Archive for the ‘Denominational Fun’ Category

Oaths.

Funny things, aren’t they?

People take an oath when they get married, and how’s that working out for half of this globe? Oaths are performed when swearing someone into office, and that seems to be for show. And then, there are those oaths that a witness takes when they are about to lie their tail off about the plantiff.

You know, it’s a good thing those don’t mean a thing to God; otherwise, he would smoke some fools like Zeus with a lightning bolt.

Those are most of the examples of which I can imagine. That is until Acme Arena member Bene Diction decided to challenge meer, request I write about this Holy Ghost hullabaloo.

Brian TamakiNow I will warn you, this story hails from the New Zealand Herald. You would expect praise heaped upon Kiwis (quite honestly, some of my fave Wall Watchers are Aussies and Kiwis), but this fool is one big pitted-out prune.

Meet Brian Tamaki, leader of one of New Zealand’s largest megachurches, Destiny Church.

Evidently, he liked the view from his pulpit, peering over his serfdom, so he decided it would be a good move to promote himself from pastor to bishop and insist the male members [only them] of the church were his “spiritual sons”. That’s sweet, namely around “Father’s Day.” Good times, uh, Dad?

However, during that same service, the adoption became indoctrination as:

At a special service during the church’s annual conference in Auckland at the weekend, about 700 male members of the church swore a “covenant oath” of loyalty and obedience to Mr Tamaki and were given a “covenant ring” to wear on their right hands.

Look, dude. You call it what you want, but that is a Promise Ring! As in what I gave my 5th grade girlfriend back in the day. (Then, when that relationship didn’t work out, I gave it to what was behind Door #2).

According to the story, these men were former addicts, criminals and all-around bad seeds made nice. So, what a better way to welcome these emotionally challenged boys than make them wear slightly eerie promise rings and signed oaths that read:

“To you Bishop we pledge our allegiance, our faithfulness and loyalty. We pledge to serve the cause that is in your heart and to finish that work. Success to you and success to those who help you – for God is with you.”

That sound you hear was a mighty rushing wind… of me, dashing to the bathroom. Please, I think I have a little throw up in my mouth.

Remember Jonestown

Courtesy: Covertress. Peace.

People, that is not a church service. That is a cult warm-up session.What’s next? A nice, refreshing glass of Kool Aid?

Now, Bene clearly dissects that oath, which is worth the paper it was printed upon, but for grins here are some low-lights:

  • How to act toward dear ol’ Dad: The “sons” are told that “Bishop is the tangible expression of God”, so they need to understand how to properly approach their man of God “to protect the anointing and not transgress this special relationship”. They must ensure that Mr. Tamaki and his wife are both honoured, cared for and given appropriate respect. “Bishop is a people person. Often it is better we offend others than him.”

That’s sweet. However, if Dad were to instruct all his Bebe Kids to actually read the Bible, they would discover:

And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you (John 14: 16-17 KJV).

The day some greasy haired toolbox takes the place of my Jesus, I’m checking out of this place with the quickness. Next?!

  • How to act around Daddy Dearest: Don’t start talking or gesturing to somebody else while Bishop is speaking. The “sons” must never openly disagree with Mr. Tamaki in front of others and must “be careful not to become familiar (which can lead to contempt)” with him “due to his friendliness and openness”

I love the trend here. Here’s “Dad” demanding to be called “Mr. Tamaki” in a legal-ish contract. What? Are these 700 men the bastard children at your family reunion? Moving on.

  • How to act around those not digging Dad’s get-up: They must never tolerate anyone (regardless of who they are) speaking or talking critically of Mr Tamaki and his wife/family or the church. “You are not only to stop them in their tracks but warn them that they criticise you when they criticise Bishop.”

Brother, you have one of your goons touch a serious brother, he’ll show what the “laying on of hands” is all about. And trust me, he will stop that dead in its tracks.

When did Jesus ever demand this of his disciples, much less the rest of throng who followed him? Never. Outside of the Sermon on the Mount, the only oath he made them take was this:

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:36-40 NIV)

Now, that’s telling it like it is. Problem with Tamaki is he can’t love his neighbor like himself because he apparently doesn’t like himself that much. How else would you explain this self-deified regimen? He heard from God this would be a swell idea. I don’t think the Lord’s voice could penetrate all that hair product personally.

start-your-own-cult-today-how-to-religion-funnyThe word is out on this cult-figure tool. He knows it, so he decides to send the goon squad over to the local news station for a nice talk.

In a statement today, Destiny Church objected to what it alleged was inaccurate commentary by an “unidentified” individual in the TV3 news item, and the hidden camera footage. The statement said Destiny Church “had always had an open-door policy towards the media and general public and believes this trust has been breached by TV3 in their covert approach in this instance”.

The statement also said “a number of comments made by the individual (in the Campbell Live item) were grossly inaccurate” and questioned the credibility of its source, “which the programme fails to identify”.

It wasn’t like TV3 hired James Bond to go in there cloaked in subterfuge and yank the mystery out from the man. A reporter got a copy of this inane oath and told the world. Tamaki is eating a lot of crow, so he’s a skosh tweaked.

This isn’t biblical, but MEMO to Brian Tamaki: You can only put cologne on without taking a shower so many days in a row. After a while, that stink is going to be detected.

In other words, this story reeks to high heaven and Tamaki’s tail end is at the front of it. This is not of the Lord. Jesus is not pleased with you trying to make involuntary robots out of these people. You should be ashamed of yourself, but that will happen the day we get raptured.

Oh, and the worst part…

Oath takers paid $295 – plus a $5 administration fee – for the ring symbolising their loyalty to Bishop Tamaki. Some were given the option of paying the ring off over time. Members were also asked for $10 to fund the Destiny School building extension, and a gold-coin donation to Destiny Television Ministries.

After reading that, I have another saying… but um, I’ll just keep that to myself.

Probably seen on this tool's MySpace account

Probably seen on this tool's MySpace account

Most pastors can effectively pray. Whether it’s for the lost, the sick or the Church, pastors typically have a heart of intercession.

And then there are D-bags like former pastor Rodney McGill of Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

According to the Sun-Sentinel story, the “self-proclaimed” pastor (nice) was convicted alongside his wife on “nine counts of obtaining mortgages by false representation, first-degree grand theft and racketeering.”

Now, that’s a classy troika of criminal offenses. And they did it together, so that’s redeeming for their marriage, right?

What’s even more impressive… or is it deplorable… was “pastor” McGill kept it real with his calling until the very end, and decided to uh, pray, for everyone in the courtroom who sent to the pokey:

“Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, for every witness called against me, I pray cancer in their lives, lupus, brain tumor, pancreatic cancer,” McGill intoned at his counsel table prior to the start of the hearing Tuesday.

Keeping it real, eh, pastor?

Evidently, he liked to keep his wife in check like a stereotypical misogynistic dinosaur as well:

Arguing for a reduced sentence, Shalonda, who did not testify during her trial, broke her silence and told [the judge] she acted under duress, was a “victim of being Rodney McGill’s wife,” and that she was unaware that what she did was illegal. “Whatever I did was on direct instructions from my husband,” she said.

In other news, all the believers in the jury decided to become frugal by not wasting taxpayer dollars and practiced the “laying on of hands” ministry on these fools.

Well, not really, but that would have been nice as an illustrated sermon to show the wrath of God.

Earl Paulk will go down in ecumenical infamy as a preacher with more soil under his collar than the dude who does my landscaping.

During the hullabaloo of his legal issues before his timelyer, unexpected death, Paulk sold the Cathedral at Chapel Hill for what surmised to legal fees and a two-piece dinner at Long John Silvers.

Well, the Holy Spirit was asked to leave a while ago

Well, the Holy Spirit was asked to leave a while ago

And now, according to the Atlanta Journal Constitution, the former haven of hedonism has been sold to the Greater Traveler’s Rest Baptist Church for $17.6 million.

This was one of the largest religious facilities available in the United States,” Matt Messier, broker and principal for CNL, said in a release. “We are happy to have brokered a successful outcome for a property of this size, especially in today’s challenging economic climate.”

No kidding. It was 51 acres, 6,000 seats and fully equipped with a large fellowship hall, offices, classrooms and, oh yeah, a movie theater. Because there’s always the need to screen the latest flick by TBN for date night.

Rumor is, Paulk had many of those.

Anywhoo, on August 30, the church led by Pastor E. Dewey Smith will change Paulk’s former home into “The Hope Cathedral.”

Congratulations, Pastor. It’s truly a benchmark in the 132 years of your church.

May the anointing of God break every yoke that was upon that place when you take foot in the pulpit for the first time… and bathe that thing in Crisco oil. Just sayin’.

Well, it ain’t their faith in God (as we have posted previously on the Wall). And although, both have a propensity for big pimpin’ clothes, where they fancy to shop isn’t it either.

No, according to this story from USA Today, the Pontiff and the Doggfather are label mates. As in Geffen Records.

The Pope has got almost a lullaby tone to the way he sings,” Geffen’s president Colin Barlow told Britain’s Telegraph newspaper, adding that the album will make a “great Christmas present.”

The Pope + A new CD = Ka-Ching!

The Pope + A new CD = Ka-Ching!

Who is he? The Holy See or Luther Vandross?!

What, someone genuflects to kiss his ring, begging for forgiveness of sins and B16 belts out “Give Me the Reason.” Nice.

And naturally, the record label is shilling for stocking stuffers. What else says ‘Merry Christmas’ in a more festive way than singing yuletide tunes in Santa Claus’ native tongue, German.

Ahh… I can smell the beer-encrusted, pretzel-flavored fruitcake already.

The name of the CD will be “Alma Mater,” which will be “featuring the pope’s chants and prayers along with eight original classical compositions.”

Now I know what I bookend my “Chant” CD collection with the dulcet tones of the Benedictine Monks.

Just be wary, your Holiness. Catholics serve wine and uh… well, just swap tunes with the new family and upload “Gin & Juice” on the iPod. Your labelmate is talking about something else entirely. Just sayin’.

So, mark you calendars, Saints. November 16, the CD hits iTunes and the The P-izzle will “dropping it like it’s hot.” West-Syde!

The Anglican Church of England, much like the Roman Catholic Church worldwide, like to share. I know, sweet, right?

Aerobic exercises during mass (“Stand,” “sit,””kneel”… “roll over”), pawing out of the same hands for the Eucharist and sipping out of the same cup (or chalice, depending on how shee-shee your particular house of worship wants to be).

Church. For when you really want to take cover.

Church. For when you really want to take cover.

Sound familiar? Well, now we can add communicable disease to the collection, thanks to this story from CNN.

The archbishops of Canterbury and York are recommending that churches stop sharing the chalice at communion over swine flu fears, the Church of England said Thursday. The archbishops wrote a letter to all Church of England bishops with the recommendation. It follows government advice not to share “common vessels” for food or drink so as not to spread the virus.

The “common vessel” in question in typically reminiscent of the mug Indiana Jones went trolling during his Holy Grail excursion, made nice with the Knights Templar, fought a gaggle of Nazis and bumped into James Bond. Not Roger Moore or the current blue-eyed dude. The other guy.

Anywhoo. The same golden chalice is given to the every believer standing in line waiting to take a sip of the wine. Sure, the cleric wipes it every time, but does that single cloth once-over does a lot for some slob with herpes and meningitis?

And, now we need to worry about folk walking around with swine flu. Nice. As if eternal damnation wasn’t enough to worry about, we have the dreaded H1N1.

“The Department of Health have recently advised us that ‘in a pandemic it makes good sense to take precautions to limit the spread of disease by not sharing common vessels for food and drink,'” the archbishops write in the letter.

Yeah, I would say that’s a good call. As if the dude walking up to the Bishop with the surgical mask draped across his grill wasn’t enough warning. So, lather up in Purell folks. Your next communion really could be your last supper.

(A little too dramatic? Man, I need to stop watching the news.)