Archive for the ‘On Your Wall’ Category

I know. I know. I never thought the economy would get so bad that this headline would ever be necessary. I always Jesus rocked the finest of tunics and got his hair groomed by celebrity stylists but it’s true according CNN’s Belief Blog:

George Horn allegedly broke into the St. John the Baptist Catholic Church on the night of June 26. Fort Lauderdale police say the 48-year-old suspect broke a window to enter the church, took a crucifix from the church’s altar and then used it to pry open a donation box.

What kind of sick and deranged fool do you have to be to use a crucifix to steal… from a church! Let’s find out:

That's a theft in progress. And yes, that's a crucifix in his hands.

Courtesy: Fort Lauderdale PD

There’s a theft in progress. That’s candid camera. And yes, that’s the Son of God in his clammy hands.

This guy is jonesin’ to go to hell. He has to be. Why else would you take that as your “Crowbar of record”?! Sure, this guy must have been a crackhead, but I can stumble across a homeless man, say the name of Jesus and get a civil response.

Not Rosemary’s Baby here. Oh no. He’s got life all figured out.

According to WPLC 10 in Fort Lauderdale, the guy was prying his way into a losing situation (Thanks, I’m here all week):

“It’s almost an act of desperation,” the Rev. James Daly, a visiting priest, told Local 10’s Janine Stanwood… Daly said the man first went for the two donation boxes located at each end of the church. Daly said people leave what they can in those boxes for the poor. They are locked and not always checked on a regular basis.

Daly said the burglar then walked toward a prayer area where candles are lined above.”Then he came up here where the bigger money would be. But there’s no bigger money because there’s nobody here in the summertime,” he said.

Here’s the ironic thing of the whole CSI case: The suspect, who was caught on surveillance video, cut himself at some point, leaving a large amount of blood behind, police said.

Anyone see the divine sense of humor in that?

Robert Schuller is rumored to leave his empty Crystal Cathedral

Pretty, ain't it? Pretty empty. (Crickets)

What began as a messy divorce between father and son, debt at Crystal Cathedral causing the lights to get cut off and then Dad thinking his son can do his own power thing and Girl Schuller can do it, has now led to this:

Dad is “retiring”. Or is he?

The entire drama, which is sure to be Made-for-Lifetime movie, began with an AP article (seen here in the New York Times) announcing the silver-haired preacher hanging up the robe.

Mr. Schuller, 83, told his congregation that his daughter, Sheila Schuller Coleman, will become the lead pastor, after sharing that role with him for the last year.

So, basically this is code for “My ministry is in the toilet, ratings are bad and I’m no longer relevant so… here you go baby girl, enjoy keeping the lights on.”

And yes, note there is no word from Junior Schuller in this article who is still channel surfing at the American Life Network. (Anyone? Anything? Yeah, me neither. Heck, DISH network hasn’t even heard of it. Good on ya’, bubba.)

Back to the story.

After this story traveled like a debt collectors calls throughout the indebted Crystal Cathedral across the ecumenical media, Girl Schuller decided to put the kibosh on this kerfuffle with her own release to the Los Angeles Times:

Crystal Cathedral’s senior pastor Sheila Coleman expressed outrage in an interview Sunday after rumors spread across the media and Internet that her father, famed televangelist Robert H. Schuller, was stepping down. “Dad is not retiring,” she said. “I told [the congregation] that Dad’s role would not be changing and mine would not be changing.”

Doh! Now what? Granted, this was the first megachurch, the trendsetter. And Elder Schuller, while not so much in the Dear Ol’ Dad department is iconic in the church world. But why stay at 83? Keep him in charge of the fledgling ministry for what reason again?

“It’s irresponsible journalism that nobody asked me to clarify,” Coleman said. “It’s troubling because we have a lot of viewers all over the world thinking: ‘My pastor’s leaving.'”

Sure you do… if you mean, one person in New Guinea, a family of four in Madagascar and a clan of vagabonds who traveled to the church to hear him in speak back in 1984 that live in Duluth, Minnesota… then, yes, all over the world. (Wink. Wink.)

Because, last I heard, you were $65 million in debt and fighting off law suits from creditors like attendants at the World Cup fighting off going to the ENT doctor. (Those Vuvuzelas will be the cause of at least 18 people going deaf this year alone. Oy!)

Relic or real need. Robert Schuller is not retiring.

Don't call it a comeback!

But meh? There could be many reasons for the drop off in ratings, viewers and donations, right?

According to the story, church officials blame some of their troubles on an aging congregation and sluggish economy. They insist that a survey of members showed that the departure of the younger Schuller had no effect on their offering.

Uh, yeah. Is that so? Let’s ask your famed pianist, Roger Williams (from the Orange County Register):

“His children had no history of success making it on their own… Bob and Arvella (Schuller) went through tough times and built this church one brick at a time. To me, it’s those tough times you had to endure by yourself that make you great. Bob did not give that privilege to his children.”

Williams, who has recorded 21 gold and platinum albums, quit his pianist post last fall after 35 years, saying he had grown weary of “church confrontations” and “bitter family fights.”

“I had a hard time dealing with the (Schuller) kids,” Williams said in June. “All I wanted to do was play the piano. When people with no experience tell me how to play the piano – I just couldn’t deal with it.”

But yes, the economy should have some blame in there too.

Coleman, 59, said Sunday that the church’s economic situation had improved significantly in recent months and that she was determined to restore solid financial footing to the church her father built.

“My role is to help him finish strong and hold him up so he can preach till the day he dies,” she said.

If he can’t make up his mind about retiring and not trusting you to keep the lights on, madame, that may come sooner than you think. (Somewhere, Junior Schuller is yukking it up and calling Dish Network about getting listed.)

Unfortunately, June was a slow month for the spirit of God in the cameo department.

As we have come to notice on the Wall, at least once a month, God, Jesus or even Mary decides to show up in front of some folk in terms of cheetos, bathroom tile or a tub of pizza sauce. Why? Just because they can and it’s good for kicks on home movies.

Jesus as found on Google Earth

On Google Earth As It Is In Heaven

That said, he had to show his face in a big way. I mean, huge. And he didn’t disappoint as we see in the Telegraph (UK) and a fable discussing Google Earth:

The resemblance was found by a 26-year-old man as he used the mapping website to look for holiday destinations. Zach Evans, from Southampton, spotted the outline in satellite pictures of a field on farmland near Puspokladany in Hungary.

“I’m not a religious person looking for images of Mary or Jesus in everything, but this is obvious.”

The aforementioned sightings of deity is easy to point a Pentecostal finger and crack jokes, but this?

Well, let’s just say there are aliens who wish they could Da Vinci crop circles this good.

Cloud shadows? Topography issues? What do you see?

Whatever it is you are looking at, admit it… you’re going to check out Google Earth right after this. Perhaps these oddball sightings create a skosh of faith. Regardless, you’re still looking.

Ever heard people say to plan for Christmas, you should begin in the summer? That phenomenon is already happening and raising quite the kerfuffle in the global media.

But for the ubiquitous festive stocking of the yuletide shelves that you would think.

Jesus ad campaign depicting the holy fetus?

So, what happens when this one says "Da-Da!"

First seen on KDFW in Dallas, by way of the UK’s Telegraph, it seems a British-based organization is not only interested in taking another ‘invasion’ but also doing with the Christ child taking a Polaroid… while in-utero.

ChurchAds.net has concocted what they believe to be a quippy ad campaign with the headline, “He’s on his way!”

Francis Goodwin, chairman of ChurchAds, said: ”This is the kind of thing proud ‘parents-to-be’ show their friends and family – passing round the scan of the baby, or even pinning it up in the office. Our poster reflects this new way of announcing the news of a new arrival and places the birth of Christ in an ultra-contemporary context.”

“Ultra-contemporary.” Sweet.

I agree the pregnancy became tangible when I got the print off in two versions of my first child – one, when I saw the full body and two, when I saw the close-up of his business. (What a proud daddy!)

But, do you think Mary would know that her baby boy would one day be posted on a sonogram-ish advertisement plastered all over the UK? Although this is good for the giggle, I feel you ChurchAds.net.

Here’s why:

Research has revealed that 85 per cent of people agree with the statement that “Christmas should be called Christmas because we are still a Christian country”. But it also shows that only 12 per cent of adults know the facts of the Christmas story in any detail.

Folk still pray to Santa-Baby-Jesus-Claus thinking salvation comes in a wrapped box. They’re not as ignorant as they are apathetic.

I applaud efforts like this because at least they are trying to wake folk up and make them think. Albeit, six months early, people are definitely thinking.

Parents? What do you think? The superimposed halo kinda’ throw you off? Don’t let it. Just think about it like this: Jesus really isn’t ‘away in a manger’, he’s warm and cozy in another kind of inn.

Merry Christmas.

Go straight to jail

There is no go for them to pass

Ofttimes in the world of law enforcement, the bad guys get away. Then, with some due diligence, the bad guys gets caught and are thrown in the pokey.

And then there are cases like this one that make you scratch your head, scream out loud and wonder, “If I was God, I would so hurl a lighting rod straight up his blessed assurance.”

Don’t believe me?

Dateline: Concord, N.H. where we are introduced to a girl who loves Jesus, goes to church and is active in her youth group. That is until she was raped by a jackleg perverted fool more than twice her age who went to church with her.

Then…

After being raped and impregnated by a fellow churchgoer more than twice her age, a 15-year-old Concord girl was forced by Trinity Baptist Church leaders to stand before the congregation to apologize before they helped whisk her out of state, according to the police.

It’s not like she was the town hussie and wore a scarlet letter embroidered on her ‘Hello Kitty’ shirt. This was a girl victimized and assaulted by some guy that if “vengeance was mine” would be looking at a gang of convicts on death row. Daily.

According to the story, this girl was sent to another church member’s home in Colorado, home-schooled and “not allowed to have contact with others her age.” Because when you are scarred in every way, that’s great love resembling Christ.

It wasn’t until this past February that Tina Anderson, who is now 28, decided to come forward after reading about other similar cases, “realizing for the first time it wasn’t her fault that she had been raped,” she told the police.

Psychology aside, don’t you think the so-called Christians she was forced to live with had a little… well, a whole heaping lot to do with her believing what that twisted and sardonic troglodyte did to her was her fault? Moving on…

Ernest Willis should have been caught 13 years ago.

Public Enemy #1... for now. (Courtesy: AP)

The silver lining? Meet Ernest Willis, 51, the man who did it and someone I hope learns how balmy the climate of the underworld really feels like.

However, there is a little stain to that cloud. It seems, according to an AP report, the girl’s former pastor Chuck Phelps may have been responsible for throwing her in a U-Haul halfway across the country.

Evidently, the “leaders” of that “church” had a ringleader (who is no longer “pastor” at said church).

Police have said their 1997 investigation was shelved because they could not locate the victim, and they are now investigating how much church leaders knew about the allegations.

Phelps said Anderson’s mother made the decision to move her to Colorado, while his role consisted of helping to find a family for her to live with. And of course, if you are buying that, then I happen to be in the market for some sweet real estate in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Call me?

You know, I know what this world is coming to. My only prayer is that I will be going much sooner than this mess will be coming. Thank you Lord Jesus, and please place your anointed Holy Spirit around that woman today.

More happy stuff next time, Wall Watchers. Peace.