Posts Tagged ‘antichrist’

How ironic. He looks like another brainwasher for Jesus. Who was that again? Oh, I don't know but I sure am thirsty for some Kool-aid

How ironic. He looks like another brainwasher for Jesus. Man, I could use some Kool-aid

Tony Alamo is either an evangelist with a wide-scaping mission or a corrupt, nefarious fool using yet again God as a cover-up for his sin. Either way, he’s mysterious… until now.

For those that had swayed toward the latter, may I introduce a federal raid on his compounder, ministry and a story from CNN.

The raid is part of a two-year investigation into a compound near Texarkana, Arkansas, owned by Tony Alamo Christian Ministries, said Bill Sadler of the Arkansas State Police. About 100 agents were on the 10- to 15-acre site late Saturday and met with no resistance, he said.

Two years says a lot more than, “Um, let’s flippantly look into that one call.” If it’s a hoax based upon two years of investigation into child abuse and porn, then the FBI has way too much time on their hands. So, further endearing himself to the authorities, Alamo developed a mental case of stigmata.

“Why were they after Jesus?” he asked. “It’s the same reason. Jesus is living within me.”

If I have learned anything in seminary, it’s that any tool claiming an inhabitude proximity to the King of Kings is whacked out of his gord and an utter fraud destined for a more balmy climate (i.e. Koresh, Jones, de Jesus Miranda, well you get the point).

So, let’s run down this perv’s resume and you tell me if this Alamo is indeed worth remembering:

  • He allegedly stole his wife’s body from a mausoleum (owned by his own ministry) just as the feds were looking for it inspecting “church property”
  • He has a second name, legally (born Bernie Lazar Hoffman). This is Jesus – not Hollywood, you twit
  • He spent six years in prison for the ubiquitous “tax evasion,” which he earned for creating a line of “Tony Alamo” sequined denim jackets. Classy.
  • His ‘church’ has officially been dubbed a hate group – not quite the street cred you want claiming to love Jesus and all.
  • He has been recorded a bajillion times calling the Vatican, “a cult” anyone who go to a Catholic church, “heretics” and the man who holds the Papal office, “the super boss of all governmental agencies.” But hey, what’s new, right?
  • You call the goings-on at Capitol Hill, the “anti-Christ government.” I know the U.S. elected officials have been called many things, but never that one… oh wait, there’s this one guy. Ah, nevermind.
  • And lastly, if watchdog groups and cult experts like the great Rick Ross label you in their “Top 10,” odds are… you deserve it.

Tony Alamo, you have been called a polygamist, cult leader, child abuser and criminal. You have been arrested for tax evasion and now for child porn and underage sex. If you were the only Alamo in Texas, I believe I would move to North Dakota, or maybe even North Korea.

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No bones about it – HiScrivener is a raging independent.

I vociferously believe most Christians should classify themselves as such as to approach politics with a biblical point of view, as opposed to a heavily convoluted one aligned by partisan paraphernalia.

At least I know Jesus didn’t require the help of others to influence his decisions. Que non?

Make up your own mind and stand on the Bible, not your party’s shoulders! IJS.

Honestly, because if you can’t… then you would completely miss out on the side-splitting humor and utterly asinine thought process of how Barack Obama will flotsam and jetsam from Mount Olympus to earth and bless us – the minions, proletariat, serfs, all that will stand screaming for blood and offering a sacrifice to the DNC gods.

Too melodramatic? Nah, if you are a democrat with a sense of esteem, faith, Americana and um, taste, read this and weep from FOX News (and that’s because you couldn’t dig this story up on CNN… shocking.)

The field where the Denver Broncos play and where Obama will address a crowd of more than 70,000 people is now completely covered by a circular seating arrangement. And in the center, where Obama will be standing, is what appears to be a large structure that resembles the ancient Greek temple of the goddess Athena. Or maybe just the U.S. Capitol.

Remember all those bruits about the “Obamessiah” and the “Antichrist” and “Mr. Hollywood“? What in the name of Zeus to you call this set-up at Invesco Field? Greek columns? Senators wearing togas? Prepping audience chants before TV time? Is this an acceptance of presidential candidancy or the Clash of the Titans?

Seriously, what’s next for this off-off-off-off Broadway production? Etching a new Pantheon of gods for the DNC? Hrm, let’s see:

  • Zeus, the god of the universe – Guess who?
  • Ares, god of war – Joe Biden. He seems to be all they have for foreign relations.
  • Athena, goddess of wisdom – Hillary. Please, anyone see that speech last night? And what’s up with that tangerine pants suit. Anyone call Mr. Blackwell?
  • Apollo, god of prophecy – Bill. Ask any earnest Democrat. They all think he was an oracle.
  • Demeter, goddess of grain and fertility – Nancy Pelosi. No one spreads the “fertilizer” like she does.
  • Hades – Edward Kennedy. Nuff’ said.

Anywhoo… what else could this haughty pomp and circumstance shower, nomination celebration mean? I mean, since Obama has been wooing evangelicals much more than McCain, why not change his name to Constantine, be knighted by Bill Clinton as “Holy American Emperor” and rise to feed the Republicans to the lions. What exciting TV that would be… and even FOX would televise that. See? He’s already bridging the aisles. Nice.

This stunt is lunacy – truly. And anyone on Barack Obama’s team that has not advised him how stupid this is, should be impaled… you know, in the spirit of Rome (once the Visigoths got there). If he goes through with this, he deserves the onslaught of mud ready to be slinged in his direction. MEMO to the Obamaniacs: Your barbaric yawps are all about “CHANGE”. So here’s a news flash. CHANGE THE FRIGGIN’ STAGE!

So, $10 to the first dude at Invesco Field to rock like the great John Blutarsky (pictured) and start the chant “Toga, Toga, Toga!” Or better yet, get a cream pie, hurl it at someone and clamor “Food Fiiiiiiiiiiight!” Come on, it’s $10. That should pay for bail.

And I’ll bet considering the awesome mood John McCain is in after this story, he’ll probably spring for it. Good times!

Just when I thought there was too much hype about presidential Messianic claims and really too much brouhaha concerning a certain presidential candidate being the Antichrist… [talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place] out comes this absurd story warranting headline, above-the-fold consideration.

In short, the supreme experts of the Antichrist just had to make a statement about Barack Obama. Nice.

Note the first link about Messianic claims. That repertory got every PAC and lobbying group fiery under the collar claiming that McCainer, the company that produced that apocalyptic video was actually pouring kerosene on the Antichrist Obama debate.

Yes, there’s actually a national friggin’ debate over this! People aren’t more intelligent than this? Personally, I think these are the folk that look for directional signs having over the urinal, “Please don’t eat the big white mint.” We’re not talking Mensa students here. Alas, the argument rages on.

Said one DNC consultant group, “This is the use of religion at its very worst in politics because it is an attempt to subtly and perhaps even subconsciously play on some of the deepest fears of millions of evangelical Americans.”

Enough about the Antichrist already! Let’s hear from the folk that really know something about this eschatology ballyhoo. No, not Jesus or John on the island of Patmos. I mean, Tim Lahaye and Jerry Jenkins, progenitors of the best-selling, acclaimed “Left Behind” series. If a-n-y-o-n-e knows who is “The One”, they do. Right?

Recently, the divinitory duo put out a statement to attempt to put the kibosh on this politico drama:

LaHaye and Jenkins take a literal interpretation of prophecies found in the Book of Revelation. They believe the antichrist will surface on the world stage at some point, but neither see Obama in that role. “I’ve gotten a lot of questions the last few weeks asking if Obama is the antichrist,” says novelist Jenkins. “I tell everyone that I don’t think the antichrist will come out of politics, especially American politics.”

“I can see by the language he uses why people think he could be the antichrist,” adds LaHaye, “but from my reading of scripture, he doesn’t meet the criteria. There is no indication in the Bible that the antichrist will be an American.

So there! As long as Barack Obama keeps claiming his south side roots and the red-state dimwits consistently dredge up the Osamaer, Obama phonetic challenges this statement will be posted every six weeks until the Apocalypseer, election. Kumbaya, my Lord!

No, this isn’t some obscure cult in the coal mines of West Virginia. I mean real folk with real driver licenses, albeit a small portion of them belonging to select “religious group”, but never mind that right now.

Meet Phil Hudok. We’ll call him “the leader of the pack.”

Now while this story seems fueled by eschatology (end times) naysayers, Hudok and his gang of religious misfits have bucked the system and gave their pentecostal finger to the man.

Together, they told the West Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles they will not be marked, photographed or given a one-way ticket to hell, thank you very much. Um, what?

State Division of Motor Vehicles Commissioner Joseph Cicchirillo said the group of about 50 or 60 Christians, who are not affiliated with a particular church, contacted the agency two or three years ago to object to their pictures “being on a database that can be exchanged throughout the world or hacked into.”

Hudok and other members of his group have said bar codes and digital storage of photos are a way of numbering people, which they liken to a warning in the Bible’s book of Revelation about a “mark of the beast” indicating the arrival of the Antichrist.

Evidently, this isn’t the first time Hudok has pulled the “no bar coding me in the name of religion” stunt. In 1999, the preacher-in-training was fired as a Randolph County school teacher for refusing to require his students to wear bar-coded identification badges. That’s it, brother. Badges! We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!

MEMO to the Pied Piper of Deliverance: I have another “revelation” for you, this ain’t that mark. We have all read Revelations 13:

‘And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads. And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name’

Sane believers and religious whack jobs have been saying so many things is that mark which cannot be erased. Anything from RFID tags, UPC codes to satellite TV. I even know a small-minded numerologist (well, he’s just some dude I met at a church once) that refuses to buy hot dogs and soft drinks because they come in SIX-packs! (No, really!)

So is the story of Hudok who has been on his own religious crusade against the West Virginia Antichrist as he began writing the DMV more than 10 years ago because – wait for it – the Holy Spirit “told him to do so.”

And as legalistic as that sounds (and is), Hudok rallied the troops and won this battle.

He and his sanctimonious motley crew get state IDs without the picture. I suppose this rallies another band of demented brothers in the Hillbillyer, Mountain State. No, not a jug-sippin’, washboard-playin’ trio with a collective amount of six teeth. No, I was thinking more like identity thieves. To them, it’s heaven. I know it I was one, I would be packing the U-haul en route to Charleston with the quickness.

Good thinking, West Virginia! Despite this, the Hillbillies did give one piece of genius folklore… enjoy! But don’t listen while driving, eerie things could happen.

The latest post to our frolic-filled series on God and politics brings us – ironically – one step closer to the Rapture. You see, according to many in the media and NOW JOHN MCCAIN, Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ!

No seriously. All the signs are there. Just check out the video and we’ll discuss. G’head. I’ll wait.

Now then. Don’t you feel edified and deceived all at once? I’m perplexed with the kerfuffle in this ad. It’s polarizing to say the very least.

On one hand, I am completely offended, Johnny Boy. There is a cornucopia of issues to discuss (you remember what those are). From economy to energy, saving lives to hot wives (well, only John could discuss that one), you can do an ad for anything. Instead, you poke a stick in the beehive of Christianity and do it in the name of making a hollow point! What are you thinking? Is this your [COUGH] “honorable campaign”?

If I’m on your side, I see the point and with my tongue firmly planted in cheek, I would grin… maybe even chuckle. If I am on Obama’s side, I would sit by my PC and laugh all the way to the polls… stridently opposed to voting for you.

But I’m not. Suffice to say, I’m on God’s side and this ad blows.

Barack Obama is as close to being the Antichrist as HiScrivener is to becoming the president (however, if someone is interesting in campaigning on that ticket, holla’ at your boy!)

Come November, I’m not going to the polls searching for the next Messiah. And the only ‘healing’ either of you guys will give the Body of Christ is that to our gas tanks when you remove the red tape from yet another ’10-year plan’.

Is this how far political hackery and presidential hopeful mudslinging has come? Mocking Christianity at the attempt of a few jeers and tweak even more fears?!

Just because this cat flies to Berlin “faking it until he makes it” on a foreign policy tour, while shedding a minutes in his schedule for the laughable pharisaism at the Wailing Wall, doesn’t make him Satan’s avenging angel. He’s some dude on the prowl for a photo-op like a Cougar at a teen night club!

Nevermind everyone in the world seemingly has picked up on his “hair of wool and feet of brass.” You should consult your Bible for any questions about any deity running for office, not the cover of Time magazine. And as for “seeing the light”? The only shine that will stare me in the face is that of a lit polling booth when I see both of your sorry names and feel convicted if I don’t pick one.

But hey, the ballyhoo sure is entertaining. As the Church focuses on the ISSUES, God bless us all, indeed.