet another story by LoHud.com, worshipping, of course. At 2 a.m. And with all the doors locked. Oh, and with a frickin’ three-year-old inside.

It was a prayer meeting – part of our religion,” said June Delgado, who called The Journal News to say she was among the five inside. “We get together and pray. Based on the individuals, sometimes that prayer meeting prolongs.”

Well, unless you are chanting like a Shaman, blowing incense all over the place, you’re full of more mess than a Christmas turkey. In other words, I call bull but only these keystone cops will determine the real deal.

So, go get ’em, Commissioner Chong.

And no, Cheech was not available for comment due to the fact he was half-baked driving a van made of hippie lettuce.

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Hell HumorIn the world of crime fighting, you know there is more than way to catch the bad guy. At some time, even the most swarthy foes get stupid and get caught.

Evidently, this side of the Apocalypse, the same can be said for the Prince of the Power of the Air. That’s right, Wall Watchers. Your most hated adversary and mine, Satan. (Ba-dum-bum-ching).

Oh, you didn’t hear? Yeah, some dunderhead in Boulder, Colorado was convinced Ol’ Slewfoot was chillin’ in his garage, so said buffoon tried to smoke him… literally. By trapping the devil in his garage and uh, burning him to death?!

Meet Gary Lee Shestak, 48, who at a frenetic 2:30 a.m. scene was arrested with an ax and reeking of kerosene. Why?

A few hours after the 2:30 a.m. fire, Shestak approached a police detective and fire marshal with an ax, which he was carrying with the blade “pointed toward the ground but outward in the direction of police and firefighters,” according to [Boulder PD spokeswoman] Huntley. Detective Kipp Euler asked Shestak, “who was staring vacantly,” if he needed help, to which he replied: “Can you help me kill the person inside the garage?” Huntley said.

Detective Euler needs more than a commendation for this apprehension. Dude needs a medal and someone to check his pulse.

I would have lost it, crying like a schoolgirl and laughing completely in this guy’s face. But not this guy. Oh nooooo, he was as cool as the other side of the pillow.

After the suspect was subdued, Huntley said, he told Euler that he thought Satan was in the garage and was trying to kill him.

To which, I would have asked, “If I had an infernal being from the fiery pit after my tail, what makes me think a lighter and a bag of Kingsfords is going to deter the pursuit?”

I would pelted the demon with ice cubes, a bucket of water or just mean mugged him with my icy glare. But fire?!

And where was Satan’s comment in all this mess? Anyone care to ask him, “Um, sir? Why did you single out this fool? He watch too many episodes of “The Omen” and began to get cute?”

Whatever it was, the denizens of Boulder, Colorado can rest easy with this guy off the streets. Although Satan is still on the loose, maybe they can let that Jesus guy do his job and keep the neighborhood flame-resistant.

Rest easy, Colorado.

Coming to earth - in a theatre near you

Coming to earth - in a theatre near you

Last year, you may remember the fair warning to have your pets spayed or neutered in commemoration of the Mayan triune barnyard animal, Quetzalcoatl, who is a third snake, third bird and with some man parts sprinkled in there somewhere.

Brief history lesson: The Mayans had this quirky calendar back in 10 B.C. that ends December 21, 2012. I don’t know why?!

Maybe someone back then knew the economy would blow, the GOP couldn’t filibuster in Congress and “America’s Got Talent” would be on for another season. Woof!

Anywhoo, it seems 2012 is so far away, so the Q-Dog (and please know, being a member of Alpha Phi Alpha, Inc., that pains me to write :)) has decided to make a special guest appearance to our fare burgh.

And darn nice of him too considering he is going to kill us all in a few years for his “Age of Transition.”

In case you haven’t been to the movies lately, it seems Quetzalcoatl’s transition will slither a few years early, just in time to come to a theater near you. So, starring as bird-snake-guy would be John Cusack?!

Okay, a few issues with that thrilling score and fireball-laden preview:

1. Mankind’s earliest civilization was indeed not the Mayans, which neared due north of Anno Domini line. That distinction has historically gone to the Sumer, which hailed from the Fertile Cresent near that Garden of Eden thingy. Oh, and that more than 9,000 years before for those doing the math at home.

2. The preview – I presume the Q Dog’s warning to us all – speaks of this year. And of course, O Cristo Rendentor (the noted Jesus statue in Brazil) is the first sacrosanct thing to get pummeled in the wake of the Mayan bird-snake-guy. Figures.

3. The Vatican is second on the dog doo list. Classy. Haven’t seen a synagogue or a mosque yet, but eh, I’m sure that’s just a co-winky-dink.

4. A large isthmus is hurled in the ocean. Yeah, I think hydroelectricity may save California’s energy crisis too. [Idea credited to Al Gore or somesuch. Carry on.]

5. We are asked to “find out the truth.” Well, unless I see 2012 in my Bible somewhere, I don’t think I’m going to find it helping your Web traffic and marketing efforts. Oh, sorry, that’s what you wanted me to do… drat.

Lastly, I would like to opine about this teaser that has been airing in theatres for about a year-and-a-half, which means the Q Dog is really trying to us non-Mayans’ attention.

So, we have this monk running for the hills to ring a bell. Who will hear that tribal gong? Well, don’t worry about that right now.

What’s important is there is a flood a’coming. Question is, says who? Anyone in production… er, ancient Maya heard of Noah?

I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life (Genesis 9:14 NIV)

If this is the case, then why is that monsoon hanging ten over the Himalayas?!

Answer: That’s Hollywood.

However, it also preying on the lost and the scared. People are apocalyptic by nature. Those who have no hope stored up for heaven think hell is just a rain drop away. And they will look anywhere for a sign of impending doom, from eerie books of faith to ancient civilization to astrologers’ conferences discussing the coming of “what’s his name”.

It’s called faith, and we need to use it – not only to believe Jesus is coming back when he wants, but also to use and tell others of that glorious day.

Regardless if you are Dispensationalist Premillennialists, A-mills, Post-mills or even Historic Mills… it doesn’t erase the Bible… and I don’t need a movie for this headline:

Our Lord Jesus told us that when he comes, we won’t go up to meet him ahead of his followers who have already died. With a loud command and with the shout of the chief angel and a blast of God’s trumpet, the Lord will return from heaven. Then those who had faith in Christ before they died will be raised to life. Next, all of us who are still alive will be taken up into the clouds together with them to meet the Lord in the sky. From that time on we will all be with the Lord forever. (1 Thessalonians 4:15-17)

It’s going to happen, and whether you believe in Jesus or not, one thing I can tell you is there is no bird-snake-dude named Quetzalcotal coming to “transition” you into anything but a movie ticket, a bag of popcorn and about two hours of sweet thrills.

No one can say 2012 is doomsday or the Apocalypse, but I would rather wait upon the sound of a trump as validated through more than 2,000 of proven history than a mythological being that no one has ever documented in reality.

Anyone care to search for that truth? Just read a Bible… or I’m sure you can go to Blockbuster. I think there should be some copies of that Mel Gibson flick to rent. You know, if you like that sort of thing.

Times are tough. People are getting two jobs to make ends meet. Some are changing careers for signing bonuses. But there are the few who dare to invest in the future.

Meet this tool: Joshua Witter, avowed Atheist and Orlando financial madcap.

You see, he’s got this cracked idea to scam Christians out of these cash in lieu of the rapture. Uh yeah, as in cashing in on being left behind.

About 70 people have paid the Orlando man about $5 a piece to get their messages to those doomed to face the plagues, pestilence and darkness of Armageddon.

Rapture carNo one knows the time or the hour, but hey, give this dolt your money to tell Mom an’dem your dancing in the heavenlies while they are wondering how they ended up on the movie set of “I Am Legend.”

Witter, who has professed “he’s screwed anyway,” has guaranteed these people who are so heavenly minded that he’ll deliver fond good byes to loved ones who will be no earthly good.

Here’s a thought: While these God-fearing people are busy digging under their pillow in the “Apocalypse Travel Fund” for this dude, anyone thought of possibly witnessing to the guy?!

I’m pretty sure we can all presume he’s on a one-way ticket to hell, so um, how about being a real Christian and try to derail his train ride to the pit?

While these buffoons are missing the mark, Witter is stretching his entrepreneurial wiles and marking a big fat “X” with his Web site, postrapturepost.com. Admittedly, it began as a joke but what’s that Mr. P.T. Barnum? More than every minute?

Since 2005, Witter said he has sold more than 200 items, most of them T-shirts and coffee mugs, and many of those (he admits) to friends and fellow atheists. Among the best sellers are the line of I-Told-You-So cards, which sell for $8. Some of those who ordered the cards — Witter suspects they are not true Christians — are willing to pay extra to have them sent early as Christmas cards.

What’s that? When you care enough to send the very least?

Witter has read all the “Left Behind” books, is convinced he ain’t going anywhere when Jesus comes to get all of us and is already planning on dealing with locusts in his Wheaties, bumping into walls because he can’t see a thing and trying not to sit with all the boils on his butt.

So, why not? Get paid while you are still here, right? At least, the dude’s got a brand promise:

“Your hope lies with me. I am your mailman,” he vows. “I’ll do my best come Hell or high water to deliver those letters.”

And I guess if Jesus doesn’t return while he is alive, all that money will act as a love offering. Ah, nice how things come full circle, eh?

100 days. Oh, how fast they have gone. And what do we have to show for them?

Well, in case you have no clue, our President will be reminding you of those accomplishments with tonight’s news conference (except on FOX – gee, ya’ think that’s not a political “bite me”? Shameful).

Perhaps, the two things you won’t hear our fearless leader discuss is “What the eff was that fool doing with his plane buzzing the tower at Ground Zero?!” (I mean, stupid!) and anything about his faith.

obama_matrixAfter all, he did go out of his way to court the Christian vote, so at least we should be kept apprised of his ecumenical exploits as he dodges every vitriol-ridden bullet in the media (note the picture). So, thanks to U.S. News & World Report, we have the Top 10 Obama Faith Moments.

[Cue timpani drum roll and away we go… until the next 100 day countdown is over]

10. Faith Round Table at the Inauguration – Although Rick Warren really shined during his inauguration prayer, others representing “faith” did not so much including Gene Robinson, the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal church. You know, he believes in the entire Bible… save a few scriptures found in the Old Testament. Too-mato, Toe-mah-to. Meh?

9. Saving his First Presidential Interview for an Arabic Network – I’m thinking he would like a redo on this, because his communications team took a beating for this faux-pas. He became a pugilist fighting the rumor mill about Barack Obama beginning life as Barack X, and then he does this?! I get his heritage, but you have 300 million people who hold that part of you with complete subjection. Even CNN & MSNBC wanted to cuss him out.

8. Lifting the Ban on “Family Planning” Groups South of the Border – Otherwise known as the “Mexico City Policy” (get it?), Obama went straight after the scowl of anti-abortion groups. Evidently, his “new Democratic tack on abortion” had nothing to do with Democracy. I didn’t get a vote. You? And he even did it on the Roe V. Wade anniversary. So sweet.

7. Praying with the Troops – This is highly commendable. Although it’s outside D.C., when Obama shows up at a mucho vetted and notably commissioned rally, it opens in prayer. Now, granted, if Bush would have done this, it would have been the Apocalypse, but eh… at least God gets his props, so it’s a wash for me.

6. Faith-based Office Redux – Bush created it. Obama obliterated it. The Office of Faith Based and Community Initiatives, um… Faith-based and Neighborhood Partnerships is our President’s take on what this sacred seat should be. Oh sure, his goal is to make churches hire ANYONE outside of faith, but hopefully activist groups will stand up. Oh… they’re still sitting down on this issue… OK, well, enjoy your new, interesting cube mates at your church gig.

obama-change5. Faith-based, Non-surgical Enhancements – So, after he dumbed down the Faith-based office to focus on Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood and singing Kumbaya with Imams, Rabbis, Kohens, Buddhists Monks and those fools selling insurance in airports, Obama decided to create a “Faith Advisory Council.” This group of esteemed, ecumenical insiders would basically do the same job the aforementioned choral group would do. Only know, they have their own stationery. At least they feel important, which is why we really use taxpayer money. Isn’t that what really matters?

4. Joe Biden Gets Ashy – Catholics around the world observe Lent, not just out of necessity, but it’s sarcosanct. They don’t need a presser, news conference or the like, but good ol’, train-driving Joe “Veep” Biden had to make his trip to the conclave a photo opportunity (and don’t think it was anything otherwise). Faith is important, even in the White House. But isn’t there a scripture or two about putting your alms before men? Maybe it’s just me. Good thing his lotion was handy. That stuff is a pain to get out of freshly copied confidential memos, or so I’ve heard.

3. Petal Up for Those Stems – It was expected, but not so soon after Obama took his oath, he reversed Bush’s limits on federal funding for embroynic stem-cell research. See, people equate offering up stem cells for “research” as granting access to a womb of an eight-month child in utero. Legalistic for some. Malevolent for many. But prayerfully, God’s Word prevails here: “As for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.” If there is a sacrifice to be made, let it count for something.

2. Catholics Fight for their Nourishing Mother – Many presidents have given commencement speeches, but when Obama made public he was jet-setting to Notre Dame, the Catholic Church freaked out. He may be the nation’s president (yes, whether you voted for him or not… so please stop with the anti-American drivel), but he is not going to win a “Papal Favorite Guy” contest any time soon. Pity. I’ll bet Obama would rock the Papal robes and bling.

1. Jive “Turkey” – Not only was his first TV interview reserved for a Muslim network, but his first presidential appearance in a foreign land was in a Muslim nation. Don’t get me wrong, and I have argued many times that Muslims – although we differ theologically – are wonderful, amazing human beings. However, look at this from a Judeo-Christian, we-hate-terrorists-and-lump-them-into-the-global-Muslim-gene-pool perspective. If I have learned anything in my craft, it’s “Perception is reality.” No, it’s not fair, but you can’t tell 300 million people what they see isn’t actually what they think. The longest 18 inches in the world is the path from someone’s brain to their heart. You “feel” me?